49: Her Shitty Past

Somehow, she didn’t know how it happened, but painting did something to her heart. She felt so much better and it felt as if she was draining her heart out and draining it through her canvas. It felt peaceful and therapeutic like painting had always been to her. Plus having the ambiance of the garden was doing wonders to her soul that even though she was making a painful art, she felt relieved. She heard the soft steps of someone walking but she didn’t know who it was. And she didn’t mind looking up because whenever she was painting, she had to concentrate solely on her painting.

“Addah...” Fareeda called softly as if she had something to tell her but Jalilah couldn’t look up from her canvas and her color palette.

“What is it, Fareeda? Wait for me until I'm done, okay? Or maybe you can come back after I'm done. I don’t want any distractions because I might lose the inspiration to paint again. Please, Fareeda?” She smiled without looking up, but she knew Fareeda would always understand. She mixed some colors and continued painting, her eyebrows knitting in confusion, and whenever a strong emotion struck her heart, she would smile sadly but she kept on painting.

She was giving the painting it’s final touches while she stared at it with pure admiration in her eyes and a happy smile when she spoke, her eyes still not wandering off the canvas as she checked for the places that needed the final touches. “Fareeda? I think I'm done, what do you need?” She asked and didn’t wait for her to answer when she spoke again. Finishing up this painting felt as if she had severed all her ties with her past life and maybe, she could be able to start on afresh, all over if she could. “Do you remember the park Uncle Yusuf took us to last time he came? I couldn’t enjoy myself then, I didn’t even appreciate it, I think I could do that now. Don’t you think we should go?” She asked while she placed down her brush for the last time and sighed in appreciation of her handwork.

“Where’s Fareed? Call him so we can leave, staying here all evening will drain my emotions out.” She said while she finally turned and Jalilah didn’t know she flinched and threw her color palette. “Arhh!” She screamed at the pitch of her voice and felt her heart trying so hard to plunge out of her chest. She didn’t know what she was seeing was either real or not. Was this what Fareeda wanted to talk to her about? How long had he been here? What the hell was he doing here?

She finally got a hold of herself and composed herself in a feisty expression. “What are you doing here, Yazeed?” Oh, how much she had missed calling his name, but then seeing him irritated her. It disgusted her like she was sure he felt disgusted the day Khaleefah went to his house and told him about their past relationship. As much as she was sure being Jibril would make her angry and irritated, she would rather see him now than see Yazeed sitting across from her. With a guilty stricken expression and his eyes looked hollow and sleep deserted. Had he been depressed after she had left? Not that she cared even if he did.

‘Because I love you, Jalilah. And I can’t do this to you.’ These words rang through her brain, but she quickly pushed them back as fast as they came. Because she was sure Yazeed didn’t mean any of that. He only said that because maybe he was disgusted with her and couldn’t do that with her? She was even embarrassed now that she remembered how she had been pushing herself on him. If only he had taken advantage of that, she knew she would hate herself forever because of that. He sighed and placed his hands on his head, he didn't know where or how to start from, but he guessed he could start from wherever he could think of. So, he blurted out the first word that came to his brain.

“I love you, Jalilah. That’s why I'm here because I love you and I want to make things right.” Those were the only words he could say to her, maybe they didn’t sound okay knowing the situation they were in, but at least he couldn’t hold them back because he wasn’t even sure if she heard them the first time he admitted and uttered them to her. Because all that while, he had been trying so hard to deny his feelings for Jalilah, but that day, he knew he couldn't, and only loving her could stop him from taking advantage of her.

What was wrong with him? What was he saying? Was he even in the right state and house? Had he gone crazy or he didn’t recognize the lady he was speaking with? Jalilah wanted to ask him all these, but the moment she looked through his eyes and saw what she would like not to believe was a gleam of tears, she knew no matter what he did to her, she couldn’t be blatantly rude to him, but she could at least be honest with him. She sighed and felt her heart shrinking, but she had to do this once and for all, maybe she could find peace and the will to move on herself.

“I heard that you love me, Yazeed, but I don’t think that’s good to hear or use in any way for us. I want to be honest with you, and if I say I want to be honest with you, that means I can’t lie. I won't say that I don’t love you, I still do that, but I don’t want you anymore. I don’t hate you either, no matter how hard I try to do that I can’t. So, I guess I'll just try to live on with your love until I get someone that I can trust with my delicate self. I know you wouldn’t travel from Abuja to Adamawa just so you could tell me this, right? It wouldn’t be that important for you to do that. You probably need an explanation of why I didn’t tell you about Khaleefah, and I'd do that now. I'd tell you everything and I'm sure after we say our hearts out, we can all move on without any hard feelings or regrets.” It wasn’t even as hard as she predicted it would be, the words just flowed like the emotions that were making themselves stagnant in her heart and she wanted them to be known to him. She still loved him, maybe she would forever do, but then she didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t deserve her, and she was done watering a seed that refused to grow. Maybe he was really in love with her now, but even that wasn’t enough to make him deserve her.

