Chapter 16

I was sitting by the pool, soaking wet, when Elliot put the towel over me and I didn’t know what to do as everyone believed that I was drowning. I only remember jumping in the pool and I felt like I was floating in when suddenly Elliot pulled me out of the water. I suddenly felt a little embarrassed for causing a scare and I wasn’t too sure what to say or do as I wiped my face dry. I glanced over at everyone who returned to the table then moved to be near Elliot as I found the words to say.

“Elliot…” I whispered.

He turned to me and sighed heavily, “It's fine.” he mumbled.

Elliot turned away to walk over to Luis, who was gathering our things, informing him that we’re leaving and then began to head out once I was able to put my shoes on. Jennifer gave me a hug while I said good-bye to everyone else and they waved as they stayed behind at the long table. I followed Elliot and Luis feeling like I had to look down away from them as if ashamed that I scared them after jumping into the pool. Elliot and I got into the car with our clothes completely drenched, but he didn’t seem to care as he started the car after Luis got in the car.

“I’m going to take you first Luis,” Elliot said.

“That’s fine,” he answered as he was looking out the window after putting on the seat belt.

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything during the drive feeling as if I would say something wrong or it would cause an argument that I was afraid we would have and it was giving me this panic feeling. I couldn’t read Elliot’s expression since he was focused on the drive and I kept quiet until we arrived at Luis’s house and he got off thanking Elliot for the ride then the car started moving heading to the direction of my home. As we got closer to my house the more I couldn’t stand the silence and I played with the rubber band on my wrist; which feels like I haven’t done this in a while.

“I didn’t mean to scare everyone,” I said, quietly.

“I told you you didn’t have to jump for them.” He said as he pulled up to my house now.

“I didn’t jump for them… I wanted to jump for myself. I guess I didn’t know I stayed down there for so long and I know that I’ve been upset, but I am not to the point that I wanted to drown.” I tell him, finally facing him. “I wasn’t thinking of that. I haven’t once thought about that since we started dating.”

Elliot looked back at me as he sighed heavily, “Okay…”

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I hope you can believe,” I said wanting to hug him until I realized that I’m still soaking wet. “Are you going to be spending the night?”

He shook his head, “No… I’ll be back in the morning. So, go home, shower and I’ll see you in the morning. Also, I do believe you so I’m sorry too for jumping to conclusions.”

I nod, “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I stepped out of the car and carefully made my way inside, sighed after locking the door behind me, and went to my room grabbing clothes to change into after I shower. I laid in bed and wondered how much damage I created with the rest of the group and hopefully they’ll forget about what happened by Monday, but maybe I can make up for it if it still makes things unsettling. I laid down on my bed after the shower, realizing that I still need more time to learn to socialize with other people and possibly should reach out to Luis first before anyone else.

I pulled the covers over myself as I felt cold and closed my eyes feeling tired enough to fall asleep. By morning, I woke up just on time to get ready and waited for Elliot to come by to pick me up as I was in my room making sure that I finished packing my bag. I played with the rubber band on my wrist as I sat down on my bed and just recalled everything that happened last night; hoping that I wouldn’t mess up again the rest of my weekend.

“You have everything? Extra clothes? Toothbrush?” my mom asked me when I finally stepped out of my room.

“I have it all,” I said, with a small sigh. “Hey mom, how do you fix things when you know you made a mistake?”

“Why? You did something wrong?” she asked.

“No, but I might have,” I answered as I moved to sit on the couch. “I just don’t know how to be a good friend… Like, what am I supposed to do if I mess up and it might upset my friends? Or say the wrong thing that they might not like?”

My mom moved to sit beside me, sighed softly, as she wrapped her arms around me. “I don’t think there’s a real answer to that, honestly. You just have to be comfortable with your friends to admit your mistake and confront them about it, be yourself because if it’s not an honest apology then they won’t be able to trust your true honesty when you need them, and if they can’t forgive you after all that then those aren’t true friends,” she tells me. “You should always cherish your friends and they do the same for you.”

I thought about this before turning to her. “Can I go out again next week? I know I’ve already gone out with Elliot many times the past few weeks, but I have something that I want to do.” I ask her.

She smiled as she shook her head, “If I didn’t like you being outside, going out with your friends, then I would have said no a long time ago. But as long as you're being safe then alright... You can go out and hang out with your friends. I’m actually happy that you’re giving yourself a chance to go out because you never did with the other kids last year.”

