Chapter 22

After getting ready, we made our way to the clinic to do a physical test and see if they can make a new prescription for antidepressants so I can use them for now. I will have to see what the psychiatrist could prescribe me after as well when I start going for sessions. They cleared me when getting my result an hour later and the doctor agreed to renew my antidepressant after consulting with my mom. We went to the pharmacy to pick up the medication and as I'm looking at it I recall a few side effects that I experienced. I sighed as I leaned my head against the window as I closed my eyes still feeling tired.

“You're going to have to create a schedule for yourself. Should we make a little board or you want to mark it on your phone?” She asked as we were pulling up to a fast-food drive-thru to grab a quick lunch to take home. “Or maybe a notebook would be better?”

I didn’t answer right away.

The doctor noted that I was underweight and suggested controlling my eating habits unless I wanted to meet with a nutritionist. Not only am I dealing with my mental health, but I was damaging my body and honestly I know I don't have a big appetite yet I didn’t pay too much attention to it to see that it could be a risk factor. I didn’t want to know what else is wrong with me, but how else am I going to get better now? My mom ordered once we reached the speaker and I set the bottle on the side as I reached for my phone to text Elliot; even though I know he’s still in class. When going through my messages I noticed there was a text from Luis and he wrote a whole essay that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to reply back right away.

“Michael.”

I looked up, “What?”

“I asked if you need anything from the market so we can stop by before going home.” She asked, turning to me.

“Oh, no, I’m okay,” I answered.

“Alright.” She said as she started making her way home after grabbing the food.

We ate quietly and maybe because I'm still not feeling well I couldn’t finish eating but my mom made sure I at least finished the burger that she got me. We talked about seeing a psychiatrist because while I was asleep it seemed like there were a few locations nearby and she wanted to make sure I was comfortable going tomorrow, but it didn’t matter to me if I was comfortable or not because in the end I need to meet with one. I already met one while I was in the hospital and I already knew how everything works in their system. I took one of the pills after I was done eating and helped clean up before I went to my room to lay down on my bed deciding to take a nap. When I woke up, I was surprised to see Elliot sitting there beside me on his phone and I was curious if I was dreaming him here for a second.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him.

“I wanted to check in on you.” He said as he put his phone down and turned to him. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” I answered as I closed my eyes again knowing now that I wasn't hallucinating. “I saw the doctor today and tomorrow I’m going to see the psychiatrist. The doctor renewed my antidepressant just for now until the psychiatrist suggested a different medication and apparently I’m also underweight which is why I’ve been sick with the cold.”

“So you have to keep a schedule on your eating?” He asked as he moved to lay down and reached out to hold my hand.

“Yeah… they want me to go back in two weeks to make sure I’ve gained weight or I’ll be seeing a nutritionist.” I answered as I opened my eyes to look at him. “Did you talk to Luis? He messaged me this long paragraph, but I didn’t know what to reply back.”

“You don’t have to. I already talked to him and I think for now just give him some space while you deal with all of this.” Elliot suggested. “It’s okay if you want to be alone while you settle everything.”

I rest my head on his shoulder, “What did my mom and you talk about? I know you talk to her behind my back.”

“Nothing much. She’s just worried.” He answered. “A little upset that she didn’t know about everything that was going and to find out that you have been feeling unwell.”

I sighed softly, “I was supposed to tell her, but I just got nervous and never did.”

“You need to talk more about how you feel. It doesn’t matter if it sounds silly to you, or you're afraid it’ll hurt us, or that we wouldn’t care,” Elliot tells me. “We want to hear them.”

I didn’t say anything as I nodded.

“Michael…”

“No, I’m sorry, I will do that,” I said looking back at him. “I’ll tell you and my mom.”

“And also this new psychiatrist that you’ll be seeing. You tell them everything and don’t ever leave anything out.” He said as he slowly got up and reached for his backpack.

“Are you leaving already?”

“I was only allowed to stay for a bit until you wake up.” He answered and walked around the bed to stand beside me. “I’ll come back tomorrow if you want me to. Now, go eat something and hang out with your mom.”

He leaned over to kiss me and I nod to his response, “Alright.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said as he walked out of the room.

I laid there for a while until I got out of bed and went to the living room seeing my mom on her phone. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Just doing research.” She said, looking up at me. “Want me to get you something to eat? You slept for a good couple of hours.”

“How long was I asleep for?” I asked as I checked the time.

