CHAPTER 81
CHAPTER 81
Laura came over in the afternoon with a homemade wholemeal banana cake. She’d spent the day studying and baking. Even though she stayed out until 3am too.
I don’t know why she bothers making healthy stuff for Mum. If it doesn’t say ‘Birdseye’, Mum doesn’t want to know.
We started talking about the wedding and Dad got all misty-eyed, saying his wedding was the best day of his life.
Mum said it was her second best – Brandi being born was her best. She apologised for not liking the days Laura and I were born. But apparently painkillers weren’t as good back then.
Was a nice day in the end.
Dad took Katy out for a bit.
I always feel safe when she’s with him. He’s so sensible. He writes her a schedule and sets an alarm when she needs milk.
Thursday June 11th
Wedding in two days.
VERY excited.
Went to Mum and Dad’s today so Brandi could practise doing my hair.
I ended up looking like Dolly Parton.
Brandi said, ‘But youloveDolly Parton.’
Even Dad, who thinks I look lovely in everything, said, ‘Blimey, you want to be careful. They’ll be naked flames in the church.’
I had a bit of a bridezilla moment and told Brandi I didn’t want to be a foot taller than Nick on my wedding day.
She got a bit grumpy and said she’d ‘have another go’ after she’d had a cigarette.
Dad said, ‘Don’t smoke near Juliette’s hair. It could go up.’
Finally, after a lot more teasing and combing and a picture of Ellie Goulding, we got there and my hair really did look quite nice.
But I think I’ll do my own make-up.
Friday June 12th
One day until the wedding!
So close now – it’s really going to happen!
Can’t quite believe it yet, but I’m sure it’ll hit me when I get to the church.
I didn’t want Nick to see me the night before the wedding, so am staying at the pub.
Laura came over and we all played Monopoly.
It’s hilarious playing games with my family.
Dad and Laura always stick EXACTLY to the rules.
Mum and Brandi always cheat.
I got all teary at one point, saying I’d be getting married and leaving them all behind.
Mum said, ‘What are you talking about? You haven’t even got your own place yet.’
We ended up playing Monopoly, drinking tea and eating custard creams until really late. Too late for Laura to get the train back to London, so she’s staying in our old bedroom – me in the bottom bunk, her in the top. Katy in the travel cot.
Mum, Dad, Brandi and Callum are down the hall. Just like old times. Nice being a family again. All cosy and warm.
Saturday June 13th
Wedding day.
I can’t write today. I just can’t.
Monday June 15th
Oh diary. Diary, diary, diary. I have never known pain like this.
I will never get over this. Never, ever, ever.
Wednesday June 17th
Laura told me it was sunny today, but who cares?
Spent all day in bed with the curtains drawn.
Katy cries, smiles and sleeps just like always. Like nothing has changed.
She doesn’t understand our whole world has just been ripped apart.
Thursday June 18th
Stayed in my bedroom with Katy again today, sobbing.
Mum bought me a McDonald’s breakfast.
She said, ‘Get some food down you and then we’ll go out.’
But the thought of food made me feel sick. And the thought of going out anywhere – even sicker.
Mum told me she’d punch Nick’s lights out if I wanted her to.
I said, ‘What’s the point? It won’t change anything.’
Mum said, ‘It might make you feel better.’
I said, ‘Nothing will make me feel better right now.’
Mum said, ‘You’ll feel better one day love. I promise.’ Then she bounced Katy on her knee and said, ‘No matter what you’re going through, if you’ve got kids you’ve won the lottery.’
Friday June 19th
Text message from Althea today:
‘The greatest pain brings the greatest growth. The universe is looking down on you and smiling, because it knows this is all part of a greater plan. Life is beautiful and so are you.’
Saturday June 20th
Brandi came storming into my bedroom this morning and ripped the curtains open.
She said, ‘You’ve done enough wallowing. Katy needs some sunshine. So do you. It’s time to get up and show up. Never give up.’
She forced me to get dressed, then we went out for a walk.
We stuck to places where no one could see my haggard, cried-out face. I never knew I had so many tears in me. They still keep coming.
If I didn’t have Katy, I don’t know what I’d do. She is my only light right now.
When I moaned to Brandi about having nowhere to live, she said, ‘Don’t be stupid. You’ll live at the pub with Mum, Dad, Callum and me.’
Oh God. A single mum. Living with my parents and my teen-pregnancy sister.
Brandi still has her youth.
I’m old and on the shelf.
I asked Brandi if this happened because I got fat and didn’t wear scarves.
She said, ‘Don’t be stupid. Mum gets fatter every year. And Dad still loves her. And ANYWAY you’re not thatfat.’
Which is a pretty big compliment for Brandi.
I said, ‘Why would he do this to me?’
Brandi said, ‘Because he’s an idiot, Jules. An idiot.’
Sunday June 21st
Father’s Day
For some stupid reason, I thought Nick might call today.
Father’s Day and everything.
But no.
I bought him a present months ago (supposedly from Katy). Solid-silver cufflinks with tiny prints of Katy’s feet on them.
I gave the cufflinks to Dad, and he got all teary and went on about what an idiot Nick is, and how he loved being a granddad.
I cried too.
Then Dad said, ‘You’re worth ten of him love. You know that, don’t you?’
Wednesday June 24th
Nana Joan came to visit me today.
She’d borrowed her new boyfriend’s mobility scooter. Typical Nana Joan – she turned off the safety switch so it would go over 15 mph and nearly ran over a dog.
I told Nana off for coming all that way on her own, but she said, ‘Nothing’s more important than my Julesy right now.’
She took my hand in her gold-ringed fingers and said, ‘I reckon I gave Nick a black eye on your wedding day. Maybe worse.’
Apparently, she’d attacked Nick and Helen with her crutches after I left the church. It had taken two people to restrain her.
Realise I haven’t even written about my wedding day.
God – I’m SUCH a mess.