I stayed sitting beside her, “That’s because they never bothered to hang out with me and it wasn’t like they were trying to be friends with me. I like the ones I met so I want to be able to join in like all the other kids.”

She sighed as she pulled me in a hug, “You already are like the other kids, honey. If you want to hang out with them and worry if you make a mistake to apologize then you either forgive you or you aren’t your real friends.”

I received a text from Elliot and slowly stood up. “Alright. I’ll think about all that… Thank you, Mom.”

“Well, tell your dad I said hello and make sure you text me when you get there.” She said getting up following me outside. “Let me see Elliot too before you go.”

“Mom, you don’t have to,” I said, wondering if Elliot is still upset about last night.

“Just for a second,” she waved to him as he got off the car to open the trunk of his car.

“Hi, good morning,” he said to my mom when she walked over to him.

“Morning. How are you doing, Elliot?” she asked him as she gave him a hug.

“I’m okay. Just been studying and playing volleyball.” He tells her as he smiled kindly.

“You didn’t have a match yesterday?” She asked.

“No, it was canceled because the other school’s gym needed to be repaired so we had to reschedule for another day,” he explained then turned to me. “Is that everything?”

I nod, “Yes.”

“Well, I’ll have to see your game someday when I have a chance,” she said before going over to hug me. “Be safe.”

“I’ll let you know when we get there. Bye, mom.” I said as Elliot and I got inside the car.

Elliot turned on the car as he started driving. “Have you eaten?” he asked.

“Yeah, a bit, but I’m not hungry.” I told him, shrugging my shoulders before glancing over at him. “Are you still upset?”

He shook his head, “No, not really. I mean, it was dumb of you to jump when you don’t know how to swim and forget that you need to breathe…” he said, glancing over at me at a red light and sighed lightly. “But you didn’t mean for it to happen that way, right?”

I nod, “Yeah, I didn’t mean to make it look as crazy as it went. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize anymore. Just don’t do that again,” he said as he pulls out his phone and hands it to me. “Can you put your dad’s address so I can make sure I’m going the right way?”

I took his phone opening the map to type in the address then put the GPS on the speaker. “So, I was thinking that maybe we should go to the beach with everyone next week…” I said handing his phone back. “Just to hang out… I want to make up for what happened.”

Elliot thought about this and took a glance over at me, “You don’t have to do that. There is nothing for you to do to show them. It was bad, but you don’t have to make a plan to make up for it.”

“But I feel like I have to… What if they don’t want me around after that?” I ask him.

“So? I always say it doesn’t matter what they think.” He tells me.

I thought about this before I turned to him, “I know… I know and I understand what you mean, but I actually like them so to me it does matter what they think of me. They aren’t the type of people I would hang out with before, but they let me be with them and invited me over to their home.” I explained. “Maybe I won’t see them after high school is over, but if they want me in their group for the time being and let me continue to be their friend then I’m okay with that. I just feel like I have a chance to have friends and I shouldn’t just let them go by my mistake or because I can’t handle certain situations.”

Elliot didn’t say anything for a minute, but he sighed softly. “Well, alright if that’s how you feel. I won’t say anymore of it if you don’t want me to. If this is important to you then I’ll help you.”

I looked away for a second, “Thank you… And it’s not like I’m just settling for them if that’s what you think. I’m trying to learn how to be a friend and reminding myself that I have people to call as friends which I haven’t had in a while. You were my friend first, so I hope that you can understand why I want to go through with fixing things” I said. “I’m just trying to learn how to connect with people like I was able to with you.”

Elliot kept on driving and he didn’t say anything again for a long second. “Well, for sure you have that connection with Luis because whenever you guys hang out he always acts like a big brother,” he said.

I nod as I look over at him. “Yeah, it actually feels like that. I like hanging out with him.”

It grew quiet in the car as I sat back in my seat while we listened to the music with the GSP in the background going off a few times to say the directions and I looked out the window. We finally got out of the freeway after the long hour of being on the road and I knew we were close to my dad’s house now; which reminds me of a different situation now. I completely forgot about being home where Chris could still be living in the area and I was worried that he would show up randomly at my house, but I doubt he would even keep tabs on me. I took a small breath and tried to not think about this now.

“Are you sure that you're not mad?” I asked him, again.

Elliot glanced over at me, “Yeah, why?”

