Chapter 21

He must have hung up because he didn’t say another word and I slowly put my phone down trying to breathe so that I could calm myself before he arrives. Why is this so hard? It feels like I’m sinking deep down into the ocean, dark and vast, that as I continue to go lower the harder it was to go up. I didn’t want to reach that bottom and feel like I’m suffocating. I don't know what will be waiting for me there. I began to count hoping that it’ll help me stop imagining it.

One, two, three, four, five… fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

“Michael, please, look at me.”

I can slowly hear Elliot’s voice as he’s sitting beside me and for a second I wondered how long he was there calling my name. He was grabbing my shoulders and before I knew it I turned quickly to wrap my arms around him burying my face against his chest just wanting his comfort. Once again I began to weep, no more it's more like bawling, as I felt lost for a second of who I am and feeling like I’ve lost control of my emotions. Well, I had already lost a bit of myself after I said those words in the car and maybe this was just the emotion that I had buried deep inside me that I never let out. Why did I even say those things? They were all true, but I never planned to say them to anyone or tell them about my thoughts that I’ve been fighting with every day.

“Shh,” Elliot whispered as he pats my back. “Come on, let’s get in the car.”

It took me a second to find the strength to get up, he wrapped his arm around me, as he began to lead me to his car. I don’t know what was happening because my head felt heavy and I’ve cried so much that I didn’t even know how I could see where I’m walking. Elliot put the seatbelt on me after getting inside his car and he waited for a second to look me over before getting inside the car driving off towards my house. We got out of the car once we arrived then walked to the front door and he searched through my pockets to grab my keys.

“I’m sorry.” I began to say once we’re inside the house.

Maybe because I’m back in the comfort of my home that made me able to talk, but my emotions began to build up again like I was trying to catch my breath after running a marathon.

“For what?” He asked, making our way to my room.

“Of what I said. What I felt and all that was going on in my head. I was still trying to get over what happened with my dad and trying to not think about my past. I spent all day trying to forget what happened; that room, the talk with my dad, and the panic attacks. I was so frustrated with myself and I told myself that I was fine because you were there to help me and it went fine, but in the end it was all just full of shit.” I said, raising my hands running them threw my hair just wanting to pull it and Elliot reached out to put my hands down as if he knew what I was thinking. “The things you two said… Maybe I meant to try to do something. When I jumped in the pool for a second it felt so nice when I was down there… It felt so nice that I just wanted to stay and I didn’t even think anything wrong about it. And when I went running into traffic it was just an accident. I didn’t mean anything by it I swear.”

“Michael, wait just a minute. You're breathing too fast and you need to slow down.” He tells me as he stands in front of me so I can look at him and make sure that I focus on him. “Everything you said to Luis on the phone, I heard it.”

“No, you weren’t supposed to hear that because it’s just these thoughts that are just running in my head and I couldn’t stop saying all that. I can’t stop with these thoughts and it’s suffocating me, but I shouldn’t have said anything.” I tell him as I try to free my hands from his hold, but he only reaches out to wrap his arms around me trying to pull me close to him, but I couldn’t help moving my arms to get out of his hold. “Why can’t anyone get it? My depression just doesn’t go away even when you try and even then it’s better off showing everyone that you’re fine. It's tiring having to do that, but it's the only way.”

“Michael, please. Just look at me.” Elliot said as he couldn’t hold me and watched as I stepped away from him.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly fighting against him and now that he’s here I wasn't too sure if this was just my emotion escaping or the peak of it all just wanting to explode. I went over to my dresser starting to shove everything off the top, tossing my things that are in my reach, and I felt like I was just recreating my action from my past, but this time Elliot was here. This time Elliot was there reaching out to grab me, to pull my hand away from doing any more damage, and continues to try to hold me in his arms. Someone was here simply begging me to stop. I fell to the ground, curling up against him, and he held me while grabbing my arms to stop me hoping that I’ll calm down.

