Chapter Fifteen

The pub is the most annoying place for Kieran. The earsplitting sounds, disgusting laughter, faces, and steps of the dancers who dance on the dancefloor. Crowded. He hates everything, scent and rattles of ice cubes swirled inside an apparent glass by the guy who was in his bartending spot. Pero wala na siyang mapagpilian kanina. Coffee isn’t good for a broken-hearted. Kailangan niya ng pampahid sa sakit na tumutupok sa buong pagkatao niya.

Though the place was filled with much mirth and in a jovial mood, Kieran feels he was alone. Everyone seems to mind their own business, like him, he gulped his whiskey. How many volumes of alcohol does it take to forget Hardin, or there’s no chance to forget him that even in his deep inebriation, he still thinking of him and call Hardin’s name? He wants to miss a split second to forget what was happening that day. He wants to drown himself in a deep inebriation to imbed in oblivion what he was he found and read in a white paper.

Gusto niyang pansamantalang kalimutan ang mga iyon kahit kinabukasan ay muli niyang maalala na umaalis na pala si Hardin at iniwan siya nito. But why his mind is stubborn and every single seconds, it forced him to think of Hardin. It was today supposedly the happiest in his entire life since it was their first month in love and it turns out to be a day of mourn for him.

His invisible wound ached and left a terrible pain in his entire being. Hardin’s absence cut too deep in his heart. What did he expected? feeling okay after Hardin leaves him behind and promises that Hardin come back and find Kieran after six years? Why Hardin giving up so easily? Six years is a long time to wait. Promises are sometimes meant to be broken. Babalik naman sa umpisa ang kuwento ng buhay niya.

What was wrong? Gano’n na ba siya kadaling iwan? Hindi niya naiintindihan kung bakit umalis si Hardin. He suspected his dad, maaring ito ang nasa likod ng pag-alis ni Hardin sa Bangkok. But he wasn’t sure kung aalis talaga ito sa Bangkok, and even to Ayne and Pharm ay hindi ito nagpaalam ng personal. Dahil bago siya tumungo sa pub na iyon kanina ay tinawagan niya sina Ayne at si Pharm, he asked them kung nagpa-alam si Hardin sa mga ito. Yumuko siya and clenched his teeth. He wants to scream and let out his disappointments.

Pakiramdam niya ay may matalim na kutsilyong humiwa sa tumitibok pa niyang puso. Enough. He can’t take it anymore. Ayaw niyang humagulgol siya sa lugar na iyon at sambit ang pangalan ni Hardin. Pero hinayaan lamang niya ang mga luhang nagsisi-unang pumatak. Para siyang nauupos na kandilang naka-upo sa counter. Alangan namang sa mesa siya umuupo, mas lalong kawawa siya pag gano’n.

Waiting, waiting, that word thundered repeatedly inside his head. It was year 2010 and since Hardin promised that he’ll return six years later and search for Kieran again, then he imagined what was exactly do year 2016 looks like. Is it different from the present year, where people cannot respect, and tolerate gay like him, and condemned two men in love.

Iniisip niya na bakasakali ay may magbago sa anim na taon. And when Hardin return, people might learn to accepts and tolerate two men in relationship, pero hindi ba ang pagtanggap sa kasarian niya at ang relasyon nila ni Hardin ay hindi nakadepende sa panahon? Konserbatibo pa ang panahon, pero konserbatibo man o moderno ay hindi nakadepende roon upang tanggapin o salangsangin ang pagtanggap sa isang tao. Hindi kailanman nakadepende sa panahon. Nasa puso iyon.

Kaya ba niya ang maghintay ng anim na taon na ayon sa sulat ni Hardin? Waiting and beginning feels like torture. He shook his head at lagukin muli ang whiskey niya. Hindi niya alam kung naka-ilang order na siya. Walo o sampu, ay hindi na niya matandaan. He began to feels dizzy spells, but he wasn’t effin care. Hindi na niya iniisip kung paano makauwi. He wasn’t thinking of going home. He wanted to sleep forever. His cellphone vibrated. He immediately checked it. Pharm sends him a message, nagtatanong kung nasaan daw siya.