“Maybe four hours. It was two when you went to your room and it’s about to be seven.” She answered and moved to walk to the kitchen. “I’ll just serve you something small. Is potato salad fine?”

“Yeah,” I sat down on the sofa and turned on the television just to have some sound. “How long was Elliot waiting here? He left so soon after I woke up.”

“Maybe an hour? He said he had volleyball practice so he couldn’t come by right away after school ended.” She said as she walked back to hand me a plate.

I held the plate in my hand for a while because I wasn’t feeling too hungry, but I knew that my mom would press on me so I took my time eating. “You should have woken me up if he was here. I feel bad that he waited a while.”

“No, he didn’t want to wake you.” She said as she watched me. “Michael, when school is over let’s go on a vacation. I don’t think we’ve ever had the chance to when you were young and just spend some time together vacationing. Maybe we can get a place by the beach or a nice cabin in the mountains.”

I glanced over at her, “A vacation?”

“Yeah, it’ll be nice. You can invite Elliot if his parents allow him to come along, but you guys will be having separate beds.” She added.

I smiled, “Mom…”

“Nope, I’m not having it.” She said, cutting me off. “Or it’ll be separate rooms if you misbehave.”

I shook my head, “Are you being serious about this? What about work?”

“I can ask for a vacation. It won’t hurt us.” She answered. “Besides I’m going to change my hours at work to be around more often.”

“Why?” I asked, confused. “You don’t have to do that just to keep an eye on me.”

“It’s not to keep an eye on you. I think I’ve been working a little too much that it feels like I’m not always around and I already missed so much when you were young... You're going to start your senior year in a couple of months.” She explains and shrugs her shoulders. “I should try to put more time for you and on what you need.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I have to and there’s nothing wrong with it.” She tells me as she watches me.

I didn’t say anything afterward.

I continued eating until my plate was empty and we spent the rest of the night watching anything that was on television and I got another serving after a while realizing that I was a little more hungry then I thought. At nine, my mom decided to go to bed and I went to bed a little past ten, finally able to go to sleep after an hour of laying in bed. By morning we got ready to head out of the house after having breakfast and it seemed like the only psychiatrist that was available was at the local hospital and it made me nervous just thinking that we still had to go to the hospital in the end. My mom had to do a few paperwork while we waited and gave them our insurance information before they could call me in.

I was trying to not be nervous because it’s not my first time meeting a psychiatrist, but it was still unnerving and played with the rubber band on my wrist hoping the fidgeting can help calm my nerves. It might have taken us almost an hour just waiting to be called and my mom had to stay behind in the waiting room. I was being led by a tall woman, black high heels, a blue floral dress and I could see the hospital badge around her neck. She opened a door to her office and it honestly looked like I was stepping into someone's living room; there were couches that's in front of her desk, numerous plants placed around the room and she had large windows viewing the parking lot.

“Hello, Michael. I am Dr. Brown.” She introduced herself as she stood a few feets away from me and I crossed my arms over my chest trying to not feel uncomfortable. “I want to thank you for being able to come to see me today. Please, pick any place that you want to sit.”

I was still looking around the room which was pretty bare with small plants and flowers placed around the room and the coffee table that's between the couches. I moved over to sit on a couch that is closest to the window, it was a bit of a small sitting area, and she sat down across from me. I can see her with a file on her hand and maybe she hasn’t had a chance to review my profile since this was a sudden appointment. I took a small breath looking outside and I wasn’t too sure where I should start in the conversation or how much I should day to her. This isn’t my first session but this was a new doctor that I have never met before and I wasn’t too sure where I wanted to start.

“Um, nice to meet you,” I said, awkwardly.

“ So, what brought you in for today? It says here it's been almost a year since your last visit to a psychiatrist,” she said as she set the file to the side and looked over at me. “Did something happen that caused you to want to see someone today?”

I took a deep breath as I was trying to see where I should start.

“I think my depression has gotten worse then I expected and it feels like everything has slowly been escalating.” I began as I reached out for the small pillow that was beside me and held it. “I kind of had a bad episode the day before yesterday.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” she asks me. “If it’s too soon to talk about it then, what would you like to tell me?”

“Well, it’s a lot that has been going on for me and it’s been going on for years,” I said, and I slowly began to tell her everything that was going recently from my visit to my dad and to the discussion with Luis.

I tried to explain in detail because if I don’t tell her about everything now then I’ll have to tell her another day and I didn’t want to wait that long. I already knew how it should go when doing these sessions and I wanted this to at least be helpful now while I still feel in control of myself. After I was done talking I stayed quiet for a while as she was writing down on her notebook and after she finished she turned to me.