“I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore or why I always make things a mess or what I should be doing,” I said between tears and I hesitated for a second as I glanced over at the dresser.

“He didn’t mean to say those words to give you such an affect,” He said, but I shook my head at him.

“When Luis said that I could be suicidal, I thought that he was wrong and I wouldn’t do anything like I always said, but what if I had and I just never realized what I was doing. In the pool, I stayed down in the water because I said I liked how it felt, but what I felt was me being relaxed staying under and for a second I just wanted to sleep which I could have drowned.” I told him. “And now I also realized that about two months ago, I grabbed a few pills from my mom’s restroom without her knowing, but I didn’t grab them to do something and I haven’t touched them since… Why did I do that?”

“Where is it now?” He asks me, confused.

I pointed to the dresser before looking at him. “I was never going to do anything. I swear. Please, don’t think that I was. I forgot that they were even there.” I said, feeling a little panic that he might think I was going to take them. “I was going to throw it out but I forgot about it and I just left them there. You can take them.”

“We can… We can talk about that later okay?” Elliot replied back as he turned to me.

“I didn’t want to say anything because I was also afraid of what my mom would think of me and feel like I failed her. It was already hard with everything that happened… I felt that if more was going on I’ll have a hard time sleeping and I can use it.” I said as I tried to explain. “But at the same time, I was scared that if I took them and went to sleep that I wouldn’t wake up. How can I take them to help me and also be afraid of it?”

“No, it should never be like that. If it were too much for you, I would have helped you find someone more professional to help and you shouldn’t have to be afraid of handling these emotions on your own.” He tells me as he moves so that he can face me. “If you need help now then I’ll go with you if you want me to. We can do it tomorrow. Whenever you're ready.”

“I know I said I was ready yesterday. I want to be and I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking, but after I woke up this morning I wondered if it was a mistake on telling you about it and that made me ashamed that I had to hide more of myself when I didn’t have to. I said I couldn’t control my emotions and after telling all that to Luis I realized that maybe I was more lost than I thought.” I told him as I tried to look back at him, but I turned away wiping my cheek as I was still crying. “You also scared me for a second last night... I got confused thinking that you were going to hurt me and I froze.”

Elliot looked at me confused, “When?”

“In the living room. When you were running your fingers through my hair and when I felt them on my neck I got scared because I thought you were going to hurt.” I said, raising a hand to brush over the collar of my neck and I took a deep breath as I imagined the suffocating feeling. “I didn’t want to be scared of you because it was just my mind tricking me. Why can’t these thoughts just go away and stop making me believe that I’ll never get better? I hate that every touch I feel on my body makes me recall all the painful memories of what I had to go through.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’ll ever go away that easily. Your pain can ease, but not your memory.” Elliot said as he reached for my hand and pulled me close, cuddling me. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can always tell me if I do something that scares you or if I accidentally do something that you didn’t like.”

“I’m so messed up,” I said.

“You are not messed up. This is like when you had that panic attack at school, remember? You're just overwhelmed with everything that’s been going on and your mind hasn’t been given a chance to breathe. All these feelings, yes, they are fogging up with your memory but that doesn’t mean that you're always going to be suffocating.” He said.

I nod my head as I take a deep breath feeling my chest tight. “Yeah…” I mumbled.

“Do you want to count to help calm you?” He asked me.

I nod my head as I was too busy trying to calm my breathing to talk.

“Want me to count?” He asks again.

I raised a hand to rub my forehead already having a headache and I nodded.

“Alright. If you don't want to say it with me, then you can count on your head if that makes it easier for you.” He said, he began to count and I tried to count with him as he called out the numbers slowly.

