Chapter 24

By morning, I was ready by the time Elliot came by to pick me up and we stopped to grab drinks before going to school. Elliot got himself an iced coffee while I got orange juice, our usual drinks, it was comforting being able to start our day like this. The entire ride to school, I pulled out my notebook as I pick a few of the pages reading them to Elliot and it’s been slightly embarrassing having to read out loud to him about the things that I have been thinking or feeling, but at the same time he has always been understanding about the challenges I go through. This is the third time that I’ve read to him and I’m still debating on reading it to my mom, but I haven’t had the courage to and we sat in the car as I finished reading. I can see Elliot watching me after he parked and was cuddling his drink as he listened.

“Can you read about Saturday?” he asked me.

I glanced at him before looking away, “Right now?” I asked.

“Well, if you don’t mind sharing. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

I run my fingers over the notebook before shaking my head, “No, maybe later.” I answered.

“I thought you had fun?” He asked, curiously, and I could see his concern.

I shook my head again, “It’s embarrassing.”

He looked a little more curious now before shrugging his shoulders, “I’m sure it’s not embarrassing, but if you don’t want to read it then that’s fine.”

I didn’t say anything for a second before turning to him, “I’ll tell you later because I did write this after coming home from when we hung out and I just feel childish now that I look back.”

“No, you don’t have to say anything. You said I should wait then I will,” he said as he started getting out of the car.

I grabbed my backpack before walking over to him, leaning against the car. “I honestly was trying to distract myself from thinking about the presentation for today… I thought reading from the notebook would calm me.”

He looked at me for a second before pulling me to walk towards the school entrance, “It’s okay to be nervous and you’ll be fine since you’ve been studying hard. From what I saw in your work, you can easily get a passing grade.”

I sighed as we made our way to the building, “Okay.”

As we made our way to the classroom, Luis greeted us as he was passing by, and Elliot tried to help calm me before going inside by giving me pointers. Presenting a project in front of an entire classroom may not seem so difficult but with my anxiety, like trying to focus on the words to say while trying to keep eye contact as they stare at you and wondering what they could be thinking as they watch me. There was also the fear that I can't get the words out of my mouth as if I’m slurring to get the words out. When the bell rang, we went inside as the teacher did attendance before calling me to the front of the class and I tried taking my time like Elliot advised me as I was following along with the powerpoint that I prepared. When I was done, I made my way to my desk trying to not pay attention to everyone around me because I can still feel my hands a little shaky and I only hoped that I got a passing grade.

Jennifer said something and I’m sure she was politely telling me how well I did, but I tried to calm myself while the next group went up continuing the presentations. The rest of the period went by as I just focused on the textbook and the rest of the day as I still felt a bit anxious, but I know there wasn’t any reason for me to feel that way now that I was done with the project and I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. It felt so normal sitting with everyone during lunch now that it helped relax me a little and played around as the guys tried to have me join them during gym. I took the chance to practice a bit with Luis and Elliot as we played volleyball with their team after school and it wasn’t so bad since it's been a while that I've practiced. Honestly, the rest of the week has been like this: having lunch with friends, joining a group to play a game I knew how to play and it felt comfortable having a chance to do this so regularly that it was refreshing. Maybe after everything that happened from saying how I felt that day with Luis and Elliot or seeing Dr. Brown, but somewhere inside me felt a lot calmer now. Maybe I said all that because I’ve been pressuring myself to deal with all the problems that I’ve been having and realizing that I needed more help than I could handle.

“Hey, it was fun having a new player hang around.” One of Elliot's teammates said as we started cleaning up.

“It’s a nice practice.” Another commented. “Who taught you to set?”

“Um, both Elliot and Luis,” I said, feeling shy. “I wasn’t that great.”

“Nonsense. You did well. We saw you guys practice a few weeks ago and it seems like you still remember it well.” they said.

I didn’t know what to say and Elliot walked over wrapping his arm over my shoulder. “Would it be fine if he joins us a few times during practice?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I mean, your captain so what are we going to say?”

“I had to see if you would be fine with it as well or feel bothered,” he tells them.

After a while when we finished putting things away we all headed out of the school and Luis came with us to drop him off at his house. I noticed that Luis has been keeping to myself a little more than usual when we are alone and I’m sure it was because it was affected by our conversation. For a while, I noticed that we were heading towards Luis's house when Elliot took a different turn and we ended up at the mall. I was confused for a second as Elliot parked his car and we all started getting off.

