Chapter 95 The hurt I can't undo
Lisa's POV
I struggled to regain my composure as I saw that my apologies weren't even getting to him, he truly seemed unaffected by everything I'd said. As hard as it was, I tried to keep my eyes on him because I'd hoped he'd read them and find sincerity, but he barely looked at me while I spoke.
"I'm sorry for everything I did that's hurt you," I said but It seemed like the words had fallen on deaf ears since he didn't dignify me with an expression or response.
I watched Axel move the heel of his feet in an unusual rhythm instead of responding to my pleas, it felt as though my apologies had done nothing to calm him. Instead, it seemed to have gotten him angrier at me, especially now. But I needed to get through to him so I didn't have plans to stop apologizing just yet.
"I'm so sorry, Axel" I started to speak again and he shook his head as though he simply couldn't believe a word that left my lips.
"I really am, please," I re-emphasized but it did nothing to move him, he seemed hell-bent on sticking to his new impression of me.
"Everything was a lie, I swear. My family cornered me and pressured me to betray you" I blurted out and he looked at me in disbelief, like horns had grown on my head.
"I was under so much pressure, I had no choice" I continued but it did nothing to phase him, he remained expressionless.
"You have to believe me, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do" I blinked rapidly to push back the tears that had threatened to leave my eyes, I needed to seem believable not pitiful. "Please say something. Anything?" I asked because he'd been quiet the entire time while I'd been apologizing and confessing, after my request his eyes met mine again and I held his stare.
"I'd been under so much pressure, it was so hard having to pick between you and my family and I had an ultimatum so-" I paused as he let out sarcastic laughter, I figured out that he must be done so because he'd have picked me in a heartbeat but I couldn't do same for him.
My heart stung at the realization that I must've sounded like a hypocrite to him as I spoke, despite how sincere I was being.
I'm also certain that his guard was up against me because I'd manipulated him once and he'd rather not have it happen again, I would've built up walls in his shoes as well. But I desperately needed to get through to him and didn't know how since his walls were up and I barely stood a chance.
"Talk to me? I'm really sorry, Axel" He seemed to have flinched a little as I called his name softly, and I couldn't tell what that meant.
"See, yeah? Even if you're telling me the truth right now, it truly doesn't change a thing." He said in a deep low tone with his eyes on me, the sound of his voice was beautiful even while his words cut deep into my heart.
"It only goes to prove that you really didn't love me, not one bit." It was as though every word that left his lips was orchestrated to drive a knife into my heart, God knows I loved this man with my entire being.
I was about to respond but he beat me to it as he continued speaking almost immediately.
"Because if you loved me, you'd have never betrayed me like that even if you were backed against a wall by your family" He spoke gingerly as though the words hurt him as they left his lips which made my guilt grow even more.
"I can't make sense of the fact that you could've told me and we could've figured it out, but you chose to betray me instead" He impatiently ran his hands through his head in frustration and looked away from me for a moment.
I couldn't possibly offer a logical response for why I'd betrayed him instead of just speaking to him about what my family had asked of me. There were countless opportunities that presented themselves to me where I could've opened up to him, but I still didn't and that's on me.
"I'm so sorry, I fucked up and I can't justify any of the things I did, but I'm truly sorry for all of it" I relied on apologizing once again because an explanation would've only ticked him off further. "Betraying you is easily the worst thing I've ever had to do, it was also the hardest because it made me fall apart easily" I confessed, I really wanted to telepathically make him know how sincere and hurt I was, but that was impossible.
At that very moment, I remembered that he'd asked me why I spared his life when I'd never done that with any of my victims. Earlier, I'd tried to lie and he'd caught a whiff of it based on my hesitation so I knew that this was the best time to answer that question truthfully.
"You've been asking me why I spared your life unlike my other victims, the truth is that I couldn't bring myself to hurt you or end your life, it would've killed me too." He focused his gaze on me again and I could see his eyes soften for a moment after I spoke.
"Believe me, the fact that I'd been coerced into betraying you and hurting you the way I did broke me and must've hurt me more than it hurt you. I did-" my words got caught in my throat as he butted
in.
"You don't get to do that, ever," he raised his voice at me, moving up to me and coming into my personal space, "Ever!!! You have no right to trivialize just how much you hurt me with your betrayal," He sounded angry but he spoke in a low tone as though he was trying to keep his voice from breaking.
"It hurt me like nothing ever has. You have no idea, "I watched him shake his head and smile bitterly as he continued speaking.
"I've been shot a couple of times, I've been beaten up to within an inch of my life, I've been stabbed countless times," he got more into my personal space and the darkness of his eyes chilled my blood to ice, making my hands start to shake involuntarily.
"Do you have an idea how much stabbing hurts?" he sounded really hurt, extremely hurt and it made me realize for the umpteenth time just how much I must have hurt him, "how it feels like an iron clip is yanking at your insides and tearing your organs apart? And yet, none of them could hold a candle to how much your betrayal hurt me, physically and mentally so don't ever... don't ever trivialize how much you hurt me again.
"Nothing could ever compare to how much pain you caused me, no pain beneath or above this earth could." He rubbed his face in an attempt to calm himself and I has a glimpse of how bad opening up must've been for him.
I felt horrible that he had to relive his pain because of the conversation I'd pushed him into having. The only thing I wanted to do more than hold him right now, was to somehow take all his pins for myself, I deserved to be burdened with the hurt he was struggling with instead of him.
On instinct, tears brimmed my eyes without notice as every nerve in my body seemed to be pushing the floodgates of my tears open as I dwelt on how to hurt Axel seemed to be. The fact that I didn't seem to be helping by apologizing made me feel even worse and I began to tear up.
"Is there anything I can do to make it better? I'll do anything, I fucking swear" I sniffed while I struggled to blink back the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes as I spoke.
He shot me a glare the moment I'd finished speaking, as though what I'd asked of him was impossible and I should've known not to ask. It was as though he was a ticking bomb and I was clipping hopelessly at all the wrong wires while trying to diffuse his anger.
"Nothing." He replied coldly without bothering to look at me anymore, it also sounded like he was convinced that I couldn't possibly make things any better no matter what I tried.
I ran my hands through my hair because my chaotic thoughts were unable to provide a possible response after he'd told me off coldly. I'd genuinely expected that he'd offer me a condition and however impossible it seemed, I'd do anything to meet whatever it was he asked of me.
But that wasn't the case, the man I loved more than life itself seemed to be done with me.
And it broke me all over again, realizing that.q