He just shrugged and thrusts the cellphone again inside his pocket. He can’t reply Pharm, it’s too much for Pharm kung sasabihin niya ang mabigat niyang pakiramdam at ang sakit na kanyang nararamdaman. Apologetic ang tinging ibinigay sa kanya ng bartender nang muli siyang um-order pa ng alak.

Nakaguhit marahil sa buong mukha niya ang matinding lungkot, pero mas malala pa ro’n ang sakit na nasa kanyang dibdib. Kaya nga siya umiinom nang umiinom nang maraming alak dahil gusto niya nang mahimbing na tulog, sa boses lang kasi ni Hardin siya sanay makatulog nang mahimbing.

This was the beginning of his new life. It has to be accepted na wala na si Hardin. That word na ‘aalis na ito’ must be uppercase para sagad sa kanyang damdamin. Hindi na niya ito maka-usap, hindi na niya masilayan ang guwapong mukha nito, hindi na niya marinig ang boses nito, hindi na niya maramdaman ang higpit ng yakap nito. That was the kind of life he had now, tomorrow and in six years.

Mainit ang likido ng mga butil ng mga luha niyang dumaloy mula sa kanyang mga mata. Pakiramdam niya ay mababaliw siya. Enough. He can’t take it anymore. Muli siyang um-order ng limang baso ng whiskey, para bang labag sa kalooban ng bartender na ibigay iyon sa kanya. Inubos niya ang limang basong iyon, binayaran at tumayo na siya, pero pagtayo niya ay nakaramdam siya nang matinding pagkahilo.

Gumigiwang ang katawan niyang bumagsak sa sahig. Nang nagdilat siya ng mga mata ay sumasayaw ang mga ilaw sa kanyang paningin na siyang mas lalong nagpapahilo sa kanya. He closed his eyes slowly, and that moment a familiar scent taunting his nostril. That familiarity, the gentleness of that touch, that soothing voice. The crowded pub slowly for him became a void space, like a midst of nothingness, and that scent overpowered his sense.

Was it exactly the moment he fell depth in his deep emotions. Or perhaps his dream, and when he wake up, he will realize that scent is just a nightmare of his memories with Hardin. In the end it just prickle him like how he felt when alcohol hasn’t run yet in his veins. Isang ngiti ang nakaguhit sa kanyang mga labi bago siya nawalan ng malay. Ang ngiting iyon ay hindi mo mawari kung mapakla ba o isang kasiyahan.

HE heard a voice calling his name like his brother, Arthit, but it was different. That was the voice he wished to hear everyday in his life. Pero wala na ito, umaalis na ito. The familiarity, everything about Hardin, slowly his memories let him feel it, painfully, depressing even. Why he feels like he ought to look at the wave of his memories, it feels like it shows in a big screen so that the pain hits him the worst. And perhaps in years he will be accustomed to watch his memories and reread the letter left by Hardin.

And if he can’t, then this nightmare and that voice calling his name will repeat again and again, it’ll crept terror in his entire being. The thought of accepting the fate is obviously fail. His eyes, and that bitter water coming from them, is enough to lesser his pain whenever he feels like he lost in a deep darkness of his sadness? As everyone said that only way to lessen pain is crying, but six years of crying, his eyes might sear.

He heard that voice again calling his name, the familiarity again invading every part of him. He wanted to opened his wet eyes but because of the thought that he was in his deep nightmare, ay mas mabuting hindi na lang siya gumising, even if he wake up, masasaktan lang siya na isang bangungot lang iyon ng mga alaala niya kay Hardin.

Kieran felt a kiss, soft and tender. Was it a nightmare, dream, or a real and he need to immediately wake up? Sana nga totoo ang lahat, at ang boses na tumawag sa kanya kanina ay totoo, at itong humalik sa kanya, hoping it was real. Mas lalong namamasa ang bawat sulok ng mga mata niya at dumaloy iyon sa kanyang mga pisngi.

