Chapter 29 NOT ENOUGH
Alex
Seven days until April first and Alex was becoming a shadow of himself.
He tried to act normally. Went to classes. Did his homework. Smiled when Des made jokes. But inside he was counting down like a death sentence.
Seven days until Elias chose.
Stay or go.
Them or his future.
“You’re doing it again,” Sana said across the library table.
“Doing what?”
“Staring into space like the world’s ending.”
“Sorry.”
“Have you talked to him? About the decision?”
“No. We agreed not to until April first.”
“That’s stupid.”
“That’s what we decided.”
Sana closed her textbook. “Alex. You can’t just sit here waiting. You should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”
“He knows how I feel. I told him I love him.”
“And then what? You’re just pretending everything’s fine for a week?”
“We’re trying to enjoy the time we have left.”
“That’s not enjoying. That’s avoiding.”
Alex knew she was right. Every moment with Elias felt weighted. Every kiss felt like goodbye. Every “I love you” felt like it might be the last.
His phone buzzed.
Elias: Can I see you tonight?
Alex: Yes
Elias: My place? 7?
Alex: Okay
Sana read his face. “He texted?”
“Yeah. Wants to see me tonight.”
“Good. Talk to him. Really talk. Not just kissing and avoiding.”
But when Alex got to Elias’s apartment that night, talking was the last thing on his mind.
Elias opened the door and Alex kissed him immediately. Hard and desperate. Like if he kissed hard enough, Elias would have to stay.
Elias kissed back. Hands in Alex’s hair. Walking him backward toward the bed.
They fell onto it together. Still kissing. Alex’s hands are pulling at Elias’s shirt.
“Wait,” Elias said. Breathing hard. “Alex, wait.”
“Why?”
“Because if we do this now, like this, you’re going to regret it.”
“No I won’t.”
“You will. We should talk first.”
“I don’t want to talk. I want this. Please.”
Elias pulled back. Looked at him seriously. “Is this because you think I’m leaving?”
Alex didn’t answer.
“That’s what I thought.” Elias sat up. Fixed his shirt. “I’m not having sex with you as a goodbye.”
“What if that’s all we get?”
“Then we get that. But I’m not doing this until we’ve actually talked. Until you’re doing it because you want me, not because you’re scared.”
Alex’s eyes burned. He turned away. “I do want you.”
“I know. But you’re also terrified. And I’m not taking advantage of that.”
They sat on opposite sides of the bed. The space between them felt like miles.
“I can’t do this,” Alex said.
“Do what?”
“Pretend everything’s fine. Act like in seven days you might not be gone.”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“But you’re leaning toward leaving. I can tell.”
Elias was quiet. Which was answer enough.
“The program starts in August,” Elias finally said. “That’s four months away. Even if I accept, we’d have the summer.”
“And then what? Long distance?”
“Maybe.”
“We both know that won’t work.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. We’ve been together two months. That’s not enough to survive three thousand miles.”
“So what are you saying? Should we end it now? Save ourselves the trouble?”
“I’m saying I can’t watch you leave. I can’t smile and be supportive and wave goodbye while you go live your life and I’m stuck here missing you.”
“So you want me to stay.”
“I want you to want to stay. There’s a difference.”
Elias stood up. Paced. His hands were running through his hair. “This isn’t fair.”
“I know.”
“You’re asking me to choose between my future and you.”
“I’m not asking you to choose anything. I’m telling you I can’t do this halfway. I can’t be your maybe.”
“You’re not my maybe. I love you.”
“But you still might leave.”
“Yes. Because I don’t know what else to do.” Elias’s voice cracked. “I don’t have a job here. I don’t have a plan. The only thing keeping me here is you and that’s not enough to build a life on.”
The words hit like a slap. “I’m not enough.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“That’s what you said.”
“Alex.”
But Alex was already grabbing his jacket. Moving toward the door.
“Don’t leave,” Elias said. “Please. Let’s talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. You’ve already decided.”
“I haven’t.”
“You said I’m not enough. That’s a decision.”
“That’s not what I said and you know it.”
Alex stopped at the door. Hand on the handle. “When you make your choice on April first, don’t tell me in person. Text me. Or email. I don’t care. But I can’t watch your face when you tell me you’re leaving.”
“Alex, please.”
But Alex was already gone. Out the door. Down the stairs. Into the cold night.
His phone buzzed before he made it back to campus.
Elias: I’m sorry
Elias: Please can we talk about this
Elias: I didn’t mean it like that
Elias: Alex please
Alex turned off his phone. Walked back to his dorm in the dark. His chest felt hollow. Empty.
Des was waiting when he got back.
“What happened?”
“I think we just broke up.”
“What? Why?”
Alex told him. Everything. The almost-sex. The fight. The words that couldn’t be taken back.
“He didn’t mean you’re not enough,” Des said.
“Yes, he did. And he’s right. I’m not enough to make him stay. His whole future versus some guy he’s known for two months? Of course, he’s leaving.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.”
Alex lay down on his bed. Stared at the ceiling. “Seven days. In seven days I’ll know for sure.”
“And until then?”
“Until then I wait.”
His phone was still off. He left it that way. Didn’t want to see Elias’s texts. Didn’t want to hope.
That night he barely slept. Kept replaying the fight. The look on Elias’s face when Alex walked out.
By morning, Des had clearly talked to Sana because she showed up with coffee and determination.
“You need to fix this,” she said.
“There’s nothing to fix.”
“You walked out in the middle of a fight. That’s not how healthy relationships work.”
“We don’t have a healthy relationship. We have a doomed one.”
“Only if you let it be doomed.” Sana sat on his bed. “Alex. Listen to me. You’re scared and you’re pushing him away before he can leave you. But that’s just going to guarantee you lose him.”
“I’m going to lose him anyway.”
“You don’t know that.”
“He said I’m not enough reason to stay.”
“He said you alone aren’t enough to build a life on. That’s different. And he’s right. You can’t be someone’s only reason for everything. That’s too much pressure.”
Alex sat up. Looked at her. “So what do I do?”
“You talk to him. You apologize for walking out. You have an actual conversation about what happens next.”
“What if he’s already decided to leave?”
“Then at least you’ll know. And you can decide how to spend the next seven days. Fighting or loving.”
She was right. Alex knew she was right.
He turned on his phone. Seventeen messages from Elias. All saying the same thing. I’m sorry. Please talk to me. I love you.
Alex typed back one message.
Alex: Can we talk?
The response came in seconds.
Elias: Yes. When?
Alex: Now?
Elias: I’ll pick you up
Twenty minutes later, Alex was in Elias’s car. Neither speaking. The tension thickens between them.
“I’m sorry,” they both said at the same time.
Then, almost smiling despite everything.
“You first,” Elias said.
“I’m sorry I walked out. I was scared and I ran.”
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t enough. That’s not true. You’re everything.”
“But I’m still not enough reason to stay.”
“No. But that’s not your fault. It’s mine for not having my life together enough to know what I want.”
They sat in the parking lot. Holding hands across the console.
“April first,” Alex said.
“April first.”
“And until then?”
“Until then we love each other. As much as we can. However, we can.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
But both of them knew.
Seven days wasn’t enough time to fix this.