Chapter 17

I leaned against the door, running my hands over my face, and I tried to take another deep breath to compose myself before I went in the shower. It felt like I took my time showering and when I stepped out I saw the guest door closed so I went to my room. I stood by the door before quietly closing it behind me and moved to sit down on the bed running my fingers over the covers before moving to lay down staring up at the ceiling. I tried to suppress everything that happened in this room, but all I can remember was how I felt during my last night alone in this room and how my mind overcame me as I laid here in my bed taking pills to sleep. Jolting up, I took a deep breath as I couldn’t breath and tried not to feel the panic feeling creeping in me when I thought about it and stepped out of my room just wanting to step away from being inside there.

I was gasping as I leaned against my door and I felt my hands trembling deciding to quietly open the guest room door across the hall then made my way to the bed. The lights were off as Elliot was quietly snoring so I cried to crawl under the covers and leaned my head against Elliots back still trying to calm myself. I couldn’t help grabbing the middle of his shirt; it felt like I’m a little kid trying to hide behind Elliot after having a terrifying nightmare and it felt like I did. I could hear his soft breathing as he slept and it was calming to hear, but I still felt the lump on my throat that felt like I had something stuck in there and I closed my eyes trying to do that breathing exercise that Elliot showed me.

“Michael? What’s wrong?” Elliot called as I let go of his shirt moving to face me.

“I can’t sleep in my room. I can’t breathe when I’m in there because I’m just remembering what I did and it just terrifies me. I don’t want to be alone right now.” I told him as I closed my eyes.

“Your dad won’t get mad if he finds you sleeping here?” he asked as I can feel his fingers brushing on the side of my cheeks.

“I don’t care… I don’t want to be alone, please,” I said as I moved closer to lean my head against his chest. “I’ll sleep better here.”

I can hear Elliot sigh softly as he wrapped his arms around me. “Alright. You can sleep here so it’s okay.”

Being able to be held like this was such a comfortable feeling, but that anxiety feeling wasn’t going away just yet and I still try to control my breathing. Elliot must have noticed my discomfort as he started rubbing my back trying to help ease me and whispers telling me to breathe, but I couldn’t calm my nerves. I tried hard to not have an episode because that’s what it is now that my emotions are built up and I understand why this panic feeling won’t go away. I couldn’t help as I let out a gasp feeling like my throat closing and Elliot noticed that I wasn’t able to handle my panic attack.

“Let’s sit up,” he said looking at me as if he was observing my breathing.

I sat up feeling my chest tight while my breath came out short while my heart was pounding against my chest as if I’ve run a marathon and I think I’m hyperventilating. I’ve never had it so bad as this that counting couldn’t calm me down and while I was distracted Elliot moved so that I was having my back leaning on his chest. He continued to rub my back trying to help soothe me, but I was beginning to panic more because I’ve never dealt with an episode as strong as this before and I clutched my shirt feeling overwhelmed.

“Cup your mouth and take deep breaths,” he instructed, watching over my shoulders as he continued to rub my back. “Don’t be scared of it, okay? It’ll be over soon and you’ll feel much better.”

I raised my hand to put over my mouth, feeling my hands trembling, and tried to fight off my tears. “I… I never… I never had it this bad before,” I tried to say.

“Do you want me to call your dad?” He asked, noticing my worry.

“No… I just want it to end,” I said as I closed my eyes feeling lightheaded now and shook my head.

“Alright. You’re doing just fine and let your body try to relax.” He said he wrapped his arms around my shoulder and I leaned back against him. “Breath slowly with me, okay?”

It was quiet between us as we waited until my breathing slowed down and I didn’t lower my hands once I calmed down. Elliot continued whispering to me saying that how I was doing well and it felt like hearing his words of encouragement was keeping me at ease. He held me for a while until my episode was over, but he watched me cautiously in case I had another panic attack because I was silently crying and I moved myself to lay down hoping that would help me. Elliot laid down beside me, keeping me in his arms, when we heard the door open and I turned away so that I couldn't be seen. Dad or Lily have never seen me like this before and tonight wasn’t that night for them to see it.

