Chapter 7

I looked out the window and after a couple of minutes passed when I realized that we are about five minutes away from my dad’s. I wasn’t trying to feel nervous, but I couldn’t help feeling the pounding on my chest, my throat felt tight, and my palms were sweating. We pulled up to the house and I took my time getting off as I’m grabbing my bags. I looked over the two-story home that I grew up in and remembered the large pool in the back; the large living room I used to spend my time in. We knocked on the door and waited until Lily kindly greeted us with a nice smile as she stepped aside to let us in.

“Michael! Welcome home,” she said before turning to my mom. “Emily. It’s nice seeing you after so long.”

“Yes, it's nice to see you again,” she said as they both hugged each other.

“I was excited when your dad told me that you were going to come over for the weekend. I know it must have been difficult coming back, but your dad wanted to see you since everything that happened,” she said.

“I know. It took me a while to come back.” I said as I dropped my bag next to the door and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to go to my room yet.

“Your dad said you can stay in the guest room if you want. We cleaned both your room and the guest room for you to pick,” Lily said, giving me a small smile as if she knew what I was thinking.

“Thank you… That's a nice idea. So you're living here now?” I asked.

“Yes. Just recently. It's only been… two months.” she answered.

“Dad doesn’t know how to cook or clean…” I informed her as we walked to the living room to sit down.

She laughed, “I know. I told him I can clean, but not cook so we’re both in trouble.”

My mom smiled, “He never changed.” she said and sighed. “How’s he doing with work?”

“It’s not so bad. He had days where he works long hours and other days he’ll be coming home early,” she said and she turned to me. “I hope it's okay with you, with me living here.”

“It's fine. We were still getting to know each other when I was living here, but it’ll be nice having company while dad is at work.” I said.

My mom sighed as she slowly got up, “Okay, it's time for me to head back.” she said as she grabbed her purse and started walking to the front door. "Lily it is nice seeing you."

“I’ll see you on Sunday,” I said as I hugged her.

I watched her get in her car until she drove off and I’m now alone with Lily. It seemed like she wasn’t uncomfortable with me here, but it’s been a while since we last saw each other as well. She went to the kitchen and I decided to take my bag to the guest room. I closed the door after I was done and paused when I saw the door to my room. I walked over to it and was about to reach out to open it, but I held back as I decided to wait until later. I went back downstairs to see Lily cooking and I went over leaning against the counter as I tried to figure out what to say to her.

“What are you making?” I ask her.

“I hope you don’t mind chicken Alfredo,” she said glancing over at me. “It's honestly one of the few things I can make.”

I smiled, “It's fine. Pasta is my favorite.”

“Good,” she said as she walked to the sink to wash her hands. “So, how is everything? Like everything since you moved to your mom’s.”

I glanced over at her and slowly made my way to sit down at the dining table where she can still see me. “I don’t know. Have my mom kept you and dad updated with everything?”

“Yes and no. Well, I’m sure your dad might know more than I do because I always have him decide on what he wants to share about you, but I honestly don't know too much,” she tells me as she goes to sit beside me.

I took a deep breath, “I thought everything was fine until mom got a transfer to a new position and that meant us moving.”

“Yeah, I heard about that,” she said, nodding. “And how is that going for her at the new workplace?”

“Fine. She’s working more hours, but I think she’s happy with her job because she never complains about it.” I tell her. “I think she’s only sad that she’s not always home when I’m around.”

“I hear she’s been worried about you…” she added in.

“Yeah, I’ve been having some difficult moments and there was a dispute recently at school,” I tell her.

“Oh, so things aren’t going well?”

“No, not really… I hate to say it like that, but my mind has just been messing with me and I just don’t know how to deal with it.” I tried to explain it to her. “I’m just trying to figure it out slowly.”

She nods, “I’m sure everything hasn’t been so easy with the move, but I’m glad that you’ve been trying.”

I turn to her, “Has dad been okay after everything too?”

