Chapter Thirty-One-1

I used to imagine losing my virginity in some meaningless way and in all honestly, the thought never appealed to me. Call me delusional, but I envisioned myself falling at the feet of a man I loved and succumbing to the most earth-shattering of nights. Luckily for me, that was exactly what happened. Will had all but made love to me for the entire evening and although running off of two hours sleep, I couldn't now bring myself to waste another moment. "What do you suppose is the most anyone has had sex in one night?" I asked, tracing the detailed rose on his left pec. "I'm not sure. Why? Wanna break the record?" he smirked. I wish! "Maybe not. I'm pretty beat," I smiled, kissing each of his flushed cheeks. Each one was rosy red in colour and held the beginnings of a deep stubble. "I bet. You should have a bath later. They're good for aching muscles." I refrained from telling him that I only held desires to bathe with him, knowing he had to be on his way soon. It was saddening to think he would be gone in a matter of hours, though I refused to let it get to me. "Thank you for coming back," I whispered, hiding my face from his view. I had no idea where my embarrassment came from and struggled to grasp just what point I wanted to make. "I'll admit, I was worried when you shut the door in my face. I thought you were still angry with me," he admitted, tilting my head by forcing my chin upwards. "I am still angry," I replied, offering up honesty. "I feel like you gave up too quickly." "My Dad said the same," he smiled, squeezing my waist. "I go on tour in a few days." "Is that supposed to justify you throwing away our relationship?" I asked, feeling far too sassy. "No," he smirked, seemingly enjoying my new found confidence. "I'm torn between two decisions, Rosie." "Too bad you didn't consult in me first. I could've helped. It does involve me, after all." He simply laughed. "I love this new found confidence. I love yo-" "No, don't!" I pleaded, emotionally unprepared for such a revelation. Grabbing me by the waist, he proceeded to bury his face in my hair and inhaled just enough to see him through the rest of the day. I knew he was preparing his goodbyes and my selfish mind wasn't quite ready for it. Would I ever be? "Okay, beautiful. But just know that I do. Very much." His non-statement did very little to comfort me. "I know." "I need to get going," he regretfully informed, filling me with dread. "I know that too." His gaze captured me completely and reflected that of my own sorrow-filled expression, painstakingly so. How such a wonderful night could be ruined by the departure of one man was beyond me, yet that was exactly what was happening. I didn't want to say goodbye to Will but understood my need to do so. He couldn't live with the added guilt of causing Ben and I to fall out and I respected that. I wasn't keen on factoring into more of his sadness and knew that in life, we didn't always get what we wanted. I may not have liked Will's decision but I had to accept it. "Don't hate me, Rosie," he pleaded, seemingly desperate. "I don't hate you, rock star," I began, kissing his shoulder. "It's the situation I hate." My statement lingered in the surrounding air, reminding us both of how far we'd come. I said those exact words to him the first time we spoke by my Dad's grave and meant it as much now as I did back then. "How about you stay in bed and I just slip out. If we make this a big deal, it'll only hurt more," he suggested, running his hands up and down my naked body, as if to imprint my exact shape on his mind before leaving. "Okay," I agreed, pulling him in for one last kiss. "I'm glad you were my first," I added, mumbling my gratitude against his lips. "Even if I am still angry at you." "I'm glad you're angry. It shows you're standing up for yourself," he prided. "And I'm glad I was your first too. Last night was the most amazing night of my existence," he expressed, leaving me with one swift kiss before redressing. Once fully clothed, he knelt next to my position by the bed and caressed my cheek with the back of his hand, lovingly so. Then, going against what I previously told him not to do, he mouthed an exaggerated, 'I love you,' before exiting my bedroom completely. I listened out for the front door shutting and upon hearing it, I lost all resolve and cried like a baby. I cried because for the first time ever, I felt truly alone. Rosie Montgomery; number one people pleaser. Number one pushover. #### Ben appeared slouched in my kitchen chair as he nursed his mug of coffee, skirting around what he really wanted to say. "How's work?" he asked, awkward as ever. "Fine. We're still understaffed but we manage," I smiled, coyly sipping my own bitter concoction. I was taking my coffee minus the milk today; the way Dad would always drink it. I happened to hate the taste but wanted to feel closer to him in some spiritual way and in doing so, my taste buds we're suffering. "That's good then," he replied, strained in his attempt to smile. This was ridiculous. We were cousins, yet resembled that of complete strangers. I had never not been on good terms with Ben and the fact that we were not speaking cut deeply within. "I hate this, Rosie. Us not speaking is killing me," he admitted, unsure of himself as he shuffled around in his seated position. "Me too," I whispered, ignoring the call for more milk. "I just figured you needed some space. I know I hurt you but I've been hurting too." "Zoe said I needed to give it a few days," he admitted, seemingly solum. "I'm in her bad books still." I could only laugh. "Is she making you suffer?" I asked, deeply impressed by my best friends need to stick up for me. "Oh, absolutely! I'm an egotistical prick who has no consideration for those around him, apparently. Although she does still love me. She never goes to bed on an argument and always tells me she loves me." Oh, Zoe. "I don't want to come between you two," I expressed, keenly offering him my thoughts. "You're not. She's only telling me what I need to hear. The truth is, I'm angry, Rosie. I'm angry because the one man I looked up to as a Dad is gone. I blamed whoever I could and Will seemed like the obvious choice." "I understand that," I replied, reaching for his hand. "I've decided to get help. Professional help." His revelation shocked me, though I was certainly happy to hear he was ready to address the issue.