Total loss of control

My mind keeps replaying those words of hers from a few minutes ago and I feel like an asshole. Even though what you said was true, your words did nothing but gut me. I've turned everything into a fucking mess.

All I gave him was my hatred. Not once did I show him or even hint to him that my feelings might be changing. I saw it as weakness on my part, to have feelings for someone I hated so much.

I'm an asshole, but you all knew that already. And even though I just admitted it, I still haven't fully accepted my feelings for this girl. Because of that, it made me keep acting like an asshole. But right now, I really don't want her to die.

The two parts of me are at war with each other. One side says I should just forget it all, and the other says I should move on because she deserves it. I'm here, in the middle, not knowing which way to go.

I keep remembering everything my mother went through and it reminds me of all the reasons why I should keep hating Leah . Another part of me wants me to acknowledge that this is not just a passing fling, but to acknowledge the true feelings I have for her.

Since she moved into my house, I find myself secretly watching her. I've become a little obsessed with her and I hate it. Fuck, when did she make life so complicated?

When she came out of her room yesterday already dressed, it literally took my breath away. She was so beautiful. Sometimes it hurt to look at her because she represented all the things I shouldn't want but couldn't help but want.

I remember the look in her eyes when she looked at me. She was contemplating every inch of me. I could see the lust and desire paint her face of desire. She tried to hide her reaction, but as much as she did, I know I affected her more than she wanted me to. She told me I looked handsome, and I was so captivated by her that I couldn't utter a word. All that finally came out of my mouth was that she looked...pretty.

Instantly I saw her face fall. She probably thought I was being a jerk as usual and didn't want to tell her that she looked beautiful. Something about her looks bothered me. I didn't know what it was. It wasn't her looks per se, but it was something.

When we got downstairs, my dad was already there. I hated the way he showered her with compliments. I knew why and it was infuriating me all over again. I clenched my jaw as I looked at him, wanting to smash his face in. Yes, I still harbor a lot of hatred for him, that hasn't changed at all. I don't know if it will ever change.

By the time we got to the church, and were ready to walk down the aisle as best man and maid of honor for our parents, I was still pissed. I had no intention of doing anything to her, but suddenly I just wanted to embarrass her. So with a slight movement of my foot, a movement that no one would notice, I tripped her.

It wasn't until that moment, when she fell to the ground, that I realized what bothered me about her before. She looked very thin.

After she fell, laughter immediately started throughout the room and it was nothing but music to my ears. It made me feel better.

Then my jealousy reared its ugly head when I saw her leaning on another man, especially one I didn't like. I felt like punching the lights out of that asshole for even touching her. I had to leave before I fucked it up. I don't want any other asshole touching her. It's mine.

And here I go again...

The thing is, sometimes when hate is all you know and have towards someone, it's hard to change that mentality. That's exactly what's fucking me up right now. I don't want to hate her anymore but I don't want to like her either. Plus, I still have big secrets I'm keeping from her, which complicates things even more.

How the fuck do I justify feeling anything but hatred towards the people who were unwittingly the reason for my mother's death? The line is a slippery slope and I don't know which side I should be on anymore.

When I set out to get revenge and make her life a living hell, never in my best dreams did I think my feelings for her would change. But somehow they have, and that's quite an inconvenience.

As I sit here in the waiting room, waiting for news on her condition, it's unbearable. I can barely keep myself in this chair. When we finally got to the hospital, I didn't know what the hell had happened.

I was on autopilot the whole time, hoping it was nothing serious. I remember running out of the car before it stopped, with her in my arms. I remember yelling to get someone's attention so they would hurry to take a look at her. She didn't look good. She was too pale. The nurses came quickly and I hurried to explain what I knew before they took her away. I have been anxious ever since.

When they realized who I was, they moved even faster. That was one of the perks of being stupidly rich and having your name written on the building. Everyone was willing to do my bidding.

I decided not to tell my parents, who had left early for their honeymoon. Anyway, I would keep a closer eye on her from now on. If she thought I was an asshole before, she's not going to be anything like the Rayan that's going to be all over her now. I don't think she's ready for the Rayan who's really going to give a shit.

The guys are sitting a few chairs away from me. No one has said a word since we sat down. I know they don't want to tell me I told you so, even though I deserve it. So everyone shuts up.

I look down at the white dress shirt I'm wearing and it's the first time I notice blood on it. For the first time since my mother's funeral, I feel emotions choking me, I feel it hard to breathe. I know it's her blood and the sensation I feel is indescribable.

She's been cutting herself... and I didn't know it.

It's all my fault. Now that I know he's been taking pills, a lot of things make sense. Earlier, when she disappeared, I checked the GPS on her phone, but she was in her room. She left with her new friend, Serena , and that jerk, Noah , along with the Poison Brothers. I wasn't too pressed because I was still pissed at her and I didn't give a shit then.