She sighed, “Your dad let himself get a little depressed for a while when you were in the hospital and after you were discharged. I think he blamed himself for a while thinking that he could have done something.” she tells me. “You never told him that you were struggling and then he found you like that… It took him awhile to process everything.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to leave a mark like that on him and also on you.” I said looking down.

“It's okay. I’m just glad that you're alive and that you are doing okay. I know that I’m not your mother or to have a say like I am, but I do see you as my son and I care about you.” She said to me as she gave me a small smile.

I couldn’t help but blush at her words and I looked up at her, “I know you care about dad and I’m happy that he has someone like you. Maybe when I’m more comfortable I can call you mom.”

She smiled, “I think you can only call me ‘Mom’ if your dad ever proposes.”

I chuckled, “Well if you're living here then that’s already married in his eyes.”

She laughs, “I’m going to need to hear that from his mouth.”

I nod and turned to look outside from the sliding doors that lead to the backyard. “You guys cleaned the pool,” I said, getting up to open the back door.

“Yes, you don’t know how many nights I’ve enjoyed swimming under the stars,” she said as she followed behind me.

I reached out to put my hand in the pool and turn to her. “Already planning your pool parties?” I asked.

“Maybe,” she said. “You can always come over whenever you want to have your hangouts.”

I chuckled. “I don’t think I have enough friends to have actual hangouts,”

“I’m sure you do. What about your old friends or new friends?” she asked.

“I don’t talk to my old friends and I’ve only made two friends… Maybe four.” I said. I wasn’t too sure if Jennifer's friends liked me in the end after the fight with David.

“That’s good. Well, we can always have them come by in the summer. It’s March so with spring it’s just warm enough to go in for a little while.” she said.

“I do have one friend who wouldn’t mind coming for a visit,” I said quietly.

“Yeah? One of your new friends?” she asked.

I nod as we make our way inside the house and I close the door behind us. I got myself a cup of water and Lily continued on cooking so I just sat down at the dining table distracting myself with my phone. After another hour passing my dad finally came home and he sat with me as we tried to catch on things. There have been times where I’m not sure how to feel about my dad after the whole incident after coming out to him. I believe Lily know I’m gay and if not then maybe I’ll have to tell her someday. He acts sometimes like it never happened and sometimes we act like everything between has always been fine. We all gathered at the table after Lily served us and now Dad wants to hear what has been going on while I’m staying with Mom.

“I can tell Mom has been trying hard to be there for me and wants to take care of me,” I said. “She’s been good since staying with her.”

Dad nodded, “Well, that's good. I’m glad that it's been working out.” he said as he sat back once he was done eating. “I was a bit concerned about you being with your mother since she had left you when you were young.”

I took a deep breath knowing that there were many sides to why my mom chose to leave and to also leave me with my dad. “Mom and I already talked about it and we came to an understanding about the situation.”

“She seemed like she was worried about Michael and I know she wanted to make sure you were comfortable,” Lily said as if trying to convince my dad and she reached to grab her cup taking a sip.

“I know, but she also spent years without seeing him and suddenly she wants to take custody like she has every right to have him,” Dad tells Lily and this was one discussion I never wanted to bring up.

I cleared my throat and reached for my cup to just hold in my hand as a distraction, “Dad you know why I decided to stay with Mom… After what happened, I just couldn’t bring myself to come back right away.” I tell him as I look down at what’s left inside my cup. “It has nothing to do with you and it wasn’t like I was choosing her over you either.”

Lily gave my dad a look that looks like she wants to warn him about the things he said then she turned to me. “I’m sure she's been trying her best. It was also a huge adjustment for you both and time to be comfortable with each other after the years apart. You would have come back if you didn’t like it.”

I put my cup down and turn to my dad. “Yes, I a lot changed after what happened, but I’m fine.” I tell him. “Lily is actually right… I would have come back if I didn’t like living with mom, but it’s been going well.”

My dad sighed as he got up and started collecting the empty plates. “Well, as long as you come by to visit more often. It's been a long time since you’ve returned,” he tells me.

“I know… I’ll try and figure out what good days to come by again.”

“We’ll always have a room for you whenever that day will be,” Lily said, smiling.