“What are we doing here?” Luis asked.

“Come on, we’re just grabbing frozen yogurt.” Elliot said as he started walking towards the building.

Both Luis and I glanced at each other before following him and we made our way to the food court making line at the small frozen yogurt shop. We each took our turns grabbing a small bowl filling it with different types of yogurt flavors then began to stuff it toppings that we picked from. After paying we looked around for an empty table and it was odd coming to the mall on a weekday with very little people walking around. Elliot talked about practice just to start a conversation and I sat there as I ate quietly until I suggested for us to walk around a bit. I remembered the bracelet I bought and I have it at home having it hidden inside my dresser; I decided to wait on giving it to Elliot. After a while, we checked a few stores just to waste time and after some time I reached my hand out holding Elliot’s because it was just so natural doing so.

“So how have you been?” Luis finally asked me.

“Better, I guess. I’ve just been dealing with everything day-by-day and I’m seeing a therapist.” I tell him. “Honestly, just taking things slowly has been helping me out.”

“I’m glad. It seemed like you had fun on Saturday.” He said as we start making our way outside now. “It’s good that you still came with us and hung around.”

I looked down at the ground for a second before turning to him, “I was nervous for a second, but I ended up forgetting about it after some time and I just followed along with everything that was going on. It helped that I was always around you guys and not worried about my surroundings."

“Hey, when we go to the beach or anywhere, don’t be worried or nervous,” Luis told me and gave me a small smile. “We obviously will help you if you need it.”

I looked at him smiling back before getting inside the car then turned to him in my seat, “Thanks. I have a lot to adjust with but being able to go out with you and everyone was fun.”

“I’m sure when we go to the beach it’ll be easier,” Elliot said as he started the car and I sat back putting on my seatbelt.

When arriving at my house after dropping off Luis I sat with him for a couple of minutes, “So, can you read me now what it said in your notebook?” he asked me.

I looked at him before reaching for my notebook, “Alright… Just don’t laugh at me.”

“I won’t.”

I went through the pages and glanced at him feeling shy as I began to read out-loud, “I wrote: Today, I went out with my friends and it was exciting. I know that I’ve already hanged out with everyone before, but having to go somewhere and being able to be a real teenager made the day better. I’ve never been so happy to feel included, welcomed, and cared by people I can call friends. I’m glad that I have a second chance to know how that feels and I can’t wait to go out with them again.”

I finished reading and I looked down at the notebook as I closed it while waiting for Elliot to respond back.

“When you talk about things like that… Comparing your past to the present… It always makes me sad because I know how difficult things were for you and having to learn things like friendship just isn’t right.” he said as he looked at me. “Kids just don’t know the effects they can cause to others.”

I thought about this as I put my notebook away. “That’s why I said that it's embarrassing. It sounds so childish to be excited about spending time with friends or bowling. This shouldn’t be something that I’m scared of.”

“And that’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I know, but it still is.” I said, looking at him now.

“You’ll have fun memories during the summer, I promise.”

We ended the conversation there and I got out of the car ending the evening there then spent my time with my mom. The rest of the week went so fast until Thursday arrived and I had my appointment to see Dr. Brown. Mom was waiting for me once school was over and Luis was the one that walked me over since Elliot had to stay behind for practice. We made our way to the hospital and I still feel nervous just being in the building even though I know I was only going to see her for an hour. I made my way to her office after being called and noticed the room filled with a bit more plants compared to last appointment.

“Michael, how are you doing?” She asked as she saw me sitting at the same spot from the first visit.

“Good,” I answered as I looked at her. “I’ve been doing better since last week.”

“You do look better. Have you had any other episodes or anxiety attacks since?” Dr. Brown asked me.

“No, not really,” I answered. “I had a presentation on Monday and I was nervous about it, but it wasn’t so bad that I had an anxiety attack from it.”

“And how was your presentation?”

“I got a ‘B’. Even though my speech wasn’t that great, the teacher liked my research report that I typed and that helped me get a better grade.” I answered as I reached for the pillow that was beside me. “I’ve been doing the notebook exercise that you told me.”

