Chapter 27 I LOVE YOU
Alex
March came with rain and the growing weight of time running out.
Alex watched Elias across the café table and tried not to think about graduation. Tried to focus on right now. Elias’s hands wrapped around his coffee cup. On the way, he smiled when he caught Alex staring.
“What?” Elias asked.
“Nothing. Just looking.”
“You’re always looking.”
“Is that bad?”
“No. I like it.” Elias reached across the table. Took his hand. “What are you thinking about?”
“How many days we have left?”
Elias’s smile faded. “Alex.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying not to think about it but it’s always there.”
“We still have time.”
“Three months. That’s not a lot.”
“It’s enough.”
But it didn’t feel like enough. Every date felt borrowed. Every kiss felt like counting down.
“Have you decided?” Alex asked. “About the grad program?”
“Not yet.”
“When do you have to decide?”
“By April first.”
Three weeks. Three weeks until Elias would choose to stay or go.
Alex pulled his hand back. Wrapped both around his own mug. The ceramic was warm against his palms.
“I don’t want to pressure you,” Alex said.
“You’re not.”
“I am. Just by existing. By being here.”
“Alex, look at me.” Elias waited until Alex met his eyes. “You’re not pressured. You’re the reason I’m actually considering staying. That’s different.”
“What if you stay and regret it?”
“What if I leave and regret that?”
They sat in tense silence. Rain streaked down the window next to them. Other students came and went. Normal people with normal problems.
“I’m scared,” Alex said quietly.
“Of what?”
“That no matter what you choose, we lose. If you stay, you resent me for making you give up your future. If you leave, we end.”
“We don’t have to end.”
“Long distance across the country? Really?”
“People do it.”
“Do we?”
Elias didn’t answer. Because they both knew the truth. Long distance was hard. Long distance when you’d only been together a few months was almost impossible.
“Let’s not do this today,” Elias said. “Please. Can we just be normal for a few hours?”
“Okay. What’s normal?”
“I don’t know. Talk about something else. Anything else?”
So they tried. Talked about books and classes and Des’s latest fashion disaster. But the weight sat between them. Heavy and growing.
After coffee, they drove to Elias’s apartment. First time Alex had been there. It was small. One room with a bed in the corner and books lining every wall.
“It’s not much,” Elias said.
“I like it. It’s very you.”
Alex walked along the bookshelves. Running his fingers over spines. Some were new. Most were worn and loved. Margins probably full of Elias’s careful notes.
“Can I show you something?” Elias asked.
“Yeah.”
Elias opened his desk drawer. Pulled out a small box. Inside were all of Alex’s letters. Six of them. Carefully folded and kept.
“You saved them,” Alex said.
“Of course I did. They’re important.”
Alex picked up the first one. The heart-shaped paper felt fragile now. Like history.
“I was so scared writing this,” Alex said.
“I was scared reading it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Someone saw me. Really saw me. That’s terrifying.”
Alex set down the letter. Looked at Elias standing there vulnerable and open.
“Can I kiss you?” Alex asked.
“You don’t have to ask.”
“I want to.”
Elias pulled him close. Kissed him soft and slow. Alex’s hands came up to grip his shirt. Holding on as Elias might disappear.
They moved to the bed. Just kissing. Nothing more. Elias’s hands were careful. Respectful. Never pushing for more than Alex was ready to give.
When they finally broke apart, both breathing hard, Alex buried his face in Elias’s neck.
“I don’t want this to end,” Alex whispered.
“Then it won’t.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“No. But I can promise I’ll try.”
They lay there for a long time. Rain on the window. Elias’s heartbeat under Alex’s ear. The world outside is distant and unimportant.
Alex’s phone buzzed. Des.
Des: Where are you?
Alex: Elias’s apartment
Des: Ooh. Should I be worried?
Alex: We’re just talking
Des: Sure. Talking.
Alex put his phone away. Elias was watching him.
“Everything okay?” Elias asked.
“Des being Des.”
“Does he think we’re doing more than kissing?”
“Probably.”
“Are we going to? Eventually?”
The question hung in the air. Heavy and important.
“I don’t know,” Alex said. “Maybe. When it feels right.”
“No pressure. I can wait.”
“What if you’re waiting for nothing? What if I’m not ready before you leave?”
“Then we figure it out. Together.” Elias tucked Alex’s hair behind his ear. “I’m not with you for sex, Alex. I’m with you because being with you makes everything else make sense.”
Alex’s chest felt too full. “That’s really gay.”
Elias laughed. Actually laughed. “Yeah. It is.”
They stayed like that until the rain stopped. Until Alex’s phone buzzed again with Des demanding updates. Until the sky started getting dark.
“I should go,” Alex said.
“Stay a little longer.”
“I have class at eight tomorrow.”
“Skip it.”
“Elias.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to leave yet.”
Alex sat up. Looked around the apartment. At the books and the small kitchen and the bed they’d been lying on.
This was Elias’s space. His home. And in three months, he might leave it behind.
“April first,” Alex said.
“What?”
“That’s when you decide, right? About the program?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you tell me something? Honestly?”
“Always.”
“If I wasn’t here, what would you choose?”
Elias sat up too. Looked at him seriously. “The program. I’d go. No question.”
“And now?”
“Now I don’t know. Because you are here. And leaving you feels wrong.”
“But staying might feel wrong too.”
“Maybe. I don’t know yet.”
Alex stood up. Found his shoes. Started putting them on.
“Are you mad?” Elias asked.
“No. Just processing.”
“Alex.”
“I’m fine. Really.” Alex finished with his shoes. “I just need to think.”
Elias drove him back to campus in silence. The tension from earlier has worsened.
At Alex’s dorm, they sat in the car. Neither moving.
“I don’t want to fight,” Elias said.
“We’re not fighting.”
“Feels like it.”
“I’m just scared. And I don’t know how to not be scared.”
“Me too.”
Alex looked at him. At his profile in the dashboard light. The way his hands gripped the steering wheel.
“I love you,” Alex said.
The words came out before he could stop them. Elias’s head snapped toward him.
“What?”
“I love you. I’m in love with you. And I’m terrified that in three months you’re going to leave and I’m going to be alone again and this time it’s going to hurt so much worse than watching from a distance ever did.”
Elias’s eyes were wide. Shocked. “Alex.”
“You don’t have to say it back. I just needed you to know.”
Alex got out of the car. Walked toward his dorm without looking back.
Behind him, he heard Elias’s car door open.
“Alex, wait.”
But Alex kept walking.
“Alex!”
He stopped. Turned around.
Elias was standing by his car. Rain is starting to fall again.
“I love you too,” Elias said.
The words carried across the parking lot. Clear and certain.
“What?”
“I love you. I’m in love with you. And I don’t know what that means for April or graduation or anything else but I know it’s true.”
They stood there in the rain. Twenty feet apart.
Then Alex was running. And Elias was running.
They met in the middle and kissed like the world was ending.
Maybe it was.
But for right now, they had this.