“Is everything okay?” I hear Lily’s voice.

“Um, yeah,” Elliot answered awkwardly, moving slightly so he could look at her. “Michael isn’t feeling well so he’s going to sleep here. I hope that is okay.”

“It’s fine, but how is Michael doing? Is it severe that he needs to go to the hospital?” she asked, I could hear the concern in her tone.

I clutched my shirt as I listened and whispered, “No hospital.”

“No, he’ll be fine.” Elliot answered. “He’s going to sleep right now.”

“Alright. Wake us up if he gets worse,” she said and I heard the door close.

“Michael…” Elliot said, turning to look at me.

“I’m fine,” I said as Elliot reached his hand out to brush over my forehead.

“Well, if you feel sick, tell me so we can take you to the hospital. You’ve never dealt with a panic attack as strong as this before and I hope it doesn't put stress on your body,” he said with a serious expression.

"No, I'm fine. Just tired now." I tell him.

I turned away feeling exhausted that I wasn’t sure how to feel now that I have more control of myself and I laid there, staring off, as I tried to clear my mind. I couldn’t tell if I was still upset at how I felt, scared of how I reacted, or just wishing I couldn’t feel like this anymore. Elliot wasn’t saying anything as he stared at me when I noticed that he took my hand but I didn’t pull it away knowing he’s trying to comfort me and it felt so warm feeling his hands in mine that I slowly closed my eyes after some time. Everything that Elliot has studied on psychology seemed to have helped me in this situation and I honestly wouldn’t know what to do without his help.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Elliot asked in a quiet tone.

I know he might have an idea about my anxiety attack, but he wanted me to say it out loud. “I was in my room and the only things I was thinking about was when I tried to kill myself… Chris came when I was alone and we had an argument until he left, but I was scared of him coming back after everything that happened,” I began to tell him. “This city and this house never felt safe for me and there were times that I thought hiding away in my room would help me but, it only made my depression worse. I was already having panic attacks before I entered high school where I didn’t know how to control them and the fear kept creeping up on me that I got worse. While I was in my room remembering everything that happened to me and all that emotion I went through my head. I couldn’t handle it which was why I came over here.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You could have told me that you can’t sleep there because of that,” he said as he reached out to pull the covers over me again trying to make me comfortable. “I would have let you switch rooms or we could have slept in the living room instead of letting yourself feel this way.”

“I felt like I had to sleep there to get over that feeling, but I can’t. It only makes me remember and I was starting to panic because I remembered how alone I felt at the time,” I said and Elliot started to rub my back trying to calm me down.

“But that doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to deal with that emotion when you're not ready to, Michael. You said that you sleep better here, but I’m sure that’s because you have no traumatic history in this room and it’s your only comfort zone in this house now that you’ve come back to it.” Elliot tells me. “I’m not going to take that away from you just because I’m spending the night.”

I didn’t say anything as I turned my face away, not able to look at him. “I’m sorry…” I mumbled.

“Michael,” Elliot whispered as he reached out to cup my face to have me look at him. “Don’t apologize. This wasn’t something that you need to apologize for.”

I tried to not let my emotions get to me because I wanted to take in his comforting words while not dealing with these emotions that had worn me out and played with my thoughts.

Elliot kept holding my face and leaned his forehead against mine, “Hey, breathe slowly. Do you want to go outside?” he asks me.

“No,” I answered, taking deep breaths again. “I feel tired to move right now and I don’t think I have the strength to walk right now.”

Elliot leaned over to kiss me softly on my cheek, “This is just stress that you’ve let build up this whole week, Michael. You were already worried about sleeping in your old room the first time you slept over, but you also had a bad panic attack when you saw Chris and your fear increased from there.” he continues to tell me. “You were scared that he would show up today, but he didn’t and I doubt he would even bother to try.”

