Chapter Thirteen

Yakap na yakap siya ni Hardin. Mahigpit at tila ayaw siya nitong pakawalan. Siya ang unang nakagising at pasado alas singko na ng umaga. Nararamdaman niya ang hapdi ng kanyang mga sugat at hindi na niya ‘yon iniinda o gumalaw man lang. Ayaw niyang magising si Hardin. Nakangiti siya habang nakatingin sa maamong mukha ni Hardin. He’s very handsome while sleeping peacefully. Wala itong pang-itaas kaya nakaramdam siya ng init ng katawan pero iwinaksi niya ‘yon sa kanyang isipan.

Kieran wrapped his arm around Hardin’s naked body. He buried his face in Hardin’s massive chest. It always feels paradise sa tuwing nararamdaman niya ang pagtibok ng puso nito. His whole body blend with the man he loves the most. Hinigpitan niya ang pagyakap kay Hardin. Ayaw niyang maging emosyonal at baka makita niya ang sarili sa huli na umiiyak sa dibdib ni Hardin. Ayaw niyang magising ito na makita siyang umiiyak.

Gusto niyang ipakita na matatag siya kahit pa man ay marami siyang kahinaan. Sa kabila ng kanyang mga kahinaan ay alam niyang palaging nasa harap niya si Hardin. He’s one of Kieran’s strengths. Kaya gusto niyang ipakita na napaka-suwerte niya na naging kasintahan niya ito. Even though the world and homophobic society sapped his confidence in himself and his future, there’s Hardin who lifts him to restore his strength. Love is to build each other. If he loses himself in the dark there’s Hardin who will bring him out from darkness to light.

Biglang nag-ring ang cellphone niya na nasa ibabaw ng study table. Dahan-dahan niyang ilayo ang sarili kay Hardin. Dahan-dahan siyang kumilos para lang hindi ito magising. Nang nakabangon na siya ay agad niyang kinuha ang cellphone niya at pumasok sa loob ng banyo para hindi maka-abala sa natutulog pang si Hardin.

Si Arthit ang nakarehistro sa caller ID ng cellphone niya. His chest-thumping. Kieran feeling goosey because of the thoughts playing inside his head. Ang nasa isip niya ay ang daddy at mommy niya at ang pag-uwi ng mga ito sa Bangkok.

“Nong, if possible go home this morning. Mae and Dad are on their way-”

He breathing deeply. Sabi na nga ba niya. He knew that Arthit cannot betray him or reveal his secret that he was living with Hardin. His brother cannot stand seeing Kieran beaten to death. Isang tao ang kinatatakutan niya who might open the secret. Nuea, yes inaasahan niya iyon. For Nuea seeing Kieran beating is kind of fun.

“Yes, I will,” aniya sa malungkot na tono. Kung makita siya ng daddy niya sa gano’ng hitsura na maraming pasa sa mukha, ay ano ang magiging reaksiyon nito? Siguro ay matutuwa ang huli. Never in his entire life that he received comfort and love from his dad since the day his dad find out his secret.

“I’ll go home also, don’t worry, Nong.”

“Yes, please.”

Pagkatapos ng pag-uusap nila ng kapatid niya ay lumabas na siya ng banyo. Pagkalabas niya ay kaagad siyang nagbihis at eksaktong pagtapos ng pagbibihis niya ay gumagalaw si Hardin.

“Khun ja pai nai khrub?” gulat na tanong nito at namamaos pa ang boses. Nag-usisa ito kung sa’n siya pupunta.

“I’m going home.” Humarap siya kay Hardin.

“Mind to tell me why, Kieran. You didn’t even mention last night or the other day na uuwi ka ngayon,” usisa nito.

“You don’t understand, Hardin.” He shook his head.

“I don’t understand what? What’s wrong with you? I won’t stop asking where you got those scrapes and bruises.” Lumapit ito sa kanya. “Bakit ba kasi nila sinasaktan ang baby ko.” Hardin kissed him on his forehead.