I shrug my shoulders as I continue the conversation to help steer away my thoughts. “It just still feels like you are.” I mumbled.

Elliot came up to my dad’s house and found a place to park in the street. “Sorry. I guess I’m just a little nervous because I’m going to meet your dad and I was a little distracted after what happened last night. Also, I know you were worried about Chris.” He tells me as he turns off his car.

“Really? You’ve been worried about that the whole time?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I thought that was why you were drinking last night because you were scared of coming home to your dad’s,” he explained before getting out of the car to open the trunk.

I got out of the car to walk over to him, “Actually I wasn’t worried about coming until we were driving here. I was a bit distracted, too, with what I did last night and I was nervous yesterday because I didn’t know what to do or how to act with everyone.” I told him as I grabbed my bag and I stood there not wanting to go inside the house just yet. “Like I said, I forgot what it's like to have friends and I wanted to join in so I did by drinking with them. That’s what I learned when I hung out with Chris’s friends.”

Elliot sighed as he wrapped his arm around me to pull me to a hug, “Well, then I guess we can try again when you ask them to hang out next time. I’ll be there with you, make sure you don’t get yourself wasted again and just take our time just being with them. Drinking isn’t the way to be with people because you lose the sense of yourself and you shouldn’t have to follow along to what they do knowing it’s not safe.” he said.

I looked down and nodded, “Yeah, I know… It took me a while to realize that and that’s how I know I messed up.”

Elliot wrapped his arms around my shoulder as we walked over to the house and just after the second knock the door opened then Lily was there smiling as she hugged me. I hugged her back then she shook hands with Elliot as they introduced each other while we walked inside, leaving our things by the door, and we went to the kitchen where my dad was sitting at the dining table. After the introduction, I pulled Elliot away to show him the guest room upstairs as we could leave our bags, I left my bag in my room, and Elliot walked behind me curiously looking around at my old room. I have more things in this room compared to my mom’s only because there are fewer things that grab my attention to put in my room and I should donate my things I have in this room since I don’t need them after I move to my mom.

“This is cool,” he said, seeing the lava lamp I have on the nightstand by my bed.

“I forgot I had that…” I said looking at it as I stayed by the doorway.

Elliot glanced over at me, “It’s fine for me to keep looking?”

“Yeah, it's fine,” I said, seeing that he might have noticed my discomfort. “I actually should throw some things out and put it to donation.”

Elliot looked at the posters on the wall and turned to me, “Are you sure?” he asked.

I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t care about these things.”

Elliot walked over to me after he was done looking, “Your dad and his girlfriend seem nice.”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked around my room before turning to him. “I just don’t know how he’ll be since he’s never been around any of my friends.”

“But he should be fine with it, right?” He asked.

“I believe so. There’s nothing for you to be worried about with him and he's different than how he was before.” I said as I stepped out of my room and Elliot closed the door. “He’s calmed down a lot more than how he was before.”

“Was it after your suicide or before it?” He asked as we started walking downstairs.

“After, but I think he kind of blamed himself for not knowing about what was going on and just reached out to my mom,” I said as I lowered my voice so they couldn’t hear from the kitchen. “It was a bit of a blur after I woke up in the hospital then I had to stay there for therapy and during that time my parents were working things out on my living situation which led to me staying with my mom.”

Elliot reached out to stop me before we went back to the kitchen. “So, they know that I’m your boyfriend right?” he asked. “They are fine with it?”

“Well, I haven’t talked about our relationship, but I hope they will be fine with it and I’m nervous as well to what they think,” I said then started tugging him towards the kitchen. “Come on, in the end we will see how they act after talking about it with them.”

Elliot followed me and saw Lily cooking in the kitchen. “Do you need any help?” He asked.

“No, it’s fine. I’m only just preparing a few things. Your dad wants to grill tonight so maybe he’ll need some help because I’ve never seen him lift a finger since I moved in.” she said, giggling.

“Really? I never saw him bother to grill before,” I turned, confused, as I walked outside to look for him. “Dad, since when do you grill?”

“Always. You're acting just like Lily. Just because you guys haven’t seen me cook in the kitchen doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to cook on the grill.” he said as he was turning on the grill and looked over at us. “It’s just simple burgers and hot dogs. Nothing to be worried about.”

“Well, if you ever need help, I usually help my step-dad cook whenever we have family dinner,” Elliot offered.

