Disassociation

Disassociation
Raelynn's POV

I learned about disassociation when I was young.

I’m an old pro at it.

Years of practice make it easy to step away from reality for a little while and into a place where sounds are muffled and everything is out of focus. A place where your mind has drifted so far, you can’t think.

I know I’m in Kieran’s arms. The scent of his minty body wash was what I chose to cling to instead of the scent of….. I blink slowly, forcing myself away from that thought, but nothing seems to come into focus. The dark, gray walls move in a shadowy blur while a faint ringing lingers in the background, muffled too.

A flash of light startles me, and I feel my body shifting. I blink again, but this time, the bright white subway tile that lines Kieran’s shower comes into view instead of the haze I wanted…. No, needed.

“Rae,” Kieran whispers, my head slowly swiveling towards his voice.

My bottom lip quivers when I see the ocean blue of his eyes. They look tired, almost bruised underneath, but they’re open.

I don’t realize I’m crying until Kieran’s thumbs drag through the wet trails along my cheeks. He holds my gaze, his eyes softening before his arms wrap around my body. The moment my face presses to his chest, a sob tears through my chest.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, baby,” Kieran’s voice is raspy and deeper than usual. One of his hands moves up, tangling in my hair, and pulling me tighter against his chest.

I can’t stop the tidal wave of emotion that washes over me. The terror of not knowing whether Kieran was going to live. The agony of realizing that I had no other choice than to take another person’s life. The relief now that Kieran is here… Alive and holding me. But beneath it all, I’m angry that Kieran has been self-medicating… That he’s turned into an addict just to escape his feelings for me.

It feels selfish to be angry at him, but I can’t help it.

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me you needed me to leave you alone?” I tried to push at Kieran’s chest, but he refused to release his hold on me.

“Key, stop,” I tried again, but he hugged me tighter, “Just….” He sounded so broken and small. My arms slowly snaked around Kieran’s back as I gave up the fight.

It’s not worth it anyway.

What point is there to being mad?

Kieran began to pull away, hesitating for a moment before stepping back to look into my eyes, but I found myself back in a state of disassociation. It’s too difficult to remain in the present right now.

He wordlessly steps over to the shower, adjusting the temperature. The water falls in a rain-like pattern. I watch as Kieran checks the temperature, and the haze in my eyes clears immediately as they lock on the pink water cascading down the drain.

“I killed a man.”

Kieran’s spine stiffens, but he doesn’t turn around.

“You saved our lives,” the words come out slow, measured. He was trying to lessen the blow with sugar coated lies.

I push away from the vanity, spinning around, and facing the steam-fogged mirror.

“Rae, you don’t have to look,” Kieran tried, but I reached out, swiping at the glass.

I don’t recognize myself. Puffy, red eyes, messy hair… A mans internal organs and blood splattered across my face.

The next twenty minutes are a blur. I feel Kieran tug off my clothes. Hot water hits my skin. His fingers move over my body carefully, as though he was handling a porcelain doll. The door closes with a slam, but then a shirt is pulled over my head.

It does little to cover me, and even less when my damp hair begins dripping down the front.

I’m too far gone to care.

Malcom’s on the phone while my head is pressed against the cool glass of a car window. Outside, the city of Clemson fades away, and the sun appears to be finally making its way over the horizon.

I killed a man.

I blink, and for a moment, I hear Kieran and Malcom’s hushed whispers. I’d tell them it wouldn’t matter what they say right now, but I can’t find the strength.

It’s cold in the car, maybe even colder outside. Goosebumps spread across my skin. I hear the distant sound of my teeth chattering.

I killed a man.

There are trees outside, or maybe they’re fields. All I’m sure of is the endless green that flashes past the window.

It’s gotten warmer in here.

My eyelids flutter and the goosebumps fade.

I’ve been awake now for nearly twenty-four hours.

I killed a man.

I don’t know how much time passed, my eyes flying open when the car comes to a stop.

“Sorry,” Malcom mutters, “Mud.”

His gray eyes widen when they lock on mine in the back seat.

Kieran climbs out of the car, coming around to the back, and leaning down, “Do you want to walk?”

His eyes are like the ocean. I cling to them, nodding slowly.

He outstretches a hand, and I find myself glancing around as I step out of the backseat.

There’s a small cabin in front of me, hidden deep within the woods. My eyes follow a narrow, dirt path that disappears into the thick line of trees behind us, likely the only real way in or out given the density of the foliage.

Kieran’s hand presses gently to the small of my back, “This is something my father can’t touch,” he whispers, guiding me towards the door that Malcom holds open. “You’ll be safe here, and Mal is going to pick Cae up and bring him here too.”

My God, in the midst of this mess I’d entirely forgotten about Cae.

“Raelynn,” Kieran’s voice is stern, “He’s fine. I’ve got eyes on him. Don’t worry.”

He turns towards Malcom, “I’ll meet you out here in a few.”

“Take your time,” he waves him off. “I’ll…” there’s a pause, before he clears his throat, “Grab some wood for a fire.”

Kieran leads me down a dark hallway to a room at the very end, his fingers interlocking with mine as he drags me through the darkness. He flips on a lamp, letting go of my hand, and nervously rubbing the back of his neck, “I fucked up tonight, Rae,” he whispers, looking down at his feet.

I remain silent, unsure of what to say.

“Please, talk to me. Anything. I don’t care if all you want to do is fuckin’ yell at me, just… Your silence is killing me,” he pleads.

“Will you stop using?” I don’t know why it’s the first thing out of my mouth. “Even if I have to leave. If I never see you again…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “It’s not worth it. I was scared, Key. Terrified that you were going to die on me.”

A hiccup creates a dull ache in my chest, reminding me that I’m still alive.

“Please, just…. Love yourself enough to stay, Key,” my voice sounds broken.

His eyes widen for a fraction of a second before he lets out a shuddering breath, “I can’t promise you anything,” Kieran steps closer, his fingers reaching across the distance to ghost my own.

The heat of his skin draws me to him, and my fingers tangle with his. He’s warm. Alive.

Alive. Alive. Alive.

“You saved my life tonight, Bambi,” he’s somehow even closer than before. “I’m so proud of you.”

That’s the second time he’s said that tonight.

“I would do anything for you.”

My own eyes widen at the confession, but Kieran smoothly glosses over it, the tiniest hint of a smirk pulling on his lips, “Then climb your butt into that bed and get some rest. You need it.”

I crawl into the bed, but it doesn’t smell like Kieran.

The burning scent of gunpowder. A flash. Blood.

“Would you stay until I fall asleep?” I whisper, feeling the panic creeping back in.

Kieran answers me by moving to the opposite side of the bed.

The mattress dips beneath his weight, “Will you be okay if I leave while you’re sleeping?” his arm tugs me against his chest, and the scent of his minty body wash almost immediately calms my racing heart.

I want to be selfish again and say no. Even if I didn’t wake up in a panic, I’d still want him there, holding me, keeping me safe.

“Of course,” I lie, feeling the brush of his lips against my temple.

The weight of the day has my body sagging against the mattress in seconds, eyelids fluttering and heavy.

“I’ll make them fuckin’ pay,” Kieran whispers, the sound barely breaking through my sleepy haze. “Anyone who hurts you…..”