Chapter 28 AFTER THE CONFESSION
Elias
They were soaked by the time they made it back to Elias’s car.
Rain plastered Alex’s hair to his forehead. His shirt was see-through. He was shivering.
“Come on,” Elias said. “Let’s get you dry.”
They drove back to Elias’s apartment in silence. But a different silence than before. Charged. Electric.
Alex’s hand found his on the console. Held tight.
“Did you mean it?” Alex asked.
“Yes.”
“You love me?”
“Yes.”
“Even though we’ve only been together a month?”
“Even though.”
At the apartment, Elias found dry clothes. Sweatpants and a t-shirt that hung loose on Alex’s smaller frame. Alex changed in the bathroom while Elias changed in the main room.
When Alex came out, he looked impossibly young. Vulnerable. His wet clothes were bundled in his arms.
“Here.” Elias took them. Hung them over the shower rod to dry. “Better?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
They stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. Both knew something had shifted but were not sure what came next.
“I should probably go,” Alex said.
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Then stay.”
“Elias.”
“Just stay. We’ll talk. Or not talk. Whatever you want.”
Alex bit his lip. Nodded.
They ended up on the bed again. Sitting this time. Backs against the wall. Side by side but not touching.
“I didn’t plan to say it,” Alex said. “It just came out.”
“I’m glad it did.”
“Are you? Because now everything’s different.”
“Everything was already different.” Elias turned to look at him. “I’ve been in love with you for weeks. I just didn’t know if I could say it.”
“Why not?”
“Because saying it makes it real. Makes leaving harder.”
“Are you leaving?”
“I don’t know yet.”
Alex pulled his knees up. Wrapped his arms around them. Making himself smaller.
“Can I ask you something?” Alex said.
“Anything.”
“What would make you stay? Like, what would it take?”
Elias thought about it. Really thought. “A reason to believe staying is the right choice. Not just for you. For me too.”
“What kind of reason?”
“I don’t know. A job maybe. A plan. Something that feels like moving forward instead of standing still.”
“What if I’m not enough of a reason?”
“You are. But I can’t make you responsible for my whole future. That’s not fair to either of us.”
Alex was quiet for a long moment. Then: “What if you stayed and we broke up?”
“Then we’d deal with it.”
“Would you hate me?”
“No. Never.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because even if this ended tomorrow, you’d still be the person who wrote me those letters. Who made me feel seen. I could never hate you for that.”
Alex turned to look at him. Eyes red and wet. “I’m scared.”
“Me too.”
“Of what?”
“Of making the wrong choice. Of hurting you. Of losing you.” Elias reached over. Took Alex’s hand. “Of loving you this much and not knowing how to make it work.”
“Do you regret it? Loving me?”
“No. Do you?”
“No. But I wish the timing were different.”
“Me too.”
They sat there holding hands. Rain is still falling outside. The apartment is warm and quiet.
“Can I stay tonight?” Alex asked. “Not for anything. Just to sleep.”
“Yes. Of course.”
They got ready for bed. Alex borrowed Elias’s toothbrush. Used his face wash. It felt domestic. Normal. Like they’d been doing this for years instead of confessing love for the first time an hour ago.
In bed, they lay facing each other. Close but not touching.
“Is this okay?” Elias asked.
“Yeah. Can you hold me?”
Elias pulled him close. Alex’s back against his chest. Arms wrapped around him. Safe and warm.
“I love you,” Elias whispered into Alex’s hair.
“I love you too.”
Alex fell asleep first. His breathing is even out. His body is relaxing.
Elias stayed awake. Feeling Alex’s heartbeat under his palm. Trying to memorize this feeling. Just in case.
His phone buzzed on the nightstand. His sister.
Sister: You’re being stupid
Elias: What?
Sister: I can feel you overthinking from here. Stop it.
Elias: How do you always know
Sister: Because I know you. What’s wrong?
Elias: I told him I love him
Sister: FINALLY
Sister: And?
Elias: And now I have to decide if that’s enough to stay
Sister: Is it?
Elias: I don’t know
Sister: What does your gut say?
Elias looked at Alex sleeping in his arms. At the way he’d curled into him. Trusting. Peaceful.
Elias: My gut says stay
Sister: Then what’s the problem?
Elias: My brain says go. That staying is giving up my future.
Sister: Your future isn’t set in stone. You can have a future here too.
Elias: Can I?
Sister: Only if you let yourself.
Elias put his phone down. Alex stirred. Mumbled something in his sleep. Pressed closer.
“Elias?” Alex’s voice was thick with sleep.
“I’m here.”
“Don’t leave.”
“I won’t. Go back to sleep.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Alex settled again. But Elias lay awake for hours.
Thinking about promises. About futures. About love and leaving and the impossible choice in front of him.
By morning, he still didn’t have an answer.
Alex woke up slowly. Blinked at the unfamiliar ceiling. Then remembered where he was.
“Morning,” Elias said.
“Morning.” Alex’s voice was rough. “Did you sleep?”
“A little.”
“Liar.”
“Maybe.”
Alex sat up. Hair sticking up in every direction. Elias’s shirt is hanging off one shoulder. He looked beautiful.
“What are you thinking?” Alex asked.
“That I want to wake up like this every day.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Then stay. Please. Just stay.”
Elias’s chest hurt. “I can’t make that decision right now.”
“When?”
“April first. Like I said.”
“That’s three weeks.”
“I know.”
“And until then we just pretend everything’s normal?”
“We try.”
Alex looked at him for a long moment. Then nodded. “Okay. We try.”
They had breakfast together. Coffee and toast. Simple and quiet. Both are avoiding the elephant in the room.
When Elias drove Alex back to campus, they held hands the whole way.
At Alex’s dorm, they sat in the car. Neither wanted to say goodbye.
“Three weeks,” Alex said.
“Three weeks.”
“And then you decide.”
“And then I decide.”
Alex leaned over. Kissed him softly and sadly. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Alex got out. Walked toward his building. Turned back once. Waved.
Elias waved back.
Then Alex was gone and Elias was alone with his thoughts.
Three weeks to decide.
Stay or go.
Love or future.
He pulled out his phone. Looked at his calendar. April first circled in red.
Twenty days.
That’s all he had to figure out the rest of his life.