“I’m sorry that things have gotten so difficult for you these past few months. The anxiety seemed to have overpowered you and sometimes this does lead to unconscious actions that we ourselves don’t attend to do.” she began to explain. “When you said that maybe you had these sucidical thoughts like drown or hide those pills, that’s either called passive suicidal ideation or past suicide attempt. This does mean that you have created these suicide preparations or act on unconsciously, but you have no plans to commit suicide or wanting to die. Consider it as a mechanism that your body created without your awareness or attention.”

I thought about this and looked down at the pillow that I’m holding. “I guess I was overwhelmed with everything that was going on… Maybe that’s why I did all that.”

“Were you worried that if things got worse that you would have done something as close to hurting yourself?” she asks me.

I didn’t answer right away, “Maybe. I’ve done it before, but I didn’t want to harm myself again and I guess I was just scared of what would happen afterward if I did.”

“Because you have people that you care about?”

“Yes… I had no one when I was living with my dad for a few years and now I have my mom around, my boyfriend, and friends.” I answered, glancing out the window. “I have more to lose now and I’m scared of all that to disappear. I like how it feels to be around them and having them by my side.”

“Michael, it’s okay to be anxious because it only shows how important these people are for you and that’s great because life is about the people you have to share that with,” she tells me and for a second I can imagine Elliot saying this.

I nod my head as I didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Also, we can also mark this as high functioning anxiety and what that means is when a person has anxiety or worries that don’t ease even when you think life has gotten better; when you're not satisfied with how things are going in your life. Also, this goes to being uncomfortable to express your feelings and having to constantly please others when you're not satisfied with yourself,” she explained. “Do you have any connections with any of that?”

I thought about this for a long minute before nodding my head, “I actually agree with all of that.” I said and turned to her. “But I thought all of that was because of my depression? Or that I have PTSD.”

“High functioning anxiety isn’t in a category for disorders, but it’s part of the roots for anxiety disorder. Depending on your condition it can come down to relating to post-traumatic stress disorder,” she explained. “You shouldn’t have to worry about all of this because we're going to slowly explore and find out what can help you with your anxiety and depression. I also see that you went back on antidepressants yesterday and I will also prescribe you anti-anxiety medication just to help you since it seems like this anxiety has become more daily; which also triggers those panic attacks as well. Within the time, we’ll lower those doses after you have more control with your anxiety so you won’t have to depend on them and I’m sure in a few years you won’t be needing them.”

I thought about the idea of taking more pills, “I didn’t like taking the antidepressants when they had me on it after I was released from the hospital two years ago. It gave me insomnia and I didn’t eat so much which I still don’t have a big appetite now.” I informed her.

“Well, those are common side effects when being on the pills, but we can always adjust the dosage and see how they work for you. It could be possible that they were too strong for you and you were having these side effects,” she answered. “If there are any problems when being on these medications then you tell me or your doctor right away. We will help you through with finding the right medicine for you and that can help ease your life for the better.”

“During the time I wasn’t taking the medication, my boyfriend told me to count when I’m feeling anxious… It actually helps, but not always.” I mentioned.

“Counting helps. It’s a great mechanism to help distract your mind; like drawing or writing. As long as you have your brain moving away from that anxious thought then you can easily snap out of that mindset that you're going through.” she tells me. “How about this idea, since our session is about to be over, let’s write a journal and that way I can learn more about you as well. Let’s start today or tomorrow, Write down how you feel waking up, write all that you ate for the day since you said that your trying to control your appetite and by the time you go to bed write how you feel at that moment; maybe add in about how you thought your day went and what you liked about your day or what went wrong. Just write everything and just keep at it for every day of the week.”

“If I do that, will you be reading it?” I asked her.

“No. Unless you want me to. If you want, you can share it with your mom or your boyfriend instead.” she suggested. “Anyone that you are comfortable with or don’t share it at all. That’s up to you. But this exercise is to help relieve the stress you dealt with during your day, reflect why you felt how you felt, and also to look at what made your day feel great.”

I looked down at the pillow again and poked at the fabric, “Alright.”

Dr. Brown gave me a small smile, “I hope you would come back again next week. I’m sure whatever you're going through would ease after sticking with the program and we can keep working together.”

“I want that…” I said glancing over at her.

“Alright. Let’s end it for today and see what day is better for you to return next week,” she said as she stood up and walked over to the door while I followed behind her. “Do the journal and we can see where we can go from there.”

