Chapter 96 A Love too deep to kill
LISA
My heart crumbled in its cage, I felt painful whiplashes that almost felt like physical pain as my heart which had already ripped a couple of times, ripped again causing me to hold a hand to my chest
for support as I realized just how much I'd hurt Axel.
It was like a farmer's rusted sickle hook had been lodged in my heart and gotten stuck halfway, my entire body felt like it couldn't lift my weight for much longer. I knew I'd hurt Axel, that's what I thought and it'd made life miserable for me, but here I am finding out that I actually crushed him.
That realization tore me to pieces as I watched how hurt and angry he was, I had no idea that this man had loved me with no bounds. I'd known that his love for me was unconditional, but I didn't have the slightest idea that I had a hold on him that would've made him fight the world and give up anything just to be with me.
The fact that he'd have even chosen me instead of his family in a heartbeat replayed in my head and caused the sickle to painfully lodge itself further into my heart. Him saying that there was nothing I could possibly do to lessen his pain only put more weight on mine as well.
I'd not grown up in an emotionally stable home, I'd never experienced loved without conditions, I'd never been taken care of despite my flaws, I'd never felt the need to relax into my femininity, I'd never been someone's everything, but Axel was a package the universe sent my way with all of this and so much more.
So the pain from realizing that what he felt for me was much deeper than I could ever imagine, made me so fucking scared that I'd hurt and betray the man that made life make sense to me. It all came crashing down on me at that very moment, and it made a wicked chill run down my spine in fear.
Then he opened his mouth to speak again.
"After that night, did you know that everything would've fallen into place and we'd have finally been together?" He raised a brow as he leaned in a little closer to me like he'd needed his words to resonate clearly with me.
I shuddered slightly as his cold shadow hovered over me while he spoke. In different circumstances, this position would have me running an ocean underneath, but instead, this only made me, even more, scared that I'd never have the former with him again.
"I'd have finally gotten your father's blessings and we'd have never had to sneak around in public like we had to." His eyes shot momentarily like the memory of what could've been hurt him, I stepped back away from him slowly then.
He chuckled bitterly, "And guess how I'd have done that?" I had no idea how, but I knew it would only fuel my guilt further when he revealed it.
"I was more than ready to sacrifice an integral part of my territories just to be with you, I didn't even care what my family would think" He revealed as he struggled to conceal his breaking voice, and I was right-my well of guilt that I'd been harboring deepened like crazy.
"Do you have any idea how desperate I was to be with you? And to do it by the book? I would've given any territory your father chose, not giving a fuck what it'd cost me" The anger he'd been trying to mask seeped through his voice as he spoke and I moved back a little further.
"But guess the fuck what, Lisa? While I'd been ready to do all of that, you were intentionally driving a knife through my back." He moved back and ran his hand through his head in frustration, a frustrated hiss also left his lips as he did so.
I felt like I had to say something at this point, nothing that I'd tried earlier worked, but I still felt like I owed him a better explanation than I'd provided earlier. Words had failed me over and over, but that was all I had since I couldn't make him feel just how truly sincere I was being.
"Axel, please I-"
He'd abruptly cut me off as though he couldn't stand to listen to any of what seemed like meaningless facts or lies to him.
"You might think that your eavesdropping means something. Does the fact that you've found I still feel about you means anything? You're wrong" He said sternly with a piercing glare, almost like he'd been daring me to think otherwise.
"It means nothing, not to me-- so you it shouldn't to you either" He finished, maintaining his piercing gaze on mine.
"Even I can admit that I'm nothing but a thoughtless motherfucker who can't bring himself to torture you, despite everything you've done" He rubbed his chin out of habit and hesitated for a while, but nothing could've prepared me for what he'd said next.
"-- I can't bear to lay a finger on you because I'm still so fucking in love with you, so much, it's sickening to my very bones." He choked out his words as though he couldn't bear the weight of them as his confession left his lips and traveled through my ears.
I felt like my throat had closed momentarily as I heard him use the L word to refer directly to me in the present tense, my heart melted right before it broke for him all over again. Axel still loved me? How on earth could I ever be deserving of his love? Just fucking how?
"But I can promise you, it still doesn't change the fact that I'm completely irritated by your presence at the moment. Something has blinded me such that I can't stand the sight of you" He spat calmly, as though he didn't just indicate that he hated that he still loved me.
My eyes bulged in realization, he didn't hate me for betraying and hurting him, he hated himself for not being able to hate me or hurt me in return despite it. He hated himself for loving me, just as I hated myself for hurting him.
"Don't you forget that?" He cemented the last fact he'd thrown my way in a stern voice, in that same moment he turned to leave as though my presence was a nuisance and he'd needed an escape,
soon.
I lightly pulled on the fabric of his shirt to stop him in his tracks before I spoke loudly.
"My father isn't likely to fall for any of your plans, Axel" He flinched under my touch, withdrew from it quickly, and turned around as soon as I'd said that.
"He might not seem like much of an opponent, but he's very cunning and smart during negotiations" I continued as I noticed that I'd caught his attention.
"He also knows that you're still in love with me..." I began but quickly trailed off as Axel shot me a warning glare at the tense I'd used.
I readjusted my sentence immediately, rushing the words out better.
"Sorry-- He also thinks that you're still in love with me, and he's convinced that that's what gives him an upper hand when it comes to you." I kept his gaze as I finished speaking, his forehead had
creased in annoyance.
He hissed," that's none of your business, last I checked and you should've never invaded my privacy by listening in on the entire conversation."
His hands found his hair again for his signature frustrated hair rub and sigh combo, my experience yes dropped to the floor for a moment knowing that it was directed at me.
"I'm just trying to make things hotter and I didn't mean to but I don't regret finding out how you felt" It had trinkled my quilt and hurt hut it had also given me the faintest litter of hone one that I
"In total sincerity, there's nothing you could possibly do or say to make things any better since you fucked it up in the first place."
He huffed in annoyance and I could also cry from how exhausted and weighed down my heart felt as I kept hitting cold doors while trying to get to him.
He lowered his gaze on me again, "so just stay where I've placed you instead of roaming around and poking your nose right where it doesn't belong"
I looked up at him and our eyes locked, but he wasn't as soft and pleading as mine. They were angry, stormy, and unwavering as they stared right back into mine.
"Once I get my shipment back, I'll make sure to let you go unharmed to your family and we'll never cross paths--" I teared up uncontrollably as he spoke.
"--And I'll make damn sure that I put an absolute end to the fantasy of us that never came to be." My knees threatened to give way under me as I watched him angrily storm off after he'd said those
world like they meant nothing.
Something inside me snapped beyond repair.