She gave a small smile, “Have that been helping you?”

“It has. I’ve been reading it to my boyfriend sometimes when we go to school.” I said, turning to her. “Can I ask something?”

Dr. Brown nods, “Of course. What would you like to ask?”

“I don’t think I have haphephobia or it hasn’t been affecting me daily as it used to…” I said as I looked down at the pillow. “But just because I’ve gotten used to things now, does that mean it’s gone?”

“Well, that depends on you and how you’ve been coping in your current living.” She said as she looked at me and slowly reached her hand out. “Do you want to test it? Honestly, we never shook hands after our first meeting last week and I was wondering what is your tolerance.”

I looked at her hand for a long minute before reaching my hand to hold it, but I let go right away and I feel my heart beating a little fast. “I guess it’s still not that easy.”

“What made you afraid to touch my hand?” She asked me.

“I wasn’t afraid of you or your hands,” I said as I couldn't help brushing my hands over my jeans feeling a little shy. “I was diagnosed after my suicide because I didn’t want people to touch me... In my mind, I was scared of what people could do to me every time I saw their hands reaching out to me. It didn’t matter if they had the intentions or not to harm me; in my head I just imagine them hurting me.”

“Is it because someone touched you wrongfully that you build a barrier between you and everyone?” She questioned.

“Yes. I mean, it feels a little different now, but there are times that I get taken aback when I let my guard down.” I told her as I shifted a little in my seat feeling a bit uncomfortable. “It used to happen a lot before moving here where I confused people’s movement because I think they’ll do something.”

“Have you found ways to remind yourself that not everyone will hurt you or that a person can touch my arm, shoulder, and it means nothing?" She asked me as she reached for my file making notes on it.

“Sometimes, but it doesn't always work out,” I answered. “I just push the thought away when it happens because I want to be around people more, but then I noticed recently that I’m not very social with people at school aside from the ones that I’ve gotten to know.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No, but it can be if I have questions or when I need a partner for a project,” I explain. “I thought about this last week since I decided to do my presentation by myself.”

“I find it fine if you don’t know all your classmates. As long as you have that good friend that you're comfortable with then you can handle through your classes and how did that project go?” she asked.

“Not so bad. It went fine.” I answered.

“What about your boyfriend and yourself? Do you restrict touches with him?” She asked, curiously. "Or is that too personal to ask?"

I hesitated as I raised my hand to rub the back of my neck, “We’ve only been kissing and the small things like hugging. I had a bit of a panic attack once or twice with him, but I’ve been comfortable enough that I don’t detest him touching me.” I said. “Recently I had a little flashback when he brushed my hair near my neck... I don’t know why I imagined his hands grabbing my neck at the time like he was going to choke me. I don't think it was his hands I was imagining honestly and I know he wouldn’t do that.”

She nodded, “It's just the area, or sensations, or the movement that is the cause of these flashbacks; it’s still in the category for triggers. Because of your past, the brain can connect a movement or an object to relate to these past traumas and that’s what makes your vision or mind create these warning signals to your brain.” she said as she leans a little forward in her chair. “As you said, the touch on your neck is a trigger because you might have experienced fear in that part of your body and the only problem with recurring triggers is that you're going to create more boundaries."

I thought about this, “I'm actually worried about that… It doesn’t run through my mind often, but I’ve had thoughts about why it happened and how I don’t want to go back to being the person that I was before; I also don’t want to shut people out again. I feel like I might end up losing the new side of myself that I didn’t think I could be again.”

“You don’t have to set yourself back, Michael. When these moments happen, you have to step back and remind yourself of where you are.” She said as she stood up to walk to her desk before coming back and handing me a pamphlet. “Here, this is a workout sheet on what you can do when you have these ‘flashbacks’ and what you can do to deal with them.”

I grabbed the pamphlet and looked at it. “Does this work?” I asked.

“I believe so. It’s to help ground yourself and keep your mind focused back to the present. You can even use them to help when you have your panic attacks if counting doesn’t work.” she suggested. “Give an example, when you entered my office the first time. What were three things you noticed right away?”

“Um, your planets, the big windows, and the coffee table.” I pointed out as I looked around the room.

“Why is that?” She asked me.