I smiled back, softly. “Thank you.”

After we cleaned the table, I excused myself making my way to the guest room wanting to change out of my clothes to something more comfortable to sleep in and I wasn’t too sure if they were going to bed soon. I checked my phone again to spend a small message to my mom to see if she’s fine and a reply back to Elliot who’s been curious to know how I’ve been doing. I stepped out of my room to head back downstairs when I stopped at my bedroom door and slowly opened it to look inside. My room did seem like it was cleaned out because my bedsheets were fixed, clothes that I had left on the floor were no longer there and could be seen folded back inside my dresser or hanging in my closet. I walked over to my bed and slowly sat down as I looked around unsure of how I feel.

I covered my face as I thought back to the last time I was here in this room, but it honestly felt like a blur. I couldn’t remember what happened, but I know what I did.

“Michael?”

I looked up to see Lily standing by the door; concern showing in her face. I wiped my face feeling caught crying silently in my room and I didn’t know what to say. She walked over to sit beside me and she reached out to wrap her arms around me giving me a hug. She held on to me for a while and it was just a nice comforting feeling like when my mom tried to console me.

“It's okay to cry…” she said quietly as she pats my back to calm me.

“I’m sorry,” I said between tears.

“It's fine,” she said, shaking her head.

“No, I’m sorry that I did that… I didn’t mean to hurt you or dad. I didn’t think of you guys and I did that. I can’t imagine dad finding me like that and how he felt. I was scared that he would be mad at me. Or hate me and never want to see me again.” I said.

“Your dad would never hate you. Don’t ever think like that,” she said as she grabbed my arm to have me look at her. “What you did was something that you weren’t in the right state of mind to control and it’s okay to be upset. If you're here crying because you regret it then be happy that you are alive. Not many people can survive what you did, but you did and you're continuing on living your life. Make it better and make yourself happy for yourself.”

I looked at her before reaching out to hug her. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged Lily before and honestly she reminded me of my mom. We’ve never had a chance to share a moment like this before.

“Thank you,” I tell her.

She stayed with me for a while until she made sure it was fine to leave me alone once I calmed down and I spent another few minutes as I looked around the room again before I left. I tried to explain to Elliot over text messages about how I was feeling, but I wanted to talk more about it in person and talking about it over in a text message wasn't the same as how I wanted to express it. I had a hard time going to sleep that night and by morning I woke up feeling tired as well as a slight headache. Lily made me breakfast, Dad was already gone to work, then I helped out on cleaning and found ways to pass the time like watch television or be on my phone then we had lunch together until my dad comes home.

I have to say that it's been going well so far and we went to a restaurant for dinner that we used to go to when I was young. There were moments where I wasn’t sure about going out because I didn’t want to run to people I knew from before, but it went fine and we returned home right after. Sunday finally came and Lily made a nice breakfast before we all left to drop me off at mom’s. Dad didn’t walk me to the front door, but gave me a hug and handed me money even though I tried to refuse; Lily gave me a hug saying that I should come to visit again. I watched them leave before going inside and Mom was there waiting for me in the living room.

“How was it?” she asked as I sat beside her.

“Good. It was nice. I’m glad I went over.” I tell her.

My mom smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder, “That’s good. And how about school? Have you thought about it?”

“Yes… I want to go back. I know you're worried, but I want to keep trying even if it gets hard.” I tell her. “I’m sorry if it's been bad for you and stressful, but I still want to go.”

“Alright, but if a bigger incident happens again then we will talk about homeschool again.”

“Okay,” I said.

I stayed with her for a while until she got up to make dinner so I went to my room to lay down trying to relax a bit now that I’m in my own bed again. I was able to fall asleep after dinner and by morning I was getting ready for school. Elliot texted me to see if I was going after I had gotten myself ready and after a couple of minutes he’s in front of my house heading to school together. I got in the car and for a second it was a little awkward until I tried to start a conversation about my weekend. I told him about my time visiting my dad and how I was able to bond with Lily then it came to how I felt when I went to my room.

“Was it hard to go in there?” he asked.