Ngumiti siya. “I need to go home now. Dad and Mom are on their way to Bangkok.”

Tumango ito. “I hope he learns to accept you, our relationship.”

“Wala pa sa plano ko na buksan ang tungkol sa atin.”

Malungkot ang tinging ibinigay nito sa kanya. “I understand. My Dad too, he’s old-fashioned. Darating din ang araw na matuto nilang tanggapin kung ano ang mayro’n tayo.” Hinila siya nito sa isang mahigpit na yakap at masuyo siya nitong hinagkan sa kanyang noo. “Pom yàak jà yùu gàp khun dtà-làawt bpai.” I want to be with you forever.

“I need to go now.” Inilayo niya ang sarili kay Hardin.

Hardin cupped his chin and he kissed Kieran na taos puso naman niya iyon tinugon kapwa’t habol nila ang hininga nang magkahiwalay ang kanilang mga labi. Tumalikod na siya at nagsimulang humakbang ngunit mabilis ang paggalaw ni Hardin at niyakap siya nito mula sa kanyang likuran. Mahigpit ang yakap nito.

“Kailangan ko ng umalis.” Kieran pleaded.

“Babalik ka pa ba?”

Hindi niya alam ang isasagot sa tanong na ‘yon. Parang alam niya ang mangyayari sa susunod na mga araw. “I will try my best.” Naninikip ang kanyang dibdib.

“Mag-isang buwan tayo as lovers sa next two days. We are celebrating right?”

“Oo.” He feels the thorn in his throat.

“Pom rak khun.”

“I love you too.” Now Hardin let go of him.

Kieran went downstairs. Hindi na siya lumingon pa. Naglandas ang kanyang mga luha nang lumabas na siya ng bahay. Kaagad niyang pinara ang taxing dumaan. Habang lulan siya ng taxing ‘yon ay walang tigil siya sa pag-iyak. Hindi niya alam pero pakiramdam niya kasi na durog na durog siya sa tanong ni Hardin na kung babalik pa ba siya. At kung hindi niya magawa iyon? If his dad finds out that he was living with Hardin sigurado siya na hindi na siya makabalik pa.

Nang nakarating na siya sa kanila ay dumiretso siya sa itaas sa silid niya. Hindi pa nakarating ang kanyang mga magulang and that was a relief. He feels like he doesn’t want to talk to everyone, including Arthit and their maids. Pasan niya ang daigdig sa kanyang balikat. Ano ba ang inaasahan niya sa bahay na ‘yon? It’s not like a home for him, not a typical home. A house that crippled him. He threw himself in the bed. Alam niyang sa ilang oras ay darating na ang kanyang mga magulang. It doesn’t excite Kieran alam niyang muli na naman siyang susugatan ng mga masasakit na salita ng kanyang daddy.

He stared at the ceiling and a while later he fall asleep and escaped his what if’s at lahat ng mga isiping naglalaro sa kanyang utak. Gusto niya nang mahimbing na tulog at kung maari ay ayaw na niyang magising pa. Hiniling na niya ‘yon na sana ay mawala na lamang siya dahil nga isa siyang kamalasan sa pamilya nila ayon sa kanyang daddy.

KIERAN awoke when a peal of merry laughter whose sounds of celebrating fell in the sense of his hearing. He stretched his arms and went out of his room. He went downstairs. To his surprised, he saw his parents, and Arthit, they seems very happy while sharing the table for lunch. Nakangiti siya nang mapait. That scene was never new to him, sanay na siya na makita ang mga ito na masaya habang nagsasalo while Kieran trying to figure out kung paano rin maging masaya na katulad nila.

“What’s wrong with your face, Kieran?” tanong ng mommy niya na pumukaw kay Kieran na nakatulala. “Come here, my son,” she said with concern in her eyes. “I missed you, Kieran. Ano bang nangayari sa mukha mo? Napa-away ka ba?”