I turned to her as my mom walked over to us after seeing me stepping out of the office, “Thank you.”

Dr. Brown smiled softly, “No, thank you for coming today.”

My mom had to stop by the front desk again before we could leave and I thought about everything that we talked about during our session. I thought about all that Dr. Brown said and I wondered about the word ‘high functioning anxiety’ and her explanation of the possible suicidal tendencies. We went to the pharmacy as my mom put in the order for the medication prescription and I walked around the store trying to distract myself while we waited. I came across a large three-section notebook and I reached out to grab it to take it with me. After some time, we finally left the store and while we sat in the car my mom was looking over the new medication that was prescribed: Benzodiazepines.

“I don’t think I’ve heard of this word before…” she mumbled.

I reached for my phone and googled the medicine. “It says it's to relax and ease chronic anxiety disorder… Side effects can be dizziness, headaches, and nausea.” I read out loud and slowly put my phone down. “You think these pills will help?”

“Well, for now, you have to see if they help you. If you don’t feel right after some time we can always go back to your doctor.” She said as she hands me the bottle and starts the car to drive back home.

I looked at my phone seeing the messages from Luis and Jennifer that I haven’t replied back to when I got a new message from Elliot. “Can Elliot come over?”

“Sure. Will he be staying for dinner?” she asked.

“Maybe. I’ll ask him.”

After getting off the car and arriving at the house, I went straight to my room to clean it since I haven’t bothered since Monday, but there wasn’t much to clean since my mom cleaned up while I was asleep and I just feel more comfortable being able to pick up my own mess. When it came to four in the evening, I heard the bell ring as Elliot arrived and I went over to open the door for him trying to lead him to my room while he made a stop to greet my mom. I waited because he always had more than a few words to say to her every time they saw each other, but it’s not something for me to be complaining about since they’ve gotten so close.

“Come on, are you here to see me or my mom?” I asked him.

“Are you saying that you're jealous of your own mother?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I laughed, “No, but you always have a story to say to her.”

“Well, it’s your mom. I have to make sure she likes me to still have me come over,” he replied.

“Doesn’t she already does? What more are you trying to impress?”

He smiled as he leaned over to kiss me. “I know, but it’s cute how you get annoyed by it.”

I kissed him back before moving to be able to lean against him, my back against his chest, as I reached out for the notebook that my mom bought me. “So, I met my psychiatrist, Dr. Brown. I had an hour-long session with her today and I just told her everything that was going on recently.” I told him as I began to draw out a chart on the pages.

“You want to tell me about it?” he asked.

“Yes, because I rather you know what is going on and not leave you out of the dark. You're my boyfriend so I think you should at least know what’s going on and, like you said, I need to learn to express myself.” I answered as I paused to look at him before continuing on writing. “My mom mentioned this yesterday and I didn’t think much of it until Dr. Brown suggested it as well.”

“And what did they suggest?” he asked as he looked at what I was writing and I could feel his head leaning against mine as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

“Write how I feel when I wake up and when I go to bed, what I ate during the day, and I guess my mood as well,” I explained as I showed him what I wrote on the notebook which is an outline of those questions and space for me to fill them in.

“Hm, that sounds like a great idea. I never thought about that,” he said, smiling at me. “You better keep at it.”

“I will… And I want to share it with you too.” I said as I slowly closed the notebook and set it aside.

“Me? And who else?” he asked, confused.

“You, maybe my mom, maybe Dr. Brown.” I answered.

“Are you sure you want me to read it?” he asked again.

“Yes, because if I don’t write it then I probably won’t be telling anyone on how I feel,” I answered as I slowly moved to face him and I took a deep breath. “I have a hard time telling people how I feel because I still feel like my voice doesn’t matter… I know it matters to you which is why I want you to read it, but I’m still scared to share with everyone else and I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable to be open to others.”

Elliot looked at me and reached out to brush my cheek. “Does this have to do with the talk between you and Luis?” he asked.

“Yes, no. Maybe... Maybe it partly is, but it also counts with my dad when I tried talking to him and when I was afraid to trust Caesar when he tried to help me.” I tried to explain. “I just can’t be open about my feelings in general. Sometimes it's easy to tell you about how I feel, but at the same time I worry about what I say and how it can be taken differently than it sounds.”

