Chapter Thirty-One-2

"Really? That's great!" I applauded. "I think it will really benefit you." He returned my enthusiasm full force. "I think so too." The pair of us remained silent whilst staring at each other, wordlessly conveying our happiness through the use of eye contact alone. I always did worry about Ben's growing rage and couldn't express how relieved I was that he was finally getting the support he required. It couldn't have been easy to control and I completely respected his decision to seek professional help. I bet Zoe thought so too. "We'll be okay, won't we?" he asked, genuinely concerned. His voice shook ever so slightly and his eyebrows pulled together is what looked to be an agonising clench. "Of course we will be, Ben. You're my big brother and I love you more than life itself," I ensured, struggling not to waver. I was far too emotional these days. "Good, I love you too," he breathed, leaving his position to squeeze the life out of me. We hugged like brother and sister, saying all that was needed to be said through the language of movement. His huge arms engulfed my entire frame and pulled me towards his fast beating chest, unapologetically so. There, he continued to hold me and only let up when the sound of my post's arrival interrupted us. "Shall I top us up?" he questioned, gesturing towards the pot of coffee I had stewing on the side. "Sure," I smiled, feeling much lighter in myself when collecting the usual letters. My bank statement stared back at me with as much enthusiasm as a slug running a marathon. My mortgage just about cleared me out every month and my car was currently getting its yearly MOT down at the garage, meaning I was broke with a capital B. There was one other letter amongst the pile that I didn't recognise as any government documentation; its hand written address and first class stamp saying as much. I knew immediately who it was from and struggled to act casual with Ben so close by. Dear Rosie, Oh, no! I contemplated not reading it but knew my curious mind would never allow for such a thing. I didn't know why Will felt the need to write me a letter and struggled to come up with any rational reason behind his attempt to reach out. Perhaps he was hurt or required my assistance with something? Either way, I could see no good coming from reading it but that didn't stop me from doing so anyway. I've thought long and hard about writing this letter and in the end, decided to bite the bullet. When meeting you, I never would've imagined falling in love and I certainly didn't think I would be lucky enough to have you love me back. I've never experienced such a connection with anyone else and in all honesty, it scared me. I felt so undeserving of your love and because of this, I threw it all away. His need to sabotage our relationship out of fear had never truly entered my mind, though why, I didn't know. I could kick myself for not seeing the signs earlier. He was clearly ending things out of moral standing as opposed to doing so for the 'greater good' and that hurt me more than ever. That he felt so undeserving. He went through life carrying guilt and clearly felt happiness was an emotion deemed unattainable. The guys and I are prepping for the tour and although I should be excited, my mind refuses to express such an emotion when I'm deprived of the one thing I want more than anything. You. I want you, Rosie and I know that makes me selfish but I don't care. Your relationship with Ben is so important to me and I'd never knowing risk that. I convinced myself I was doing this for you and him, when in reality, I was being a coward. I'm grieving, Rosie. Getting over your Dad's death is something I can never see happening but I promise to always honour him and hope I can do that by actively making his daughter the happiest woman to walk this earth. Your anger towards the situation made me realise how stupid and selfish I was being. I was so focused on punishing myself that I didn't stop to think about how this was affecting you. Song 41 are kicking the tour off in London tonight and I want you there. We're in the UK for a month before heading to the States and I want to spend all my free time with you until then. I know our relationship can handle long distance and hope that you agree. I'm constantly traveling but I'm determined to make it work if you're willing too? I'll fly you out whenever you have rest periods at work and I'll do everything in my power to be with you whenever I can. We'll talk on the phone every day and when the six months are up, I'll buy a house in Oxford where we can spend all of our time together. I'll let you grow your own vegetables and I'll happily sample all of your wonderful creations. I snorted through my need to giggle, proud that my cooking had left a lasting impression. All this talk about a serious relationship was making me excited, though I couldn't ignore one VERY big issue. Ben. I'm asking (begging) you to take a chance on us. Come tonight and we can make a start on the rest of our lives. I love you, Rosie. Yours always, Will xxxx The need to cry weighed heavy on my shoulders, though I just about held it together for the sake of my audience. Will was openly asking for a second chance and I wanted, more than anything, to say yes. "You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost," asked Ben, bringing our coffees over to the table. "Fine," I lied, seconds away from bawling. "I'm just nipping to the loo," I stated, purposely hiding the letter between two cook books on my way out. Why was timing never on my side? What kind of person would I be if I pursued a relationship with Will, moments after Ben confessed to needing professional help? I'd only just made amends with him and couldn't let him down now. I couldn't risk his recovery process. He admitted to having anger issues and I refused to make that worse by factoring my own selfish needs into it. Slowly, I flushed the chain and proceeded to wash my hands, creating the allusion that I was indeed using the toilet. I emerged soon after and discovered Ben waiting for me in the kitchen, desperately scanning my hidden letter at my table. He'd obviously retrieved it from the book and although an intrusion of my privacy, I understood his need to seek answers. "I want to go," I admitted, desperately trying to read his expression. "Why's that?" His ocean blues seemed relatively relaxed, though I knew better than to believe it. "You know why," I answered, busying myself with the pot of coffee. "I love him." I had no more to say and decided to keep my mouth shut, mindful of Ben and his need to perhaps think things through. He never was one to possess such a quiet nature, so his silence was bordering on painful. "You better go then," he instructed, finally gifting me his thoughts. "What?" I twisted in my stance and upon doing so, almost scalded my hand on the burning hot object. I could barely comprehend what he was saying, let alone act upon it. "You should go, Rosie. Tell him you love him and that you want to be with him." "But-" "No buts. It's about time you did something with yourself in mind for once," he claimed, suddenly standing from his seated position. "I'm happy if you're happy and if Will makes you happy, then so be it." "But what about us? What about you?" I asked, frantically trying my hardest not to pass out from sheer excitement. "We'll figure it out, Rosie. I'm not sure how but we will. In time, I'll learn to accept you and him. Maybe I just needed to beat him up that once to get it out of my system?" "Are you serious?" I yelped, ignoring the tears free-falling down my cheeks. "The fact you even have to ask is proof that I've been a shitty cousin. Do what feels right, Rosie. Do what you want to do." His statement was met with my dramatic need to hug and kiss him, followed by me freaking out with regards to tonight's travel. My car was sat in the garage, in no hurry to be going anywhere soon. That left the opinion of taking the train, which seemed the most plausible choice. I'd no doubt be staying with Will tonight anyway and therefore, needn't worry about my return. Although, that did mean I'd be sharing a bed with him, bringing forth another, slightly personal issue. Having no other option, I flew straight into my bathroom and readied my razor. "Ben!" I yelled, running the water on my bath. "Yeah?" "I love you!" Before he could respond, I shut the door to my bathroom and grabbed my shaving cream, fully prepared to go all out. Rosie Montgomery; number one people pleaser. Not a pushover.