“Alright; that sounds good.” My dad said. “So, Elliot, I hope your parents don’t mind about spending the night.”

“No, they don’t. Since I’m graduating this year we’ve agreed on a few terms about me going out and how I spent my time.” Elliot answered as we grabbed chairs to sit down near my dad.

“Like what?” I asked; it was the first time hearing this.

“Well, since I’m on the volleyball team they said I have to be committed to it and not let it affect my grades while I also have to pass all the college entrance exams. With my car, as long as I don't get into trouble on the road I get to keep it then later pay for the insurance when I get a job after high school,” he explains. “I guess, overall, just don’t make any sort of mistakes.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said as I thought about this.

“I didn’t think it’s that big of a deal to bring up,” Elliot mumbled.

“It’s good that your parents are having you stepping up like that and taking on some responsibility at your age.” My dad said as he started cooking. “It’s nice to have a mind set like that to prepare yourself when you finish high school and not a lot of parent’s care about their child like that.”

“Thank you, sir, but it's honestly not a big deal. I’ve just been used to being independent for some time now and I know how to take responsibility for my own action.” Elliot said as Lily came over to leave us and hands us bottles of water.

“Thanks,” I said as I opened the bottle to take a sup and she grabbed a chair to sit with us.

“And how’s everything going for you, Michael?” Lily asked me. “Your mom told us how you couldn’t come over last time. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I said as I gave a shrug. “I had a bit of a cold and I just had a lot on my mind that I just couldn’t come over.”

I can see my dad looking over at me before letting out a sigh, “Well, if it’s nothing for us to be worried about then it’s fine and you're here now.” he said.

I ran my hands over my hair and took a deep breath. “Thanks, Dad,” I said.

It became quiet around us and Elliot gave me a small encouraging smile.

“How long have you two been together?” My dad asked as he closed the lid of the grill to let the food cook.

I looked away, a little shy now, and shrugged my shoulders, “A while now, two months. Three by the end of the month if I have to be exact.” I answered.

My dad nodded before turning to Elliot, “And have you told your parents? Do they know about your relationship?”

“Dad…” I said before Elliot reached a hand out to stop me.

“Well, I never thought much about my orientation until I met Michael,” he began to explain to them. “I guess it never occurred to me that I could be bisexual since I never had any interest towards someone of the same-sex. So, I have not come out to them and I’m still shy about telling it to people, but I’m working my way around it by telling my parents next weekend.”

My dad didn’t say anything as he returned to the grill then turned to him. “Well, the only advice I can say is that don’t take offense to what your parents say because they probably might not understand. I didn’t when Michael tried to tell me,” he said and my dad glanced over at me before turning back to Elliot. “Give it some time for them to adjust and talk to them slowly about it so they can get an understanding.”

I gave my dad a small smile after hearing such heart-warming words that in comparison were completely different from the words he said when I was young.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll remember that.” Elliot said.

“I think it’s about time we eat.” Lily said as she was preparing the table and started handing up plates as we got up to start serving ourselves.

I can tell that Elliot was more relaxed now after that conversation and Dad began to ask Elliot about volleyball to try to keep the conversation going. Of course, my dad was interesting because he has always been a sports fan and I’m sure that he just wanted to learn more about him. I added in about Elliot teaching me to play which also seemed to get his attention, but I wasn’t comfortable enough to tell him about my thought about playing in school and he didn’t ask more about it either way. After we were done eating, they left us alone while they started cleaning up making their way inside the house. Elliot, of course, helped out while I watched them quietly and I was a little deep in my thoughts until he came back.

“Tired?” Elliot asked as he sat back down.

“No, not really,” I answered as I turned to him. “I was just thinking about what my dad said.”

“Yeah, it was kind of him to say that, especially coming from a parent.” he said, moving his chair to face me. “What exactly did he tell you when you came out?”

“Yeah, it's nice that he can say that now and be able to say it to someone who might need to hear that.” I said glancing over at him before sighing heavily. “Um, it’s not a nice story.”

“I would still like to hear it.” he said as he reached out to hold my hand. “I mean, you told me about Chris and your suicide so is this worse then that?”

