Chapter 8

“Alright,” I said and got out of the car when we finally arrived at my place and I turned to him before he could leave. “I had fun. Thanks for teaching me how to play… I honestly wasn’t exactly sure what we agreed to you asked me during P.E.”

“No, sorry I didn’t show you how to play soccer, but I thought maybe volleyball would be better. I just thought you would have liked to join in, but it was good that you hung around afterward to let me teach you,” he said. “It wasn’t all bad right?”

“No… it did start to hurt as you said, but it was interesting learning,” I tell him.

We ended our conversation there and I went inside deciding to start working on my homework first before doing anything else. Time went by fast and before I knew it I was in bed already done with everything that I had to do. I thought about today and was already feeling exhausted, but that could be because I’ve never done any sort of exercise like I did today for a while. By morning, I was awake while my mom was making breakfast so I made sure I was able to see her before she left and I told her about the practice which made her happy; it felt like she wanted to hear something good that’s happened at school.

“Would you want to continue playing?” she asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t think so. It seemed fun, but I’m only going to be wasting their time if I tried out.” I said looking down at the apple I grabbed from the table.

“It’s not a waste of time if they want to teach you,” she said as she was eating. “Elliot didn’t think he wasted his time teaching you.”

“I know. I didn’t mean it like that.” I said as I moved to sit down across from her and took a deep breath. “I just don’t think I can take any type of sport seriously.”

She smiled softly, “Well, if they want you to keep trying and you want to try as well then why not? I say do what you want and have fun if you want to continue learning.” she tells me.

I thought about it before turning to her. “I'll think about it and see what I want to do,” I answered her.

She finished eating and I stuck around until she had to leave for work. I went to my room to lie down for a bit before it was time for me to get ready for school and I made my way down to the sidewalk waiting for Elliot after I ate. I zipped up my sweater feeling a little cold and I stood there staring off as I thought about a few things. I thought about the things I have told Elliot about my past relationship, the things that happened, and now the idea of going out with him. There was so much that was going on that I felt like I wasn’t getting a breather and I couldn’t tell it was just the thoughts but it was giving me an overwhelming sensation.

“Michael! Come on,” I looked up hearing my name and saw Elliot calling me and I moved to get inside his car. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, putting on my seat belt. “Guess I’m still tired.”

“Are you sure?” he asked as he started driving.

I was quiet before shrugging my shoulders. “Yeah, or maybe I’m just not feeling well today,” I said.

He was quiet for a while until we arrived at the school and he parked the car. “Would you rather me keep my distance? I mean, if you rather be alone...”

I turned to him and shook my head, “No, I don’t want you to pull away because I don’t feel well.”

“Okay,” he said.

We started making our way to class and, honestly, time went by so fast during the day that I hardly said a word to anyone or I just didn’t want to say anything to begin with. What was wrong with me that I felt like this? I sighed as I decided to go through the day as smoothly as I can until science class and I saw David sitting at one of the tables near the back. I froze for a second by the door hoping that he wouldn’t bother me today then I noticed Alex came over to me pulling me to an empty table for us to sit.

“I didn’t know he’s back already,” I said as I put my bag down and turned to her.

“Don’t give him any attention. He probably won’t get involved or he’ll get in trouble again; maybe expelled with his record.” she tells me.

I looked down at my book and nodded, “Yeah. Hopefully he’ll just ignore me and that’s it.”

I thought about it and knew that she could be right about David not needing an excuse to be expelled, but I don’t think that will ever stop him from doing something after school if he ever catches me out of school ground. That thought actually scared me more than it should have because it seems like David can be an aggressive person and that was the last thing I wanted to deal with. I was quiet during class as I was thinking about these things and when I went to P.E. the teacher had us do workout exercises; luckily that kept us all busy until the bell rang. I could tell that Elliot was watching David and I also made sure I was nowhere near him the rest of the day. I didn’t want there to be any incident and for a second I thought I saw David walking over to me so I quickly turned away when I was entering the locker room.

“Hey, Michael!”

I looked up and saw Luis, the boy that was talking to be when Elliot was teaching me how to play volleyball.

“Hi.” I said.

“I didn’t know you also have P.E. with us,” he said walking with me to the locker room now that class was over.

“You have a class with Elliot, right? With the team?” I asked.

“Yeah. We’re trying to get as much practice before the game this week,” he said. “Are you coming?”

“I think so,” I answered.

“Cool. Are you going to practice again after school? We’re having some private lessons today.” he said.

“Um, no. I was thinking of going to my tutoring lessons at the library.” I answered.

“Why? Having issues in your class?” he asked.

“No… I mean, I did because I was transferred so I was a bit behind and my friend offered to help me catch up.” I tell him.

“And how is it going now?” he asked.

“Not so bad. I understand things better because of her help, and I’m passing my classes.” I said and he walked me to my locker.

“Well, why not drop it and come hang out with us?” he asked. “I’m sure studying would be so much better, but it’ll be cool to come over and join us.”

I paused for a second after I grabbed my backpack then turned to him. “You want me to come by?”

He smiled and nod, “Yeah. Look if anything, I can always convince the coach to have you be our equipment manager so that way you can come to our games.”

I was confused again, “They still have that?”

“Yeah. Sometimes we don’t have people for it, but we can have one if we need to,” he said and I walked him to his locker now so he can get his things.

“But… why?” I couldn’t help but ask.

Luis changed and once he grabbed his backpack we both started making our way outside as he paused for a second before responding back.

“Honestly, I saw Elliot inviting you to join us yesterday… And I can tell you that you want to join. I wondered about why you don’t just come during our soccer game. I saw you at that time too and we didn’t mind teaching you until Elliot explained about your situation.” he said. “But when I saw you coming over to learn and I thought maybe you want to do more than just learning to play… I hope I’m not throwing this on you.”

I took a breath as I was a little lost of words. “I never thought about joining a team or even considering playing a sport professionally because I never thought it would be possible,” I told him and saw Elliot walking over towards us. “I have to think about it…”

“About what?” Elliot asked.

“I want Michael to join our team as the equipment manager so we can have him come to the games and we can also train him,” he said, turning to Elliot as he explains. “I thought it would be a good idea to run through the coach and he can also join our rally games when we play for spirit week next month.”

I turned to Luis shaking my head. “Play? No, I can’t do that. You never told me that.”

Elliot looked at me before turning to Luis. “Maybe we should just do one thing first and see if Michael even wants to join,” he tells him. “Michael is still not used to crowds and I don’t want this to affect him that he might not ever want to bother seeing a game.”

Luis' smile faded for a second before nodding. “No, right. I’m sorry. I didn’t think of that.” He said turning back to me. “I didn’t mean it like that and I got over my head with it.”

“It's fine… I’ll think it over, but I’ll let you know later on what I decide.” I tell him.

“Alright. Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you around.” Luis left and I just felt a little overwhelmed by the sudden change in our conversation.

“Sorry. Sometime’s Luis gets overly excited.” Elliot said.

