Chapter 40 Just Go, Will
Will’s P.O.V.
"She hasn’t been coming to college, you know. I just hope she’s okay after what you did to her.” Isabel says, her voice filled with concern.
And her words hit me hard.
She’s disappeared.
Because of me.
Because I pushed her away and never gave her the chance to explain.
How is she?
I haven’t seen her for three days, but it feels longer, like time itself has stretched endlessly without her. God, I hope she’s alright. I hope she’s sleeping. I hope she’s eating. I hope she’s not curled up somewhere, crying the way she cried in front of me.
I’m such an idiot.
My condition is at its worst without her. I can’t think, I can’t breathe properly, I can’t focus on anything. My whole world feels empty and lifeless. And what if she’s going through the same pain because of me? What if she’s hurting even more? What if she thinks I never cared… when the truth is, I cared too much and ruined everything because of it?
The thought makes my heart race. My chest tightens and my hands begin to shake.
What if she’s not okay?
What if she’s alone right now and suffering?
The fear settles deep inside me.
And for the first time since this all happened, I’m not just angry…
I’m terrified.
Terrified of what I might have done to my Professor.
"Fuck! I did so wrong to her." I drag my hand down my face in frustration.
"Yeah, now just go to her and talk before it’s too late, idiot.” Sebastian gives me a push on the back until I’m on my feet.
Too late… God, I hope it’s not too late. How will I face her after hurting her so much?
I feel like I don’t even deserve her now. But right now, I just want to look after her.
I glance at my friends one last time, and they all silently tell me to just go. Then I rush out, my mind spinning.
What might she be doing right now? Is she okay without me? I keep praying that she is. How can she be fine when I broke her heart? I should’ve trusted her.
That’s all that runs through my mind as I drive toward Iva’s house. Three days without seeing her, and my eyes ache to look at her again.
But what if she doesn’t want to see me?
What if I’ve already lost her?
No. I have to try.
I have to make this right no matter what.
Because the truth is, I never really let her go.
I just let my anger destroy us. God! I wish I had put my love above my anger.
And now, all I can do is pray I’m not too late and I can fix everything between us. Because I’m nothing without her. I don’t want a world where she isn’t with me.
As I stand at the door of her apartment with the key in my hand, I remember the day she gave it to me.
“This is so you can come over whenever you want,” she had said with a smile, placing the keys in my hand.
She gave me everything… and I didn’t even trust her.
Fuck.
I regret it so badly now.
How am I supposed to face her? When it’s so hard for me to even forgive myself, how will I ask her to forgive me?
I unlock the door of her apartment with the spare keys, and the moment it opens, the breath leaves my body. The sight in front of me shocks me to the core. The place… It’s unrecognisable.
It’s a mess.
The woman who keeps everything in its proper place, who folds her clothes with precision, who can’t stand a single book misaligned, who wipes down her counters twice just to be sure, now her apartment looks like this.
Fuck.
What did I do?
Even before hearing a word of explanation from her, I’m regretting everything.
The cushions are scattered across the sofa, some on the floor as if thrown in frustration. Books lie open, pages bent, abandoned like they didn’t matter. A blanket is crumpled at the foot of the couch, twisted as though she tried to sleep there and failed. A coffee cup lies on its side on the table. The air feels heavy, like it’s been holding her sadness for days.
It’s chaos. It’s not her. She’s never been like this. She’s always been so organised, putting everything together so carefully. Her home has always reflected her, calm, beautiful, perfect.
But this… this is the home of someone who’s hurting. Someone who has stopped caring. Someone broken.
God! What have I done to her? I destroyed her. She stopped living her life because of me. I feel intense pain in my chest. With every passing second, my guilt only grows. And all I can think about is how I’m supposed to face her after this… how I’m supposed to look into the eyes of the woman I love, the woman I hurt.
I regret everything. Sometimes even my very existence. Because I hurt her. Fuck, I hurt my love. My professor. The woman who trusted me with pieces of herself no one else ever saw.
How could I do that?
I run a shaky hand through my hair.
I can almost imagine her crying here, curled up on the sofa, tearing through her neat world because the pain was too much to keep inside.
God, what have I done?
Maybe it’s too late. Maybe she’s already decided she’s better off without me. Maybe I should’ve known this moment was coming.
But I can’t give up on us. Not like this. Not so easily.
My eyes search for her desperately, my heartbeat rising. I need to find her. I need to make this right. Even if it takes everything left in me.
And then I see her.
She’s sitting alone at the dining table, her head resting on her crossed arms. I see her from behind, her hair is messy, tied loosely, with strands falling out like she hasn’t cared to fix it. Her glasses lie abandoned on the table beside her.
Seeing her like this breaks something in me.
“Iva,” I call her, taking slow steps towards her, feeling like crying.
She doesn’t react.
And when I finally circle the table and see her face, I freeze. My whole body stops as if slamming into a wall.
Her eyes are swollen and red from crying. Her lashes clumped from dried tears. Her skin is pale, exhausted, like she hasn’t slept properly in days. Her cheeks are still damp, as if fresh tears had just rolled down minutes ago.
She looks… hollow. Like someone carved her out from the inside. And it guts me because I know, there is no one else to blame but me.
She doesn’t move from her place, doesn’t even lift her eyes to me at first. When she finally blinks, it’s like she can’t tell if I’m really here or just another painful dream.
I take a deep breath and quickly kneel in front of her, my heart pounding painfully in my chest.
“Iva…” I call her out again, my voice broken as I reach out, aching to touch her face.
But she lifts her face from the table instantly to look at me. “Don’t touch me!” She shouts.
Her words hit me like a thousand knives, but it’s her eyes that kill me the most. Those blue eyes that once looked at me with love, now burning with hatred.
And fuck, it destroys me from the inside.
I even lost the right to touch her. Of course, I don’t deserve her. I kissed someone else right in front of her. Now why would she ever let me near her again?
Slowly, I pull my hand back.
But inside, one thing is clear that I have to make things right. I destroyed everything with my own hands, and I’ll go to any extent to fix it… to fix her. To fix her broken heart.
“Just go, Will,” as she begs, fresh tears stream down her cheeks, and she doesn’t even bother to wipe them away.
“Why are you even here?” She asks in that broken voice, and I can hear that she’s already lost all hope of me ever coming back to her.
And that sound, it feels like it’s tearing my heart into pieces.
Fuck you, Will. You don’t deserve her. She should never forgive you.
I scold myself, but I just want to make everything right between us. I want her back in my life, and I want to bring a smile to her face again. I swear to God, I’ll never let a single tear fall from her cheeks because of me ever again.