Yazeed felt the walls of his heart-crushing down if he had understood what Jalilah meant, which he was sure he did; she loved him but then at the same time she didn't want to be with him. She would rather love on with her life without him than embroil herself into a relationship with him that only brought tears and pain to her soul. “Jalilah, I don’t understand what you mean. Okay, I know I did unforgivable things, I still couldn’t forgive myself about them, but will you please think for a...”

She cut him off with a peaceful smile, she looked calm and contented, as if she had realized that life was better without him in it. “We both know what you did, Yazeed. Whether it’s forgivable or not, it’s for me to decide. Forgiving you is different from letting you back into my life, only myself could decide that. You haven’t listened to me then when I wanted to tell you our story, will you please do that now?” She fixed her eyes right into his and he didn't know when he nodded his head even though he could feel the way his soul was slowly getting crushed down and it felt so painful that breathing was getting hard.

“I got married to him when I was 16years old, that’s immediately after I graduated from secondary school. Baba died a year ago and I was still delicate from the pain of his loss, I wanted a companion, someone that would make me feel as if it all happened for a reason and I could live through the pain. I met him once when I went to the park with Uncle Yusuf and he left me there with the driver because he had to handle some business. He was your usual charming guy, handsome, he made me laugh and he calmed me down. It always felt good, plus I was just a girl that needed closure, so I fell in love with him. When I first told him about my love for ballet, I've never gotten support as I did from him, except him, who was no marry.

“A month after we met, he proposed to me and I was hell-bent in love not to accept him. So, I did, even though I was skeptical at first, I didn’t know what I was afraid of and when I voiced my fears out to him, he promised me that he would always make me happy. He promised he would let me dance ballet for as long as I want and he would love me endlessly until his last breath, I was naïve, or maybe it was life teaching me some lessons the hard way, so I agreed with him. Mama didn't want me to get married at that tender age but seeing how much I loved him and almost packed my things to Uncle Yusuf’s house because she refused to agree on our marriage, she finally agreed. We got married exactly two months after we met.

“The first days were good, he treated me like the baby he always promised me too. But after just two weeks, I couldn’t find the man I fell in love with him. He became violate, he yelled at me whenever I move something wrong and I always cry, which he hated, and he would shout more at me. I couldn’t tell Mama anything at that time because I was aware of the fact that she hated the marriage and I still had hope in him. Maybe he was going through a phase and he could come over sometime. I always kept making excuses for him. He didn’t come back early; it was always until after 1 in the morning or at dawn. It got to the point that I wasn’t even afraid to sleep alone and wake up alone, I became sad and depressed. I couldn’t even draw because he locked everything in one room, things he was sure would make me happy; all in the name of I have to mature up, I always act childish.”

She didn’t know she was crying already until she felt the salty liquid of her tears on her lips and she cleared them off, but she knew more would come because she hadn't gotten deeper into the story yet. “I could spend weeks without seeing him, plus he didn’t allow anyone to visit me, he wanted me to grow up and stop acting like the spoilt brat I was. When he noticed I ordered food and got it delivered to me, he collected my cards and phone and that meant starvation because I had always been picky when it came to food. Fast forward, one night he told me that he had to go to Dubai for some business and he wanted me to go with him. I brought up my ballet, I wanted to keep doing it, and he said he would see how the business would go, if he could, he would take me to Paris and enroll me in a ballet school there. I don’t have to tell you how excited I was about that, right? Ballet meant the whole world to be the only reason I got married to him was because of ballet. Funny how I did a lot of stupid things for ballet that only landed me in the pit of regret and agony, but I still love it.”

She cackled with tears profusely rolling down her cheeks and placed her head into her hands. “We left for Dubai, Mama thought I was happy when I went to bid her goodbye, she didn’t ask anything because I was happy then, I thought since he would enroll me into a ballet school, maybe I was mature enough now. We lodged in a hotel and I became more depressed. I didn’t see him, but somehow, I figured out I heard him coming in and out of the bed late at night or early at dawn, and before I wake up; naturally, I sleep a lot when I’m sad, he’s no more again. Then one night before I slept, he came into the room all smiling and I felt relieved. It was good to see him again because I was still in love with him.

“He asked me to get ready that he’s taking me to meet his business partners, I wondered who were they considering he had never introduced me to even his friends. I got myself into an Abaya and we left. I later realized that it was in the hotel and when we got into the suite, there were four men there. Two of them looked like those rich Arab men and two were black, I couldn’t point a finger at their nationality though. He guided me to the bedroom, and I wondered what kind of introduction it was when they followed into the room and I saw them holding a dog. I hated dogs, they freaked me out and I hid behind Khaleefah.” Okay, this was where the real terror began, and as much as she didn’t want to think about it, she had to tell him everything.

“I asked him, ‘What are we doing here, Khaleefah? Will you please take me back? I'm afraid of dogs!’ The dog looked like that kind of breeds that you only see in an English land and he had this kind of tongue, you know? I couldn’t keep calm, I kept shaking. He pulled me away from his back and glared at me, that was when I knew he meant business, ‘Do you want to go to your ballet school?’ He asked and despite being afraid, I smiled innocently and nodded my head at him. Do you know what he told me? He wanted me to sleep with the dog in front of those four men with him being the fifth. That was the merciless he had ever been. And that’s why whenever you refer to me as cheap, miserable, and pathetic, I couldn’t help but believe you.

