Chapter 92 Chapter 92
I woke to emptiness and quietness. Not the peaceful kind but the kind that rang in my ears, heavy and hollow. Like the space left behind after something has been torn away. I laid on my side, staring at the wall. Through out the night, I fell in and out of sleep thinking about the events in the last 24 hours and I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.
The light entering the room was pale, as if it was mid-day. My body ached in a dull way, centered low in my abdomen. It wasn’t sharp anymore, it was just there. A reminder. Lucian sat at the edge of the bed. I hadn’t heard him move, I hadn’t heard anything at all.
“Ailsa” he said softly but I didn’t answer.
I could feel him watching me. I could feel the weight of his concern pressing against my skin. He reached out and brushed his thumb against my knuckles.
“You haven’t said a word since yesterday. Please talk to me” he murmured. My eyes flickered to his hand and back to the wall.
Inside me, everything was loud. Too loud. My thoughts and my wolf stirred weakly, a low whine curling through my chest. She was exhausted and hurt just like me. I curled into myself because I didn’t want to engage with the world anymore.
“Ailsa….Please” Lucian tried again, firmer now, fear edging his voice. I swallowed my throat burned.
I didn’t want to speak with Lucian or anybody but I knew he was not going to leave here until I engaged him in a conversation.
“W-what do you want me to say?” I said finally, my voice was hoarse and sounded unfamiliar to me.
“Something. Anything” he said pleasingly.
“Where was I found?”
Lucian froze. I felt it, not through his touch but through the bond, the sudden spike of tension that cut through the fog around me.
“What?” He asked carefully.
“When I collapsed. Where was I?” I clarified.
There it was, that feeling again. It was not a thought but memory and instinct. A pressure beneath my heart that refused to quiet no matter how much I told myself I was being irrational. Lucian hesitated. It was only a second but I saw it.
“Aiden said he found you at the bottom of the stairs” he said gently.
Something coiled in my stomach. The image came again, me standing at the top of the stairs and someone stretched out their hand pushing me. The last thing I remember was Elara’s smiling face. My fingers curled into the blanket.
“I can’t really remember how I was there. I keep trying to remember what brought me there but my memory is blurred” I whispered more to myself than him. Lucian leaned closer.
“Don’t force yourself to remember, Ailsa. The healer said….”
“I know what the healer said” my voice came out flat, holding no emotion.
I turned my head then, finally looking at him. His face was drawn, dark circles under his eyes, his jaw tightened with restraint. He looked like a man barely trying to hold himself together.
“I just wanted to know. That’s all”
“I don’t want you to shut me out. You’re pushing me away. Let me comfort you” he looked at my eyes as if searching for something, anger or blame.
Did I blame him?
I couldn’t answer that question right now. I was feeling a lot of things at this moment and I just want to be alone. I want to hide in a box and never show my face to the world. And so, I turned around to keep staring at the wall. I heard his sigh and I heard a shuffling and then the door. I squeezed my eyes shut. I was alone now and the tears started rolling again.
Time passed by and I remained at that same position, my stomach rumbled but I did nothing to stop it. I heard the door opening and for a moment I thought Lucian was back. But then, I heard the sound of a tray being placed on the table. Then Lina was beside my bed. Her eyes were red, her lashes clumped together like she had been crying.
“I brought soup. The healer said it might help” her voice was so low.
“I’m not hungry” I said despite the protest of my stomach.
“You need to eat to regain your energy. If I have to force you to eat then I will”
“Did Lucian send you?”
“Yes. You were not speaking to him and he thought it would be better if I came here. So I want you to stand up and come eat or else I’m not leaving here” her voice was firmer now.
I watched her arrange everything carefully, despite her hands trembling. I wanted to ask her about it but I remained silent.
“It’s set now”
“You don’t have to stay. I can take it from here” I wanted to dismiss her but Lina was not having it.
“I want to”
“I know but you don’t have to. I’m telling you to go” Lina reached for hand.
“I’m so sorry. I should have been with you. I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard it. I should have…” I gently pulled my hand back. The movement wasn’t sharp or angry. It was distant.
“I don’t want any comfort” I said quietly. Lina’s face fell. She was hurting from my rejection.
“Ailsa…”
“Please”
The word landed heavier making the air think with tension. She nodded slowly, blinking back tears.
“At least eat a little. Just so you’ll have enough strength, you look pale” I glanced at the tray. My stomach rolled with hunger but I turned away in revulsion.
How can I eat when I couldn’t protect my child?
“No”
I laid back and turned my face towards the window. Lina stayed a few moments longer, maybe waiting for something to change. It didn’t. I heard sniffing before I heard the door closed and the silence rushed back in.
By afternoon, I was sitting up in bed when there was a knock. I was too weak to give an answer and so the person opened the door. Aiden stood awkwardly at the door, his big frame filled the door. He cleared his throat.
“Thought I’d check on you. Lucian’s worried sick” I didn’t look at him.
I scoffed. Lucian was now sending people to check on me. Did he think I was going to talk to any of them?
“You don’t have to talk. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone” he added quickly. I still remained silent.
“You have Lucian, Lina and I, even the whole pack. We all love you. I know nobody understands how you feel but we are here to help you pass through this phase” my lips parted.
“I am alone” I said.
“No, don’t say that. You aren’t alone. You have Lucian by your side. He loves you and cares about you”
On any other day, I would have loved to hear those words but today I didn’t feel like.
“Was there anyone there?” His brows raised in confusion
“What?”
“When you found me bleeding, was there anyone else around?”
“No. I was on my way to your room to see you when I met you at the foot of the stairs”
“I want to be alone”
“If you need anything, just call me” with that he turned and left.
Later, when some servants came to change the sheets, I sent them away. I cried out loudly in the middle of the room until there was no tears left in me. I sat back on the bed, staring into space, my chest ached with a pain that had no release. Everything inside me shut down, my wolf curled deeper into silence.
That night, Lucian climbed into the bed beside me. He moved carefully as though approaching a wounded person. His arms slid around my waist. I didn’t pull away and also didn’t lean into him. I welcomed his touch, that was the only comfort I could take.
He pressed a kiss to my shoulder. Then another. His hand brushed my stomach lightly.
“Ailsa, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could take this pain away from you. I’d do it in a heartbeat. I blame myself for this, I shouldn’t have gone for the Alpha’s meeting and maybe nothing would have happened to you. We both lost a child so let’s grieve together, don’t shut me out. I can’t stand it when you won’t even look at me or talk to me” he sounded like an animal in pain. A lone tear slipped from my eye.
I knew he was grieving too but I just couldn’t seem to let anybody in. His fingers tightened slightly, seeking reassurance but I remained still. Not rejecting or accepting.
“I’m never leaving you alone even if you don’t want to speak to me” he kissed my shoulders.
He held me tightly before exhaustion took over making me give in to the darkness. I heard something like….
I love you.