CHAPTER 84

CHAPTER 84
Sunday July 12th

I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.

Sadie’s pregnant.

PREGNANT.

No wonder she looked so sick in the wedding car.

I thought I couldn’t be any more humiliated than I already am.

What next? Will I find dog poo on the bottom of my wedding shoes?

Is Sadie keeping the baby?

Actually, that’s a stupid thing to wonder. Of course she will. She’s an actress. A baby is nine months of drama.

I wonder what Nick said when he found out?

I’ll never forget the night I told him I was pregnant.

I did the pregnancy test while he was watchingGame of Thrones.

I shouted, ‘Nick. NICK! I think I might be pregnant.’

He said, ‘Even if she is, I think she dies in this episode.’

I said, ‘No. I’M pregnant.’

He said, ‘Christ, as if I haven’t got enough to worry about.’

What did he say when Sadie told him?

God, I feel so sick.

Monday July 13th

I am totally fat, horrible, unlovable. No reason to lose weight anymore. Who cares?

Pigged out on oven chips, smiley faces, Chicago Town pizzas, sour cream dip and crisps – all the usual stuff round Mum and Dad’s.

I ate so much even Mum was worried. Well – she told me to slow down anyway. I think because there were no Pringles left and she likes to eat a tube while she’s watchingThe Apprentice.

No one seemed surprised that Sadie was pregnant. I even wondered if everyone knew already, but I think Brandi at least would have told me. She’s rubbish at keeping secrets.
Mum said she hoped Sadie would have triplets with huge heads.

I keep having niggling thoughts about Sadie.

I mean – yes, I hate her. She’s ruined my life and Katy’s chance of a happy family. But if she’s pregnant and alone … I mean, that’s pretty awful.

Tuesday July 14th

Grilled Althea about the pregnancy.

But she had nothing more to report. Her gay make-up artist friend is playing Captain Pork Chop on a cruise ship and had no phone reception.

Wednesday July 15th

ARG!!!

Got a letter today from the Jolly-Piggott family solicitors. They’re asking for a DNA test for Katy.

The BASTARDS!!!

I rang Nick twenty times, but he didn’t (wouldn’t) answer.

So I drove round to Helen’s house and thumped on the door until the stained glass rattled.

When Helen answered, she looked down her long bird nose at my Ugg boots and pyjamas and said, ‘You’d better come inside before anyone sees you.’

The Jolly-Piggotts were having their kitchen redone. There were tile samples everywhere with Helen’s manic biro scrawl on the back,

Dreadful.

Ghastly.

Christ – looks like a Manchester council estate.

I raged about the letter and the DNA test.

Helen put on her serious glasses and pretended to look at the letter. I could tell she knew exactly what it said, because after a two-second glance she said, ‘Just standard legal procedure. Nothing personal. Our solicitor thought it best.’

I told her it didn’t get more personal than questioning myvirtue. Not sure why I used that word. Think I’ve been watching too muchDownton Abbey…

‘You have to understand,’ Helen said. ‘Nicholas could havetwochildren to support soon. We need to make sure things are clear.’

I asked whether Sadie would do a DNA test when the baby came.

Helen said she was ‘fully on board’. Which I suppose means yes.

Sadie won’t care about her honesty being questioned. Only how much money she can make.

I roared at Helen that Nick would have to pay for his daughter.

She said, ‘As long as Katy is his daughter.’

I think I swore quite a lot then, because I remember Helen wincing and saying something about Anglo-Saxon language.

I made it all the way to the car before I burst into tears.

I cuddled Katy. She chewed on a tile sample.

Then I phoned Laura. She was in the uni coffee shop with Zach.

In the background, I could hear Zach saying, ‘Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry but is this fairtrade tea? Don’t want to shit all over the farmers. Thank you.’

It’s sweet that those two are getting along, but also bad timing.

Why couldn’t Laura get a wonderful boyfriend years ago when I was happy with Nick?

Thursday July 16th

Had five voicemail messages today. Thought they’d all be from Nick. But they were all blank ones from Althea. She’s never figured out how to hang up if someone doesn’t answer.

Friday July 17th

SO sick of checking my phone for Nick to call or text. I’ve decided to block his number. That way I won’t drive myself mad running to my phone whenever it bleeps.

Saturday July 18th

Laura’s birthday today. I feel terrible – I forgot all about it.

Brandi forgot too, but she forgets everyone’s birthday. As the youngest in the family, she gets away with everything.

Phoned Laura to beg forgiveness. She didn’t mind. She said the health and happiness of her family and friends was the only gift she wanted.

Zach is taking her out to some posh restaurant tonight.

Laura’s panicking that she won’t understand the menu.

She’s been swotting up on posh food words. Apparently lardon is just another word for bacon.

Sunday July 19th

Still no news about Nick and Sadie.

Katy has another cold. The poor snotty little thing. It’s agonising listening to her gasping for breath. I feel so worried.

Mum said, ‘She’s fine. Look at the size of those nostrils. You three were always coldy as babies. And you turned out just fine …’

I ended up buying this contraption to suck snot out of Katy’s nose.

It goes on the pile of baby devices that are supposed to make life easier but don’t actually work.

I have a whole box of them now, including:

A nursery thermometer that always says the room is dangerously hot.

A cot-death prevention sensor that goes off every time Katy falls asleep.

A car bottle warmer that takes half an hour to heat a bottle.

A warmer for wet wipes.

Various teething products – amber teething necklace, teething powder sachets, chunky plastic teething keys.

I wonder how far along Sadie is? Is she sick? I wish I didn’t keep torturing myself with these questions. But it’s sort of impossible not to.

Monday July 20th

Mum said she would ‘take Katy off my hands’ today so I could have a rest.

I told her about Katy’s routine.

Mum did her usual, ‘Stop telling me how to do it Jules, I’ve had three bloody kids.’

Yes.

In the seventies.

Mum’s philosophy is, ‘As long as the baby’s not dead, everything’s fine.’

She still doesn’t know how to use disposable nappies. Katy ALWAYS comes back with her nappy on back-to-front and the sticky bits stuck to her clothing.

Still. It was nice to have an hour to myself. Although Katy was so upset when she came back that I had to spend a good hour and a half calming her down.

Tuesday July 21st

Althea phoned today.

She asked if I was still planning on running the Christmas Marathon.

I said no way.

I never wanted to do it in the first place.

Althea said Sadie has pulled out.

News of Sadie’s illegitimate baby has got back to the race organisers, and they don’t want her singing ‘We Are the World, We Are the Children’.

Felt pretty happy about that.

Althea said, ‘Look, you’re already signed up. And you’ve raised hundreds for Children’s Aid. Why pull out because of that nasty moon-faced cow?’

I said I’d think about it.

Meaning no.

If being dumped on my wedding day doesn’t give me an excuse not to run a marathon, what does?

Wednesday July 22nd

Everyone always says what a happy baby Katy is, but I really wish she was a sleepy baby too.

I am so jealous of Althea, who says Wolfgang falls asleep all over the house.

Apparently all she has to do is give him some beef jerky to chew and he drifts off.

Grrr.

Thursday July 23rd

Took Callum to McDonald’s today.

The McDonald’s server just COULD NOT understand that I wanted carrot sticks for Callum’s Happy Meal.