Chapter 44 44: The Fallen Angel

Chapter 44 44: The Fallen Angel


NEW YORK CITY



\[ K A R A \]

You would not remember much from school. I certainly didn't.

I had been in school for as long as I could remember. And finally, after 4 years of higher education, I was officially a permanent resident of what they called, the real world.

What had I learned from all these years of studying? I had no idea.

Today was my graduation day. Lacey and Peter actually flew out from Hawaii for the ceremony. Just the two of them though, no Ryder, just in case you were wondering.

After he left New York last year, I heard from my mom that he went back to Hawaii for a bit, before leaving again to God knows where. Ryder hadn't been home since and he never told anyone where he was going. Sometimes he'd sent postcards to Peter, but that was about it. Lacey said the last postcard from Ryder was about a month ago, and he was somewhere in Mexico.

So as Ryder had decided to become a wandering nomad, I had decided to become an intern at the New Yorker Magazine. Yes, I took the job. Working there was crazy, but I loved every minute of it.

People said that time heals everything, and I was starting to believe that it could be true. I think both Ryder and I got the closure we needed, so now we were free to move on with our lives.

Ryder was right all along— we'll just live.



After the graduation ceremony, I had a nice lunch with Lacey and Peter. They were really proud to see how good I was doing. Peter was even comparing Ryder to me, he really wished Ryder had gone to college or did something more meaningful with his life. Still, as long as Ryder was happy, Peter said he'd be happy too.

It was awkward talking about Ryder to Peter. I had to pretend like I didn't even know Ryder all that well. Meanwhile, my mom kept giving me weird glances in between.

After lunch, Peter and mom went out for some New York City grand adventure. Mom was taking him to the museum, and they were going to see a Broadway show later tonight. I, on the other hand, decided to head on home because I had other plans.

It had been our tradition for some time now; Cole, Elle, Elle's boyfriend, and I would do a movie night at least twice a month. Tonight was one of those nights.

When I arrived back home, Cole was already sitting on my couch. I wasn't too surprised to see him there. He knew where I kept my spare keys— yes, underneath the potted cactus, not very creative was I?

"I got the popcorn and the movie! Are you ready for this?" Cole was beaming as soon as I opened my apartment door.

"As long as it's anything but SAW, I'll be alright...” I told him. “Hey, where's Elle?"

"She had an emergency..."

"What kind of an emergency?"

"I'm just reading you her exact text message, okay? This did not come from my mouth: Hey Cole, sorry I can't come to movie night tonight. I have to take my boyfriend to the E.R. He was tickling me during foreplay and I accidentally kneed him in the nut sack. Tell Kara sorry and congrats on graduating, Elle."

Cole and I looked at each other and there was about a three-second silence before we both broke down laughing.

"Oh Elle, I can't believe her," I snorted.

"At least she's honest, you gotta give her that,"

"So, what are we watching?" I said as I sat next to him on the sofa.

Cole's arms immediately opened and I leaned onto his chest.

"Ta-da, your favorite movie of all time!" He said, pressing down the remote.

"Casablanca..." I murmured.

"Casablanca!” he exclaimed. “Humphrey Bogart, take us away,"

Honestly, I'd rather watch SAW than this movie right now. I couldn't stand this movie anymore... not after... but ah, it's just a movie, whatever, no big deal.

Also, now would be a good time to mention... Cole and I, we were sort of together, together.

It all started a year ago, after Ryder left, Cole came by my apartment. He came in at just the right moment when I desperately needed someone. I told him about how heartbroken I was and he listened to all my cries. He stayed up with me, we ate ice cream, and watched late night TV until we both fell asleep. And just like that, I got my best friend back.

Then a few months after that, I started to notice things about Cole I hadn't notice before. For instance, when we were walking on the street, he'd always walk closest to the curb, protecting me from the crazy yellow cabs and street puddles. He also had my Starbucks order memorized, and he'd get me coffee every time we had an early class, and he'd always get them right. Also, he somehow always knew when my time of the month was, and he'd get me candies so I won't get cranky.

