Chapter 43 Crushed
Arden's POV
I was afraid to tell Lana about my situation, I was afraid that she would leave me the minute that I would tell her that I had a son and I'm divorced. I was always so close to telling her, but then I would stop myself. But I should've told her from the beginning. Everything happened fast. I saw her in the coffee shop that first day. She was so beautiful when I saw her getting a coffee at the barista. I always went to the coffee shop to get some coffee before I went to the university to be awake when I would teach.
I had sleepless nights because Charl, my son, was on my mind. But when I saw Lana that first time, I knew that I had to have her, that she was mine. I was determined to make her mine. She was a breath of fresh air in my life. I was surprised that she didn't want to go out or have me buy her coffee when hers spilled. Women likes me, but I'm a loyal man when I have someone that I love.
When I was working at my father's company, I f^cked women to get deals because I wanted to make my father proud. I had to do anything just to get it, but with my looks and having this effect on women, made it easy on me, and that is how I met my ex-wife, Lucinda. I tried to make a move on her when she came for a meeting and to make a deal, which she refused. I could see that she was attracted to me and I took that as an opportunity, but somehow she refused. She was a lovable woman, soft spoken and always had a smile on her face that attracted me to her. After a week, she came back to me offering me a deal for the company in cosmetics.
We went on dates and then eventually had s^x. We were happy, we got married, she was my everything. We decided to try for a baby. She fell pregnant but then she miscarried. We were both devastated, it was during her pregnancy that she started having panic attacks. She worked herself to the bone. I would always try to convince her to stop working so hard, but she never listened. I was always there, trying to calm her down so that she would breathe and just be okay for my baby, but it was late.
She ended up blaming me for our loss when all I did was be a professor... I became a professor when we got married. I just didn't want to work under my father. I was happy being a professor and helping students with their dreams.
Lucinda then fell into depression but we would still be intimate now and then. I tried everything, but it didn't seem to be helping. I would make dinner and she would just be sad and not talk, she would throw the plate and that crushed my heart. I couldn't take it anymore and that was when I decided to move out. I was unhappy and I felt that my marriage was becoming toxic with her streaks of aggression. I never thought that this one beautiful marriage that we had just changed completely after losing a baby.
She fell pregnant with my son just after I moved out. I was willing to move back in, thinking that she would be happy again, but she just wasn't. She paid me a visit and after I told her that I would move in and be there for her and our baby, she said that she wanted a divorce. That crushed me.
I was by her side when Charl was born. I spent time with him and then she just started keeping him away from me once the divorce was finalized. It was then and there that I decided not to have kids ever again. My mind is set on it and it will never change. I do not want to go through the same thing that I am going through with my son. Charl is enough for me.
It is now that Lucinda wants me to move back in, but I do not want to do that anymore. I will fight for my son to be able to see him, but I will not let Lucinda dangle Charl in front of me to get me to move in. I do not want to live in an unhappy home. I deserve to be happy too.
The hurt that I saw in Lana's eyes when I told her that I did not want that, broke my heart for her, but it is my decision and I will not be trapped with kids either.
I had been calling her and texting her, but she was ignoring me. Just when I thought that she was a light in my life, she went away and took that light with her. I will still be here, waiting for her. I will not leave my son behind because he needs me.
I tried to call her again but it went to voicemail. "Lana, I wish that you could answer my calls or respond to my texts. I know that you are still hurting, but please don't do this to us. I am hurting too and I don't want to go back to living with my ex-wife. It is you that I want and need along with my son. You both are the only two in my life that mean so much to me that I am willing to die for. Just...please respond to me, tell me that you're okay at least," I let out a breath and then I placed my phone on my desk in the study room.
My heart feels more crushed with Lana than it was with Lucinda. Lana does mean so much to me that I can see that now. If she wants nothing to do with me, then I will give her the space that she needs because I am the one who f^cked up. So I will take my punishment. I can only hope that she responds to me and still wants to be with me, but I will wait here for her. I will always wait, even if she never comes back. I guess that part crushes me to bits and pieces.