“He didn’t come today, but what if he comes another day? Or tomorrow? What if he finds out where I live with my mom?” I asked him.

“Then he’ll have to deal with me or you can always call the police on him, but he’s not going to do anything to you. I’m not going to let that happen and neither will your mom.” He tells me, softly. “This stress and worries is something that you need to learn to control. It’s good that you came over here because your panic attack would have been worse if you were alone in your room and we wouldn’t have noticed it if you couldn’t have it under control.”

I didn’t say anything as I nod knowing that he was right and I thought about everything that we talked about. I wanted to forget everything that has been going on recently and hope that I never leave this room knowing more could happen once I do, but I shouldn’t let this fear get to me. That was what Elliot was telling me and I should have told him how I felt when he asked, but I also thought my story from earlier was enough to share and this was another humiliating moment to add in.

“Michael,” he calls me.

I looked up as he leaned over to kiss me.

“Let’s try and sleep again,” he said.

I lean my head against his shoulders as I tried to count for a while to help distract myself hoping that would get me to fall asleep, but I’m sure that Elliot isn’t going to sleep right away after all that happened. How was it that we were able to have a great day and enjoy our swim then to have it end like this? I’ve already ruined so many things between us that I can list them all at this moment if I had to, but I shouldn’t have these thoughts continue to put me down.

“Don’t you get tired of me?” I asked him in a quiet voice.

“Never,” he whispers as he rested his head against mine.

“Even after what just happened?” I asked.

Elliot raised his hand as he started running his fingers over the top of my head, I can feel them brushing over my messy bed hair, like if he was playing with it. “Haven’t you already asked me this before?”

I closed my eyes as the motion of his hands were soothing to me. “I’m always worried that you’ll give up on me someday,” I mumbled. “That one day I’ll be like this and you’ll rather turn around so live happily so you won’t have to deal with me.”

“Never.” He answered quietly before looking over at me and leaned in to kiss me. “Now go to sleep.”

I didn’t say anymore focusing on his hands continuously brushing my hair and it didn’t take me long to fall asleep feeling more at peace. I was able to get through the rest of the night, aside a few restless moments, but it wasn't enough to wake me up and by morning I woke up in Elliot’s arms. He was still asleep so I laid there beside him trying to not wake him up as I ran my fingers over his arms, brushing them over his skin, and I was a little lost in my mind thinking back to last night. It honestly scared me of having a severe panic attack that I almost lost a sense of myself, but it was comforting having Elliot by my side and how he helped me was one way I couldn’t have done alone.

“That tickles.”

I stopped, looking up at him. “Sorry,”

Elliot pulled me in closer to him, hugging me, and yawned. “What time is it?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered as I hugged him back.

He yawned again, “Alright.”

“You should sleep more if you're still tired,” I said.

“No, it’s fine.”

“You should sleep. After I fell asleep, how long were you up?” I asked him.

He didn’t answer me as he kept his arms around me and closed his eyes again.

“Elliot?” I said, raising my head at him.

“Not that long.” He finally answered before opening his eyes to look back at me. “I wanted to make sure that you were sleeping well.”

“You didn’t have to…” I frowned.

Elliot sighed as he ran his fingers over my hair pushing down a bit of bed hair that curled up. “I wanted to stay up so don’t be upset, okay?”

I moved to sit up and nod, “Okay. And how am I going to explain to Lily and my dad about last night? They’ve never seen me have my episodes or when I have my panic attacks; they weren’t around often to see my behavior after I moved to life with my mom.” I began to say and I paused trying to figure out what I would say. “Mom thought it was best to take a break from living with my dad after being released from the hospital so she has more experience on seeing my disorder.”

“We’ll tell them together so when you don’t know how to explain it then I can help by giving them more details.” He tells me as he sits up. “It’s not something you should be ashamed of, Michael. You have a mental illness and it’s okay to say that you have health problems. You’ve been doing a great job trying to get through with it on your own.”