“Alright. I’ll read it, but just know if there’s anything that I don’t like that’s written on here, that I see as a warning, then I will take action and say something to your mom or reach out to your doctor,” he tells me. “If you’re afraid to ask for more help then just write it down.”

I looked down, glancing at the notebook, and nodded my head. “Alright. I will”

“And Michael.”

I turned to him, “What?”

“Will you be okay going back to school tomorrow? Seeing everyone and going to your classes…” he asked.

I shrug my shoulders, “I’m doing fine in my classes and I’m passing them so I’m not worried about that. Of course I’m worried about seeing Luis and everyone else because how am I going to explain to them why I’ve disappeared.”

“You don’t have to explain it to anyone if you don’t want to.”

“Of course I do. I mean maybe not so much everyone else, but at least to Luis and maybe Jennifer should know.” I said. “I’m back to taking antidepressants and now I’m also going to be taking another pill called benzos…benzodiazepines. I don’t know if they’ll work or I’ll be having side effects from them. I don’t know if they’ll give me a different pill later on.”

Elliot took a deep breath and nod, “Okay, we can tell them. Do you still want to go out this weekend with them?”

I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t know. I want to say no because I don’t want to go when I’m not fully recovered and I don’t think I should but I also feel like I should just have some fresh air.”

“Then you decide what to do and we can join them if you change your mind. I don't care what we do in the end."

Looking at Elliot, I moved over to sit back against his lap and I pulled his arms so they could hug me again. “You’re so stupid.”

Elliot hugged me tighter, “What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

He began to tickle me and I laughed, “What?”

I continued to laugh until I was able to get out of his arms, “No more.” I said breathlessly.

“Oh, come on, you started this,” he said, sitting up more to try and grab me.

I smiled, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

He pulled me back and I almost fell on top of him. “Come on, you need to make up for skipping school and not being with me.”

“I haven’t been skipping. Oh, also for the project, do I have to have a partner? There’s no way I’ll be able to have it done Friday and find a partner to work with.” I said as I remembered about my classes.

“Well, it’s easy enough to do it alone, but you also have to present it in front of the class. Can you do all that on your own?” He asked me.

“I think so. You think she’ll give me until Monday?”

“No. You're too privileged just because you're sick.”

I smack his arm, “Then you do it for me.”

“I’m kidding. If you talk to her then I’m sure that she will be fine with it and we might not even get through the whole class on Friday so you're saved.” He answered.

“Alright.”

“Boys, dinner is ready.” I hear my mom say as she knocks at my door.

“Come on,” Elliot said.

Elliot stayed for another hour after dinner as we sat in the living room with my mom as he told her about his volleyball game that’s coming up and the plan for the hang out on Saturday. For a second, I could see the concern on her face as we talked about our plans and I had to reassure her. I feel like I’ve been using that excuse far too often that I’m not sure she’ll believe it anymore but she was more at ease knowing that Elliot will be there and I’m honestly fine if my mom has more trust with Elliot compared to me at this point. I’ve felt a bit more at ease with how I’ve been feeling and I’m trying not to be worried about anything else that could set me back.

“Okay, I’ll see you in the morning,” Elliot said as I walked him to his car.

“Let’s buy breakfast and pick up Luis on our way to school,” I suggested.

Elliot raised an eyebrow, “You want to?”

I nod, “Is that fine?”

“It is. We can do that.” He said as he looked at me then reached out to hug me. “You’ll be fine.”

I hugged him back. “I know,” I whispered.

After he pulled away he got in his car and I made my way back inside the house to get ready for bed. I made sure I took my medicine while I messaged Luis then sat down in my bed, grabbed my notebook and just started writing. I might have stayed up an hour extra because I was distracted at what I was writing and after yawning a few times I finally set the book down going to bed.

Flashback 5

It’s been a month since the argument with Caesar and he’s been distant with me. He refused to talk to me in the beginning and soon after he stopped acknowledging me altogether. I knew he was mad, but I didn’t expect this result and it didn’t help that Chris has been distant as well; even though I needed the space. I was walking home from school when I felt someone push my shoulder almost making me trip over and I turned around to see that it was Chris’s best friend. I never knew his name. I liked him because he always had this mad expression like anything you do would piss him off and I guess I might have done something for him to come after me today.

“Get out of the way.” He tells me.

I looked at the group of people to see who was with him.

“Your boyfriend isn’t here.” He tells me, grabbing me by the collar to lift me up before tossing me to the ground again and I cut the palm of my hands trying to catch myself.

I was confused for a second as I quickly stood up and stepped back before he reached out to me again. “Stop it. I didn’t do anything.”