I don’t know how long we sat there in the middle of my room as he held on to me and I tried to let my body relax while I counted with him. Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three... I was finally able to breathe calmly after some time, but I was still trembling and my chest hurts a little from all the emotional adrenaline that my body went through. I slowly moved to place my head on his shoulder and I just felt so drowned that I didn’t have enough energy to stand if I wanted to.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I don’t know what got over me. It’s like I blanked out and my mind just reacted to everything that we talked about,” I said quietly as I could feel a tear run down my cheek and I raised my hand to brush it off. “I don’t want to die. I never did to begin with, but I gave up on myself and I didn't care about what happened to me. I just know that now I don’t want to give up but I can’t help it when these thoughts come where I wonder if I’m still better off dead. That I’m still a burden like I feel right now and that I have no future because I was never meant to have one. I just get so mad at myself thinking this and I’m always so close to believing them.”

“Michael, I’m going to tell you something and you listen to me... You are human. You are young and alive. You are scared and afraid. You are still pure and innocent to this world.” Elliot said he moved so he could cup his hands on my face so I can look at him. “You are the person that I care about. It’s okay that you have these thoughts because you are so strong to say that you don’t want to die. That makes you a better person than anyone else in the world who doesn't know how that feels.”

I looked at him beginning to shred new tears as I’m hearing his words.

“It’ll be okay. Whatever that happens in the future, I’ll be there with you. Whatever you're afraid of, I’ll be by your side.” He continues and I can see that he’s starting to cry as well.

I shook my head, “What if I’m like this again or worse? What if I get tired of everything? You wouldn’t want to be with me when I’m like that…” I said, already finding an excuse from his words.

Elliot gave me a small smile and shook his head, “Then you just tell me. I’ll be there like I am now. Just tell me. Just, please, say when you're scared or lost or feeling low and I’ll be there beside you.”

I took a breath and I shook my head again. “Please don’t say that to me.” I plead. “Please, don’t. You're only saying all that to make me better and I don’t want to think that you meant it.”

“I do. I really do,” he said as he lends his head against mine and sighs softly. “Believe in me.”

I’m now more lost than I was before. “It shouldn’t be like this,” I mumbled. “I don’t know what I’m going to do or what will happen.”

“What you do is call me or your mom, your dad. I’m sure you can call Luis or Caesar and they’ll help you. We will all help you.” He said, pushing my hair back away from my face and brushed my cheeks with his thumb. “There are people here that you can go to now. We’ll answer your call.”

I pondered on his words and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything for a while until I took a deep breath, “I need my mom. I have to tell her what happened.”

Elliot looked at me and nodded, “Okay.” He said looking around for his phone.

I closed my eyes as I rested my head back on his shoulder again and he moved slightly as he grabbed his phone to make the phone call. “Hello… yeah, he’s fine now. He says that he needs you… Okay.” Elliot pauses for a second and talks to me now. “She wants to know if you want to go to the hospital?”

I can feel my fingers slowly grab his shirt as if desperately making sure that I’m not being pulled away and I shake my head. “I’m not going to do anything, I promise. I don’t want to go so they can force me to stay by myself.”

“He says no… I-I know..” He says as he goes back to talking to my mom. “I’m not sure. Okay, I will.”

I can feel Elliot lowering his arm as he hangs up and I open my eyes to look at him. “What did she say?”

“She’s coming in… Actually, I had already called her when I made my way to the park and she’s been outside for a while now.” Elliot tells me and we both turned hearing the front door opened then my mom peeked inside my room.

“Honey…”

I turned away feeling embarrassed before turning to her, “I’m sorry mom.”

She entered the room brushing my hair as she kneels beside me. “Do you need me to do something? Make a phone call?” She asked, softly.

I shook my head, hiding my face onto Elliot's shoulder, “Tomorrow. I just want to make sure that you're here.”

I can feel her kissing the top of my head. “I am here. Whatever that was going on, it’s going to be fine.” She tells me.

It grew quiet in the room after my mom said those words and we were all sitting in silence that I closed my eyes again. I can hear the beating of Elliot's heart, the soft breathing of my mom sitting beside us, and somehow while I was listening to these sounds I fell asleep. I think now that I’ve calmed down, I felt both emotionally and physically exhausted that my body must have shut down and sleeping was the only reaction that I had left. I wasn’t even sure what time it was when everything ended or why I woke up I was laying down on my mom’s bed. I laid there for a second, a little confused as I looked at my surroundings before noticing my mom was sleeping beside me.