He felt a hand that gently wipe his cheeks. He felt a deep and a warmth breath embrace his gallant visage. Why it feels lovely, that scent again, even if he’s blindfolded or blind for real, kahit sa pamamagitan ng bangong iyon ay maalala o makilala niya ang lalaking pinakamahal niya. Same scent seven years ago when he met him in Rama VIII bridge.

May butil ng luhang tumulo sa pisngi niya. Saan ba iyon galing? Siguro ay kailangan na niyang magdilat ng mga maya. Malabong mukha ni Hardin ang sumalubong sa kanyang mga mata nang pagdilat niya. He wiped his wet cheeks again and rubbed his eyes. Hardin nga...

Ano’ng ginagawa mo rito? Hindi ba’t umaalis ka na? Iniwan mo ako? Panaginip ba ito? Mga gusto niyang sambitin ngunit hindi niya maisantinig. It feels unreal, o baka ang paggising niya ay isa ring panaginip.

He can’t tell what exactly he feels. He smiled slightly, that smile tinted confusion. He has a series of questions pounding inside his head. Bahagyang iangat niya ang isang kamay at haplusin ang pisngi ni Hardin. Hardin held Kieran’s hand and guide it to his chest, there Kieran feels Hardin’s heart beating rhythmically. That rhythm, Kieran heard it thousand times, it brings a joyous feelings whenever he listen to it. His confusion slowly fades away.

At nang siilin siya ni Hardin ng halik sa kanyang mga labi ay nakumpirma niyang hindi nga panaginip iyon. But why? How it happened? He remembered that he was in Siam’s Night Life Pub, drinking and he was over drunk, natumba at may lumapit sa kanya para tulungan siya. Snapped. Hanggang doon lang ang naalala niya. And.. Inilibot niya ang kanyang mga tingin sa loob ng silid na kinaroroonan niya. This is.. Hardin’s room. Umawang ang mga labi niya.

Bumangon siya. Wala pa ring salitang lumabas sa kanyang bibig. He thought it was impossible. But he has to listen kung may nais mang sasabihin si Hardin, hinihintay niya iyon. Ikinulong nito ang kanyang mukha sa mga palad nito. Mainit, and Kieran could see a color of love written in both beautiful eyes of Hardin. Parang nababasa nito kung ano ang nasa kanyang isipan, na nagtatanong kung paanong narito pa ito and how come that he was in Hardin’s room.

“I followed you last night...” Huminto muna ito, napatingin sa suot ni Kieran na necklace, napangiti. “Wow, it suits you the best. Gusto mo ba?” he was referring with the necklace he gave Kieran that he left in the small box yesterday.

He nodded.

Inalis nito ang mga palad na nagkulong ng kanyang mukha. Tumabi ito sa kanya at ipinahiga siya nito sa mga hita nito at ginulo ang kanyang buhok animo ay sinusuklay nito ng mga daliri nito ang kanyang buhok. He heaved. “Kinausap ako ng Daddy mo na iiwan daw kita. Pero alam mo kung ano ang ginagawa ko? Umiiyak, I begged him if ever he allowed me to love you and accept us, pero mukhang imposible dahil...” Hardin stopped at tumingala ito sa kisame para kontrolin ang umiinit na sulok ng mga mata nito. “Dahil mas pipiliin ng Daddy mo ang makinig sa opinyon ng ibang tao, hindi gaano ang lalim ng poot sayo ng Daddy mo. I explained that I’m sincere sayo. Pero hindi nakikinig ang Daddy mo. Kaya... Iniisip kong lumayo.” Tumawa muna ito nang mapakla. “Six years... biglaan ang desisyong iyon na aalis ako at babalik pagkatapos ng anim na taon.

“Pagkatpos kong ihanda ang lahat ng sorpresang nakita mo dito mismo sa loob ng silid na ito ay umaalis ako ni isang damit ay wala akong dala, my feet bring me in Pattaya, at nang bumalik ako rito ay nakita kitang nakatulog. Iniisip kong hinihintay mo ako. I realized that I can’t leave you alone and that what I have seen to witness yesterday is worst when I leave and return after six years.. Now I’m here to... to bid goodbye personally..”

