47: Painful Reminiscent

The next thing she heard after the door banged when he got out of the room were his last words to her. ‘Because I love you, Jalilah. And I can’t do this to you.’ Why did they feel so heavy? They came to her unexpected and she was shivering so hard because she heard the words? Was something wrong with Yazeed? It looked as if he was going to cry the next minute if he hadn’t walked out of the room. Or rather, stomped out of the room. Her head ached, she was getting images back of him and her in moments that didn’t look peaceful, and she clutched her eyes shut as if that was the only self-defense she knew.

No, she didn’t have to think about this. She could see herself crying, she could see them talking happily. In a place that was neither Abuja nor Adamawa. The only good and not confusing thing were, she danced, and wherever she was, as long as there was ballet, Jalilah knew it was a good thing even though it confused her the most. She didn’t look happy, she looked sad. And then a minute she was happy with him. After it got too intense and the memories were just flooding that she didn’t understand them, she jerked upright on the bed. This wasn’t the right time to think about her memories, even though they were the ones flooding into her mind nonstop. She was emotionally stressed and embarrassed, she had to find a way out.

But having a single sight was proving to be difficult amidst the palpitations of her heart, hoping that all she was seeing wasn’t real and also, she could feel that agony in her chest rising to its highest level. As if all the grief in this world was hers to carry and it was just attached to her memories. She had to find a way to get out of this room, but her body was shaking so hard and she didn’t want to fall and break a bone or two. That would look intentional to him, wouldn’t it?

She roamed her hands around the bedside drawer and luckily, his phone was there. She held it and put the flashlight on, but the image she saw on his lock screen ended her will of fighting her memories back. It was of her and Yazeed, in the kitchen, this kitchen downstairs but they looked happy. They both had a flower stuck into their hair and she was smiling widely while her food still poked in the background. She thought it was a normal thing for a couple to snap a beautiful picture as such, but she was remembering everything that happened on that day.

Slowly, everything was setting back in place, she was getting the puzzle done and it was getting scary with each passing second. What kind of life did she live with Yazeed? Who the hell was Hajia?! She didn’t know when the phone fell from her hand, because everything was just so overwhelming, too painful to be real. Her whole body was shaking vehemently and breathing itself was proving to be a hard task. Just like that, trying to pull herself off from his bed while she shook, her eyes landed on painting, her painting.

There was a strong feeling between her and her painting, it didn’t matter if she would be having amnesia for the rest of her life, but she would always remember what feeling struck her when she saw a certain painting of hers, what happened and why she painted what she did. She took the frame in her shaking hands, tears already dripping down from her eyes, she couldn’t ignore the memories anymore, they were already drowning her, and she didn’t have any strength left. She caressed where she had signed her name ‘Khadija I Fufure’ and as she clutched her eyes shut while her tears spilt through the slits, Jalilah remembered how they lived in Lagos. What were their reason for going there together and everything?

She was crying, so hard because she realized she loved him first. She realized it when it seemed that she had no chance. She seemed not to have all her memories, but she was sure how they came back from Lagos, there was no way she could get married to this man. This man that looked like a total stranger to her, yet she could feel him deep within the roots of her heart. She flung the painting on the bed and scrambled up. She had to get some air, maybe later she would confront Yazeed and he would tell her the remaining things she wasn’t able to remember.

She staggered to the balcony she had always wanted to go but every time she thought about it, one thing or the other took her mind off. That would be the best place to cool her mind off, to sort through this messy memory of hers and figure out if they were all real or not. But they felt so painful not to be real. She cleared her tears but somehow, more tears gushed down, and she knew she had nothing more to do. She would have to spend this whole night crying, she knew.

The moment she entered the balcony, it was as if everything was changed in her. As if her soul was changed with a darker soul and her heart got shattered into bits and pieces. Walking was hard, but she managed to move to where she had seen what looked like a canvas and sat down. No, she didn’t paint this! It was an incomplete painting of the saddest emotion she had ever seen, and like the air, she was breathing right now, everything surged through her at once, she had to break into a wail while she took a hold of her head. Everything was so strong for her, was that how she lived? In anguish and so much in love?

She looked up at the railing of the balcony and the conversation they had come back to her. She heard every word, felt every emotion all over again and now she knew exactly who Jibril was. She couldn’t stay here, she had to meet Yazeed! She wanted him to tell her that her memories were just trying to mess with her emotions, that wasn’t what had happened. She didn’t live that way, didn’t cry every night, and wake the next morning in so much pain. I mean, she didn’t love him that much! That painfully!

She ran out of the balcony while losing control of her tears, but she didn’t mind. All she wanted now was a clarification that it wasn’t real. And even if it was, she wanted him to deny it. He could paint a whole new story to her, and she was certain she would force her to believe it. It would feel safer and happier but this...she was certain she would live with the pain until eternity. Everything she saw in the house now reminded her of something, and just a few out of those memories looked happy and even them, she would be sad afterwards.