I slowly sat up seeing Elliot asleep on the floor on the air mattress that he usually uses when he spends the night and the door is opened with the hallway lights still on. Quietly, I reached for my mom’s phone to check the time and as quietly as I could get out of the bed making my way to the bathroom. After using it, I looked at myself in the mirror seeing my eyes slightly swollen red from all the crying and I looked like a complete mess. I leaned against the counter taking a shallow breath when I heard a knock and I glanced over at the door before opening it. Elliot stood there looking down on me and I can see the concerned look on his face that made me wonder if he thought I was going to harm myself.

“Are you okay?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I’m done here. Did you need to use it?”

“No… What do you want to do once your mom wakes up?”

“Um, I think I should go see a doctor. I need to get checked by a doctor first before seeing a therapist… I’m also going to ask if I can go back on my medication to help with my depression.” I tell him. “I didn’t want to go to the hospital because they’ll have me in observation for two days and I didn’t want to go through that process again. I wasn't going to harm myself.”

“What if you had wanted to? You were so upset that I was worried that you would have done something to yourself.” He said, looking at me with a hurtful expression. “You do remember how you were behaving, right?”

“I remember… I promise that I was never going to hurt myself.” I repeated as I looked at him. “I was upset but I didn't want to harm myself knowing it’ll also hurt mom and you. I know that my actions or the words I said shows differently, but I promise I wasn’t going to hurt myself.”

“Alright… do you want me to come back later on in the evening?” He asked.

“No. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see you or I might stay home from school again… I’m not sure what will happen.” I told him and I paused for a second remembering why this all started. “Can you tell Luis that it’s okay…”

“He shouldn't have said anything to begin with, knowing that you were still sensitive. The way he said all that-”

“Elliot, let’s not talk about that,” I said, cutting him off and sighed. “It's going to be seven in half an hour… You should go so you have time to get ready for school. I’ll call you later on tonight and if I don’t it could be because I fell asleep. Okay?”

“Okay.” He said.

We began to quietly make our way to the front door and I was about to reach for his hand but I didn’t. “Maybe I should have done this since the beginning after the pier when we ran into Chris. I was just avoiding everything.”

Elliot looked at me, “Maybe, but don't be putting all this blame on yourself and don’t let your thoughts wander too far that you become indecisive of yourself. Oh, wait, before I go let’s get those pills out of your room.”

“I can do that,” I said, embarrassed that I told him about it.

“I know, but I think maybe it’ll be better to just get rid of it now even if you weren’t planning to use it,” he said as he started making his way to my room and when he opened the door I noticed that my room has been cleaned up.

“You didn’t have to fix everything,” I said turning to him.

“I didn’t. Your mom did the cleaning while I stayed with you in her room.” He said as he opened the dresser and looked around until he found them. “I offered to help, but it seemed like she wanted to be alone, or maybe so you won’t be alone if you woke up.”

I sighed as I leaned against the door frame, “Yeah.”

Elliot glanced over at me and reached out to put his hands on my shoulder. “Remember how you said that you can forgive your mom for not being involved when you were young?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Tell her, thank you when she wakes up. Tell her how you’ve been feeling, and tell her about everything that happened.” He said. “I can tell you haven’t told her about what’s been going on. If you want to get help, open up to your mom more. She’s here for you now so remember that.”

“I know…” I said looking down at the ground.

“Michael.”

I turned back to him, “Yeah?”

“It’s okay. All of this,” he tells me. “You said a long time ago that you needed to see a therapist. I don’t know if you believed that you didn’t have to do that right away or you believed that you were okay without the help for a while, but don’t be afraid when you finally go. If you need a break from our relationship, that’s okay. If you need to focus on school, that’s okay as well. You have to focus on yourself.”