“I didn't agree with him too. I started to fight even though I was sure with one hold, they could have that dog raped me. I've never thought there was something as dirty as that was, even at my young age, at least I couldn't do that for ballet. I kept running why he tried to catch me, and it got to the point that one of the Arab men called his name which stopped us from outrunning spree. ‘Look, Khaleefah, just let her be. If she’s afraid or we force her which she will be screaming and crying, she wouldn’t enjoy it and we couldn’t either. I think we have to find someone for this. You can leave.’ The moment I heard that, and I watched the man holding the dog walked out of the door, I ran and went straight to the elevator. I didn’t know he was behind me until he felt the way he tightly held my hair and tried so hard to pull the strands out. We got into the elevator like that, with him raining insults and yelling at me at how I've damaged how the chance to get madly rich and that...the violence I experienced in that elevator was the sole reason for my phobia for elevators. Whenever I ride one, it always felt as if I'll see that dog and Khaleefah behind me banging my head to the wall while he tried to pull my hair out.”

She had to take some breath because she was crying so hard now. This was the second time she had narrated this story her whole life. First was with Mama, and Yazeed was the second. She didn't even go into the details with Farha, she just told her the kind of person he was and how she suffered when she was married to him. And right now, she could see that Yazeed was trying to speak to her, but she didn’t want him to, she wanted to get this over with. “We came back to Nigeria after that, and I could say it was only a few days when I wouldn’t wake up to his belt on my body. It was always wondering to me how I wasn’t dead then. Because he made sure he beat me until I couldn’t breathe and he left me there, cold, and bare to this painful world.

“And one faithful day, which I could never forget, he brought his friend home at night. And they tried to rape me, sodomy of course, and I declined. I fought them and when Khaleefah got angry and he started banging my head to the wall and making sure there wasn’t a space left on my body which his belt hadn’t touched, I blacked out. The next I saw when I woke up was a crying Mama beside me on the hospital bed and I could say that was the end of it. After I narrated everything to Mama, she didn’t judge me. She didn’t tell me that ‘I told you so’, she consoled me and became the best mother I've ever wanted. Uncle Yusuf fought so hard until he divorced me, and they got a restriction order from the police because he promised that I will never get married as long as I couldn't stay married with him.

You can be the person I love the most in my life but raping me will make me hate you for eternity. He scarred my life so much. I hated men in general and I went back to school, that’s where I met Farha. Even though she didn’t know what I was going through then, she was among the best friends you could ever have in your life. She regained back my self-esteem, made me have so much confidence in myself, and made me love myself all over again. When I told her about my love for ballet, she made me not give up and with her by my side, I started life from scratch.”

She stood up the moment her lips closed, and she cleared her tears away, she knew she had unveiled something in her heart that couldn't just be ignored, she would have to cry so much tonight. “That’s my story, my past, and it feels like hell whenever I think about it and you could imagine the damage speaking about it does. You aren’t the only one I haven’t told this to, Yazeed, even Farha didn’t know until I had amnesia and I didn’t even tell her the whole story because it felt as if I'm ripping my heart while I spoke about it. I'm so sorry that I betrayed your trust through this, either way, ‘I’m a freaking miserable divorcee desperately looking for a husband in Abuja’ Those were your words, but to me, being a divorcee isn’t something to be sabotaged about. To me, it smelt like freedom, like finding one's self again after being in a toxic marriage, it felt like being happy again. Trying to love yourself again and just be yourself for the time being. But one thing, I didn't go to Abuja looking for a husband, and when I fell in love in Abuja, I regret doing that now. And with one of the eligible bachelors in Abuja sitting across me now, I realized, after all, falling in love again isn’t just the answer.

“So, Yazeed Adam Bunza, you can go back to Abuja and look for a beautiful girl that didn't have a shitty past like I am. There are tons of them, those that could go wait until you fall in love with them first before they could fall in love with you. Those that wouldn’t love something as much as I loved ballet to do all those stupid things I did. The ones that wouldn’t be referred to as a prostitute by your stepmother. And I forgot to mention, I think the men that knocked me off that night were sent by her, you might need to be careful with the next girl you’d fall in love with. Thank you for all the time we spend together. But most importantly, I’d forever be indebted to you for not taking advantage of my naivety. I wish you a good life, but please, don’t come looking for me again. I've always told you that loving you hurts, right? Hating you hurts tenfold too. But maybe forgiving you and moving on with life would feel like heaven, so I forgive you.”

The moment Yazeed watched her left, he placed his head into his hands and broke into tears. ‘So, I forgive you.’ She didn’t even hear him speak, because she didn’t want to know what he thought about her and her story, right? Was this how painful love someone that no more gave a damn felt like? Forget that, he wanted to kill Khaleefah for inflicting that much pain on her. But the first person he wanted to kill was himself. And right now, he knew he didn’t deserve her, but as Wafiyya said, he wasn’t going to give up now. Because he loved her now more than anything else in this world.