She stood in stairs and stared at him in the dining table while he took a sip of his coffee, he looked sad. She rushed down and didn’t move a few feet when he noticed her and lifted his hands, “Don’t even think of coming over here, Jalilah! What part of we can’t do this haven’t you understand?!” He clamored, and she was sure these weren’t the words she heard. It was all the words he had uttered with that tone, with that expression, everything. And right now, she flinched like she did the day Khaleefah came.

The day Khaleefah came...she was slowly slipping into oblivion, but she wanted him to deny her memories. “Yazeed, I’m remembering something. Will you please tell me it’s not real?” She was crying hard now because it was this same living room that broke her beyond repair. She knew if the furniture could speak, they would have been laughing at her for coming back to the man that annihilated her soul.

“I don’t know what you’re remembering, but whatever it is, it’s real! Go ahead, hate me as much as you want, but please don’t force me to take advantage of you!” Whatever it is, it’s real...these weren’t the words she wished to hear. At least not when all the puzzle pieces were making a picture, and the only image she could see there was ‘grief’. She felt a banging on her head as if it was the exact time that car crashed her down, or maybe she fell now too.

But whatever it was, before everything became black, she wished that whenever she was going to wake up, she wouldn’t have to just forget the two years of her life, she wanted to start all over again, her whole life! Because everything was too painful that two years alone wouldn’t be enough for her to heal. She wanted her whole lifetime cleansed. After all, it was such a blessing that she had amnesia before, she wouldn’t have known how to survive with these painful memories.

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Her eyes slowly began to move, but this time, she was sure she wasn’t dead. For the split seconds, those blessed minutes that after you wake up, you’d forget about all your memories, nothing bothered you and you feel like a newborn, she smiled after she woke. But sitting up on the bed, Jalilah felt the splash of everything back onto her heart in such a strong way that she had to place a hand on her chest to feel her heart.

Everything came back to her, even the words she wished she could forever forget. After she scanned the room, she realized she was in her room and when she brought her phone to her fluffy eyes, she saw the date. Had she been sleepy for two days? Was she this sad that she didn’t want to wake up, but she did anyway? She noticed the IV on her left hand and pulled it out, it didn’t hurt as much as her heart now, nothing hurt like her heart.

She had to get out of this place as soon as she could. And she scrambled to her feet even though she wanted nothing but to go back to her bed and sleep until forever. Forever seemed like a short time after all. But she knew she had to do this, she went into her closet and roughly got her things packed while she booked for the next flight to Adamawa. She knew he might be at work now, and she didn’t want to see him even for the last time. She didn’t realize she was crying until she passed across her mirror and the lady that looked back at her was the most heartbroken woman she had ever seen.

Walking down to the stairs, she could feel all the hurtful words he had ever said to her and instead of pain, she felt his hatred sipping through all the cracks and holes he mercilessly carved through her heart. She had never hated anyone in her life, not even Khaleefah, she only resented a person. But for Yazeed, she knew she’d hate him for the rest of her life. She didn’t like the way all the hurtful words he had uttered were coming back to her, it felt so hard and she was afraid if it kept going this way, she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of herself, she would just have to slump on the floor and cry until she couldn’t cry anymore.

But she just couldn’t do that either. They weren’t the only words he had uttered. They were words he made sure he had been uttering ever since she knew him, ever since their first fight. ‘What were you thinking when you did that? Who told you I was in love with you? And for real, even married and having a child with you? How could you even think so low of me? How could I? Of all the girls to love, stoop so low to fall for you?’ She wished she could stop crying, but more quoted words of him kept rushing that she just had to slump on the stairs, she didn’t know anything else to do but cry. ‘Only her pathetic-love searching and attention-seeking self could do that.’ He had always referred to her like that, pathetic, attention-seeking self.

‘who do you think you are to call your pathetic and desperate self as my wife? Do you what it takes to be my wife? The prices you have to pay to call yourself my Mrs.? Don’t you know that you have to be on a certain level of standard for me to consider you as someone worthy of a Mrs. title in my life? How could you degrade me like that? At the same time painting yourself as the cheapest woman on earth. Lying about being married when the man doesn’t even see you worthy of anything valuable in his life?’ She wrapped her hands around her knees that were brought up to her chest, this had got to be the worst thing to happen to her in life. ‘I’ll make this clear to your desperate self, Jalilah. One, I can’t love you, and even if I could, I'd choose not to. Second, even in your wildest dreams, don’t ever dream of getting me as a husband. Because getting that title in my life isn’t cheap, it doesn’t come to any type of a girl, not a cheap girl like you! If you’ll at least stop pushing yourself on me, I was only trying to help you achieve your dream! I don't want a relationship with you! I don’t love you and never would! You can’t be the one I love, you lack all things I want in a spouse, set yourself right and stop dreaming fantasies!’ That she knew that she was sure of, because loving him had only brought her own ruination, never him loving her back.