Kieran heaved. “I missed you too khun Mae.” Yumakap siya sa kanyang mommy nang mahigpit.

“Answer me, Kieran. What’s wrong with your face?”

“This is nothing. Okay na po ako.”

Nang inilayo niya ang sarili sa kanyang mommy ay napadako ang tingin niya sa kanyang daddy. Hindi ito tumingin sa kanya. Wala itong paki-alam sa presensiya niya. Walang emosyon ang mukha nito habang kumain. Lumapit siya sa kanyang daddy.

“Just sit there,” anito sa mataas na boses.

Wala siyang magawa at umupo na lamang. Tumingin siya kay Arthit na nakatingin din sa kanya. May kalungkutan siyang nabasa sa mga mata nito, hindi niya alam kung para saan iyon, o para nga ba sa kanya. As always namang naaawa sa kanya si Arthit.

“Are you sure na okay ka lang, anak?” usisa ng mommy niya. “Ang dami mong pasa.”

Ngumiti siya. "Trust me I’m okay.”

Tumikhim si Mr. Pornthip “Oh, Arthit how’s your work?” tanong ni Mr. Pornthip sa panganay na anak.

“Devoted to my vows, Dad. Hospital life is my top priority,” Arthit proudly says.

“That’s why Daddy is proud of you.” Mr. Pornthip tapped Arthit’s shoulders. “I have something for you, Arthit.”

“Ey! from the Philippines?” natutuwang tanong nito.

“Yes of course.”

“Thank you very much, Dad.”

“No worries Arthit. You’re a good son, you deserved it.”

Arthit glances at Kieran “Ah, Dad, Kieran is in university, and he belonged to the top five. Guess his entrance exam score.”

“Let’s not talk about that. Respect the table Arthit.” Huminto ito sa pagkain, biglang dumilim ang mukha nito pagkarinig sa pangalan ni Kieran.

Kieran was red in the face. Respect the table? So talking about him and his entrance exam is kind of disrespect? Hindi na siya bago sa gano’ng ugali ng daddy niya pagdating sa kanya. But he feels like his heart clutching so badly. Nakaupo naman siya roon na durog at sugatan. It’s not easy sitting there and your dad pretending that you do not exist. He was sitting there and hearing their usual conversation and yet he didn’t belong with them. He feels like sitting naked in the middle of some snarky jerks who laugh and insults him.

“But Dad, my little brother is-”

Mr. Pornthip slammed hard against the table that an empty glass fell off the table and it was shattered on the floor. “I told you don’t talk about that. What do you expect me to do? praising a man who promotes immorality? you cannot expect me to cheer and clap my hands for a son that I raised with all efforts, and yet he chose his path filled with darkness.” He shook his head.

“Honey,” saway ni Mrs. Suttiprapha.

“If others accept it you cannot expect me to accept such crook. Why is it difficult to be a man, act like a straight man, or live like a normal man,” he said without even looking at Kieran.

“Dad, society accepting to all sexual preferences or orientations. And, Kieran’s intention is not bad.”

“Pom tha mai dai.” (The hell I can’t) He shouted. “Good intentions? Do you mean by liking boys? Now tell me about Sodom and Gomora, Arthit.”

Arthit stood up. “Oh, trapped in the manacles of homophobia or whatever beliefs you have. No matter what he’s still my brother. You cannot hide the fact that he’s your son.”

Nanatili siyang naka-upo roon na walang imik dahil kung magsalita siya ay mas lalong malala ang gulo at sagutan ng dalawa. He knew that Arthit trying to defend him pero wala itong magawa, takot din ito sa kanilang daddy.

“There’s nothing else to say. I really effed up.” Mr. Pornthip stood up and left the table. He went to his room and slammed the door shut.

“I’m sorry, Pee and Mae, I’m so sorry,” he said and his lips quivered.