“Yeah, it was. That was where I decided to end my own life... Where I just gave up and now that I’m looking back on it…” I trailed off as I thought about it.

“Would you still have done it?” he asked.

I turned to him and thought about this question. “I think so. I can’t think of what else I could have done during that time.” I answered.

“Are you happy that you’re alive, though?” he asked me.

I took a deep breath, “I don’t know if I’m happy with my life just yet, but I’m okay with being able to continue on and try one more time. I can say that I’m glad that I’m still alive even after everything that happened.”

He nods, “Well, I’m glad that you're alive.”

I looked down and felt my face blushed, “I think what’s new that I’m happy about is that I’m with my mom again and I think I missed so so much then I realized. Before I didn’t think about her or thought about reaching out and now I’m happy that I can go to her.”

“It's good that you can build a relationship after the divorce. I know that can break a child and parent relations sometimes,” he said as he focused on the road.

“Yes,” I agreed and I glanced over at him before taking a deep breath. “Let’s go out this weekend.”

He glanced over at me, “Yeah? What do you want to do?” he asked.

I know my face might be glowing red as I still looked down at my hand and I know that I said that I’ll wait but something inside me wanted to ask. “I meant... like a date… If you want.”

Elliot didn’t say anything as he parked his car and I suddenly felt like maybe it could be too soon. I probably shouldn’t have asked since I said that I would give him time to consider his feelings first.

“Okay,” he answered.

I looked over at him, “Really?”

We both got out of the car once we arrived at the school and he walked over to me, “Yes. Maybe a date would be good to figure out my feelings and I never went out with a person on a romantic level if you know what I mean. If that’s also okay with you, it's more of me wanting to the experience of it being with someone of the same-sex romanticly.”

I nod, “I’m okay with that. I haven’t gone out with another guy before so it’ll be something new for me as well. It's not like I’ve had actual dating experiences.”

“How was it with you and Chris?” he asked.

We were making our way to the building and I turned away from him for a second, “It kind of just happened… We never went on dates. We were just together; just as it sounds.”

I can tell Elliot thought about it before reaching out to me. “Wait, I don’t get it. So you were just together with him? Like that’s it?”

I hesitated as I tried to figure out what to say then pulled him to the side where it was more private. “I was interested in him when we were friends then one day we made out and that was it… We never talked about our relationship as a couple, but we were together.”

Elliot still looked confused and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to explain more.

“I don’t have another way to explain it to you,” I said as his silence started to make me feel anxious. “Everything that happened between him and me is just confusing and I don’t know what was real between us. We never had a healthy relationship from the start; I can tell you that.”

“He forced himself on you.” Elliot finally said.

I looked at him and I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t like he was asking. I can feel the tension in the silence before I turned away from him.

“Let’s go inside,” I said.

Elliot followed behind me and honestly, I’m done talking about Chris. I’m starting to get angry now whenever I hear his name and I don’t know what to say whenever he comes up in our conversation. We entered the classroom and I could feel a few eyes on me then Jennifer came over to me when she entered the classroom. I put my backpack down when I sat down while Jennifer sat beside me and leaned over towards me.

“How are you?” She asked.

“I’m okay,” I said. “I had to take a break after what happened.”

“I don’t blame you. I saw what happened and I was so scared. Elliot fighting and you fainted. I just can’t believe David tried to start a fight in front of the teachers.” she said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.”

“It’s okay. I had to think things over and I wasn’t too sure if I was going to come back.” I tell her.

“Well, I’ll help you whenever you're in trouble and obviously Elliot got your back,” she said. “And my friend said you should come by and join us if you want during lunch. We have another group of friends who join us from different classes but they’re all nice. You might like to get to know them.”

I smiled softly. “Thanks. I’m still not recovered from what happened, but I wouldn’t mind meeting new people as long as they are not bullies.”

“I don’t blame you. I was scared when I saw them fighting like that.” She said, shaking her head. “That would have traumatized me from meeting new people too.”