I looked away after listening to him and I nod, “Thank you… I’ll go and let you know what happened afterward.”

“You don’t have to tell me right away what you do. I’ll come by when you're ready and you feel better after you have some time for yourself.”

I slowly reached out to grab his hand, “I don’t want the things I said to put pressure on you and to worry you.” I said. “All those things might feel heavy because I said how I felt, between us, and how it feels like it will only last for a while, but I don’t want that. I want us to continue to be together afterward and I want you there with me when I graduate next year as well.”

Elliot gave me a small smile and leaned over to kiss my cheek. “So, you hope for a future together?”

I tried not to blush as I hit him lightly on the arm, “I’m trying to be serious.”

“So am I.”

I took a deep breath, “If you still have feelings for me then yes. And I’m not just being with you because you always help me during my bad days; you make those bad days better.” I tell him as I press my lips together as I’m trying to be serious with what I'm saying. “I’m glad that I called Luis at that time…”

He nodded, “I’m proud that you called him as well.”

We stayed together for a couple more minutes longer until Elliot was ready to go home and I watched as he went to his car. I didn’t go back inside until I heard his car turned on and I made my way back to my mom’s room laying down beside her pulling the covers over myself. I decided that I wanted to sleep a bit more since it was still early and I believed I slept for another two or three hours when I woke up again and my mom was still laying beside me as she was on her phone.

“Mom,” I called her.

She put her phone down, “You're finally awake.”

“Yeah, about what happened…”

“No, there’s no need to tell me. Elliot was able to explain everything that happened and I think I understand what was going on,” she said as she moved to sit up. “You should have told me. When you saw Chris, the panic attacks, or how you were feeling about school or college.”

I shook my head, “I’m sorry. I was going to tell you, but I never found a good time or it felt like maybe you wouldn't want to know and for a while I felt like maybe they weren’t important enough to tell you.”

“They are always important to me… And what about your dad? You asked to stay another night, but you didn’t say that you were having an argument with him and that you were still uncomfortable sleeping there.” she asked as she shook her head. “Maybe your dad should just come over here for a while and I can be there supervising during his visit.”

“No, Mom.”

“I think it's only fair for now and we are going to discuss this later on,” she said and reached out for her phone again. “So, who would you rather me call? An available psychiatrist, the clinic, or do you want to go to the hospital?”

I thought about this before turning to her. “Maybe the clinic today and see the psychiatrist tomorrow?” I asked her. I could only take on so many things at once right now.

“Okay,” she answered as she looked away from her phone and reached out to brush curls in my hair. “You look like a mess…”

“I feel like it too,” I replied back and closed my eyes. “Mom, what’s going to happen to me later on… I always worry that I might not get better and now I don’t know how I can deal with myself.”

“Is that what you’ve been worried about?” she asked, softly.

I nod, “I didn’t see a future for myself before, and now that I’m thinking about graduation for next year than college…”

“You still have another year to be a kid, Michael. You can always worry about it as the time comes and you just enjoy what you have now,” she tells me. “You go have fun with your friends, keep staying out until I’ll get mad, go have fun with your boyfriend.”

I slowly sat up and looked over at her, “I want to do that. I wish I could be able to do all that, but I don’t at the same time. I don’t want to ruin everything and I feel like I already am. I can’t be their friends."

“And why not?”

“Mom-”

“No, I’m being serious. Why not? It seems like you made great friends with Elliot and you said there were friends you wanted to hang out with outside of school.” She said as she looked at me. “It's okay if the friends you have now don't work out in the future because that is normal. If they stick with you after graduation then it’s worth having their friendship after everything that you are going through now.”

I didn’t say anything, pondering on her words, and recall everyone being excited to hang out this weekend. I leaned over to hug her as I tried to take a deep breath still trying to calm myself and I know she's right. I should be believing these things, but it's always so hard to believe them when I never wanted any of this before. I still have so much to learn about friendship and growth.

“Let’s get ready so we can start heading out.” She said as she pats my back.

“Okay,” I said.