I looked down as I listened to him and it gave me such a relief feeling hearing him say that he would help me. I tried to respond back through my tears as I felt emotionally sensitive from my panic attack last night and to hear his words of encouragement. He began to apologize for making me cry, even though he didn’t have to, and I said this to him so I calmed down enough so we could get ready for the day. I nervously entered my bedroom grabbing clothes then went to the restroom to be able to change and Elliot waited for me to make our way downstairs ready to have breakfast.

“Oh, Michael, how are you feeling?” Lily asked once she saw us.

“Um, I’m much better now,” I answered, taking a seat beside her and my dad was across from Elliot.

“I made pancakes. You boys want any or I can make something else?” She asks.

“Pancakes sound good,” Elliot answered. “And if it is possible I can have a cup of coffee?”

“Alright,” she said as she started to serve us.

“So, you felt sick last night? Was it from swimming at night?” My dad asked.

I shook my head, looking down at my plate, as I felt nervous explaining to him.“No, It's just that… Um, I couldn’t sleep.”

“I’m sure with Michael’s history that you know that he has some health complications,” Elliot said, cutting in after seeing my hesitation.

“Well, briefly after discussing with his mother and she’s told me a few events that have happened. Is there more that I’m not aware of?” My dad asked, glancing over at me.

“I get panic attacks when I'm stressed and get anxious that I have a hard time breathing.” I tried to explain fringing with my hands trying to calm myself.

“Should we send you to see a doctor? Is it that serious?” Lily asked.

“It’s actually a bit common to develop these traits after such a traumatic past. There’s moments when a body builds up with anxiety or panic that it creates episodes.” Elliot continues to explain for me. "Michael deals a bit of it occasionally so last night was a bit more serious than usual, but it wasn’t enough for serious medical attention."

“You seemed well informed about this,” Lily commented.

“I’ve been self-studying. I want to major in psychology when I go to college and learn to be a psychiatrist so I can help other people like Michael and it’s just convenient that I can be there for him.” Elliot straightened himself as he informed them.

“Well, it seems like you’ve decided on a great career path if you already acknowledge yourself in this health profession and I didn’t know about these conditions that you have been dealing with. I wish your mother could have kept me informed.” My dad replied.

“It’s not like she didn’t want to tell you because I never had it as bad until recently.” I told him as I noticed Elliot began to eat and I poked at my plate. “It’s actually embarrassing to talk about it because I don’t like to bring it up for mom either and I don’t want people to worry about me.”

“Well, then, hopefully, you can always come to us if things ever get worse and we can work something out with your mother if it ever gets too much for you there,” he says as he reaches for his cup and takes a sip. “I don’t understand it all too much, but we can always work something out if you want us to.”

I began to eat one of the pancakes that Lily served me. “Okay.”

Elliot glanced over at me and we both continued to eat while Lily started cleaning around us and I don’t know why, but I found it hard to talk about it with my dad uncertain if he actually did understand the situation. I took my time eating because I wasn’t so hungry and Elliot made sure I ate at least half of the second pancake on my plate before we moved to sit outside where we were yesterday. Dad joined us for a while until he received a phone call and had to step back inside, leaving us alone.

“Let’s stay one more night,” Elliot said, breaking the silence.

I turn to him, “We have school tomorrow.”

“We can make it in time if we leave a bit early,” he answered.

“Why?”

“Come on, we can’t just leave after what happened last night. Let’s give it one more night and I promise that it’ll be fine.” Elliot said as he reached out to hold my hand.

I glanced at him feeling his warm hands, “I don’t want to.”

“Please? I’m so tired from being up late that I don’t think I can drive,” he said, giving me a wide-mouth yawn.

I smiled, “Oh, please, am I supposed to believe that?”

“Michael, please? I would have you drive, but you don’t know how to and we’re not going to risk it as your first driving test,” he said as he gave me a pout. “If you’re worried about being late then I promise we can make it to school an hour early.”

“We are not going an hour early. That’s just crazy.” I said, shaking my head.

“So, you agree?”