We end our conversation there and focus on the class lesson when the bell finally rang. Karen came over to me to see how I was doing and promised to continue our conversation in P.E. Elliot stopped by Jennifer’s desk to help her with the assignment and I can feel him glancing over at me. Once class was over we went our separate ways until it was finally lunchtime Elliot was able to find me at the library and there was a long awkward silence between us. I was surprised that he even came to look for me and maybe shouldn’t have asked him out after what we discussed.

“Jennifer wants me to meet her friends…” I told him as we were sitting at one of the empty tables.

“Yeah?” He asked, turning to me. “Do you want to?”

“I wouldn’t mind it, but I also kinda want to come out to Jennifer and maybe her friends that she introduced me… if they still consider me a friend.” I tell him.

He stared at me as he thought about this, “If you want to then go for it. Isn’t it easy to just come out?” he asked.

I shook my head, “Not always… I didn’t have a good experience with my dad when he found out and my mom didn’t know until I came out to her when I was doing my therapy sessions with her.” I tell him. “Some people judge and question you about it, but there are people who are just open-minded that they just accept it.”

He nods, “I see… I never thought about that.”

I sighed, “Has anyone ever come out to you?”

He shook his head, “No; besides you. I’ve met a few people who were openly gay at first-meet but never said it like you told me.”

“Then you probably know other people who could be gay or lesbian or even transgender but are too afraid to tell you,” I said.

“They don’t have to be afraid of me though,” he tells me.

“Yeah, they don’t have to because they know you would understand, but it's still scary. You don’t know how people react. I was scared when I told you.” I explained.

“So you're scared Jennifer would hate you if she finds out?” he asked.

“No… I don’t think she’ll hate me, but what if she finds it uncomfortable? Or she’ll tell her friends and they don’t want me around anymore?” I tell him.

“And? I want you around,” he tells me. “And if I want you around then I’m sure they also want you around.”

I blushed and turned away, “You're so stupid sometimes.”

He laughed, “Come on. The bells are going to ring.” he said as he started putting his things away.

I put my books away in my backpack, glad that we were able to have a decent conversation, and we went our own separate ways after hearing the bell ring. I saw Alex in class as she came over to sit beside me and we helped each other out on the assignment. There was a bit of awkwardness between us but maybe we still need to get to know each other more. But it was nice being able to sit with people that I know instead of being alone or distancing myself from everyone else that’s approached me in class. In P.E., the teacher had us walking around the track after roll call and Jennifer was asking about where I was since I didn’t go to school Friday.

“I went to stay with my dad,” I tell them; Alex and Karen also joined us on our walk.

“How did it go?” Jennifer asked.

“Your parents are divorced?” Alex asked. “So are mine, but I live with my dad and my mom gets me every two weeks.”

“Yeah, they are. It went fine. I got along with my dad’s girlfriend and I’m trying to see when I go back there again.” I said. “It was weird going back since I haven’t gone to visit in a year.”

“Is your dad nice?” Karen asked.

“Yeah… He wasn’t before, but he’s calmed down a bit.” I said and I saw Elliot running over to us from the field.

Jennifer smiled when she saw him and I couldn’t help feeling a little tug feeling on my chest. “Hi, Elliot,” she said.

Elliot smiled at her, “Hello.” he said then smiled nicely to the other girls before turning back to me. “Hey, we're short on our soccer games. Why don’t you come join us?”

I stared at him for a long second before I shook my head, “No, I’m okay.”

“Oh, come on.” He said, insisting.

“I don’t know how to play,” I said, trying to give an excuse and I honestly don’t know how to play any sport since I hardly ever joined in.

“Then we can teach you.” He said before walking closer to me so it was just us now. “Are you sure you don’t want to? If it's them touching you then I’ll let them know to be careful. You can just play for a bit and you’ll also be on my team.”

I looked down and I couldn’t decide what to answer.

“It's okay. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Elliot said as he put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him. “How about I teach you how to play after school so you can be more comfortable to join us next time?”

“Yeah… That’s fine.” I answered.

“Okay. I’ll see you after school.” He said and started making his way back to the field.

“You could have joined if you wanted to,” Jennifer said, walking over to me.