I sighed softly, “Your plants help make the room more comfortable. It doesn’t feel like an office, the window is where I can look out because I’m not used to looking directly at people plus it feels more open in the room and the coffee table gives this distance between us. I’m sorry if that-”

“No, it’s okay. It shows that you're trying to create this comfort and distance. It’s okay to create these boundaries and limitations of comfort for yourself.” she tells me, looked down at her watch. “It seems like we ran out of time… Take that paper home, try practicing these exercises so they can stick to your head, or even share them with people you care about so they can also be informed to help you when you can’t focus.”

I nod as I stand up, “Thank you.”

“I’ll see you next week, Michael,” she said as she started leading me back out of her office.

We headed home after the appointment, I looked over the paper curiously while explaining to my mom about a few things that Dr. Brown told me and I wanted to share with her. The rest of the evening we had dinner then hung around watching television while I worked on my homework and by morning I noticed my mom had left earlier than the recent days. In a way, I felt a little used to her being home to see me off to school and I had breakfast while watching a show before Elliot came by to pick me up. We also stopped by to get Luis since he was running late and it was nice to be able to hang out so early in the morning altogether. The rest of the class period went by fast and before I knew it I was outside playing volleyball with my classmates during P.E.; which I didn’t mind joining in today. We’ve been playing different sport games the whole week and I was a bit shy of joining in because I was horrible when we played baseball; I couldn’t hit any of the balls that they tossed at me.

It was easier for me to join today because we were playing volleyball and it seemed like most of the people on my team didn’t play so I did a little more work to help them win the game. It seemed like they noticed after winning the game that on our way back to the locker room after the bell rang some of the guys in my class were complimenting me on how I played and I was indecisive on how to respond back when both Fernando and Brian pulled me away. It seemed like everyone wanted to join me after finding out about the game so we made our way to the gymnasium once we came out of the locker room and looked for a good spot to sit on the bleachers. It was a lot of fun being able to watch the game with a big group instead of coming alone and hearing everyone around me cheering for Luis as his team was still playing. The guys thought it’ll be funny to whistle at Luis to get his attention and it seemed like he got a little shy at having the attention on him. I smiled as Jennifer waved at him when the game finished and he walked over to sit beside her once he was allowed to disperse from his team.

“It’s good that you won this game when you blow it at the last one,” I told him and he playfully smacked my leg. “Hey, but you played well.”

“Thanks,” he said as Karen hands him a water bottle.

“Luis, you should have told us that you’ve been having games here,” Brian said.

“The season is almost ending so there are only like two more matches left.”

“Already?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah, but the other games are going to be at the other schools so you guys are lucky to watch us today.” He said as he took a sip from the bottle of water.

I thought about this when I finally saw Elliot coming in through the back door and waved at him when he saw us. “Least I can see Elliot play. ” I mumbled.

“Eh, not sentimental Michael, please,” Luis said, giving a disgusted expression.

Fernando wrapped his arms around my shoulder pulling me closer to him, “He’s in love. Just let him be.”

I was a little surprised when he hugged me but I smiled, “Well, he is my boyfriend so…”

“Oh, so you agree, you do love him?” Karen giggled.

“No, I only meant...” I said as I felt Fernando shakes me a little from his hold.

“Come on man, everyone always acts a little crazy for first-love.” He tells me and Luis slaps his arm off me.

“It’s not like he doesn’t know about first love. Besides, I think Elliot is more the Romeo in this scenario.” Luis said as he looked over at Elliot who was warming up with his team.

“Oh no, don’t compare Romeo and Juliet between them,” Jennifer said as she turned to Luis.

I shook my head slowly at them. “You guys are more ridiculous than I am and I’m not commenting about this whole love thing.”

“Aw, see now they won’t ever want us around,” Alex said, hitting Brian’s arm.

“What did I do?” he asked, looking a little hurt.

“Okay, the game starts.” I cut in as I saw the teams walking onto the court.

“Speaking of games, you should have seen Michael play today,” Jennifer tells Luis. “We actually played volleyball and he got almost all the points. I was surprised.”

“He did! I don’t think I’ve seen you play like that before and it was like a different side of you.” Alex added in.

“Don’t exaggerate,” I said, blushing.

“Oh come on, Michael. You actually do pretty well now after the practices we’ve had and you were able to play with the other guys from the team.” Luis said as he turned to me. “Hey, join us on Monday for a fun game.”