“If Chris can have you as his toy then why can’t we have some fun.” he tells me as he hits me across the face and I stumbled back down again.

I felt my breath getting heavy as I started to panic because I know they won’t just stop from just tossing me to the ground and as he walked over to me I took that chance to get up quickly to start running. I was lucky to outrun them for a few blocks and I took the fastest route to get home, making sure that they wouldn't catch me. I was breathless as I was grabbing my keys from my pockets and I leaned against the door trying to calm down. I knew it would be a matter of time that Chris's friends would end up bullying me considering that they never liked me or gave me much of a notice when I’m around.

I reached for my phone and started calling Chris.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Hey, it’s me,” I said as I double-checked that the door was locked and made my way to the restroom.

“What do you want?”

“Your friends… They tried to beat me up right now.” I told him as I leaned over to the sink to check myself in the mirror.

“And?” he responded.

I saw a red mark on my face and I paused for a second after hearing his response. “What do you mean ‘and’? You think it’s okay for them to just jump me?” I asked him, clearly upset at his reply.

“I don’t have time for this,” he said and hung up.

I stood there for a second before I put my phone down and I leaned back against the wall as I thought about his nonchalant response leaving me wondering if this will be his attitude from now on. I reached for my phone again and looked through my contact list before finding the name and I paused for a second before pressing the button. The phone rang only for a second before it gave me a dial tone and I looked down at the screen before hanging up. Caesar wouldn't be my number. I was stupid to think that he would answer if I were to call him and to say what? That I made a mistake and hope that he can forgive me?

I leaned over the counter, gripped the edge, as I didn’t know what to do and I did mess up not getting help from Caesar while Chris has completely ignored me that his friends now find me as their new victim. My breath became heavy as I started to feel overwhelmed thinking about everything that’s happened the past three years and now there’s no one that I can go to… Dad hardly ever comes home unless to sleep and whenever I am out with Chris he never once asked what I was doing nor asked questions when he saw the bruises. I had a hard time breathing as I felt my hands gripping the counter and realized that there was nothing else that I could do to fix this.

What else can I do?

Once I was able to calm myself, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and just stared off mindlessly before turning away going to my room tossing my backpack to the ground. I crawled to my bed, curling up, as I thought about what happened at the party and remembering the words Caesar was telling me. What would have happened if I stepped through that door with Caesar and told the principal about my relationship with Chris? I wouldn’t be surprised if Chris denied the whole thing and his friends would have backed him up if they were questioned. Dad acknowledged my sexuality, but he never cared to know more about my life and I'm sure he would be embarrassed to get a call from school for another incident. Then there’s mom… she’s not going to come and help me… I haven’t even seen her in years.

I pulled the covers over myself pondering on these thoughts only to conclude that it didn't matter if I said anything and nothing would've happened in the end. Nothing was ever going to change and this was all my fault. It’s my fault because I let all this happen while sticking around Chris, being involved in a toxic relationship, and I just lost the only person I trust because I was scared. I have no one now…

As time went by, the school year ended and Chris stopped hanging around me so much that I didn’t mind it. I didn’t have to leave my house until summer school started, but it only showed how alone I am as I spent most of my days in my room where it was more comfortable. Caesar never contacted me, Dad was spending most of his free time with his new girlfriend, while I spent my days wandering alone in my room. What have I done for Chris to suddenly behave the way he is and there were times that I wondered how I could have stopped this from continuing on. Was it when he first kissed me when we were alone at his house? When I went to the party and he pulled me upstairs with him? Was it when I looked at him in middle school on my first day of school after I transferred and he looked back?

Weeks passed by, I was laying in bed reaching for my phone after hearing ringing five minutes ago and I saw that I received a message; I hardly get one unless it’s from my dad or it can be Chris checking to see what I was doing. Our conversation never lasts long after a few text messages between each other and the only reason Chris bothers to text me now is because we have summer school together; no surprise we have the same class. It seemed like we were both failing in math, but he was spending more time with me to help him pass the class and being home more was the only thing that could relax me.

I didn’t mind summer school until I walked into the classroom to see Chris sitting there and I felt myself catch my breath feeling like I had no choice but to sit beside him like the day we first met. Chris’s friends weren’t in the class, which made me feel at ease since the bullying, but I still remembered them coming after me during the end of the school year. There were times that I was terrified to go to school and be caught in their game. Today was Saturday, dad said he was going to spend the whole day with his girlfriend so I decided to stay in bed only because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. Every day it’s been school, homework, and sleep. I think the only thing that changed more was these panic nerves feeling that I’ve never experienced before and I could only find one way to calm myself.