I looked down as I felt his hands before shrugging my shoulders, “No, but it can sound as bad if you think about it.” I answered and took a deep breath trying to collect my thoughts. “In middle school, I was about twelve when I was coming to terms about my orientation and was teased by a couple of kids that my dad was called by the principal. On the drive home, he told me that if I wanted to claim myself as gay that I have to deal with the kids who would bully me and that maybe I should consider seeing a girl first because I was too young that I could just be confused. I ended up crying because I was embarrassed, frustrated, and a bit ashamed about how it went down, but when my dad saw me he said that if I’m going to cry then I shouldn’t have said anything to begin with.”

Elliot didn’t say anything for a minute before looking at me, “That actually sounds harsh.”

I shrugged my shoulders before giving a small chuckle, “In a way, that was nothing compared to what the kids did afterwards, but I would remember his words and I felt like I couldn’t say anything to him afterwards.”

Elliot looked at me before leaning forward in his seat, “When you were dealing with Chris, were the things your dad said kept sticking to you? If he said that you shouldn’t have said anything about being gay, did you feel like you had to deal with the problems on your own while Chris was taking advantage of you?” he asked me.

I turned away and I shrugged my shoulders.

“Michael,” he said, wanting a word response.

I looked up at the sky as I tried to push down this tight feeling in my throat because I was getting emotional of the words I’m gonna say, “He told me at the age of twelve that I had to deal with it because I’m gay and I shouldn’t cry about it just because I don’t like it. How am I supposed to process that and not forget those words? So, yes, I felt like I had to keep it to myself.”

“You thought that whatever happened with Chris was something you had to deal with by yourself because you’re gay?” he asked, his voice sounding soft.

I had to pull my hand away as I sat back in my chair, “Yeah, I guess so. I felt like I had to deal with it because I wanted to be with him and I was ashamed to tell my dad about what was going on thinking I would going to hear those words again. I thought it was better for me to just deal with it on my own.”

“I’m sorry,” Elliot said as he looked at me.

“For what?”

“For all of that and that you had to believe in those words. You were a kid and still learning about yourself then having those words in your head… I’m sorry that you had to believe in them and I can understand why you wanted to separate yourself from him to live with your mom.” he tells me.

“It’s not like I’m pointing my fingers at him, but he just didn’t understand me and thought that I was too young to be announcing myself like that.” I said. “It is still my fault for going as far as I went with Chris and the things I decided on.”

Elliot shook his head, “No, don’t even point the finger at yourself either.”

“And I should just point it at Chris then?” I asked. “There is no point in pointing fingers because we all should put the blame on each other and point out what we all did wrong.”

Elliot didn’t say anything and it seemed like he couldn’t help himself to agree with my statement. We ended the conversation there, the sun was setting and the sky was growing dark that my dad came back to check on us. Elliot still didn’t say much as we talked before he left again and by this point I can see point out the Big Dipper in the sky. This helped lighten our mood as I found the North Star and helped Elliot see it from where he was sitting.

“I think you can see the stars clearer if we go hiking at the mountain.” he tells me as he puts his legs on top of my lap.

“You're going to dirty my pants,” I said, patting his legs off. “And that is your worst idea if you think we’re going there at night.”

“It’s fine and my shoes are clean,” he said as he kept them there.

I smiled, glancing over at him, “Oh please, these are the same shoes you wore when we went hiking.” I said.

“It’s because these are my favorite shoes.” He said as he put his foot down and moved his chair closer to me to reach for my hand again. “Jason got it for me.”

“Don’t be so sentimental and I’m sorry, but they are ugly.” I teased.

“Ouch, since when have you been a fashionista?” He said, giving me a fake hurtful expression.

“Since I started dating you,” I said, chuckling.

Elliot reached over as he let go of my hand and started tickling me, “You better start apologizing.”

I laughed as I tried to pull his hands off me, “No.”

He was able to find my ticklish spot as I was almost falling off my chair, “I won’t stop until you apologized.”

I was near-tears laughing now, “Alright. Fine. I’m sorry! I won’t make fun of your shoes.”

He smirked as he stopped sitting back in his chair again, “That’s right.” he proudly said.

I reached out hitting his arm, “That’s not fair.”

“What? Are you trying to start something again?” he asked, reaching out to grab my arm.

I smiled, “No.” I said as I tried to hold my laughter.

He pulled my arm so that I’m sitting on his lap and he wrapped his arms around me, having his hands on my sides making me laugh, “Don’t lie to me.”

I chuckled, “I’m not.”

“Really?” he asked as he tickled me.