I sighed as I looked at the pool before turning back to him, “If my parents are fine with it and you also need to let yours know then fine. I’ll spend one more night here.”

“I’ll tell them right now,” he said as he pulled out his phone and began calling his parents.

I shook my head as I stood up and walked inside to see my dad, “Is it fine if we stay for the night?” I asked him. “I think we’re both still exhausted that we thought it’ll be best to stay instead of driving out tonight.”

My dad was sitting at the dining table, “That’s fine. I don’t mind it.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said about stepping back outside when he reached out to grab my arm.

“But I’m just curious about what you said earlier… Did it have anything to do with me? Are you uncomfortable because I wasn’t always around when you were young? I know we had some difficult times, but I wouldn’t think being in this house would cause you such problems.” he asked me as he let go of my arm to stand up.

“No...” I said as I looked down debating how to answer him. “It wasn’t about you that caused my panic attack.”

“Then what was it?” he asked.

“Dad…” I mumbled as I tried to ignore these emotions I’m suddenly feeling; like the slight pressure on my chest and the thought that he’s demanding a direct response. “It’s just other things that happened that caused me to remember and it just overwhelmed me.”

“Like what?” he asks again.

Taking a small breath, I didn’t know how to explain to him because I don’t even know how much dad knows about my relationship with Chris and I wasn’t even ready to share it with him. I still get terrified to express to him because I can’t predict his response like I could with Mom and I don’t want to hear what he would say about it. I don’t want him to brush it off like he did when I was in middle school.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I answered.

“Well, something happened inside my home, Michael. I tried to wait for you to say something to explain why you tried to commit suicide, but you left to your mothers and all I have left is remembering you half-dead on your bed,” he tells me, his voice slightly rising. “You never said anything while you were living here and when we got you to the hospital I found out that you were also harming yourself. On top of that, you were in a relationship with someone who was abusing you because they said there was bruising on your body and I didn’t know where that could have come from. Was it that boy that you were always around with?”

I listened to him in silence, feeling my hand cover my wrist, and I felt my chest tighten again as I couldn’t think of a response. There wasn't anything for me to deny, but I wasn’t thinking that he would say those words and I couldn’t look at him knowing how guilty I felt by events.

“How the hell did all that happen while I was around? No, how did you even let that happen to yourself?” he continued after noticing my non-responsive reaction. “You could have talked to me about it or you could have just opened your mouth-”

“I think that’s enough.”

I can hear Elliot coming in from behind me and I noticed Lily was standing by the hallway looking over at us curiously.

“He’s still recovering from last night and asking him all this will only cause him to have another episode. Besides, talking to him like that won’t give you the answers you want.” Elliot said as he walked over to me.

My dad took a deep breath and looked between us, “I’m sorry, but I just want to know what was going on in this house or what was wrong with him to just do that. He says that he's hurting from what happened here in this house, but he won't even tell me what happened and I feel like I'm in the dark.”

“That doesn’t mean that you can force him to say it. Michael was dealing with so many difficulties at a young age and having him to speak up about it when he’s not comfortable is not the answer. Don’t you understand that you might have scarred him when he came out to you as gay?” Elliot retorts.

“Me? He was getting bullied. I only said what I said to toughen him up.” He retorts.

“He was still a kid. You're not supposed to tell him to deal with his problems when he doesn’t know how.” Elliot said and I can hear the anger in his tone.

“Is that what you told him?” My dad asked me as he turned to face me.

I felt everyone staring at me as I couldn’t handle how the conversation led to and I just decided to leave without responding back as I felt my legs move while I opened the front door and was practically running not bothering to look back. Taking deep breaths trying to calm myself, I was uncertain if I was upset, angry or overwhelmed, but I couldn’t take it anymore in that house. I knew my dad didn’t change much, but he didn’t have to talk that way if he wanted to discuss my past and be patient with me if he gave me the time I could have told him. Yet the more I was listening the more it felt like he just wanted clarity that he wasn’t at fault.