I don’t know what happened to my body, I would have a hard time breathing feeling as if I’m drowning and it terrified me; whether I’m alone or after seeing Chris. It took me a while to stop this reaction and it was by harming myself which I honestly don’t remember how it happened or why I was doing this to myself. It feels like my mind goes blank when I do this. I never thought I could do this to myself, but this was just a new instinct that I felt like I have some control and all these new emotions have left me feeling uncertain of myself.

I laid there wondering if dad had even noticed or maybe chose not to say anything. I sat up knowing that Chris was going to come by tonight, so he said in his text, and I honestly don’t want him over. It was just making me nervous that I was going to be alone with him and I’ve just been scared to say no to him; honestly, I’ve just wanted everything to end. Maybe I’ve just become numbed or my emotions have become unstable and I wanted everything to end between us now; end all these feelings that have been building up, end the person that I’ve become. I left my room making my way downstairs as I waited patiently, standing alone in silence, when I heard the doorbell and my stomach hurt as I made up my mind.

“I’m coming,” I mumbled as I moved to open the door.

I took a step back to let him in as he walked to the living room looking around before turning to me. “How long is your dad going to be gone?”

“I’m not sure.” I answered, feeling my heart beating fast.

He starts to take off his jacket, “Let’s go upstairs to your room.”

“I don’t want to.” I said, my breath coming out short as I shook my head.

Chris looked at me before moving closer, “So, then here?”

I looked up at him trying to keep calm. “No, I only let you come over to tell you that... that we’re over... I’m done with this; us.”

Chris reached out to put his hands on my neck, brushing his fingers on my jaw. “Is this because I haven’t been around much? You know, you've been a bit weird too and don't think I haven't noticed.”

I stared at him, my heart beating so fast that it hurts, and I tried to get the words out. “I just can’t do it anymore. I just want it to end...You aren’t the same anymore. You’re someone that I just don’t know and I’m scared to be around you.”

I felt Chris hold getting tighter and I reached up to grab his hands that were holding me. “What are you talking about?” he said.

I struggled to get out of his hold for a second. “You don’t want anything from me anymore… You only use me when you’re bored and I’m just sick of it.” I said with the words rushing out of my mouth because of the panic I’m feeling.

“Yeah, sick of it? You were nothing before meeting me and I guess you're still nothing now,” he tells me as he still holds on to me and he pushes me against the wall. “You don’t have anything. Who fucking cares about you beside me, Michael?”

“That’s all your fault,” I say as I try to shove him. “No one approaches me anymore because they’re scared of you doing something to them and you also made sure they don’t come near me like I’m your property. That’s not how a relationship works. You don’t own a person.”

Chris raised his fist and I braced myself, “You have no one left for you, but me. Might as well just give it up on this idea that’s going through your head. All you can do is just stay by my side.”

I felt tears running down my face as I tried to attack him back, but he was obviously stronger than me that he was able to grab me and toss me to the floor. I lost my breath for a second as I began to crawl away from him, wanting distance between him, until there was a tug on my pants that I turned to see him trying to pull me back. Everything was escalating and I was beginning to panic and my chest felt so tight making my breath come out short.

“Stop. Just stop this already.” I pleaded as I’m kicking him because it was the only thing I could do. “You’ve gone too far. Can’t you see what you’ve done? I just want everything to stop. All of it.”

We were fighting with each other, he’s more built compared to me so in the end he was on top of me with my back against the floor and I was trying to push him off me. He suddenly grabbed me around the neck again and I froze looking up at him feeling like he was cutting the circulation as he held me with so much tension. My panic was making me lose my senses and it felt like I was gasping trying to kick him off me with the little strength I have. I was terrified that I could only hear the pounding of my heart and clawed at his hands trying to get him to let go of me. His eyes were engraving onto mine that I couldn’t look away and I just didn’t know the person that’s on top of me. His hands, his face, the words that he said were of someone that I just don’t recognize.

“I’m sorry,” I cried until he finally let go of me and I turned over coughing,

“Michael, let’s just stop it here today,” Chris said as he looked down at my face and brushed his hand over my neck. “And we can talk about it again later.”

I watched cautiously as just his hands touching my skin was making me want to throw up and it felt like it was burning into my skin. My stomach, my throat, everything hurts so much. I couldn’t turn my head away from him and I didn’t answer back to him afraid to say something that would have him return.