“I’ll come.” Fernando cut in.

“I’m asking Michael.”

“Oh, then I’ll come too!” Brian cut in as well.

I smiled, “Alright.”

The game started with Elliot being on the court in a starting position and I watched quietly while everyone around me was cheering the team. Jennifer and Karen left for a while to buy snacks and a few drinks to share with everyone. A few times they kept cheering for Elliot that he looked over at us and by the end of the first match our school was winning. I ate some chips that they brought and when the game ended everyone started leaving while I stayed behind waiting for Elliot. His team won and they grouped for a while as the coach gave them a speech until they could finally dispersed.

“Hey, where’s everyone?” He asked, noticing that I was alone.

“They all left. I don’t think they had plans to hang out today.”

“And what are you going to do?”

“Nothing for tonight. Dad couldn’t visit today so I’m going to see him tomorrow and Sunday.” I tell him as we walk towards the parking lot.

“Are you excited to see him?” He asked as he unlocked his car and we got inside.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I honestly don’t care too much about seeing him now, but I do want to see Lily since she’s been nice to me and I don’t have problems talking to her.”

“Yeah, she’s really nice.” He agreed as he turned on his car then turned to me. “Do you want to go somewhere before going home?”

I thought about this for a second before shaking my head, “No, not really. I’m okay with not going out today if you don’t mind.”

“Alright. So, how was your appointment yesterday?”

“Hm, it was good. We talked about how I have my flashbacks and how to work with it… Um, I also talked about my haphephobia because I was curious and it seems like it’s still not that easy dealing with it.” I said, looking down at my pants picking at the fabric.

“Seems like there was a lot to discuss and what do you do to deal with your flashbacks?” He asked, curiously, as we both got out of the car after arriving at my house.

“It’s pretty much trying to use all your senses. Touch like four or five items around you and call out what they are, pick out colors you see, and a few other things, but I haven’t looked through the paper she gave me.” I said, turning to him. “Do you want to read it?”

“Sure.” He answered as we walked over to my house and as I was looking for my keys my mom opened the door.

“Oh, your home,” I said, surprised.

“Of course I am. You didn’t think I would be?” She asked, as she stepped back for us to enter.

“Well, you weren’t here this morning so I assumed you would be working all day,” I replied.

“Oh, sorry about that. I left early because someone couldn’t start up the system and I guess they thought I could do it.” She answered as she smiled at Elliot. “How was the game?”

“We won.” He answered.

“Congratulations! Do you boys want something to eat?” She asked.

“I’m good for right now. I ate a lot of snacks.” I told her before turning to Elliot. “Are you hungry?”

“No, thank you. I’ll eat once I get home.” Elliot answered and I reached for his hand to pull him to my room.

I made sure the door wasn’t fully closed and looked around my desk for the pamphlet, “Here.” I said handing it to Elliot.

Elliot sat on my bed as he looked at the paper reading it curiously, “This is actually good tips like this here: Name what you see, feel, hear, and smell. It says to count and you’ve been doing that so there is that example. And learning how to identify when you're experiencing a flashback.”

I listened to him as I sat beside him and recalled a few of my flashbacks.

“On my first day of school, I was already experiencing anxiety from the minute I woke up and having you grab my arm when I had a wall up just triggered me because you wouldn’t let go,” I said recalling everything as I kept my head down. “I had memories when Chris would grab me and hold me that it would hurt. I remembered a few things but the fear came back and that’s why I reacted that way.”

Elliot slowly put the paper down, “I didn’t mean to do that…”

“I know. I know you didn’t mean for it and that was just a flashback that I can point out to you because something small like that can take me back,” I said as I slowly reached out to take his hand. “But it’s just been nice being able to do this much. It was something that I was scared to do again and I didn’t expect myself to be with someone out of fear.”

Elliot moved closer as he held my hand. “You can always tell me what you don’t like or to stop touching you,” he said. “I don’t want to give you another panic attack like I did when we went to the waterfall on our first date or when I touched you when we sat together at your dad’s house and other things I’ve done that you haven’t told me. I don’t want you to force yourself to deal with it because you think you have to.”

I lean my head over to rest it on his shoulders. “It’s comforting to know that people can be there for me now, but sometimes it’s confusing on how to take it and how to speak up about my problems,” I said, closing my eyes.