Lumapit ang mommy niya at niyakap siya nito. Gano’n din si Arthit they hugged him, and he was broke in lament. Tahimik siyang umiiyak at paglipas ng ilang sandali ay desido siyang puntahan ang daddy niya na kahit pinigilan siya ng mommy niya. Mabigat ang mga hakbang ni Kieran. Parang hindi niya magawa ‘yon. Pero wala na siyang option pa. He slowly opened the door and stepped inside. He locked the door.

“What are you doing here?” mabilis na tanong ni Mr. Pornthip.

“I just want -”

“Just say what you want. But Kieran you already have the answer. If you beg me to accept you, you have the answer already.”

“Dad-”

“Don’t even call me Dad, please for heaven’s sake.”

Naglandas ang kanyang mga luha. Ang sakit-sakit ng sinabi ng kanyang daddy. “Sorry because I liked boys, sorry because I’m not like Arthit.” He cried.

“I told you, you already had the answer.”

Lumuhod siya. He lowered himself like a poor fool. It was his first time kneeling in front of his dad.

“Gam-lang tham baa a-rai yùu wa?” (What the heck are you doing?)

“I am so sorry, Dad.”

“Now, I tell you, that I’m the one who sends Nuea to spy and beat you.” He grinned.

Kieran’s eyes widened in shock. Bakit ba siya magugulat? Iyon ang hinala niya noong una, at hindi nga siya nagkamali. “I can’t -” Hagulgol niya. Ang sakit lang isipin na mismong daddy pala niya ang nasa likod ng pagbugbog sa kanya ni Nuea at ang mga tropa nito.

“Don’t act like I was the one who committed mistakes here. Nuea told me about Hardin and you—” He clenched his fist in his lap. “St*pidest effing son.”

“Daddy, please.” He looked at his dad straight in the eye.

“So much shame and disgrace. I want a grandson from you, and here you are begging me to accept your relationship with that guy? Now I got a son-in-law? What’s happening to you?” pagkasabi nito niyon ay isang malakas na sipa sa kanyang mukha ang natanggap niya mula sa kanyang daddy. Natumba siya sa sahig at dumugo ang bibig niya.

“What honorable name you’re carrying, Kieran?”

“Suttiprapha.” Pinahid niya ang labi niya na may dugo.

“And you dared to.” He growled into wild and grabbed Kieran by his shirt and he punches Kieran in his face. “How dare you, Kieran. I raised you to be a man.”

Matigas siyang umiiling.

“Do you love that guy?”

“I do, and what’s wrong with that? It’s not matter of being gay.” He cried.

“Do you know what?” Mr. Pornthip spits in his face. “You’re effin’ disgusting. You were created in the body of a man to be a man not to put you in the body of a man to be a woman. You supposed to like girls not boys.”

“I love Hardin. I love him, Dad, and he loves me too,” sagot niya habang nagpahid ng kanyang mga basang pisngi.

Matamang nag-iisip si Mr. Pornthip. May nakabuong plano sa isipan nito at dahil doon ay lumiwanag ang buong mukha nito. “Okay, no problem.”

“What do you mean, Dad?” nanghihinang tanong niya.

“Let me work on it.” Tumayo ito at inayos ang sarili at pinunasan ang kamao nito na may dugo ni Kieran. “I’ll work for it.”

Umiiling si Kieran. Alam niyang hindi maganda ang nasa isip ng daddy niya. He feels it in his bones na may plano ito na mas lalong dumurog sa kanya. Sa isipin pa lang ay parang hindi na niya kaya. Lumabas na ng silid na ‘yon si Mr. Pornthip at naiwan si Kieran na niyakap ang sarili.

Kung kaninang umaga ang huling araw na pagsasama natin ay bakit hindi natin susulitin? bulong niya sa sarili na puno ng hinanakit. Pero ang buong pagkatao niya ay umaasang sana hindi magkatotoo ang nasa kanyang isipan.