I laughed as I tried to get out of his hold but he kept pulling me back, “I’m not lying.”

“Alright,” he said as he stopped and he hugged me as I stayed sitting on his lap.

I couldn’t help smiling as I expected him to tickle me again, but he looked at me reaching a hand up brushing his fingers across my cheeks and I tried to breathe calmly after laughing so much. We looked at each other as we became quiet, this moment felt like that time Elliot kissed me after waking up in the morning or when he kissed me at the waterfall, where he was so gentle with me and he tilted his head towards me pressing his lips against mine. He was about to pull away, but I raised my hand to cup them around his jaw leaning moreover towards him kissing him back and it just felt so good being able to hold him like this.

Whenever he kisses me like this, I always wish that my first kiss was from him and I wished for many things to be my first with him yet they always feel like they are. Because it's always more than I had ever felt before when he does it and he’s never forcing me into anything that I wasn’t comfortable with. I never knew that I can have a relationship like this and be able to feel so warm inside that it felt so like the more we’re together the more we might not let go.

“Michael, let’s stop,” Elliot whispered as he finally pulled away.

“Why?” I asked quietly as I opened my eyes to look at him.

I can see his face turning a little red, “Because your dad is inside and I feel like I can’t stop if we continued.” he tells me. “Also because…”

I saw him glancing down and it was now my turn to blush getting his hint. “Do you need me to get off of you?” I asked.

“No, just give me a second.” He said, his face still red and he was looking away now.

I tried not to smile as I distracted myself by looking at the sky, “My dad will most likely kick you out if he saw us do anything.”

“Yeah, and I don’t need that,” he said as he kept his arms around me so that I wouldn’t fall off from his lap.

“And then my mom will find out and you’ll be kicked out from our house too. You're never welcome again and you're only going to be allowed to see me outside the front door.” I continued trying to sound serious. “I probably won’t be allowed in your car again.”

Elliot smirked, shooking his head, “God, you're so dramatic today. How did I not notice that I’m dating someone so needy for attention and throwing themselves in pools.”

“I didn’t throw myself,” I retorted.

“Yes, you did.”

“I jumped in and it's completely different from being thrown in,” I corrected as I turned back to him.

“Then should I throw you in this pool?” he asked as he reached out to take out my phone from my pocket.

“No! It’s already getting late.” I told him as I tried to fight with him as he started taking off my shoes.

“It was almost midnight when you jumped yesterday.” He reminds me as he began to take off his own shoes and tried to stand while trying to still carry me.

“No, let go of me,” I tell him, laughing while I try to get out of his hold.

“Come on. Hold your breath.” He said as we came near the end of the pool.

“I don’t know how to swim,” I said as I held on to him.

“Then I’ll save you!” he yells as he jumps, carrying me with him.

I felt the cold water when I went under the water, I almost panicked as I moved my arm around until I reached the surface and gasped as I took a breath. I couldn’t believe that this was my second time going into the water in my day clothes and I tried to brush my wet hair back before looking around for Elliot until his head finally came up. I almost panicked as he swam over to me, reaching out, and made sure that I could float as he held onto me. I’m surprised that I was more worried about drowning at the moment compared to last night and I tried to stay calm as I hugged him. When we were comfortable enough I playfully splash water at him since his hands were busy keeping me afloat until we heard someone yelling at us trying to grab our attention.

“Boys, you're getting water everywhere,” Lily said as she stood by the sliding doors.

“Sorry, Lily,” I said, turning to see her.

“Sorry.” Elliot apologized as well and he realized the mess we made when we jumped in. “It was my fault.”

“I’ll bring some towels, but don’t spend so much time in the water. It’s already past ten so we’re going to bed soon.” she said as she fixed our chairs and went back inside.

I waited until she was gone to splash water at Elliot, “This is your fault.”

“You always mentioned that you wanted to swim here,” Elliot said as he slowly let go of me.

I kept holding onto his hand feeling nervous as I looked at him, “Don’t let go of me.”

“It’s okay. I’m not going to let you drown.” he said as he started pulling me with him while he swimmed. “Now kick your legs.”

I watched him as he moved, showing me how to swim as we went around in lapse while he tried to show off his skills. We played around for a while until Lily came back outside to leave the towel on the chair and after a while it was so quiet that we took that cue to get out of the pool. I handed Elliot the towel and we moved to sit on a chair while we waited to dry up before going inside. Elliot pulled off his shirt setting it aside and I glanced over at him feeling shy that I wasn’t comfortable to take off my own shirt.