Elliot was quiet for a second before sighing. “All that you’ve been doing now and seeing Dr. Brown shows the changes of you growing. You can do more if you just keep trying,”

I opened my eyes and slowly moved to wrap my arms over his shoulders, hugging him. “It’s still embarrassing to hear that.”

“Are you getting shy now?” he asked as he hugged me back.

“I’m always shy,” I replied back.

Elliot chuckles, “I don’t believe that.”

“You just like to make fun of me a lot,” I said as he slowly let go of his hold on me and I moved to sit in front of him feeling nervous. “Um, speaking of being shy…”

“Yeah?”

“I have something to give you and I was embarrassed to give it to you-”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how open you are to taking gifts or if it’s embarrassing to wear something your partner would give you,” I answered.

“Why would I be embarrassed? Where is it?” He asked, showing a little excitement.

I hesitated for a second then went to my dresser to grab the leather bracelet before handing it to him. “It’s stupid and I’m sure it’s girly too…”

Elliot looked at it for a second then started putting it on his wrist. “Come on, there’s nothing girly about this,” he said as he looked up at me then reached out for the other matching set to put it on my wrist. “See, that looks nice.”

I blushed as I looked down at our arms seeing the matching leather bracelet and I smiled. “It does.”

“Thank you,” he tells me as he brushes his thumb over the top of my hand.

I looked at him, still feeling my face red. “On Monday, let’s go have breakfast before going to school?” I asked him.

“Is that a date?” Elliot asked, smiling.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I guess so. If you want to see it as one.”

“Well, it is if you think it’s a date as well.” He replied back and I laughed at his response.

“Alright. Then go on a date with me?” I asked again as I shook my head.

“I will.” Elliot said before tackling me down and started to tickle me.

I laughed trying to shove him off me, “No, stop.” I said between tears.

We continued to mess around for a while until my mom knocked on the door and let me know that dinner was ready which meant it was time for Elliot to go home. I walked him out before joining my mom for dinner and every once in a while I would glance over at my bracelet that’s on my wrist smiling to myself. The rest of my night doing homework before going to bed and by morning I was having breakfast with my mom eating pancakes while she was sitting across from me looking down at her phone. It seemed like she was busy looking for an email, but she wanted to find it on her own before giving up.

“Mom, if you can’t find it then you can do a type-search,” I told her as I finished eating and moved to sit closer to her.

“But I got the email like three days ago so it should be here.” She tells me as she shows me her phone.

“Okay, but what if you accidentally delete it or move it?” I asked her.

“I didn’t delete it.”

“I’m saying, what if you did?” I repeated as I looked through her email then did a type search while showing her how to do it. "All you do is click the search and type the email so it can look for it."

“There! It’s that one.” She said pointing at it.

I clicked on it. “Okay. It’s in this folder right here if you need to open it again.” I tried explaining to her.

“You're going to have to show me this again. I don’t understand all these emails and stuff,” she said as she took her phone back.

“Mom, you're on a computer at work. I’m sure you know how to work with emails.” I said as I shook my head reaching for my plate to put in the sink.

“It’s just different at work,” she said, putting her phone down to look at me. “Your dad said he’ll be here around two.”

“Was that the email you were looking for?”

“No, but he does message me like it's an email,” she said, shaking her head.

“Are we going to stay here all day?”

“That’s up to you. What do you want to do? Shall we stay at home or go out?” She asks me.

I thought about this and I sighed, “I guess go out? I’m sure you don’t want to be stuck with him in the same room for hours.”

She shook her head, “No, this isn’t about me. It’s what you want to do and comfortable doing.”

I thought about this for a while before turning to her as an idea popped in my head. “Let’s go to the pier that’s at the beach. Elliot and I go to this nice small restaurant and I’ve been wanting you to try their food. We can walk around for a while and it’ll be nice just being there then stay at home.”

She smiled softly, “That sounds like a fantastic idea. I haven’t gone to the beach in such a long time. Maybe I’ll have your dad meet us there instead of coming here.” she said as she reached for her phone again and sent a message to my dad.

“Mom, about that trip you mentioned for the summer...” I said, looking down. “Let’s go somewhere in the mountains or somewhere more resort.”