Even though what he uttered was still fresh in her mind, ‘Because I love you, Jalilah. And I can’t do this to you.’ But she wasn’t happy about it, she knew he either didn’t mean it or he realized it so long. Because she hated him now, so much. It didn’t matter whether he loved her now or don’t, all she had to do was make sure that she got out of this house as soon as she could, even though she was feeling dizzy, she knew she didn’t have the strength to drive herself to the airport, it didn’t matter. And she wouldn’t call Wafiyya because she knew she would tell him about it first.

She had always known that his words were so powerful, but she had never known their intense power until she began to reminisce all the words, he had said to her that night. The night she was certain had brought an end to whatever good she had left of her life. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? The in the whole world didn’t you tell me, Jalilah?! What more else are you hiding to yourself? You have a child, you’re a freaking miserable divorcee desperately looking for a husband in Abuja?! What the freak are you hiding?!’ A freaking miserable divorcee, why was he always so malicious with his words? What had she ever done wrong other than loving him? ‘Are you sure you weren’t his call girl? Maybe he was an ex-boyfriend that you lived together with as though he was a husband? Because all I could tell about you now is, you’re cheap, dumb, and so stupid! He must have gotten tired of your miserable and pathetic self and he chased you out, just like I'm about to do that now!’ Oh Yazeed, had she always been miserable and pathetic to him? She broke into even more painful tears as she clutched onto her chest, it was so painful. Why would this man treat her like this?

‘Do you think that I'd mind if you’re in pain or not? Let me tell you something, Jalilah, I want you to feel this pain. I want to stamp pain in your life that will last you a lifetime. I want you to cry and cringe whenever you remember my name, because Jalilah, is just a foolish and miserable woman walking around the streets looking for men to prey on. I don’t even know the right category to put you in, you’re disgusting me!’ Would this at least be less painful than it was? And guess what? He had stamped this pain so much that she was sure even if she would be incarnated after her death, this sadness, this grief and agony would follow her soul wherever she went to. ‘Do you think this will make me pity you? Look, I want nothing more to do with you ever again in my life. We’ve lived when I didn’t know the true idea of who you are, now, get the freak out of my life and never come back again, okay? I've never loved you to say I hate you, but right now, you disgust me, and I so much despise you to the point that I'm regretting ever spending all those moments with you. I can’t believe I've kissed someone like you!’ She placed her shaking fingers on her lips and her chest reverberated with her tears. “Yazeed, please...” She was crying so much that she was afraid she would run out of tears. But every word he uttered kept coming back to her and they were so painful that she just couldn’t stop crying.

‘Cut the dirt and disgusting words you’re trying to imply on me. It makes me cringe if you say you love me, for real. How could someone like you love me? Why don’t you go over and love someone that’s around your lane? Someone as disgusting and miserable as your pathetic self? Is someone as sympathetic as you are? I don't care whether you love me or not, look, just get the hell out of my house!’ And she would do just what he wanted. She stood up and nearly stumbled but she held herself firm, walking toward the door with pain ripping at every vein holding up her heart while his words rang through her mind as if he was uttering them to her now. ‘You have nowhere to go, how does that have to do with me? And it can be late, look, you can die for all I freaking care, Jalilah! Get the hell out of my house or I'll force the gatemen to take you out, I know he might have been somewhere around here waiting for you, you have all this planned because you want to run away from the marriage, don’t you? I feel like I should thank you for saving me from the bad omen that you are!’ She was aware of Khaleefah’s promise, he promised that he would never let her marry someone apart from him, it had been five years ago, and she thought he had let go of his obsession of her, but she didn’t know that he could turn the mind of someone she trusted. Someone she loved as much as she loved Yazeed.

And he did, just as he said, he asked the gatemen to throw her out, which they perfectly did too. But today, she wouldn’t wait for him to throw her out, she would walk out on her own because she knew there was more to life than loving someone as hard as she loved him. There were more important things to set as her priorities, like healing, even though she was sure it would take her a lifetime to heal. When she stepped out of the door, ‘Call Wafiyya for your things, she will get them delivered to your doorstep, no matter where the hell you are. Don’t even dream of setting your feet into this house again, don’t come over because I'll make sure you’ll regret knowing me your whole life! Now, get out!’ He flung her out of his house, and when she brought up her elbow, the scars were still there. She broke into tears but this time, she rushed to her car and ignited it to life. And like he had suggested, even though she wouldn’t call Wafiyya for her things, her family would make sure to evacuate every single evidence of her staying in this house.

With one more glance at the house, she honked at the gateman and drove out of the house in such a speed that it scared her to life. She wanted to get away from him as fast as she could. Yazeed didn't deserve someone like her. There was more to life than loving someone as ungrateful as he was. And even though she knew hating him would be more painful than loving him was, she would gladly do that for the rest of her life. When she met Jibril in the airport boarding his plane to Lagos, she knew it might be Allah’s way of telling that she might start all over again. Maybe not now, not in years to come, but she would if she wanted to.