I glanced over at him and shook my head. “No, I was just confused when he brought up the rally and he didn’t mention that part. For a second I was curious about it all, but I got thrown off in the end and honestly it made me not want to be involved anymore.”

He reached out to grab my shoulder to stop me, “Hey, let’s just pause for a second.” he said as he had me face him and I took a deep breath. “You’re going to make yourself stressed out if you keep thinking about it like it’s all going to happen right away. First we need approval from the coach before you can even join in and the rally game is for team members so there’s no way that they’ll allow you to play. You won’t be involved in any of that so there is nothing for you to be worried about.”

I listened and tried to figure out what to say. “Yeah, your right. I shouldn’t jump into conclusions like that.”

“It’s okay.”

“I forget that when playing with a team you have a crowd that comes to watch as well and I don’t think I’m even ready to have people watch me. I don’t think I can play by having people look at me.” I tell him.

“But you wanted to improve yourself right?” he asked.

“That doesn’t mean I can do it all at once,” I try to explain to him. “Just because I say I want to improve doesn’t mean that it can happen all at once either.”

“I’m not saying it like that,” he said and paused for a second before putting his hands on my shoulder again to make sure I was focusing on him as we’re walking to his car. “Just think it over and you let me know what you want to do. It’s okay if you don’t want to do it in the end. It’s okay if you don’t want to practice anymore or come join our practice. It’s okay if you don’t want to do any of that. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Just do what you want or what will be fun for you.”

I just didn’t know what to say to him as I looked over at him and took in his words. What can I say to that? I stared at him for a long second before I paused then slowly moved to wrap my arms around his waist as I hugged him. As embarrassing for a guy to hug another guy, I wondered when was the last time I hugged someone besides my own family? Or let someone hug me. I felt him hugging me back and I suddenly didn’t want to let go of him just yet. I didn’t care too much if people saw me because at this moment they didn’t matter and maybe I was just overwhelmed with the words he just said to me.

“Thank you,” I tell him.

“For what?”

“Just for saying that,” I said as I slowly let go of him.

I didn’t know what to say and Elliot seemed a little surprised as well like he didn’t know how much his words had meant to me at that moment. I don’t think many people can understand how that felt having to be told that what I can’t do is okay or shouldn’t feel forced as well.

“Come on,” he said as he put his arm around my shoulder again and we both started walking back to his car.

I just couldn’t think of anything to say before seeing something that almost changed my mood. “So, David is back,” I said as I saw him leaving the school lot with his group of friends.

Elliot nodded as he started driving once we got inside his car, “I know. I saw him out in the field today.” he said. “He didn’t say anything to you right?”

“No,” I answered. “I was staying away from him as much as I could when I saw him in class. I didn’t want to deal with him after everything that happened.”

He nods, “Yeah, I don’t want to deal with that either.” he said. “Are you afraid to be on your own between classes?”

I shrug my shoulders, “No. Both Alex, Karen and Jennifer are around, but I don’t want them to be involved. I’m sure David won’t hit a girl, but I still shouldn’t have them nearby if he tries to pull something. It's also more of him trying to run into me after school again.”

“But you're always with me so you don’t have to worry about that,” he added.

“Well, you can’t always be there. You’re going to be busy with volleyball and I have my tutoring after school.” I said.

Elliot was quiet as he thought about this and turned to me. “You’ll really be okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said as we came to my place and I paused for a second before getting out. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” he said.

The rest of the week went by easily and I wasn’t too sure how it would go after finding out that David is back in school, but he seemed to be ignoring me which I had no problem with. While I was in my tutoring session after school, Elliot was at practice, and it became a usual routine for us since we’re always waiting on each other. Sometimes I would go over and watch them practice, but I stopped practicing with them and I can tell Luis wanted to come over to try to convince me to join in. He would always greet me when we walk into each other and see how I am, but he no longer brings up about playing with the team or about his ideas about the equipment manager position; which I wasn’t looking into. Friday came, Elliot and I met up as we were walking to our P.E. class outside in the field but I remembered that he had his volleyball game today.

“I won’t be able to meet up with you after school,” he informs me.

“It’s fine. I was still planning to come to see you play.” I tell him. “Jennifer and Alex are staying to watch so I’ll be with them.”

“Yeah?” he asked. “You’ll wait for me after the game?”

I nod, “I can wait.”

We parted ways when we heard the teacher blowing their whistle calling the students in for roll call and while I walked towards my class; Elliots made his way to the gymnasium. I went over to Jennifer and we passed time by running a few laps around the track then our teacher allowed the class to spend the rest of the time on the basketball court. I watched the guys play and Karen joined us as she sat beside me while she was talking to the other girls and I wasn’t listening in on their conversation until they called me.

“After we change, we can meet you in the front so we can go in together.” She said as I turned to her.

“Alright.” I said.

“But the junior varsity team would still be playing, right? We can always go to the market across the street and grab snacks then come back.” Jennifer said.

“That’s true.” Alex agreed.

“I can wait for you guys and save some seats,” I said. “I kind of want to see Luis play.”

“Ohh, I hear he’s good,” Karen said. “I had him in my class a few times and I’ve seen him play baseball before trying out for volleyball.”

I smiled. “You like him?”

“Well, I’m not gonna say no.” she giggled. “He’s a nice guy.”

Once they were gone I shyly made my way inside since it’s my first time going to a school game and tried to find a good spot in the middle of the bleachers where there was a view to watch. There weren't a lot of people watching the game, but it was a good crowd that came to cheer for the home team and it was good to be able to sit alone for a while. I looked around the court until I saw Luis on the left side of the court in the position as a setter and during the time he was playing, the girls came back and I was already into the game. I was trying to explain who was winning, but it didn’t seem like they cared who had the highest score or the cool plays that happened. In the end, the junior varsity was lucky enough to win the game by two points.

Everyone was off the court now and were cleaning up, having it prepared for the varsity to play. We took this chance to eat some of the snacks that they brought and they brought me some gummies. Luis came over to us after he finished chatting with his team and I made room for him to sit beside me. I think it took the girls by surprise, but it was nice of him to come over and I think he was happy to see me as well.

“So what did you think?” He asked.

“It was awesome. I’ve never seen a game before so it looked cool and you guys were so fast.” I tell him.

“Thanks. A lot of us played previous years and while some of them are fast learners for beginners,” he said.

I nod as we saw the team walking up to the court and I can spot Elliot right away from the group. He waved at us and I smiled as he started warm-up with the rest of his team.

“So, you seem like your okay being out here?” Luis asked.

I glanced over at Luis before turning to the court again and shrugged my shoulders, “I’m trying to not think about it honestly.” I told him. “If it was more crowded, I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I have so far. If I can keep my focus on something then it’ll be easy for me to block everyone out.”

He nods, “I see… Is it that difficult?”

I press my lips together before turning to him, “It can. I sometimes have a hard time with it depending on the situation and the position that leads me to. It honestly feels like I’ve been challenged enough in many different situations that I already know what I can handle and what I can’t.”