Kieran felt as if a thousand needles had been inserted into him, to his heart at once. Nagbalik para mag-paalam ng personal si Hardin? Isa-isang muling pumatak ang butil ng kanyang mga luha. Bakit? Bakit pa ito bumabalik kung muli namang aalis ito? Wala na siyang masabi pa. He was devastated and frenzied.

“Nagbibiro lang ako.” Bahagyang yumuko ito para siilin ng halik ang mga labi. Tinuyo nito ang basang mga pisngi ni Kieran sa pamamagitan ng halik at palad nito. Nang umupo na ito nang tuwid ay ngumiti ito. “Don’t cry...” Saway ni Hardin pero ang totoo ay umiiyak din ito.

“Please!” aniya sa garalgal na boses. “Don’t leave me I knew it sounds selfish, but Hardin I feel that I can’t leave without you. Wala akong kakampi kundi ikaw lamang.”

“No,” he said and wipe his own wet cheeks. “I won’t disappear again. I will always stay right next to you.”

“What about those six years? Did you promised to Dad that you’re really leaving and renounce me?” he stated.

“Six years is just an excuse for me to escape your Dad stare’s, I can’t stand to see your Dad again.” He laughed. “But to renounce you even to say it as a jokes? No never, it won’t happened.”

Bumangon siya para salubungin ang mga mata ni Hardin. “Tell me what was in your mind? Running away? Like Romeo taking Romeo away? Please if there’s no any option, I’m begging you, me and you ran away...” He implored.

Tumawa ito nang mahina. “Baby, that can’t be applied in the situation, your Dad kills us both.”

“Then, tell me, what should I do, I mean ‘we’?”

Hardin smiled and caress Kieran’s cheeks. “Beg your Dad, he is the only problem here, my family accepts me and my relationship with you. Now, you have to work to, ask him if he can accept us, if he can’t give him time.”

Kieran swallowed repeatedly. It seems impossible for his dad to accept them, Mr. Pornthip cannot tolerate Kieran’s sexual orientation and his dad more effed up with his relationship with Hardin. Ilang minuto siyang walang imik at parang narinig niya ang nagsusumamong tinig ni Hardin.

Hardin’s eyes still pleading. “Go home and behave, magpakabait ka. I’m here always waiting for you... And if you miss me feel home to call me, baby.”

Tumango siya bilang tugon sa sabi ni Hardin. Niyakap siya nito na buong puso niyang tinanggap at gumanti siya ng yakap. Kieran smiled solemnly when Hardin releases him from his embrace.

“But for now...” May maliit na ngiting nakaguhit sa isang sulok ng labi nito. “Give me a reward... Hmmmm..” Nakatingin ito sa mga labi niya at bumaba sa harapan niya. “Three days kitang hindi nakita, can I get my reward now?” Dahan-dahang yumuko ito para angkinin ang mga labi niya.

No, he can’t fight it. Kieran misses Hardin so bad. That soft lips of Hardin and his gentle stroke, that all he misses badly. Kieran opened his mouth and he kissed Hardin back. His arms find a place around’s Hardin’s neck. Lumalalim ang halik nito at unti-unting humahaplos ang mga kamay nito sa bawat bahagi ng katawan ni Kieran.

Bumaba ang halik ni Hardin sa kanyang leeg at nagpakawala siya nang mahinang ungol.

Dahan-dahan siyang naghubad ng saplot ng kanyang katawan. Naging mainit ang malamig na umagang iyon nang bumaba ang mga labi ni Hardin patungo sa pusod niya at mas lalong bumaba pa.

He arched his back, grabbed Hardin’s hair, and curled his toes as he felt the tip of Hardin’s tongue indvading the head of his member and slipped inside Hardin’s warmth mouth. Pakiramdam niya ay binalutan siya ng libu-libong boltahe ng kuryente. One by one the pain he felt last night and in the last hour before he wake up slowly dissipated. Hoping it’ll never come back. Kieran opened his mouth and say something that makes Hardin move faster and deeper.