48: Tender Talks

He had been seated on in Sulaiman’s office longer than he had intended to. But he didn’t know what else to do, he knew this was bound to happen sooner or later, but he didn’t just want to accept it. What else would he do? How could be act? What ways should he follow? It had been months, maybe two months or more than that, yet he was still not over it and the worse was, he didn’t know the best way to act. Every time he felt the urge to cry it out, it was more painful when he realized he couldn’t even cry about it. His whole life had stopped, plus Hajia’s pressure on him, he wanted to end things for himself. It was as if there were only three to at least five people that would grieve if they lost him.

Sulaiman, Wafiyya, Ilham, maybe if Yazeed jr grew up and he was told of his ‘amazing’ godfather that committed suicide because of love, hatred and whatever it was he couldn’t point a finger at. Then Jalilah. He knew she had been hating him since she remembered her memories back, but somehow, he would wish that if he fell dead today, she would grieve for his lost, wouldn’t she? After she had left home, he got a call from her mother that she had arrived home, that he shouldn’t have to worry about her whereabouts in case she didn’t tell her she was leaving because she didn’t seem like herself anymore. Then who? Maybe Alhaji would regret, it’s just a pinch of hope that he knew if he were to commit suicide, he wouldn’t have to fee heartbroken when his father didn’t regret what he had done to him.

After them, he had no one. And maybe, it would be best if he ended it for himself. His cousins would always understand. They always do. “Earth to, Yazeed!” He heard Sulaiman’s voice and that brought him out of his trance. What had he been thinking about for long? It had always been Jalilah. Was this the way she felt? Was this how loving someone hurt? He knew this wasn’t his first time loving, but at least not this hard. At least not when you’re sure that other person hated your guts.

“Sulaiman...” he let his words trailed off because he didn’t know what more to tell him. He had never felt this pain in his whole life. He loved her, he wanted to see her even from a distance, but he knew there was no way he could do that. Maybe she had even given their gatemen his picture not to allow him in? Not that he had the liver in him to go to Adamawa now.

“For god sake, Yazeed, why don’t you talk? I know what’s eating you up for the past two months now, but you have to try to live. She wasn’t this miserable when you did it to her and I hope she isn’t like this now, would you let yourself breath for a moment?” He could see how desperate Sulaiman wanted him to let it go. Okay, maybe not let it go but he wanted him to stop punishing himself. How he was feeling about Jalilah was enough evidence that he didn’t fall in love with her of recent, maybe he had always been in love with her.

Who knew? Maybe from the first time, she walked into that elevator, how she spoke while she seemed carefree and somewhat happy. Or it was when she put her leg between the door and her anklet got revealed? Was it the way she danced? So poetic and breathtaking? Or it was the way she laughed? How she smiled, or just her mere existence that made him fall in love with her? He wished he had known this before; all this wouldn’t have been so hard. They both wouldn’t have been in so much pain. If he had realized he loved her before, he wouldn’t have been as stupid as he was. Wouldn’t have treated her the way he did.

“Wafiyya, will you please come to my office? It looks like Yazeed is having suicidal thoughts. I’ve done all I could, but he couldn’t even speak to me. Every day he keeps getting farther away, I’m afraid of what will happen to him now...” Sulaiman was sad, he could read that from his eyes. But Yazeed couldn’t voice a word out. Breathing itself was taking a toll of his lungs, be rather delved himself into this lonely feeling of being alone and in so much agony.

In what felt like a nanosecond, Wafiyya walked into the office with a warm look in her eyes. She sat on the chair opposite him and leaned in to take his hands in hers. “Yazeed,” she spoke, trying so hard to have eye contact with him, and when she did, he felt something eased off in his mind. Maybe Jalilah was right, he had always needed a female’s closure in his life.

“Yazeed, not again, okay? You can’t do this to yourself again, please. I get it, you’ve contributed so much to how this turned, but it wasn’t your fault, Yazeed. You couldn’t have changed all the things if you were given the chance to. It was bound to happen this way, maybe not exactly but it would still happen. Don’t punish yourself again, you don’t deserve this either.” She was so soft, looking at him with all the care and tenderness he had never seen in someone’s eyes before, and he felt the urge to confide in them now.

He sighed and squeezed their hands. “But I love her, what should I do? I understand that time I had to let go, it was of no use holding onto it, but what of now? What should I do? You two have been telling me to let go, not to punish myself but none of you mentioned how to fix it. I want to fix it, Wafiyya. I want her in my life, how do I do it when I know she hates me now?” He turned to Sulaiman with the same desperate and helpless look in his eyes, nearly getting to tears. “Tell me, Sulaiman, if you were in my shoes, what would you have done to make things right?”

They both stared into each other’s eyes and they waited for him to take his breath. It felt as if he hadn’t been breathing for so long and even now, he just exhaled not to suffocate himself. At least he had to hold on and see whether there was a chance of fixing things, but if there wasn’t, he didn’t know what to do anymore.

Wafiyya first spoke, she seemed to be solving their problems whenever they had one. She was a shoulder they could all lean onto and she was always warm and soothing to them. “Why not take a break? Don’t come to the company, go somewhere far from Abuja where you couldn’t be reminded of the mistakes you’ve done? Think about it for a while...”

He cut her off even before she was done, he didn’t need some time to think about it, he knew what he wanted now, and there was no amount of thinking would make him change that. “I don’t have to think about it, Wafiyya, I know exactly what I want and it’s Jalilah. I want her to marry me. Wait, that seems too intimate, she should at least forgive me even if she’s not going to give me a chance again. The thought of her hating me at the other part of the world is breaking me.”

Sulaiman sighed and took his eyes off the screen of his phone. “I’ve booked for your flight; you’re taking off in the next hour. You have to go to Adamawa, Yazeed. I don’t know how you should fix it, but you have to. From the way she loves you, I’m quite sure hating you is painful to her as well. I won’t say it would be easy, just brace yourself and don’t give up until she forgives you and if you have the chance, bring her home as your wife.”

He looked at them as if he wasn’t sure if he could do that, and Wafiyya grinned while she squeezed his hands, nodding her head at him. “You can do that, Yazeed. You have to do this because you love her, and she used to love you too. Which I’m still sure she does. I’m sure we can’t be of help here but in case you need us, we’re just a phone call away, we’ll always board the next flight for you.”

Sulaiman smiled at him and he stood up, “Let’s go and help him pack, Wafiyya.” They both stood up but Yazeed was still sitting on the chair, skeptical at what they had just planned for him, something he didn’t think he had the guts to.

He softly shook his head while looking up at them, “Are you sure this is the right way? I mean, can I do this? What if she doesn’t want to see me? It has been long, and I didn’t reach out, what do you think would happen now? What if she’s already moved on?” His voice shook at his last sentence and he didn’t want to imagine how much it would damage him if he went there and found out that Jalilah had already moved on.

They always knew the answers to this kind of questions were better answered by Wafiyya, and right now she smiled and softly shook her head. “You don’t have to bombard your head with what-ifs, Yazeed. You have to optimistic, okay? And just in case you find out she has moved on, which I doubt she could, then at least she could be able to forgive you, which will lessen your guilt, right? Let’s just think about the good things now, we can always deal with the bad things later, we always do.”

And he didn’t argue with her, he didn’t even have it in his heart to argue with her. They left Sulaiman’s office and drove directly to his house. He clenched his eyes shut when Sulaiman drove into the house and sighed. The first weeks after she had left, Yazeed had to book a room in a hotel near the company, it felt like torture living in that house when everything there reminded him of her. And it took a lot of soothing words from Wafiyya and Sulaiman before he agreed to come back to this house, it still felt alien to him. Not after all her things were evacuated by her family and it now felt like a graveyard.

He just sat on the sofa in his room while they packed his clothes. They joked about which one which looks more handsome on him and increases the chances of Jalilah forgiving him, but he was anxious to even understand what they were all saying. They were done packing all they knew he would need, and they walked out of the room while he took the one thing he wasn’t sure yet of taking with him and followed them downstairs.

He still couldn’t believe what was happening until he watched as Sulaiman parked in the parking lot and they walked to the departure with him. Looking onto his wristwatch, Yazeed realized it was just a few minutes left for him and he didn’t even know what he should say to her.

He innocently looked up at them with his bloodshot and sleep deserted eyes while he asked, “What should I tell her? I mean, how do I apologize? That’s if she agrees to listen to me.”

They all chuckled and Sulaiman hugged him. “Come on, Yazeed, you’ve always been so charming. You know your words to her heart, I’m sure you can win her over.”

He broke their hug but Yazeed was still not yet convinced, he turned to Wafiyya for help and she hugged him too. “Girls can be stubborn, Bunza, you just have to be patient and persistent until she finally relented. We all love you and wish you luck, okay?” She patted his shoulder, and it took lots of willpower before he bade them goodbye and walked into the departure. Before he disappeared, he glanced at the arrival and thought of the possibility of him coming back here all alone with only a broken heart weighing him down.

She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them firmly while she threw her phone over the phone on the bed. She sighed and fought her tears so hard, but they ended up rolling down her cheeks in such a speed they always do, which always reminded her that Yazeed promised to scar her life forever and he was doing just that no matter how much she would try to act strong. And she strongly hated him for that.

She hated it more whenever she had a phone call with Jibril knowing clearly that wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want to be talking to any guy for the rest of her life but then she had to do this. She had to try again, with the Jibril he had always suggested for her. For the past two months, Mama had even gotten tired of consoling her that Jalilah knew she was only praying for her. Farha had come to Adamawa twice just to see her and make sure she was doing okay, but none of that made her feel better. She was sick and emotionally drained. She wished there was a way she could forget about everything that had happened in her life to start all over again. From scratch, she knew better than to make another mistake again.

And now Jibril wanted to send his people, Mama hadn’t spoken to her about moving on but Jalilah knew she wanted her to do that. Uncle Yusuf often visited, and sometimes he would take her out for a walk or just to a park where he would make her smile and if she was lucky, something made her laugh once or twice. It felt as if she wasn’t the one anymore, as if she was just another soul living in her body.

Wafiyya called her few times but there were times she couldn’t speak to her, she only cried, and maybe that made her feel guilty because she hardly called her now. She only asked her through texts whether she was fine and every day, she apologized on his behalf. Which did nothing to soothe Jalilah’s heart, only added more to her pain and agony. She didn’t know what she would do about Jibril when they spoke with Farha about him, she suggested that she should give herself time. Rushing into things would only do more harm to her than good. But whenever Jibril called and spoke about how much he loved her and was so eager to marry her, she wondered if somewhere around the globe, the ‘Sanaya’ he always spoke about truly existed. Because she didn’t treat him that way, she wondered how much he loved her not to get tired of the way she seemed nonchalant to whatever he said or did.

Getting married was the last thing she wanted to do in her life, but she knew it might her only path to healing. Maybe if she started all over with a man that truly loved her, knowing her heart, she could easily fall in love with him too, that’s after some time after she finally realized letting go of all that Yazeed encompassed would do more good than holding onto him. She wasn’t sure when that time would come, but she knew it would, no matter how long it would take.

The doorknob turned and their maid walked into the room holding a tray of her lunch. She turned to her bedside drawer where she had placed the tray in the morning and realized she had been on the bed and didn’t do anything. Not even brushed her teeth. But she was feeling tired emotionally that to lift her hand was a whole job, she’d rather cry an ocean of tears.

“Addah Jalilah, you haven’t taken your breakfast. Mama always looked worried whenever I take back your tray uneaten. Please eat your lunch today, bathe and maybe go to the garden to ease your mind off. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but it sure isn’t worth you dwelling in so much agony over. You have so much to be thankful for, in your life. One loss shouldn’t make you ungrateful to Allah, thank him and beg him to ease your affairs. He hears, Addah Jalilah, he sees what’s in the darkest corners of this earth. Hold onto him and he shall heal you no matter how impossible that might seem. I’m sorry if I said something wrong, but please try as much to make yourself as happy as possible. There’s so much to live than what should have been.”

What did she just hear? She knew she had heard tons of soothing words but none of them would be compared to this. Her words seeped through her mind in such a way she had never imagined words could and she didn’t fail when she tried to smile today. “You have no idea how your words make me feel. Thank you, Ramatu, may Allah bless you.” Ramatu smiled and walked out of the room and Jalilah directly pulled herself to the bathroom. She had to make better use of herself. The pain wouldn’t be insignificant, but she would just have to learn to live with it.

She had her bathe and when she came out, with her teeth brushed thoroughly and her eyes cleansed from her tears, she realized how much of a mess the room was. Their maids always wanted to clean the room, but she asked them not to, she didn’t notice how much of a mess it was. It was only on days Fareed managed to get her to the balcony for some evening air that Fareeda would get the chance to clean it for her and even that had been long.

She cleaned the room, passing on her aggression to whatever she laid her hands on, and after she was done, she sat down with the tv on even though she wasn’t paying heed to what was playing and ate her lunch. For the first time in two months, she ate something. After she was done, she took her canvas, the one she told Uncle Yusuf to make sure he got for her from Yazeed’s balcony and decided she would finish the painting today and maybe, just maybe, if she was lucky enough, she might be able to turn a new page in her life. The chapter had been long after all.