“Yeah, I noticed that when I saw that fight between Elliot and David. I was confused about all that.” he said and sighed heavily. “Well, I’m glad you came to watch even if you don’t want to play. I won’t bring it up again unless you want to talk about it.”

“I… I might want to try learning more… but not now… Maybe with time and less pressure…” I said looking down at my hand. “If you want to help me, that is…”

Luis smiles, “Yes, of course! I mean, yeah, you still have a lot to learn but it’ll be fun. We’ll take our time and within time you’ll play well.” He said and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “That doesn’t mean I’ll go easy on you when it comes to tryouts next year.”

I smiled, “Alright.”

Luis let go of me as he patted my back when I saw Jennifer glancing over at us curiously and for a second I thought it was Karen that liked him. The game started and it lasted for more than an hour and during the game, Luis was breaking down to me how the game was playing out, and why the team didn’t get the score on certain plays. We clipped with the crowd when our team scored and once it was down to the last point our school won the match by a landslide. Luis had to leave to regroup with the team and we got up getting ready to leave the building.

“I’ll see you guys on Monday,” I said as I parted ways with them.

“Alright!” they said and made they’re way out of school grounds.

I stayed where I was until Elliot walked over after coming out from the locker room and he smiled, “We won!”

“Congrats,” I replied as we made our way towards the parking lot.

“So, ready to go on the date you asked?” He said as he unlocked his car.

I paused for a second as I had forgotten that I had asked him out or I thought he had changed his mind and I haven’t thought about what we can do. “Where should we go?”

“How about we go eat first?” I asked, as an excuse since I don’t even know what you do on first dates. “Are you hungry?”

“Oh, yeah, let’s do that.” He said as he started his car after we got inside.

We were quiet for a while until we finally arrived at the city’s outlet mall and looked around to see where we could eat. We finally came to a chain restaurant; I stayed in line with him to order and found a table to sit at. I don’t know if it was just me but it felt a little odd trying to consider this as a date and yet Elliot seemed to be enjoying himself as he talked the game. I didn’t mind the conversation since he was excited and it was nice just listening to him.

“I had a lot of fun watching,” I said. “It all seemed so intense doing certain moments in the game, but everyone seemed to be having fun.”

Elliot smiled, “Well, there are people on the team that take it seriously and want to continue after high school.” he tells me. “I don’t take it as seriously as that, but I like to play. It sometimes feels nice knowing that I can play well and I’m winning for my team.”

I nod as I thought about this, “I told Luis that I might want to try out for next year.”

“That’s great to hear. I hope it wasn’t because we were putting pressure on you,” he said.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I was having fun as you were teaching me and after watching Luis play then seeing you play… For once I want to join a game and also have fun.” I said and took a deep breath. “Everyone before gave up on asking me to join them or never bothered to ask so I always wondered how it feels to play with a team. I want to know how it feels to win a game.”

Elliot watched me before leaning over to hold my hand. “Then we’ll help you. Luis and I or anyone else on the team and within time you’ll be comfortable to try out.” He said. “If you want to play then go for it and have fun while trying.”

I nod my head as I couldn’t help but notice that Elliot had reached out for my hand and yet it seemed like he wasn’t aware of his own action. Maybe it was a response that he might not meant to express it romantically, but I couldn’t help feeling that butterfly feeling in my stomach and we finished our conversation there to make our way outside to walk around. Elliot walked beside me as we debated on what stores to look at then just found a place to sit as we figured out what to do next. I wondered if Elliot was ever nervous to consider this as a date because usually when we hang out we try to think of things to do and now he seemed flustered on how to continue this date. I sat back on the bench kind of wishing I knew the area to give suggestions and looked at the people shopping before glancing over at him.

“Since today was the first game, wouldn’t you be celebrating with your team?” I asked him. “I don’t want them to be upset that you ditched them.”

“The team? No, it’s fine.” He said, shaking his head. “They wanted to go to a party at someone's house so I don’t mind passing it up.”

I looked down and played with the edge of my jacket. “Parties aren’t that fun.”

He glanced over at me before chuckling, “What do you know about parties?”

“People drink, smoke, and music blasting that you can’t hear each other. There’s a lot of obnoxious people...” I gave him examples. “I can’t socialize with people so I don’t like to go to those kinds of parties.”

Elliot laughs, “That all sounds too crazy. Too much if you ask me. Yeah, there’s alcohol, but my teammates only enjoy it with close friends, playing some games, and just hanging around. We don’t do any of those excessive smoking activities and become a drunk mess. Well I don’t because I find it dumb and it’s not a party if you behave that way. For the team, we can get kicked off if they ever find out or our behaviors become inexcusable.”

“You can?”

“Oh yeah, and you know better to not risk it unless you don’t care about playing.” He said.

I was sitting for a while as we both became silent again and I thought about the idea of hanging out with a group of friends. I watched people passing by and it made me curious about a couple of things. I first imagine what kind of party there is besides the ones I've gone to and then I saw a group of teens passing by laughing loudly. They were a bit in the way that people had to go around them and I felt like I was staring for too long.

“I hate that…” I mumbled.

“What? This date?” Elliot asked, chuckling. “Sorry if it's boring.”

I blushed as I looked down, “No, I didn’t mean that.” I said.

“Then what were you thinking?”

I glanced over at him before clearing my throat, “I kind of meant to say that quietly… I guess I get a little annoyed when I watch people… Sometimes I wonder if I can ever be like them…” “And be like what?” he asked. “Normal?”

“Yeah," I answered. “Being able to go out with a group of people, doing things like everyone else and just not worried about… everything.”

“Aren’t we doing that now?” he asked me. “We went out to eat, chat, even looked at the stores just like everyone else is doing right now. Isn’t what we’re doing normal? When we went to the beach, didn’t that feel like something normal people would do?”

I glanced over at him before looking at the shoppers, “Yeah…” I said quietly. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“So are you annoyed that we’re doing what everyone else is doing?” He asked.

I shook my head, “No.” I mumbled as I thought about it.

Elliot reached out and wrapped his arms around my shoulders to pull me closer to him. “Then you don’t have to feel like that.”

“It's just… It doesn’t always feel like that all the time.” I said, blushing at how close he’s holding me.

“I know, but it doesn’t have to be like that now, right?” he asked as he still held me and I wasn’t too sure how I felt since he doesn’t seem like the type to show affection like this.

I took a deep breath, “I don’t know… I don’t know anymore.”

“It’s okay if you’re not sure now,” he said and he slowly let go of me; maybe realizing that he’s been holding me.

“I hate it because, before when I tried to do what everyone was doing it never worked out and it felt like people just didn’t want me around.” I tried to explain. “That’s why I stopped myself from reaching out to people because it was safer. I just want it to stop.”

Elliot looked at me in silence before glancing away, “Did you stop reaching out to people after he hurt you?”

I realized what I said and I cleared my throat as I slowly got up, “Um, no... I think we should call it a night.” I said, quietly.

