Chapter 69 – Bleeding heart

KIRA.

It surprised me when the next day I received an unexpected phone call. The truth was, I was a bit annoyed with him and didn’t want to answer his messages. But this time I did.

“Hey Kira, it’s been a while since we last talked. How have you been?” said Mark with joy in his voice.

“Hi Mark, I’m doing okay. Just been keeping busy with work and stuff. How about you?”

“Same here. But hey, I was thinking, since it’s been so long since we hung out, maybe we could grab a drink or something today? Just for old times’ sake?” he asked, and I suddenly was at a loss for words.

Remembering he was a part of my losing Maddie stopped me from answering right away. Eventually I did.

“I don’t know Mark. We haven’t talked in a while, and there were some misunderstandings between us before. You know, the trial and stuff”

“I know, and that’s exactly why I want to meet up. It’s time to bury the hatchet and move on from the past. I miss our friendship, Kira. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers, and I hate the thought of not being friends anymore. I know you are still hurting about losing Maddie, but I am here for you. Maybe we can come up with a strategy or something…”

“Stop, please,” I interrupted him. “There is no such thing,” I continued, the sadness choking me even harder.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like that. I just…”

“It’s ok, don’t worry. Ok, let’s do it. Where do you want to meet up?” I finally gave up.

“Wow, thank you! How about that café we used to go to all the time? I heard they just renovated it, and I’d love to see how it turned out.”

“That sounds great. What time should we meet there?” I asked, but really I had no interest. Then again, maybe getting out of the house and being away from memories would do me good.

“How about in an hour? Does that work for you?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. I’ll see you there in an hour, Mark.” I told him, and I could sense a hint of joy on his face.

“Great! I’m looking forward to it, Kira. See you soon.” he said and ended the conversation.

As I walked towards the coffee shop where I was supposed to meet Mark, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of ambivalence. On the one hand, I wasn’t particularly excited about seeing him. We had been friends for years, but lately, our conversations had become stale and I found myself struggling to come up with things to say to him. Especially knowing the outcome of the trial where he was my lawyer. I thought he could have helped me.

I never thought I’d be sitting across from Mark again, let alone over a cup of coffee. The last time we saw each other was in court, during Maddie’s custody battle. He fought tooth and nail to keep my daughter with me. But Gabriel had won in the end. Maddie was with him now, and they left me with nothing but the memories of her laughter and the ache of her absence.

So why was I here, sipping warm coffee with the man who couldn’t keep my daughter with me? Because any option was better than sitting at home, alone, thinking about Maddie. I couldn’t see Alana, my best friend, because she was working. And I couldn’t bear the thought of staring at the same four walls for another moment.

Mark cleared his throat, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“How have you been?” he asked, his tone cautious.

I shrugged, taking a sip of my coffee.

“Okay, I guess. It’s been hard, but I’m trying to stay busy.”

He nodded, his expression sympathetic.

“I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,” he said. “But I’m here for you, if you ever need anything.”

I smiled weakly, grateful for the offer, but not sure I could take him up on it. After all, he couldn’t give me what I wanted most: my daughter back.

“Thanks, Mark,” I said. “I appreciate that.”

We fell into an awkward silence, punctuated only by the clink of our coffee cups on the table. I wondered if he was thinking about the case, about how he could have done better, about how he had let me down. But then he surprised me.

“I heard from a colleague that Maddie is doing well,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “That she’s happy and thriving with Gabriel”

My heart clenched at the mention of Maddie’s name, but I forced myself to nod.

“Yeah,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “That’s what I hear too.”

Mark reached across the table and touched my hand, his gaze steady.

“I know it’s not what you wanted, but at least she’s safe and loved. And you can still be a part of her life, in whatever way Gabriel will allow.”

I blinked back tears, overwhelmed by his kindness.

“Thank you, Mark,” I said, my voice cracking. “Thank you for being here.”

He smiled, squeezing my hand before releasing it.

“Of course. Anytime.”

And then he stood, grabbing his coat.

“I have to run, but let’s do this again sometime. Maybe without the depressing conversation.”

I managed a weak chuckle, watching as he walked out the door. Maybe I would see him again, maybe I wouldn’t. But for now, I was glad for the distraction. Glad for the reminder that even though Maddie was gone, I wasn’t completely alone.

I didn’t stay in the cafeteria much longer. But I went into a shock when I left. I had Maddie and Gabriel in the front park.

As soon as I saw Maddie in the park with Gabriel, my heart squeezed so tight that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was like a physical pain in my chest, a knot that wouldn’t loosen. I hadn’t seen my daughter since the day I lost custody of her, since the day I held her for the last time. But seeing her now, running and playing with her father, brought back a flood of memories and emotions that I thought I had buried long ago.

The warmth of her tiny body, the weight of her in my arms, the smell of her hair - it all came back to me in a rush. I felt numb, like I was watching someone else’s life play out before me. How had I let this happen? How had I allowed myself to lose my daughter, my little girl who meant everything to me?

Watching Maddie and Gabriel talk and play, I couldn’t help but feel like I was supposed to be there with them. I was supposed to be the one pushing her on the swing, helping her climb the monkey bars, and holding her hand as she explored the world. But instead, I was on the outside looking in, a mere spectator in my own daughter’s life.

My heart and soul were bleeding and hurting so damn bad. The pain was almost too much to bear. Every moment I spent watching Maddie with Gabriel was like a knife in my heart, a reminder of everything I had lost. I wanted to scream, to cry, to beg for forgiveness, but I knew it was too late. The damage had been done, and there was no going back.

I watched them for what felt like hours, unable to tear my eyes away from the sight of my daughter. I saw her smile and laugh, her eyes sparkling with joy, and my heart ached with longing. It was my longing to be able to hold her in my arms again and feel the weight of her against me.

It was a cruel twist of fate that had taken her from me, a twist that I couldn’t quite understand or accept. I had done everything in my power to be the best parent I could be, but it had never been enough. The court had ruled against me, and it had forced me to give up my daughter, my Maddie, the one thing in this world that meant everything to me.

The pain of losing her was still as raw as the day it happened. It was a constant ache in my heart, a reminder of what I had lost and what I could never get back. I tried to push the thoughts away, to focus on the present moment, but it was impossible. Maddie was all I could think about, and my heart felt like it was being ripped apart.

As Maddie and Gabriel started to pack up their things and head home, I couldn’t bring myself to move. I remained frozen in place, still watching them with tears streaming down my face. Part of me wanted to run after them, to scoop Maddie up in my arms and never let go. But I knew that wasn’t possible, not anymore.

Instead, I stood there in the park, alone with my thoughts and my pain. I knew I would never be able to forget this moment, this ache in my heart that seemed to consume me. But maybe, just maybe, it was a reminder that I needed to do better, to be better, so that one day I might be able to earn back my daughter.