These little things got to me.

So one night, Cole came by my apartment and offered to help me fix my stupid oven. I was just watching him, working intently with his head inside the machine, he was clearly struggling with it, but he refused to give up.

"Cole, are you really okay down there? Don't get yourself burned again, okay?"

"Ha-ha, very funny,” he laughed sarcastically. “It's been 8 years since that incident, it's time to move on already,"

"No way. It was classic. I mean, who burns their left eyebrow on the Bunsen burner on the first day of a science lab?"

"Ok, to be fair, that wasn't entirely my fault," he said as he pulled his head out of the oven.

"Well, whose fault is it, then?"

"You,"

"Me?"

"Yeah. You distracted me. You were wearing this blue striped dress, your hair was tied up, and you wouldn't stop talking about electrolytes dissolving in water— and I was just thinking to myself; wow this girl is not only beautiful but also smart as hell. And the next thing I knew, I smelled something was burning,"

That made me smile really wide. I couldn't help it.

"I can't believe you remember what I wore on the first day of school,"

He just shrugged with that sheepish grin on his face. I liked his grin— it was as if his eyes smiled with him when he smiled.

"Cole, remember when you told me to tell you if I was ever over him?" I paused for a second before saying, "I think I am…"

He was shocked for a second, his mouth fell open. But then he gathered himself with a smile, and I smiled back.

I didn’t want to overthink things, so I just leaned in towards him, and he was leaning towards me too. And before we knew it, our lips were touching.

Cole put his fingers on my chin, pulling me towards him and deepening the kiss. It was nice and sweet. His lips were soft and his touch was warm and gentle.

I thought kissing my best friend would be weird. But it wasn't. It was actually kind of... special.



So, yeah, it had been a couple of months now, Cole and I were officially an item.

"Quit hogging the popcorn, Cole!" I said as Cole kept the bowl of popcorn on his far right side.

"Well why don't you come closer?" he grinned.

We were staring at each other, and a smile escaped my lips. He leaned in and our noses were touching, but he stopped there. He was just looking at me, waiting for my next move. So I tilted my head and closed the distance between us.

Cole's lips were warm and soft, softer than I had remembered. His tongue brushed over my lips and I parted my mouth with a low moan.

"You taste like butter," I murmured.

"You taste like you," he smiled through the kiss.

He started kissing my neck and my hand reached for his lush hair, running my fingers wildly through them. His hand then trailed from my knees to my inner thighs—and suddenly I winced.

"Ouch,"

"What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No, no, I'm fine,"

"Wait, let me see," before I could stop him, he had lifted my skirt up. His eyes widened almost instantly. "Kar... what are these?"

There were marks all over my thighs. Cut marks. Some were old, some were healing, and some were fresh.

"Nothing, I just scratched myself," I muttered quickly, too quickly.

"These don’t look like nothing," his tone was stern. "How long have you been doing this?"

"They're nothing, really,"

"Kara,"

"Cole, it's fine. It's just a little scratch," I said again, but he didn't believe me even for a bit.

"Since when?" he said again.

I took a deep breath and said, "Since... a year ago."

He sighed heavily and put his hand over his head.

"Why are you not telling me this? I thought you were doing fine,"

"I am fine, Cole. Really, this isn't as bad as it looks,"

"A year ago? You mean since he left?"

I let out a sigh and a slight nod.

"And you kept doing it? Even until now? Even until when we're together?" he paused for a second before saying, "why are you hiding it from me? You know you can tell me anything, I'm your best friend,"

He reached out for me but my body instantly flinched. He noticed it too, and he was a little taken aback.

Meanwhile, the TV was still playing Casablanca and it was getting on my nerves. So I quickly ran to turn it off, right before Humphrey Bogart said, "we'll always have Paris".