Elliot reached out to grab my hand. “You said something like that once before. The way you say it makes it sound like you want to give up.”

I looked down, “It doesn’t.”

“Come on, Michael,” he said. “You don’t have to lie to me. I think you can trust me enough to tell me.”

I stared at him before slowly moving my hand out of his hold. “I haven’t thought about anything like that if that’s what you're curious about. I don’t have to lie because even if I wished it, it doesn’t mean I want to give up so easily now.”

Elliot got up and put on arms around my shoulder again as he pulled me closer, “That’s all I want to hear from you. I don’t want you to give up when you are barely trying.”

I couldn’t help resting my head against his chest; it felt warm. “I don’t think people understand how it feels to consider suicide and to also fight to survive. Even the thought to me is difficult to understand because I still don’t get why I have to be like this. It’s such a struggle.”

“And yet you're saying that you want to still live even after all that.” he replied.

I looked up at him as I kept holding on to him and I must have been bewitched by the moment because I leaned up to him as I kissed him. It was a small kiss because I did it without thinking and it didn’t accrue to me that maybe if Elliot was comfortable enough to take that step just yet. When I realized what I did, I pulled away unsure if I wanted to see his expression or to look around us. I never did something like that before or to even kiss someone in front of a crowd; be it two men kissing.

“I’m sorry,” I said, taking a step back. “I don’t know… I didn’t mean to…”

I was trying to figure out how to apologize when I felt Elliot raise his hand to cup my face so I can look at him and it's now his turn kissing me now.

“Don’t be sorry.” He whispers.

It took a lot for me to process that he returned the kiss and that I also was the one that initiated the whole thing. When have I ever done something like this before? Is it possible to like someone after just knowing them for two months? It really is too soon and I don’t know why I'm starting to panic as these thoughts suddenly go through my mind. I turned my head away from him a little embarrassed now and I tried to breathe as I tried to figure out why I was feeling this panic all of a sudden. I saw Elliot’s confusion for a second before he sighed softly lowering his head so that his forehead was pressed against mine pulling me back to him.

“You're okay?” He asked me.

I looked back at him, “Yeah.”

“You want to go home now?” He asked.

I nod my head as he slowly pulls away and he reaches down to hold my hand.

“Let’s go then.” He said.

I watched him for a long second as we started making our way back to the car until I realized that people were looking at us like I expected after my stunt and I looked down until we were inside the car. Elliot finally let go of my hand and we sat there quietly until he started the car pulling out of the parking lot. We kissed… We kissed and it wasn’t what I thought it would be, but it was also more than it felt. Was it always supposed to be like that? Gentle and soft; that feeling where I didn’t want him to let go. He drove me home and I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. He kissed me back because he must have liked it right? Or would he be uncomfortable later when he’s alone and doesn’t want to do this anymore? Maybe I ruined it all.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asked, breaking the silence as he parked in front of my house.

“Nothing…”

“Let’s hang out.” He asks me. “Let’s go on another date? This time we’ll have more time to do things and we’ll have a better plan.”

I turned to him, curiously. “You still want to?”

He smiled, “Why do you sound surprised?”

I shook my head as I tried to find the words to say. “I’m just… Um, yes, I want to go out tomorrow with you.”

He continued to smile at me as I unbuckle myself, “Alright. Then I’ll see you tomorrow. Now go inside and good night.”

I turned to him and I couldn’t help but smile back, “Good night.”

Flashback 2

It's been a couple of weeks since I’ve been hanging out with Chris and I honestly was enjoying that time alone with him. He’s different from the other guys in the class and he never cared what people had to say to him. It was like he decided on the people he wanted to talk to and would tell people the honest truth even if it was something that they would dislike. It took me a while to open up to him, but in time it was easy to talk around him knowing that he wouldn't judge too or dwell on certain matters. The only thing I didn’t like about him was his stubborn personality; he’ll get mad and sometimes gets into fights with the other students. He’ll warn me about the people I have to be careful with. He had a few enemies so during lunch we’ll spend our time together in case they’ll bully with me and the possibility of getting hurt.

“If they ever talk to you, I’ll fucking kick there ass.” he would say. “You have to watch out for them.”

“What for? I don’t even know them.” I said.

“They don’t care about that. They see who they can hurt and go after them,” he said and wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to him. “I’ll always protect you.”

I think Chris always enjoyed feeling wanted or having someone around him who he could protect. Maybe that’s why he also had that sort of attitude when we hang out. I noticed that his behavior is always different compared to his friends in class and he’ll continue to spend time with them for a while until he’ll pull me away to spend our time alone. I was watching them play basketball after school. I didn’t join because I was still shy around other guys in class even though it’s already the end of our eight grade year; a whole year has passed since my transfer. It's been over an hour that Chris has been playing while I sat here waiting for him and when finally tired he walked over to me wiping his face with his gym shirt.

“Bored?” he asked.

I shook my head, “No. I like watching you guys play.”

He sat down beside me while handing me a water bottle when I never asked for one. “I’m obviously better than them right?” he asked. “Or you saw me make that last shot right?”

“I saw,” I said as I looked at the water bottle after I took it; I wasn’t thirsty.

“Yeah?”

I nod turning back to him. “Yeah, I wish I can play like you.”

He reaches out to ruffle my hair, “You should just keep watching us play. Come on, let’s go.” he said and got up grabbing his backpack.

I followed beside him as we’re leaving the school grounds. “Are you going home now?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he answered, turning to me. “Want to come over?”

I didn’t answer right away because no one has invited me to their home since I started school here. “Sure.”

I knew it was getting late, but dad wasn’t home if I were to return right now and there are times he doesn’t come home until eleven so in a way there was no harm hanging out with him for a bit. We walked for fifteen minutes, talking and laughing at some silly things until we arrived at his house. It was a long white house with plants sitting by the front door and I noticed we walked to an empty home. We made our way to his room putting down our backpack by the door. We entertained each other by turning on his game console and I sat beside him in the bed being completely distracted as we played a few rounds. I wasn’t too sure how long we were playing; maybe an hour or two. He won more times than I did, only because I stopped playing after a while, but it was nice being able to play again with a friend.

Chris won the game for the fourth time in a row and I put my controller down, “That’s it. I can’t beat you.” I whined.

Chris laughed as he laid down beside me as we both abandoned the game now. “You just suck,” he tells me.

I rolled my eyes and I felt his arm reach out to ruffle my hair playfully. “I should get going soon,” I mumbled.

“Stay longer,” he tells me.

I didn’t know how to respond but turned to look at him. “I can’t. My dad is going to get mad at me.”

“Come on, don’t leave just yet.” he said as he slowly leans towards me.

I didn’t know what he was going to do because his face is so close to mine until I realized the situation I’m in and he was going to kiss me. I laid there as he pressed his lips on mine while his hands moved cupped around my face and I didn’t know what to do as this was my first kiss. My mind was running with tons of questions as I thought a guy would never kiss me. That Chris was could be gay. No, wait, when did he ever like me this way? Chris didn’t pull away, I honestly was still surprised to even react to the situation that we’re in. I’ve never kissed before, so what am I supposed to do from here?