She looked at me as she thought about it. “Alright. I was thinking we can rent a little house instead of a hotel. What do you think?”

“That would be cool,” I said, thoughtfully, before glancing at my phone. “I haven’t talked about it with Elliot though but I’m sure he will say yes.”

“Michael, have you thought about doing other things with your friends during summer?” she asked.

“No, not really. Why?”

“Maybe you should see them a bit more while Elliot is preparing for college. I know there is a possible chance that he could move out to live in the college dorm, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend all summer together,” she tells me. “I think it’ll be healthy for you to be with other people as well.”

I nod, “I know. I’ve just gotten myself comfortable with Elliot that sometimes I’m not sure how to act when I’m with my other friends and that gets me nervous.”

“Why don't you use the time you have now to be with them. I don’t want you to distance yourself away from your friends after school is over. Sometimes it's hard to rebuild friendship after time apart.” she said as if warning me. “Maybe they won’t end the friendship over a vacation, but it’ll be nice to still see other people when you have the chance.”

I looked down, taking a breath as I got out of my chair. “Okay, I understand. I’m gonna go get ready now.”

I closed the door behind me, I thought about what she said to me and I knew she meant well, but I don’t want to go out with people worrying about having a panic attack or an episode that they might not know how to handle me. But then again, it wasn’t so bad when we went bowling Saturday and it wasn’t like I entirely messed up when we hung out the first time at Fernando's house yet I still shouldn’t have jumped in the pool. I probably should hang out with them more during the summer when I have the chance so I can be more comfortable with them. I stayed in my room after I had gotten ready and spent my time watching videos on my phone until my mom called me when we were ready to leave the house. It was quiet between us during the car ride until we reached the beach and we walked towards the pier after we found parking.

It wasn’t so difficult to spot Dad with Lily as they walked over to us and we all treated each other while I gave Lily a hug then we took our time walking around. The only ones talking were my mom and Lily while Dad didn’t have much to say in the conversation, and neither did I, but it wasn't like the silence was a bother. We stopped at the little shops before coming across the diner that I mentioned and we made our way inside to eat. They were looking over the menu, pondering, while I got my usual and they would ask me for recommendations since I invited them to this restaurant. We had a decent conversation over dinner and after we continued on exploring the pier until it was time for Dad to leave. I stood by the side of the pier looking over the water enjoying the view and mom stepped away for a second to talk with my dad before he left.

“Your dad’s gone.” Mom said walking over to stand beside me.

“I think it went okay,” I said turning to her. “Even though dad was pretty quiet the whole time.”

“So were you,” she replied as she looked over at me. “Have you completely lost touch with your dad after that discussion?”

I shook my head, “No, it's more that I just don’t want to share too much with him anymore.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to see your dad after you turn eighteen,” she tells me as we started walking back to the car.

“Mom…” I mumbled. “Have you also thought about seeing someone like Dad dating Lily?”

She looked at me, “Where did this come from?”

“I was thinking about it right now,” I said as I got inside the car and put on my seat belt before continuing on the conversation. “Or is it because you're too busy with work and me to have time to date?”

She smiled, almost wanting to laugh. “Oh, honey, it’s been years since I’ve gone on a date. I don’t even know a man to have romantic feelings for.”

I tried to hide my smile and shrug my shoulders, “So you’re okay by yourself?

“Yes, I don’t mind it,” she answered. “After the divorce with your dad, I focused on myself trying to build a career and I've gotten used to being by myself. Now, I have you. So, yes, I also want to focus on you as well and I am glad to have you around.”

“After I graduate from high school and you have the opportunity to meet someone I wouldn’t mind it.” I tell her.

We finally arrived at the house and she smiled turning to look at me. “I think I don’t mind waiting a few years before deciding if I want to be with someone and remember being in a long-term relationship is a lot of commitment.”

“Or how about dating a woman?” I asked, playfully, as I got out of the car. “I mean if dad messed it up for you then you can meet a woman instead.”

Mom laughed walking up to the door and unlocked it. “Oh, what a proud family we will be,” she said, taking off her coat once inside and setting it on the couch.

“I was just joking, but hey, you never know mom,” I said walking to the kitchen.

“Oh, Michael, if I ever find a love interest in a woman, I promise that I will run to you first,” she said, still laughing as she went to her room.