“No, I don’t want to.” I mumbled as I started walking. “I’ve never been good at sports.”

I didn’t talk too much afterward and we made our way around the field while they had their conversations. I glanced over at Elliot a few times seeing them play and I honestly would have liked to join in their game, but I wasn’t too sure how it’ll go. I’ve never joined a team before and I’m sure I didn’t want to embarrass myself if I couldn’t help them win. I sighed as the bell rang and we returned to the locker room to change, finally finishing the day. I waited for Elliot outside and was a little distracted on my phone when I saw that he was calling me from the front entrance of the gymnasium.

I walked over to him, “What are you doing over here?”

“We’re going to practice,” he tells me as he hands me a ball.

“This is a volleyball. I thought you said you’ll teach me soccer?” I asked him.

“I thought about it and volleyball is better for a non-contact sport. You could end up bumping into another player, but it's just mainly you contacting the ball to pass to another player or tossing it over the net,” he said as we went inside the gym and I saw a few people putting up the nets on both courts.

“Are we going to play?” I asked him.

“Just for a tiny bit,” he said as he grabbed my bag and put it on the side. “I’ll only show you the basics.”

I took a deep breath as I watched him grab a cart full of volleyballs and brought it over to one side of the court where we’ll be practicing at. I walked over as I watched him then glanced over at the other guys who started doing warm-ups on the other side of the court. Are they from Elliot's volleyball team? Elliot showed me a few stretches to do as warming up and it was almost the same thing as what the other guys did. He began to show me a few postures, positions to stand and explain where to hit the ball on my hands. I was interested in this information until he grabbed the ball and said we were only going to pass the ball to each other.

“If it starts to hurt, let me know. Sometimes for new players, they hit the upper arm area and it tires them out,” he tells.

I nod as he began to toss the ball to me and he was right. Every time I tried to pass the ball, it hurt my wrists, and a few times I couldn’t hit the ball right back to him. I sighed as I wasn’t too sure if I was getting frustrated that I couldn’t toss the ball right back to him or because I was starting to feel tired. Elliot paused as he must have seen my expression and handed me a bottle of water. He let me rest and he decided to join the other players who were playing in the court beside us.

“You actually could make the team if you practice more.” one of the guys said as he stepped off the court to grab a spare ball.

I turned to him, confused, and it almost made me laugh, “Oh no. He was only showing me how to play.” I tell him. “I don’t usually play and I wasn’t planning to try out for one either.”

“That’s fine if you don’t know how to play. I saw your stance and it wasn’t so bad and with good practice, you can get better.” He said and then made his way back to the court to continue playing.

I watched them as I thought about it and after some time Elliot came back over to me. “You're done playing or you want to try again?” he asked.

“I… I think I’m done,” I tell him.

We helped put a few things away since everyone else was still practicing and I grabbed my backpack as we started heading out of the gym. I took an extra water bottle with me as I was almost done with the one I was drinking and we started making our way to the school parking lot.

“What did Luis tell you?” Elliot asked.

“Luis?” I said confused before realizing that it was the guy's name; the one who talked to me. “He was saying that I should consider trying out next year because he said with practice I could be a good player.”

Elliot smiled, “Well, he is the captain so he probably saw potential or just wanted to recruit more people.”

“He’s the captain?”

“Yeah, for the JV team. Junior Varsity,” he said. “I’m in the Varsity team, but I’ve seen him play and he’s really good.”

I nod as I thought about this as we got inside the car and I opened the water bottle to take a sip.

“I was never planning to join a team next year. Well I never thought about joining a sports team ever so I don’t think I’ll bother with it.” I tell him.

“If you want in the summer we can always practice and you can get the hang of it,” he tells me.

I thought about this when he mentioned summer and I turned to him. “Hey, it doesn’t have to be soon… But do you like to come with me when I visit my dad someday? They have a pool and Lily likes to have pool parties… She said it’ll be nice if I invite friends over.”

Elliot turned to me for a second, “Are you sure?”

I nod, “I don’t mind.”

“Alright. We can see when I can go over with you,” he said.