Chapter 29

Sophia

It made sense. I understood it all.

That shadow that crossed Kieran’s face whenever he mentioned kids? The pain I saw in his eyes when he talked about family? I knew what it was.

A missing piece of the puzzle fell into its place, making all the other parts come together, creating a perfect symphony, a picture so clear.

I realized why Kieran practically forced me into marrying him and never gave me a shred of a logical reason for it; why he was always distant and didn’t allow me to get to know him; why he deflected my every question.

Our eyes were locked with each other; mine welled up with tears while his dark skies were clouded with anticipation, disappointment, and something that resembled… fear? Yes, I was sure. It was fear I saw in Kieran. It was fear that pushed him to act so unexplainably crazy.

He was scared. Mighty Kieran King was afraid of me, of me rejecting him. Not because of his dominating and controlling personality or the way he treated me or even my past, no, but because of his medical condition.

I was so taken aback by this discovery, by what Kieran had just admitted to me, that I had no idea how to react, what to say, or what to do. I honestly didn’t know how to process this, what to think of it, and, most importantly, how to deal with it.

But when the look on Kieran’s face changed, when it got gloomier and darker, I realized he misunderstood my shock with rejection.

Would I reject him?

The answer to that question was straightforward. No.

Why? Once again, I had no bloody idea, but I was sure of one thing - I wasn’t going to leave my husband for something that caused him so much pain.

And right then and there, I realized the most important thing: this man that was standing in front of me, this man that held me in his arms, this man that caused me pain and suffering, a man that hurt me in more ways than one - he was my husband. It took me months to get here, to see him for who he was to me. It took me months to accept him and his forcefully self-imposed role in my life. But Kieran was my husband, and despite everything, I had no intention of letting him go.

I reached for his face again when I felt him pull back, and I propped myself on my toes so I could plant the most gentle kiss on his lips.

It was the first time I initiated the kiss, and I knew Kieran didn’t miss its significance. A deep rumble came from his chest when I touched the brim of his lips with my tongue, and he pulled me impossibly closer to him. He returned the kiss swiftly, turning it from chaste into the one that drove me to lose my mind in the middle of his office.

With each move he made, Kieran only added to the fire, threatening to swallow me. It took all the power I had in me to break away from his hold so I could catch a breath and calm my raging heart.

Coming to my senses, I found myself sitting at the edge of the table with Kieran nestled between my thighs. With no recollection of how I got there, I started laughing, and to my surprise, Kieran laughed too. I’d never heard him laugh so wholeheartedly before, and my heart swelled with some unknown emotion, knowing I was the reason behind it. It was different… something about him felt different.

At that moment, Kieran seemed so close to me, so approachable and human-like that it gave me hope he could act like a normal person, so I dared to ask again: “Tell me, Kieran, what happened between you and Nora? What did she do to you?”

Right after those words left my lips, I realized just how big mistake it was to say them out loud.

Kieran’s facial expression changed; it changed for the worse, and my soul trembled at the sight.

He stepped back away from me, and I suddenly felt cold. It was like he took the Sun away with him, and there was nothing left to warm my Earth. But the fist of winter that squeezed my heart was far more menacing.

“Get out!” Kieran grunted in a low, threatening voice. When I didn’t move, bewildered by his tone and sudden change in demeanor, he repeated, roaring: “Get out!”

With disappointment sinking deep under my skin, I got up on my wobbly legs and hastened out of the office. I had one goal and one goal only, and that was to be alone so no one could witness my break down.

“Sophia!” I heard Clara call out my name. “Are you OK?” but I ignored her and dashed towards the restroom.

Entering inside, I locked the door, sat on the toilet, and let it out. I let it all out.

A flood of tears gushed out of my eyes, and I had no way of stopping it. It overpowered me, overwhelmed me, and I had to comply. I surrendered myself to the river of sorrow to carry me wherever it may, so I wouldn’t drown in the currents of pain that encircled my heart. So I wouldn’t have lost the fight against whirlpools and vortexes that the fast waters of my life created. So I would survive.

I lost. I reached out to Kieran, but he didn’t reach back. For a cruel moment, I thought that maybe, just maybe, we could be something more than this! But he obviously didn’t want the same thing. Over and over again, Kieran would give me hope and then cruelly crush it.

I was always the one that got hurt. And this time, it hurt the most because I foolishly believed we could have a future together.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

But it had to stop!

I had to stop.

I leaned my head to the side and pressed it against the tile wall, enjoying the cold that spread from my forehead to the rest of my body. It brought clarity and acceptance of where I really stood with Kieran. And the reality was - nowhere. We were nowhere, and we could only go one way from there. Nowhere.

I hoped to feel relief after I released all the sorrow, but my hope was in vain. I was empty and drained of all strength.

Because even though I had no tears left to cry, my heart was still broken into a million little pieces I had no energy to pick up.

It seemed as if eternity passed before my heartbeats returned to normal and my yelps subsided. Only then did I get up, went to the sink, and found myself in the mirror. The woman staring back at me looked like a wreck, like she had been flushed out by a flood... Her deep blue eyes were void of every emotion. She was an empty shell, a remnant of the person she once was. Where were her strength and willingness to fight for all she held dear?

I splashed cold water on my face to reduce redness and the swelling characteristic of a post-crying phase. I still had to get home, and there was no fucking chance I was getting there with Kieran.

Home.

I almost laughed at the joke.

No, I didn’t have a home. The house I lived in for the last couple of months could never be more than a prison with golden bars.

Returning to my office, I saw the worried face of a dear friend. However, I couldn’t answer her silent questions. I just gave her the sign that I was OK before I picked up my things and hurried out of the company like all the demons from hell were after me.