"...It's because you're still not over him, isn't it?" Cole said again.

"Cole..."

"Answer me, Kara, honestly,"

I bit my lip and sighed. "Yeah," I breathed.

"So what the hell was I to you? Your rebound guy?" his tone was suddenly threatening.

"Cole—"

"Kara, I don't want to just be your plaything. I am serious about us,"

"Cole, I am serious about us too—"

"When, then?"

"When what?"

"When will you be over him?"

"I... I don't know, I'm trying," I was stammering.

"Kara, I really do love you. But I can't keep doing this if you're not being 100% with me. I can't just be some consolation prize for you, alright?"

"Cole, please, you know it's not like that,"

"It feels a lot like it. I'm always gonna be living in the shadow of Ryder, aren't I?"

"Cole!"

"Tell me then Kara, when?!" he was shouting a little, his breathing was labored, and his gaze was so intense. I had never seen Cole this angry before.

"Stop it, Cole, ok, just hold on... look, let's just take a deep breath. I think we both are getting a bit too emotional... Can we just take some time, take a step back... I promise we'll talk about this again, tomorrow, ok?"

"Kara..."

"Please, Cole. I can't do this right now,"

I could see it in his eyes, he was hurting. I had hurt him, again. But he knew I wasn't ready to talk about this yet. So he took a deep breath and sighed.

"Okay, tomorrow," he nodded slowly.

I bit my lip and thought of something else to say, but I couldn't muster up any words. He looked at me with that worried look on his face, and I shot him a somewhat-reassuring smile. He sighed again and he leaned in, giving me a short kiss on the cheek.

"Good night Kara," he said, and he disappeared out the door.



Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

That was all that came over me after I saw Cole had left. The guilt was finally sinking in. I didn't want Cole to know I was still struggling with my feelings for Ryder. I wanted so much to believe that I was fine and that I had moved on.

I put on a strong face. I let everyone believe I was doing okay, including myself. But no matter how hard I tried to deny it, these scars spoke louder than words.

When Ryder left me, a piece of my soul had left with him. It was the worst feeling. How are you supposed to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive?

I was hurting and I needed an escape. I needed a technique to handle the pain. So the past year I had been hurting myself, but it wasn't excessive or anything. I just needed to feel physical pain so I could relieve the emotional one. That sounded bad, but really it was just my coping mechanism. It wasn't the best method out there, but for now, they were working.

I didn't know what to do for the rest of the night, so I wandered aimlessly to the bathroom, and suddenly I felt the need for a hot bath. I started filling up the bathtub with warm water as I slowly stripped the remainder of my clothes.

I could see it all over my arms and thighs—the scars and cuts.

I had been good at keeping this a secret, but now Cole had found out. He'd probably get me to stop doing this soon.

But not tonight.

As I dipped my feet into the warm water, my body immediately relaxed. I was lying in the tub, and I could see the moon from the bathroom window, it was unusually big and full. I wondered if the moon looked the same everywhere in the world.

I wonder if he could see this too?

I was just rubbing my arms with soap when I noticed the little tattoo I had on my wrist. I got this tattoo back then because I wanted to prove a point. I was going to leave him, but I didn't want him to think that I didn't love him. So I got this tattoo to prove to him that I really loved him and I was never gonna forget about him.

But now I wish I could.

I didn't even realize it, but my hand had suddenly reached out to the razor blade on the table next to me.

I want this tattoo gone.

The blade cut through my skin, right on the tattoo. A small red line appeared, striking through the two letters.

That was painful. This is all just too painful.

So I closed my eyes and let myself sink into the water.

"Next year, once you've graduated, I want you to come and join me. I'll be ready for you," he once said.

I was starting to see his face again. His deep blue eyes were staring down at me. A smile escaped his lips as he tucked a strand of hair away behind my ear. He looked so cool. He always looked so cool.

"Kara!" and then I heard a voice calling out to me.

Ryder...?







\- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -