50: He Proposed

She stared down from her window and he was still there like he was, every day since the first day she had told him not to come looking for her ever again. But he didn’t pay heed to what she had said. Every day he would come, and it looked like he had become friends with Fareed and Fareeda. He only left to his hotel after having dinner with Fareed and before she woke up, he would be back, sitting in the hut she had already become accustomed to seeing him now every day. Often, the twins came begging her to go and listen to whatever it was he had to tell her, but she always yelled at them to leave her alone, because she felt no matter what she heard from Yazeed, nothing could change her mind about him.

It was funny how she had once had this conversation with Farha, about men that chase a girl until she finally relented and gave in to what they wanted. And how she jokingly told her that she was sure Yazeed wouldn’t be one of those guys. She was certain then that he didn’t even know how to chase a girl. But he proved her long, he had always been in their house that she wondered whether Mama knew he was there or not. But deep down she knew that Mama knew, she just didn’t want to make her go to listen to him because she didn't want to force her into something she might have no liking for.

It was morning and she had just woken up, still in her pajamas when she lifted her curtain and saw him there. Today, he was having a phone call and from the expression on his face, Jalilah knew he was either speaking with Wafiyya or Sulaiman, those were the only people he talked to while having that expression. There was breakfast laid out in front of him, but he was only sipping from his cup of coffee, she knew all that work was Fareeda’s and Fareed. Maybe they gave him time now to eat something?

She hissed softly and stared harder, and like it had become a routine for him, after every minute or so, he would look up to her window but every time she did a good job at dodging him, sadly today wasn’t favoring her enough. It was far away to say they had eye contact, but she was certain he had seen her figure staring at him through the window and she let go of the curtain. She had to go out of this house today, it was solely because of him that she didn’t even go downstairs anymore, Ramatu always brought whatever she wanted. Because she was afraid to go and sit with them in the living room while those kids will go and call him in. Seeing him face to face was the last thing she wanted. And she knew it would only be a matter of time before he got tired of staying in Adamawa and he would take the next flight back to Abuja.

After some minutes had passed, she lifted the curtain again and stared at him. Most of the times, she could admit that seeing him in their house while she knew he was solely there because he wanted her to listen to him and give him a chance was flattering, she felt as if she did matter to him. If only he gave all these efforts when she wanted him to, now he was only making things hard on them because she wasn’t going down from her words. She heard someone clearing his throat behind her and she quickly let go of the curtain while dampening her sweaty palms on her cotton nightgown.

“Mama, good morning.” She greeted and Mama smiled softly at her while she moved and sat on the edge, motioning for her to do the same. She sat down and waited for what Mama had to say, maybe she was tired of seeing him in her house and she wanted Jalilah to ask him to leave? If that was the case, Jalilah knew that she couldn’t do that, there was a limit to how to mean she could be to Yazeed even though she made sure she told herself every time that life without him would be more peaceful for her.

“Khadija, how are you feeling?” Khadija, whatever it was, Mama took it with great importance and Jalilah tried all she could to fully give Mama her attention.

She smiled softly and nodded her head, “I’m fine, Mama, I've never been this better for the past months.” She told, the matter of factly. Because she had told herself not to lie to Mama ever again, it was always not a good thing to do. And she wanted to be free to her and tell her the truth no matter what it would cost her.

Mama smiled and placed her hands on Jalilah’s. “Are you sure you’re only fine because seeing him here every day makes you feel better? Are you sure that if you haven’t seen him for a week or more and know that he has finally given up on you, would you still be better?” She asked, and Jalilah weighed the words in her mind and she softly shuddered. Mama continued when she saw that her words had hit a nerve, it was the right time to finish saying whatever it was that brought her here. “I know I shouldn’t tell you what to do, but I can as well advice you, which doesn’t mean that you should do what I told you to. You have to weigh in with your standards and see if it could benefit you, Jalilah. You’ve had it bad with this man, that no one could doubt. But I believe that’s the life you were destined to leave, at least he is remorseful, he loves you now and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I spoke with him, and he showed me his sincerity which is the only reason why I let him stay. I would’ve asked him to leave long ago. But do you know what else I noticed?” Jalilah softly shook her head because she didn’t like where Mama’s conversation was going.

“I noticed that you still love him, you want to be with him but it’s only out of self-defense that you’re saying no to him and even refusing to meet him. Who knows that it’s for the best? We don’t always meet our soulmates on the smooth path to walk on, it has rifts and holes and it’s often too painful that you want to give it up, but if you hold on a little longer, it will be worth it at last. You know this man long enough for me to tell you that he’s a good man and I'm sure he would have treated you greatly even when he didn’t love you, and now that he loves you, he’d do that carefully as if you were his life.

Ponder over it, maybe go to a park, and have a long walk. Think through if he deserves a second chance from you. But please, don’t force yourself and accept him if that's not what your heart wants, okay? You can speak maturely to him and I'm sure he’d understand that not everything comes with a second chance in life. Some loves have an expiration date, not an abandon and pick it up later label attached to them. Think about yourself first, if he’d make you happy if you still love him enough to accept him back into your life. Take your time, you can’t force yourself to heal, it takes time. And if you feel you need more of it, ask him to give you some space, he’s a gentleman, he’d always understand.”

Jalilah didn’t know what she was thinking but at least she knew that Mama’s words had made her cry. And she pulled Mama into a bear hug while she broke into tears. Mama sensed that she wanted him, but she was afraid, maybe needed some time to set things straight in her mind. And she softly smiled while she patted her back lovingly. “You’ll be fine, Jalilah, okay? Even though your father was one of the most amazing men you'd ever get to meet, even after he died, there were things I wished I had told him. Fights I wished I didn't initiate because I was either so stubborn or I always loved it whenever he kept walking around the house behind me while begging me to forgive him. I always liked it when I annoyed him, and even though I don’t regret annoying him, I wished those times I painted a scowl on his face was a smile instead. Don’t waste your chance, Jalilah. You don't have forever, okay?” Both women ended up making a mess of their cheeks, and Jalilah had never felt as emotional as she felt today. She had to think about it first because she had learnt not to rush things while they were still young.

She was driving them to the park, only her, Ramatu and Fareeda. The two girls that were about the same age were talking softly while she buried her head in her thoughts, but she was fighting her thoughts too. She had to concentrate. And somehow, how they snuck out of the house when they were sure Yazeed and Fareed had gone to the mosque to pray their Asr prayer wanted to crack her up. But her laughter was something she had already given up on hearing since a very long time.

She heard as Fareeda’s phone rang and she picked it up, “Hello? What's it?” She was silent for a moment and through Jalilah’s peripheral view, she saw as she discreetly looked up at her before she muttered, “I'll send a text to you, I've forgotten the pin and I have to check it again.” Maybe it was their result or something school-related, and she eased off because Fareeda had promised her not to tell Fareed where they were.

After they arrived, they were walking around the park while the two girls giggled at one thing or the other and they kept snapping some random picture, Jalilah finally let herself delved into her train of thoughts. She didn't know what to choose, can she go back to Yazeed? Let him back into her life and love him as she had once done before? Was he worth it? Did her love for him mattered and weighed that much for her to accept him back now? She shrugged her shoulder and sighed, closing her eyes to enjoy the burning sensation of the setting sun on her skin. Maybe it wasn’t bad after all. She would miss him for a day or two and after that, she would cry a little and then she could finally open up to Jibril and let him marry her, right?

She was still walking with her eyes closed while she thought about how a life with Jibril would be. Would he make her laugh as Yazeed would? Did she even want to kiss him like she wanted to kiss Yazeed... before she was done with her thoughts, she stumbled upon a stone and staggered back, but before she fell, she felt strong arms wrapped around her waist firmly. She needn’t turn around to know who it was that held her with such firmness of possession, it had happened twice for her to know how it felt by the heart. She felt him tightened his hold on her and when she opened her eyes, she saw those two girls with an inclusion Fareed walking into the zoo. Those kids...she would have known the pin was their location, nothing exam related.

“Let go of me, would you?” She asked through gritted teeth but instead, he placed his head on her shoulder and she felt as he softly released his hold on her waist and brought something out of his pocket.

He spoke softly, “I’ve missed you, Jalilah. And also, I'm so sorry.” Yazeed should better not play this game with her. Why in the whole world would he act as though they were in Abuja, and as he called her to ask her where she was, he had met her there? Then, she didn’t have any memories, but now, she knew the kind of man he was.

“Would you let go of me, Yazeed? What is this?” She tried to snatch herself out of his hold, but he held her firmly and after she stopped trying to get out of his hold, she felt as he hooked what felt like a necklace on her neck. He brought his phone up and smiled at the camera while he snapped a picture of them in the position they were while she had a frown on her face.

He let go of her and she stomped off, but he walked in front of her and blocked her way. “I’m so sorry, Jalilah. Will you please listen to me? Can we go over there and talk? No matter what you decide, I promise I'd respect that even if it’s not what I want, please?” She looked at him with a glare and he begged her again, her eyes being as a puppy as she had ever seen them, he had a pout on his lips. She couldn’t say no to him, at least not when he looked this cute.

They walked over to the bench and Jalilah sat at the far end, he smiled and sat down. It took him minutes before he began to talk, “I’m sorry, Jalilah. I know whatever I say or do will never do justice to what you’re feeling, it wouldn't make what I did vanish from your mind, but I'm truly sorry. And I love you, I love you a lot. I'm so sorry what happened about Khaleefah happened to you, you don’t deserve him, any of us. Because all we do is make you cry and feel so much pain, but I want to rectify for my mistake, please give me the chance to. I want to love you until my last breath, Jalilah. I want you to be my wife, bore my kids and be the person I can always come back home to. Can I be your husband?”

She didn’t know why she was laughing with tears in her eyes, and she palmed her face to hide her tears and laughter from him. She cleared her tears with her thumb and looked into his eyes, he was serious, so much in love and wanted nothing but her. But as much as she wanted to do this, she had to think about herself first. She had to put herself first even if it’s for this time, which will be the first time she would put herself first. “I'm a divorcee, Yazeed, are you sure about your decision?” She asked, and he nodded his head vehemently.

“I am, more than sure. Even though I won’t deny the fact that I want to kill Khaleefah if I have the chance to, he shouldn’t have disrupted your teenage days and I shouldn’t have added more salt to your wounds. But forgive, I want to amend for my mistakes.” She smiled and nodded her head, taking in a huge breath. For the first time in her life, Jalilah knew she shouldn't rush to things, she had to think about this first, as hard as she could. Thinking about the future and figure out whether this would be worth it or not.

“What if I had a child?” She joked, but she wanted to know how serious he was. As in, she was just beating around the bush because she didn’t want to give him her answer yet, she wasn’t sure about it yet. Even though all that Mama had told her today was ringing a bell in her mind, she had to think carefully about it first.

He chuckled and palmed his face, Jalilah would always be Jalilah. Did she think that she could scare him even if she had a child? “I’ve always loved kids, Jalilah. Your child will be mine; I already love him or her in case you had one.”

She looked around the park and sighed, maybe he was serious, or he just wanted to lure her into marrying to ease his guilt feeling. “I don’t have one, just wanted to ask. But serious, Yazeed, I know I've forgiven you, but this isn’t easy for me. I’m scared, it feels as if I accept you back into my life again everything will repeat itself. I'll be broken all over again without being fully healed, I'm scared as hell.”

“As I told you before, ‘If we end up together, Jalilah, I want you to know that I can’t promise you forever. I won’t say it will be happy living for us, but of course, you’re such an amazing human that must squeeze to make us happy. I won’t say I won’t make you cry, Jalilah, I know I will, because loving me hurts, it had always done. Maybe there will be times that you’ll hate me, times when you’ll regret choosing to be with me, but even after you’re in pain I'll act nonchalant, I'm so sorry in advance. I know there are times where I act so happy that you’d think I'm in love with you, which gives you more hope than I should, but I can’t help that, you’re just so amazing and your vibe is contagious that it infects all those around you.

“The journey might be painful for you, for us, for anyone that cares about us, but please, don’t give up on me. You might want to run away at some point, or just block me out of your life because you need love and I couldn’t give it to you, I'm sorry if I’ll ever make you feel that kind of pain, but you don't deserve it. But I'd need to apologize on things that even if you want me to stop doing them, I couldn’t...”

She chuckled and stopped him, tears glistening her eyes. “Okay, I remember those words as though it hadn’t been long since you said them. But won't there be change? Nothing changed from that?” She was hopeful, but she knew at least one or two things had changed. Because he loved her now, and nothing could beat that.

“Of course, things changed. I love you now, and I'm sure I’ll forever love you. I won’t act nonchalant and I won’t want you to hate me ever again, because as much as loving me hurts you, you have no idea what hating me does to me, Jalilah.”

She sighed and placed he head on her thigh, staring at him with half squinted eyes, “Can you give me some time to think, Yazeed? I don’t want to make another mistake again.”

He nodded and smiled widely, “Sure, you can take as long as you want, but I won't leave back to Abuja until I know what your answer is. Forever is a long ride not to be with you.” She wanted to say no to this man, she did. But then like he said, hating him hurt more than loving him did.