I didn’t feel it completely wrong as he was being gentle with me, my mind was foggy as I tried to breathe, and I raised my hand putting it over his shoulder pulling him closer. Our lips parted for only a second as he moved to pull me to sit up and now my heart raced wondering what else he was going to do. He leaned over moving his lips to the side of my neck and I never knew the sensation it was giving me, but at the same time I felt like he wanted more than I was comfortable with and I rushed a hand up to push him off me. Why? Why am I feeling like this?

“Stop.” I finally said as I tried to gain control of myself. “No more.”

Chris didn’t listen to me as he went back to kissing my lips. “Michael, you know I like you right?” he asked.

I just felt his lips on mine again as if he wanted to show me that he does. “I know...” I mumbled.

When he wouldn’t stop, I slowly got up unsure of what this all means, pushing him away, “Let’s stop.” I tell him again.

“Alright.” he said and there was an awkward long silence between us.

I reached for my backpack and he walked me out of the house, stopping at the front door. I wasn’t sure what exactly happened? He opened the door for me, I stepped outside, the fresh air that was helping me think a little clearer as I turned to him.

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” he said. “We should hang out again now that the school year is almost over.”

I looked at him, blushing at his invitation. “Yeah-I mean, yes. We should.”

I took one last look at him before turning away as I start making my way home and I can still feel my face redden from the event that just happened. When I arrived home, Dad wasn't home yet so I went to my room laying down on my bed and I thought about what we did. We kissed; he kissed me and I kissed him back. So, what does that mean between us? Is that just it and nothing else? Did I want something else like a relationship? I never thought of Chris that way; yes I was admiring him. He was cool, good-looking, outspoken, but did I ever want us to be more than just friends? I grabbed my pillow and buried my face into it as I blushed furiously as I recall how it felt.

“He said he likes me...” I mumbled to myself.

The next day I arrived at school, taking a seat at my desk trying to sort out my books because I accidentally brought one that I didn't need and I noticed two of the boys in my class walked over to my desk. With Chris’s warning lingering in my head, I wondered if they were looking for him or were they coming to pick a fight with me. I looked down at my books feeling shy as they stopped at my desk and I know the year that I’ve spent at this school none of the other boys ever approached me.

“Hey, do you have time to play basketball after school?” one of the two asked.

I was still confused for a second before turning to them. “Me?”

“Yeah, we're short by one person so we wanted to see if you wanted to join.”

“I'm not good at sports. I'm sure you've seen me during gym. I think it's better to ask someone else.” I said, but flattered that they were considering me.

“Well, we have, but we still wanted to see if you would be interested anyways,” he said. “We have two basketball players in our team so I'm sure they don't mind giving you pointers before we play if you want.”

I was still surprised, but it seemed nice of them to invite me and it made me want to join in. “I mean if it's like that then I wouldn’t mind.” I mumbled.

One of them was about to say something when there was a loud slam next to us that made us all jump and Chris taking his seat beside me after putting his bag on his desk. I didn’t see him when he entered the room and I wondered if he thought they were trying to pull some trick on me. He pulled his chair closer to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as he turned to face them. I wondered if he was mad that I’ve been approached by a group that he’s warned me about or that I wasn’t alone to spend the morning with him before the bell rings.

“He's not playing. You shouldn't be forcing anyone if they don't want to,” he said telling them with a straight face.

I felt small under his arm and he sounded so forceful that the guys started to look a little nervous. “It's okay," I said. "Maybe it's better to find someone else in the end.”

“Yeah, we’ll find someone. Don’t worry about it.” They said as they walked away and Chris slowly let go of me to grab his books.

“You didn't have to scare them off. I wouldn't have minded taking the lessons they offered.” I tell him.

“For what? It's a fucking waste of time,” he said.

I stayed quite unsure of what to say and turned to him, but I decided to change subject. “About yesterday…”

He turned to me as he hung his backpack behind his chair. “Yeah?”

“You're not messing with me right? Like you meant all that we did yesterday?” I asked him.

He sighed as he moved his chair to face me and reached out to grab my arm, “Have I been lying to you?” He asked me.

“No,” I answered feeling shy again. “In my last school, I was bullied and people tried to hurt me. I’m just…”

“Scared? I’m not a kid like them and what happened yesterday was real. I meant all that and I rather just keep all this just between you and me. You can trust me right?” he tells me.

I looked down listening feeling like this was supposed to sound like a confession and I’ve never had anyone say those kinds of words to me. “I believe you,” I said, nodding my head. “I trust you.”

He gave me a smile and leaned closer to my face, “So that means your mine?”

I felt his breath on my face and I couldn’t help blushing as I stuttered a bit, “Yeah.”

He looked at me for a long second and I wasn’t sure, but I felt like he wanted to kiss me or it could be me wanting that.

The bell rang, students walking to their desk and he finally turned away leaving me to focus on my classwork. After a while Chris fell asleep a few times during the day and I would glance over at him still wondering about my feelings towards Chris. But he’s become so obvious that he would catch me off guard like when he brushed his fingers over my arms or lean a little closer to me when he had the chance and I didn’t know how to react. No one has ever touched me this way before and I’d blush from his attention. The day felt so long until the final bell rang and I was making my way out of call wanting to go home now.

While walking out of the school, Chris spotted me so I waited for him so we could walk together when he wrapped his arms around me and I almost pulled away. There was still a group of students making their way out that I wasn’t too sure if we should be seen in a romantic way. I think I was still scared of being messed with like the kids did to me last year. Chris stopped walking when he noticed my hesitant expression and I looked away.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me.

“It’s nothing. You just surprised me.” I told him as I still couldn’t look at him.

“Why? You don’t like it?”

“No, I’m not saying that,” I said turning to him.

“Then what is it?”

“I don't want the attention on us. I told you what those kids did to me…” I said.

Chris sighed as he started walking, “I don’t think that would happen again while I’m around. I think when they see me the other kids won’t bother to try anything.”

“You won’t know that for sure when I’m alone.” I said as I started following beside him.

Chris reached for my hand and held it, “I guess we’ll see. Now, come on. We’re going to my place again.”

I didn’t have a chance to say anything as he started leading the way, pulling me along with him, and during our walk we were quiet. Like last time, there was no one home and I wonder if he spent most of his time alone when he’s home. We barely entered the room when he pulled me to lean against the already initiating and began to flounder me. I almost pulled away because I didn’t think this would happen instantly and I felt a slight rise in panic feeling his hands over my waist. I moved my hands to grab his arms, stopping him, and he looked at me confused.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked as he leaned over to kiss me softly.

I didn’t know what to say to his sudden act of affection and I didn’t even accrued to me that he would want to do more.

“Want me to stop?” he asked again when I didn’t respond back.