“What else is left for you? Your dad is never there for you, your mom left you, Caesar gave up on you, and what else is there?” He said as he stood up and I stayed where I was laying on the ground. “I’ll let you cool off and tomorrow you can come over to my house.”

I watched him from where I was laying as he walked out of the house and I couldn’t relax until a couple of minutes passed to make sure he wasn’t coming back. Slowly, I felt myself gasping loudly as I started to sob while getting up and walked over to the door to make sure it was locked. Leaned against the door, I tried catching my breath because I could still feel my hands trembling as I covered my face and suddenly felt all sorts of emotions coming up. I took my time going upstairs, went to the restroom and threw up for a while; I didn’t eat today so I didn’t have much in my system. I was in the bathroom hurling everything or anything until it finally stopped and I washed my mouth before going to my room locking the door behind me.

I was feeling a little lightheaded so I closed my eyes trying to figure out what I was going to do and turned facing the door while covering my face as if trying to hide. I just wanted to scream; maybe I am because in my mind I’m screaming at the top of my voice. I reached for my phone, deciding to call my dad, and it rang for a couple of minutes but it would go to voicemail so I tried again. I hung up when there was still no answer so I went over to my bed and sat there biting my nail feeling anxious. What was I going to do? He’s going to come back tomorrow and made sure that I was going to leave with him, but what’s going to happen after? I can’t even believe the words that I said to him and how I even tried to break up with him as if it was so easy. It was never going to be easy with him.

I reached my hands up to my neck beginning to panic as I tried to breathe but it was coming out short as if Chris’s hands were still holding me and my mind was jumping to so many conclusions that I wasn’t sure which to believe or which thought was just overbearing. My hands were shaking as I'm trying to grab my phone again and call my dad but still no answer. This anxious feeling that’s overpowering me has me shaking and it took a lot longer for it to pass that I needed to find a new solution.

I need to get away so he can’t get me; I began to think.

Once I was able to stop my hands from shaking, I stepped out of my room to walk down the stairs where I paused at the front door and wondered where I was supposed to go. Where do I go from here? Where would I even go? Caesar wasn’t answering me and I think I heard that he was moving but did he already leave? No, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to see me at this point. He’ll just close the door on my face telling me that it was too late because I didn’t go in with him to the principal office. I slowly took a step back as I looked over at the living room to see the mess we made during the struggle and I turned away to walk to the kitchen. I don’t know what happened, but I realized how quiet, calm, the house felt with nobody around that it was putting me at ease.

I can feel my head pounding from this rollercoaster of emotions that I’m going through so I grabbed the bottle of pain-killers and began to walk back to my room. I sat at my desk placing the bottle to the side after I took two pills and I sat there while my mind was recalling everything that happened downstairs. I grabbed the book that was in front of me then stood up flinging it across the room hitting the wall. Everything that I saw in front of me, at my reach, I just began to destroy and I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I've had enough and to be told that it was all my fault. I’m feeling my whole body aching and I only want all of this to go away now.They were all right to blame me, I let everything happen. It's my fault.

I stood in the middle of my room suddenly feeling like I’m able to breathe, be at ease, while I turned to walk back to my desk. I couldn’t understand why I’m so calm as I imagined myself not being around and how this was the only way for me to be able to get away; just have it all done with. Everything will end because I wouldn’t be here and finally escape. Maybe it’s not escaping, but the thought that it’ll be over was pleasing. I looked at the bottle reaching out to grab it, taking out three or four or five pills. I sighed as I just began taking them without counting while my mind pondered: this room is the only place no one has hurt me but myself.

How many did I take?

I moved to lay down on the bed simply waiting as I stare up at the ceiling. Now that I’ve calmed down, I reached for my covers to pull it over myself and I thought about what I just did. In my mind, I began to question myself: Was this all I could do? I pondered on that question for a while and there wasn’t any other answer that I could think of. I glanced at my phone, I knew that even if I changed my mind, it was too late, and there was the fear that all of this will never go away.

I was in a daze, being emotionally exhausted, that I began to feel as if I was floating in the ocean and my body began to feel numbed to the sensation. I’m finally able to escape from the darkness that I’ve been living in; finally able to breathe freely; finally being able to escape in silence away from everyone. Honestly, I haven’t felt so content in such a long time that it was welcoming and I only wanted to sleep.

I can finally close my eyes and everything will go away...