CHAPTER 85

CHAPTER 85
He said, ‘So fries, yeah?’
I said, “No, carrot sticks instead of fries.”
He said, ‘Carrot sticks?’ Like, I’d asked for grilled lobster.
Callum said, ‘No Aunty Julesy, I want fries.’
The server said, ‘So fries, yeah?’
I said, ‘NO. Carrot sticks.’
The Happy Meal came with fries.
While we were eating, Callum said, ‘Do you hate Uncle Nick?’
I said, ‘I don’t hate him. I just feel very, very sad when I think about him.’
Callum said, ‘Mummy says Uncle Nick is a right busted.’
I said, ‘Yes, Callum. Uncle Nickisa right busted. But he’s still Katy’s dad.’
Callum said, ‘I never see my dad. And I don’t care. Katy won’t care either.’
Sometimes Callum is wise beyond his years. Maybe it comes of having a mum whose still a baby herself.
Friday July 24th
Got a handwritten letter from Nick.
Unusual for him. He prefers computers. His handwriting looked like he’d used a pen made of brambles.
At first, I wondered why he hadn’t texted or called. But then I remembered I’d blocked his number.
The letter said,
Juliette,
Baby. I know I’ve fucked up. The DNA test – so not my idea.
I miss my little Katy boo. Is she saying daddy yet? Does she still look like me?
Can I see my little girl? Pretty please? I know I’ve been an arse hole, but I’m still her dad. No, Can we talk?
Nick.
He’d put a big flourish signature under his name, like when he signs his autograph on theatre programmes.
I couldn’t stop crying.
I’ve read and re-read the letter all day.
I still can’t forgive Nick, but ... maybe I’m being too harsh … maybe we really can make a go of things. For Katy’s sake. We’re supposed to be a family.
Saturday July 25th
Mum and Brandi both took turns in shouting at me today, re: the Nick letter.
Apparently, I’m not under any circumstances to consider going back to him. He is a shit bag. Plain and simple.
Simple to them. But not to me.
I thought you were supposed to get married, have kids and live happily ever after.

Sunday July 26th
Still thinking about Nick’s letter.
I am fed up and tired and depressed today.
Motherhood is SO gruelling. It just doesn’t stop. Feed, change, wash clothes, Katy sleeps when I don’t want her to, wakes up when I don’t want her to, feed again … and on it goes.
And I don’t want to do it alone. Of course, Nick never really helped (in fact, I have more time now I don’t have to do his washing). But I’m still technically a single mum, and everyone knows single mums have it hard.
I wonder what Nick is doing right now.
Monday July 27th
Spoke to Laura and Althea about Nick’s letter.
They both shouted at me too. Even Laura and she never shouts.
Althea said Nick was a horrible, nasty piece of theatrical shit and me and Katy were better off without him.
She’d got through to Rylan, Sadie’s gay make-up friend, on the cruise ship. Rylan said Sadie had been pregnant since June. And that Nick had known the whole time.
So Nick knew while we were planning the wedding. And while he was waiting at the end of the aisle.
What an idiot I am.
Nickisa shitbag and I’m better off without him.
But he’s still Katy’s dad. He has to see her eventually.?
Tuesday July 28th
Katy was eating Dad’s massive bible while I was on the loo, and it opened on a passage about forgiveness.
And I thought – could it be a sign? A sign I should forgive Nick? Maybe even take him back?
Everyone makes mistakes. I can’t throw away Katy’s family just because I’m feeling angry.
I’m going to the flat today, and maybe we can talk.
Wednesday, July 29th
Those Bs!
Sadie’s stuff was all over our flat.
She’s LIVING with him!
Nick had the decency to look embarrassed. But only for a minute. Then he spun Katy around and asked if she liked his new beard.
I stalked out with my head held high.
Then I burst into tears in the lobby.
Thursday July 30th
Dark curtains and sobbing again. It didn’t last all day though, because I had a play date with Althea. She hammered on my bedroom door and wouldn’t stop shouting until I got dressed and came out.
We ended up in the Great Oakley pottery café.
It’s one of those places where kids get to paint their own plates.
Katy and Wolfgang were way too young in my opinion, but Althea insisted they should express themselves.
Wolfgang’s plates were very intense– all angry slashes, deep purples, blacks and reds. He’s either going to be an artist or need therapy.
He only smashed two things. Furthermore, he would have smashed a third, but the pottery lady wrestled it out of his hands.
She didn’t exactly throw us out. But she made it clear we wouldn’t be getting any more cups of tea.
Told Althea about my trip to Nick’s flat.
She boomed, ‘That SHIT bag.’ Then she offered to slash Nick’s tyres.
Althea is a good friend.
Friday, July 31st
Laura and I had a chat about ‘next steps’, re: Nick and Sadie.
She said, ‘Sort out maintenance quickly. Because it looks like she’s getting her claws in. How pregnant did she look?’
I told her I didn’t know. Sadie had been under the duvet when I came round.
I confessed my bravado speech about running the marathon, and Laura said, ‘Why not run it? Show them both what you can do? Make Nick pay that bet.’
I said, ‘But Can’to it, Laura. I can barely manage two miles. And that’s in warm weather.’
Laura said, ‘Of course you can do it. You know what they say in my karate class? A black belt is a white belt who never gave up. We can start training again. Whenever you like.’
I said I’d think about it.
Meaning no.
Saturday, August 1st
Heard from mutual friends that Sadie has been ‘sort of living’ with Nick for a few weeks.
So pretty much since the wedding.
I didn’t think I had any tears left, but I do.