I shook my head trying to focus on what was going on between us and I didn’t want to show how nervous I felt . Maybe because I felt so small in front of him, I was afraid that my inexperience would ruin this new relationship that has sprung between us and will grow tired of my hesitant behavior. I felt his hands holding me by the waist and I decided to put my hand around his shoulders when I suddenly his hands went under my shirt like yesterday.

“Wait,” I said as I tried to breathe.

“For what? Are you getting shy again?” he asked as he began to raise my shirt trying to pull it off.

“It's not that,” I said as I tried to stop him from removing my shirt. “Isn’t this going too far?”

Chris laughed as he pulled me to the bed and had me sit down, “It’s okay.” he said as he took off his own shirt.

I didn’t know what to say as he kissed me again and he was fine with leaving my shirt on. I was glad that we didn’t do anything besides making out for a while and I felt his hands running over my chest as if he wanted to just fill my body. I wanted to trust him and I want to believe that I’ve been timid from my past to take that step with him. After a while, we were laying on his bed, he was on his phone while I watched him wondering a few things. I don’t think I can keep up to him if he thinks we’ll be doing this everyday if we’ll be seeing each other more during the summer. I checked the time on my phone and realized how late it was getting so I started collecting my stuff and Chris finally looked away from his phone to watch me.

“Are you leaving already?” he asked.

“It’s already past seven. Aren’t your parents going to come home soon?” I replied, curiously .

“They aren’t always around so it doesn’t matter. It's not like they care when I bring someone over,” he said.

I paused for a second after grabbing my backpack and turning to him. “Have you brought other people over?” I asked, hoping he knew what I meant.

He rolled his eyes, “I only meant that they won’t get mad if you stay late.”

I took a deep breath, “Okay, but I should go.”

Chris walked me out after I fixed myself and he made sure to give me one last kiss before I started heading home. Considering how late it was when I came home, my dad was a little mad, but luckily it wasn’t enough ground me and I kept myself in my room doing homework. I wasn’t too sure going over so often would be a good idea if he tries to have me stay longer than I should or more than just making out. The next few days passed, I wasn’t too sure if Chris was being a little overprotective or I was overthinking it because he started to dislike when the other guys started to talk to me.

“Why do you keep bothering them?” Chris asked as we started walking home.

“I wasn’t. They only asked about the class assignment since the year is ending and they needed to catch up on some assignment.” I said.

“And they would rather ask you and not the teacher?”

“Why not?” I asked, confused. “I have good grades compared to them and maybe you as well.”

“They just want to wate your fuck time thinking they’ll pass the class and you were acting stupid by going along with them.” He tells me.

“What?” I said, confused at what he said.

“You don’t think that? Why do you think they kept following you around and wanting to be alone with you,” he tells me.

I thought about it for a second before shaking my head, “No, I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way and you don’t have to say things like that as if it’s wrong.”

Chris reached for my arm stopping me from and pulled me closer to him. “Do you think I’m fucking lying?” he said as he gripped my arm.

I was taken by surprise as I looked up at him. “No, I’m not saying you are and you're hurting my arm.”

“Then don’t talk to them anymore. You don’t need them chasing after you like cats in heat.” he said as he still held on to me and I can see his serious expression as he tells me this. “You told me the other kids at your old school teased you and humiliated you, right? I’m only trying to protect you and not let that ever happen again.”

I watched him as I wasn’t sure how to respond to that and he let go of my arm finally then leaned over to kiss me on the cheek.

“Come on, let’s go home.” he tells me.

I wasn’t too sure what were these feelings I am having after hearing him say those words to me or the entire conversation as a matter of fact. When he was holding me I felt my chest tightening as if I could feel his anger or annoyance towards me, but when he kissed me it was as he wanted to comfort me. It had me confused on what I’m supposed to believe while Chris knows them longer than I have and maybe he is trying to protect me from another incident. He walked me home and for a minute he wanted to come inside, but I didn’t want him to know what time my dad will be coming home and I don’t want to see if he’ll be mad if he sees me home alone with a boy.

The next day Chris was talking to his friends and I kept my distance from everyone else feeling like the conversation actually affected me more than I thought. I wasn’t too sure what to do as I sat at my desk trying to distract myself when I saw the guys who invited me for basketball walked over to my desk. I kept my head down as I recall our conversation and now it felt like I couldn’t trust them if they were to pull me away from the classroom. I don’t think I want to handle any more events for a while and I just want to spend the summer myself then finally enter high school. Entering high school will finally make things more better and maybe things will be easier with less childish people around.

“Hey, so you want to join us this time during lunch?” they asked once they were in front of my desk.

I paused for a second and glanced over to see Chris watching us while still talking to his friends. “Um, no, it’s okay,” I answered. “You should probably ask someone else instead.”

“Come on, what else are you going to do?” they continued to ask.

“I just can’t,” I said as I grew nervous trying to find an excuse to say before Chris would interrupt again like last time and tried to seem busy.

They stared at me for a long second before they started walking away.

“Man, why did we waste our time asking? Let’s just leave him alone.” I heard them say.

I picked at the edge of the paper feeling this fast pounding on my chest when I felt a hand reach over mine and Chris leaned over to me once they were gone.

“I told you, you don’t need them,” he whispers and I saw that his friends had left him alone.

Before I could even try to think of something to say the bell rang for class to start and he pulled his hand away. Honestly, it felt like I was saved by the bell and I tried to take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves because I was only thinking about what Chris said to me. I’ve seen him lash out on people and I wasn’t too sure if it would be directed at them or me again if they didn’t leave right away. Was he even lashing out at me and I’m just thinking that he is?

The rest of the day I spent it by myself trying to focus on my studies after Chris left me alone during lunch and I didn’t bother looking for him. After school I went to the library to return a book that I checked-out and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to walk home with Chris today today because I still felt a bit uncomfortable if he tried to have me go to his house again. I began to make my way upstairs to class trying to grab my backpack from my locker and took a deep breath.

“Hey, Michael!”

I turned around seeing one of the guys from my class walking up to me and I tried to remember his name.

“Caesar, right?” I asked “Yeah. Let’s walk together.” He said as he approached me and I closed my locker. “I’ve been wanting to talk with you.”

“About?” I asked, curiously.

“It’s nothing much, really. We have the same classes together, but we never talked all year.” He answered and he gave me a small smile. “I wanted us to be friends and hopefully hang out more once we start high school.”

I glanced over at him before looking at the ground, “Yeah, that’ll be cool.”

“I saw you walk with Chris the other day and I go that way too. Mind if I join you guys?” He asked.

I paused as we came to the door, and I saw Chris already waiting for me. “I’m not walking with Chris today… But how about I meet you in front of the school? I just remembered I need to grab a book from my locker. It won’t take long” I said.

“Sure. That’s fine.” He said and walked away.

“Where were you?” Chris asked.

“At the library,” I answered.

“And him?” He asked as he looked at Ceaser.

“We just bump into each other,” I told him as I glanced over at him before turning to Chris. “I don’t know him.”

