Chapter 91 Chapter 91
AILSA’S POV
My eyes fluttered, I already felt something was wrong but I didn’t open my eyes immediately. The air felt unfamiliar and heavier somehow, as if the room itself had shifted while I slept. The scents wasn’t mine. Not my room or my bed.
I opened my eyes slowly, my eyes adjusting to the light. It was white. And then I realized I was staring at the ceiling. I knew immediately I wasn’t in my room. The smell of dried herbs hit my nose. I was in the healers quarters, I realized but why was I here?
My breath hitched. Before panic could take hold, I felt warmth at my side, the one that I loved to wake up too. The warmth that anchored me even as fear crawled up my spine.
Lucian.
But why was he here? He was supposed to be at the Alpha’s meeting.
He was sitting beside the bed, his forearms braced on his thighs, his hands clasped together so tightly that his knuckles were white. His head bowed, dark hair falling forward and for a moment he didn’t notice I was awake. I had never seen him like this. My head ached and my vision was blurry.
“L-Lucian” I whispered softly and his head snapped up instantly.
The relief in his eyes was so evident that it stole my breath. He was on his feet in a second, leaning over me, one of his large hand hovering near my face as if he was afraid to touch me too hard as if I might break. A sad smile spread across his face.
“You’re awake” he said hoarsely. For a moment, I noticed the redness in his eyes like he had been crying.
“Thank the Goddess” he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. I frowned, confusion marring on my face.
“Why…why am I here? Why are you here?” I asked.
That was when I felt it. The ache low in my abdomen, it was dull and persistent. Not sharp but deep enough that it felt like something had been pulled out of me and left me sore. My hand drifted down instinctively. Lucian caught my wrist gently but firmly.
“Ailsa…” he said, his voice breaking as he called my name. Something cold settled in my chest the way he called my name.
“What happened?” I asked, already afraid of the answer I’d get. Had I broken my legs and won’t be able to walk again. Or has I been stabbed? His jaw clenched and he swallowed once, then twice.
“You collapsed” he said softly.
Collapsed? I was just taking a walk, how did I collapse?
“And?” He hesitated before speaking.
“The healer said….there was bleeding. You were brought here immediately” my heart began to pound. Did I loose so much blood that I couldn’t remember anything? I noticed Lucian was looking everywhere except into my eyes.
“And?” I pressed again. His eyes met mine and I saw the distress in them. He closed his mouth like he didn’t want to let me know.
“You were pregnant”
The world seemed to stop right then. For a moment, everything was silent. I could not hear or smell anything, the only thing I could hear was the ringing in my ear. That single word echoed inside my head repeatedly.
Pregnant.
“I…” my voice cracked. “What?”
“You were carrying a pup” he said barely above a whisper.
“Our pup” his voice cracked.
The ache in my abdomen suddenly made sense. And so did the emptiness. I rather had broken my leg than to hear this devastating news.
“No” I breathed. “No, that’s not….I would have known” Lucian’s thumb brushed over my wrist, his touch was very gentle and comforting but I didn’t want to be comforted.
“The healer said it was in its early stage and thats why you didn’t know” I shook my head slowly, denial clawing its way up my throat.
“I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t sense…”
“It’s not your fault. You’ve had too much weighing on you. Your body must have been under strain” I closed my eyes. My chest tightened.
“I lost it” I whispered.
Now, I would never get to know what my baby looked like. Would it have been a girl or boy?
I opened my eyes and Lucian’s eyes darkened, grief flickered across it.
“Yes”
I turned my face away from him, a sob tearing free before I could stop it. My shoulders shook as the realization hit. I had been carrying a life. Another little wolf. And I didn’t even know.
“I couldn’t protect them. I didn’t even know they were there” I choked. Lucian leaned down, his forehead pressing to my temple, his breath unsteady.
“This is not your fault”
“It is. My body failed. I failed to protect our child” I said fiercely, tears streaming down my face.
My wolf stirred then, restless and her presence curling around my heart. She was to be blamed too.
“We didn’t know. We were distracted and watching for threats” I squeezed my hand.
Elara.
Her face flashed through my mind. I hadn’t been listening to my body. I had been so focused on watching her movements.
I heard the door opening and I opened my eyes, Maeve entered quietly, as if she had been waiting for this moment. Her movements were slow and controlled, her eyes soft. Lucian straightened but didn’t move away from me.
“Shes awake” he said.
“I see. How are you child?” Maeve asked, approaching the bed.
“Hollow” I said truthfully. She nodded as if that was the answer she expected.
“That will pass, not quickly but it will” I laughed weakly.
“You sound certain”
“I am. I’ve seen this many times” she said. Her words made something twist painfully inside me.
“Sometimes, the body is not ready. Miscarriage is common in the first trimester of pregnancy. It doesn’t make you at fault for not knowing a child was growing in you” I squeezed my eyes shut.
“You are strong and still young. You’ll have more children” I shook my head.
“I’m not strong” I whispered, opening my eyes. She met my gaze squarely.
“You survived. Thankfully, Aiden got you here quickly”
She placed a hand over my abdomen, murmuring softly, warmth spreading through me not healing but easing.
“You will conceive again. Your body is capable. This loss does not define you. You’ll let you body heal before you start trying again”
It didn’t feel that way. I didn’t even want to try again.
“What kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t know I was going to have a baby? If I couldn’t protect my own child” the tears flowed down my cheeks. Lucian’s hands tightened around mine.
“You will stop blaming yourself” his voice was firm yet broken. I looked at him sharply.
“Don’t tell me how to grieve” his jaw flexed but he didn’t argue. He just stayed.
“Don’t over stress yourself, child” Maeve said.
The healer gave me something to drink later, a bitter concoction that dulled the pain I was feeling. I drifted in and out of sleep as the day stretched on. Kael never left. Every time I closed and opened my eyes, he was there.
He spoke softly, sometimes about everything, the pack, the weather but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Words felt useless. I wanted to ask him how the meeting went and how he came back earlier than he was supposed to but the words never left my mouth.
By evening, Maeve declared me stable enough to leave.
“Have plenty rest and do not push yourself” she instructed. I nodded mutely.
Lucian helped me back to our room guiding me as if I was made of glass. He tried to make light conversations asking me how I was feeling it what I wanted to eat but I stayed silent, I curled on the bed and faced the wall.
“Don’t shut me out, Ailsa” Lucian whispered almost frustrated but I still remained mute.
“I’ll be here if you need anything”
The moment he left to speak with a guard, I burst into tears. I cried until there were no tears left in my eyes. I replayed the previous day in my mind.
The courtyard.
Elara’s voice. Her eyes.
Had she touched me? Had she brushed past me?
A chill slid down my spine.
‘Careful’ my wolf warned softly.
But the thought had already taken place. Elara had been the last thing I remembered before everything went dark. And suddenly, the loss didn’t feel like an accident anymore.
I curled into myself, pressing a hand to my abdomen where a life had briefly existed and where now there was only emptiness.
I’m sorry. I whispered.
Lucian returned and wrapped his arms around me protectively.
“I’ll always be by your side” he said quietly.
I didn’t answer. I closed my eyes. Because somewhere deep inside me, beneath the grief and pain, a new fear had taken place. And it whispered a terrifying question.
What if I had been pushed?