Chris didn’t say anything and I wondered if it was a good idea to hang out with Caesar, but no one has asked to hang out with me since they tried to invite me for basketball during lunch. Maybe I only wanted another friend to talk to aside from Chris and for a second I wondered if I needed a little space between us as well. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a big deal walking home with someone else for one day and I like the idea that Caesar wanted to keep in touch after the school year is over.

“Come on.” He said as he grabbed his backpack from the ground.

“I’m not walking today,” I said as I looked at the ground. “My dad is picking me up.”

“He never picks you up.” He said, confused.

“He messaged me during lunch saying that he got off early. I forgot to tell you.” I said.

“Alright.” He said and began to make his way out of the classroom.

I waited almost five minutes before heading outside again and I looked around as I made my way to the front of the school. I shouldn’t feel guilty that I lied, but I felt like Chris wouldn't have agreed to let Caesar join us or even wanted to talk with him if he joined us. I saw Caesar at the front of the school like I asked and waved at him once he saw me. We walked for a while and it was honestly a nice change talking with someone that has a few things in common and that kept our conversation going until it was time to go our separate ways. I waved at him walking towards the direction of my house before someone had reached out to grab my backpack from behind me and caused me to fall back hitting the ground.

I looked up and saw Chris behind me. “What? Where-”

“You fucking lied,” he said as he reached out to grab the collar of my shirt and pulled me up.

“No. It is not like that.”

“How the fuck is it then?” he said as he pushed me against a fence and I felt my chest tighten as I looked up at him.

“I knew you wouldn’t want to walk with us,” I said as he still held me by my shirt and he wasn’t letting go.

“You didn’t even ask. Is it because you're interested in him now?” He asked.

“No!” I said. “It’s not like that. I just wanted to hang out with someone without the pressure... No one has ever wanted to hang out with me and he did.”

“Yeah, and you think I want to hang out with my friend? Do you see me push you aside so I can be with them.” He asked. “I thought we would tell each other everything.”

“It's just… Every time someone tries to talk to me you always scare them off.” I tell him honestly. “It’s sad that I can’t get to know them without you terrorizing them.”

Chris looked at me before he started laughing. “Me? No, it’s not that. You just want to pick them over me now. What’s the fucking point of our relationship if you only want someone else to replace me?” he asks me. “I saw the way you were looking at that fucker.”

I stared at him confused. “What? No, I’m not trying to replace you. Caesar is just a friend and you shouldn’t be saying things like that as if I don’t consider your feelings.”

“Are you sure? I just can't believe that you lied to my face,” he said reaching his hand to brush over my hand seeing a bruise when I fell. “Are you sure that you only want to be with me then?”

“I do. He doesn’t mean anything, but a friend.” I said and I felt my hands reaching to clutched the edge of his jacket. “I’m sorry I lied. I won’t do it again.”

He leaned closer to me as he kissed me, his lips lingering a little long, and felt his hands cupped around my neck. I looked up at him as he has me under his hold, “I’m sorry too. I just want you to myself. You know I love you right?”

I was still trying to process what he said as he started kissing me again and he was being gentle as he was kissing my lips to my cheeks then to my jawline. Did he say he loves me? Did I? If he’s like this with me is that because he was showing that he loves me? My mind was foggy as I could only focus on his lips and I think he was making me crazy too. I wanted to say something back but I was a little distracted and I was just lost of words.

“You know I only care about you,” he whispers as he kisses me again and I was a little surprised at the attention that he was giving me. “Michael?”

I was in a daze as I tried to focus on his words. “Um, yeah.”

“Go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.” he said as he pushed me to continue walking.

I stumbled a bit as I turned to him for a second. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I continued on walking until I made it inside my house and went to my room to lay down as I sighed heavily. What was that? What just happened? I reached for my pillow and held it closer as I recall everything that happened. I raised my hand as I brushed it over my lips and just recalled how it felt, but wasn’t he also being a little too much that he waited by my house like he was spying? No, maybe I was being obvious and he caught on knowing that I was lying to him. I spent more of my summer spending time with Chris as he would take me out to hang out with his friends as they play basketball at the park or we’d go to the movies; actually we went to the movies more and I wasn’t complaining.

Before we knew it, high school began and I was happy that Chris was in my classes and so was Caesar. The next few weeks went by fast and Chris spent most of his time with his friends during lunch while I hung out with Caesar. Chris seemed more fine with me hanging out with him while after school Chris spent the remaining time with me as we still continue to walk home together. Everything was fine that it seemed like our relationship grew and that nervous feeling finally eased a little. We were always alone when we had the chance and a few times it felt like we were hiding away from everyone.

“I want to tell Caesar about us,” I tell Chris as we’re walking home.

“What for?” He asked.

“We’ve been together for more then a year and he’s been a good friend. I don’t want to keep this from him.” I tell him.

He chuckled, “So? Just because your friends with a guy doesn’t mean he needs to know. What if he laughs at you or gets disgusted by it? You're going to ruin your friendship like that?”

“No, I’m not trying to risk my friendship. I don’t think he’ll react that way either.” I said.

He pulls me close. “Why can’t we keep it between us? I always like keeping you to myself.”

“But it feels like we’re hiding.”

“And? I always tell you that I don’t care what everyone else thinks.” He tells me.

“But what about me? Doesn’t it matter what I say?” I asked him as I stopped walking.

“Why are you acting like this? Since when the fuck you want to tell people?” He retorts. “Weren’t you the one scared to come out to people or afraid of what people think?”

“I was, but that was in middle school and now we’re in high school. It’s completely different now” I said as I looked down for a second before turning to him. “ I think I’m comfortable coming out now and I’m with you.”

He laughed as he started walking. “You're like a fucking girl. All confident now they have a boy toy around their arms.”

I reached out to grab him, frowning.“That’s not funny, Chris. I’m trying to be serious. Why do you have to be so rude? Weren't you the one that said ‘I love you’ first?”

He pushes me so I can let go of him, “Me being rude? Who are you to decide about coming out without even asking if I want to? I was never going to tell the guys that I hang out with and we don’t even know what they think about you.”

I hesitated for a second before asking, “What do they say? What do your friends even think about me?”

He sighed. “That you're a loner who depends on me cause you couldn’t make friends. They already think your gay. You're too sensitive about it all so I never bothered telling you.”

I didn’t know what to say before I took a deep breath. “And what do you say? You don’t let them say all that about me right?”

He rolled his eyes, “See, you are sensitive about it. Don’t you think they’ll talk shit about me if I'm always defending you?”

“You're my boyfriend. You're supposed to defend me.” I said and I was growing more upset as I thought about this.

He stared at me before shrugging his shoulders as he started walking again. “You're too much. You always want something and it’s not enough. Everything is never enough for you.”

I watched him before I moved to shove him. “Your such a fucking dick.”

Chris turned around grabbing me by the shoulder pushing me against the wall. “And you're a little bitch.” He retorts as he raises his hand to hit me across my face. "It's always 'me, me, me' with you."

I was taken by surprise when I saw him raising his hand again so I shoved him off me trying to get around him, but he grabbed me again with both hands gripping my shoulders and leaned me against the wall. The fear rose inside me so I tried to move away from me and I accidentally fell to the floor hurting my wrist when I tried to catch myself. Chris was breathing heavily as he looked down at me before reaching for my arm and I slapped his hand away as I couldn’t look at him.

He looked around before reaching out again picking me up. “I’m sorry.” He said as he began to clean my pants.

“Don’t,” I mumbled, slapping his hands away and I fixed myself.

He left me alone for a long minute before turning to me again. “I’m sorry. I just got angry and I didn’t mean all that.” He said as he reached out to hold my hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I didn’t say anything but I slowly pulled my hand away.

“Come on. We both said a lot of things we didn’t mean.” He said as he pulled me close kissing my cheek from where he hit me. “I’m sorry.”

I just didn’t know what to do or say as I stood there and I think I was shaking from the shock, but I think he must have mistook me for feeling cold as he took off his jacket and put it over my shoulder so I could wear it. I watched him as I kept my mouth shut feeling uncertain if I wanted to say anything that could get him mad again and I couldn’t forgive him for his action or behavior.

“Go home and put ice on your face. I’ll come back in the morning and we can walk to school tomorrow.” He said as he zips up the jacket that he put on me.

He leaned over to kiss me and I couldn’t kiss him back, but it seemed like he didn’t mind my quiet reaction either. I quietly made my way inside my house right away and went straight to my room feeling like I’m about to burst out into tears. I honestly couldn’t remember what happened the rest of the night beside me having an ice pack on my cheeks and laying in bed skipping dinner because I didn’t want my dad to see me. It wasn’t like he hit me hard, but I think because I was surprised by it it felt like it stung. By morning, I woke up feeling tired from yesterday's event and I took my time getting ready remembering that Chris will be outside waiting for me.

I wasn’t ready for him just yet.

“Hey.” He said as he saw me walk over to me.

I reached out as I tried to return his jacket.

“It’s fine. It’s yours.” He said as he pushed it back to me. “Doesn’t everyone want to wear their boyfriends' sweater?”

I looked at him a little surprised at how nice he was and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to make up for what happened yesterday.

He started putting the jacket on me after pulling off my backpack and leaned in to kiss me. “You look good wearing it.”

I couldn’t help but blush at his words and I slowly pushed him off me. “I’m still mad,” I said, quietly.

“I know. I’m gonna make up for it. I promise.” He said as he reached for my hand and started walking me to school.

Are we going to be okay? I slowly walked beside him before turning to him unsure of what to say. We walked for a few blocks still holding hands and once we neared the school I slowly let go of it. He didn’t say anything as we walked past the front entrance and made our way to our first class of the day. I sat at my seat and he walked over to talk with his friends. It was like he wanted to play off that we were well and it feels like we are just keeping a distance now.

“Woah, what happened to your face?” I turned to see Caesar walking over to me.

“Nothing. I just fell after I got home.” I said, putting a hand over my cheek. “It's just a little red so it’ll be gone soon.”

“Yeah? You should be careful.” He said as he looked at me closely.

I glanced over at Chris, who was watching us, and I turned to Caesar trying to smile.. “I know. That’s why I don’t play any sport. I’ll probably fall on my butt or worse.”

The bell rang, Caesar went to his seat while I took this chance to just focus on my class work and during lunch I saw Ceaser walking over to sit across from me. I had kept to myself the entire day and it felt like I needed a long breather from everyone.

“Hey,” I said as I had finished eating.

“Hey…” he said as he looked around. “Where’s Chris?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. He could be with his friends.” I answered. I didn’t mind him not hanging with me today. “Why?”

“I know you're close with him, but he gives off a weird vibe,” he tells me. “I heard he got into fights last year and he has this nasty death glare.”

I glanced at him. “Yeah, he does have a bit of a rough side to him, but he’s not always like that though,” I said as I turned to him and wasn’t too sure where this conversation will go. “He actually is nice and caring, but he just doesn’t show it to everyone.”

Caesar looked at me for a long second. “Are you guys dating?”

I hesitated for a second, “Yes.”

Caesar sighed as he moved a little closer to sit beside me. “Look, I’m only saying this because I’m your friend, but be careful with him. I'm okay if you're gay, but I don’t think he’s a good guy for you. I know we didn’t get to hang out as much during middle school, but I saw how he was before you transferred and how he still is now.”

I was quiet for a second as I tried to figure out what to say. “Thank you, but Chris is a good person and he just doesn’t show to people. You're only looking at the bad. He cares about me and he’s always taking care of me. He just doesn’t want to appear weak.”

Caesar didn’t say anything and slowly got up. “Okay, alright. I’ll believe you, but if he does anything you tell me. You're a good person so it just seems weird that you would pick a guy like him to date.”

I nod, “Okay. And thank you for your concern.”

I felt my throat tighten as I thought about what he said and I watched him leave.

I was about to go inside the building when someone grabbed my arm and I turned to see Chris as he pulled me to the restroom.

“What were you doing?” He asked, pressed me against the stall door.

“Nothing,” I said, unsure of what I wanted to say. “We were just talking.”

“Are you still mad?” He asked me.

I stared at him and shook my head, “It’s not exactly about that.” I mumbled.

“Come home with me and spend the night.”

I didn’t say anything as he kissed my cheek. “Wouldn’t your parents get mad?”

“They don’t care, remember?” He answered. “We won’t do anything if that’s what you're worried about.”

I looked up at him. “Well, first I’m just still upset and second I don’t even think we should be going as far as that. Especially if there’s a risk of getting caught. I can’t do all that right now.”

“That’s why I want you to come over.” He said as he wrapped his arms around me so that he was hugging me and started kissing my neck. “I’m trying to make up for hurting you. Let me and I’m sure you can forgive me. Please.”

I sighed heavily as I leaned my head on his shoulder and I think I gave up. “Fine, okay. I’ll go.”

He smiled, “Then we'll head over once school is over.”

I nod as I watched him leave the restroom once we were done talking and I stayed there for a while looking down at the ground until I was ready to step out. I started making my way out back to class now, spending my time silent, and once school was over we walked together. I had already messaged my dad and he didn’t mind it without a question. And just like he said, we spent the night playing videos and watching movies together alone in his room. Yes, we spent some time together making out and we did go as far as just fondling each other, but he never let himself go too far like I asked.

It was nice just spending time between us because he would always make me feel like I'm the only important person when he behaves like this and for me, everything is always new that I felt like I had to catch up to him. Aside from the fight that we had, it seemed like it was already forgotten by the end of the night and we went to bed with his arms holding me. It has gotten better between Chris and I after that night yet there were still moments where Chris still seemed uncontrollable, but this was with the other students in school and now that we’re in high school the fights are more serious than before.

I wasn’t sure if he was going to pass his classes as we approached winter vacation because he spent his time ditching with his friends after some time and also in detention after being caught a few times. Sometimes I’m not sure where he gets so much zest from doing all these activities but he keeps his behavior separate when we hang out then how he is with his other friends.