I shivered starting to feel cold. “Let’s go inside. I’m freezing now…”

“Yeah,” Elliot said, getting up and we quietly made our way inside.

“Just be careful on the stairs,” I whispered as we made our way towards the stairs. “You shower first.”

“Are you sure? You said you’re cold.” Elliot asked.

“I can wait,” I answered as I opened the bathroom door to show him where it’s at and stepped aside. “I’ll go after you’re done.”

“Okay,” Elliot said as he went to the guest room to grab clothes then went into the restroom.

While Elliot was in the shower, I went to my room to grab the pajama clothes and looked around the room as I walked over to my bed. I sat down sighing heavily looking around recalling the past spent in this room and I can feel my chest tightening as I remembered my night before I tried to kill myself in this room. I stood up as I couldn’t stay here any longer and closing the door behind me stayed by the restroom door not wanting to be alone anymore.I leaned against the wall as I closed my eyes trying to take slow deep breaths and hope that it can help me relax while I tried to clear my mind.

“Michael.”

I looked up to see Elliot standing by the doorway of the restroom, “Sorry… I didn’t hear you come out.”

“Are you okay?” He asked as he stepped out of the restroom.

“Yeah,” I said as I reached for the door. “You can leave the wet clothes there in the sink and go to bed if you're tired. I’ll hand the wet clothes after I shower.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s getting late. Go to bed.” I nodded and closed the door behind me.

Flashback 4

“Oh, come on. Just go with me.”

“No, there is no point in me going. Besides, you know that I don’t like going to places like that.”

“I’m going to be there so why don’t you just come?” Caesar tells me as we're walking together to our last class of the day and at this point we were nearing the end of the school year; meaning we were close to ending for our freshman year.

“So? You're going to ignore me once we get there and so will Chris.” I tell him “Don’t you ever worry about him being on his own during these parties? I hear they act like it's a college party and go wild.” he asks.

“Yeah, I do worry about what he does or who he hangs out with, but what can I do about that? He always does what he wants to do and doesn’t give himself any limits.” I said as we entered the classing, but I stopped to turn to Caesar before we could sit down. “Besides I know he’s doing something that I don’t want to see. Chris always thinks he can do as he pleases so I think maybe he’s seeing other people when he goes.””

“Has he ever told you that?” he asked, looking like he's not surprised by this fact.

“No, but it’s obvious,” I answered.

Caesar gave a long sigh, “Look, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter what happens and it's just up to you in the end. Also, if you don’t like what he does then you have to tell him about it. I mean, it's been a long time since you guys have been together so he should consider that.”

I looked at him before shaking my head, “Like, he would answer me… Besides I would go with you, I honestly would, but I don’t want to be disappointed if I see him actually going something like I think he is and I don’t know what to think about it all.”

“Well, I’m going to a party this time so you won’t be alone and I heard you already went to one of these before; maybe a few.” He said as he started walking to his desk now.

I didn’t say anything as I looked down at the ground. “That doesn’t mean I have fun… And I stopped going to them for a while now. I didn’t like the last party I went to… Things got out of hands and I just went home afterwards.” I mumbled.

Caesar sighed, “Fine, then I won’t go then.”

“What?”

“Yeah, if you’re not going then I just won’t go,” he tells me.

“You don’t have to do that. If you want to go then go.” I said, and the bell rang.

“What for? You don’t want to go so I shouldn’t either.” he retorts.

I pressed my lips together as I debated with myself for a long minute then closed my eyes, “Fine… I’ll come with you.”

“Great! I’ll see you later on and just text me so we can meet.” He told me as class was about to start and we ended our conversation there.

Later on in the evening, Chris came by my house so we can walk together and he actually seemed like he was excited to be going out tonight. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we were walking; it felt like it’s been forever since he’s held me like this. After what happened between us at the last party, I tried to keep my distance from him, but he would always be showing up at my house or come to school with gifts and it was almost embarrassing because I wasn’t too sure how to feel about it. How was I supposed to feel when he comes by grabbing people’s attention while he pleads for forgiveness and I could only accept them to stop him; I wasn’t too sure if I was forgiving him or trying to stop him from exposing our relationship to the world.

After arriving at the house, Chris let go of me and immediately looked around for his friends while I followed right behind him as I reached for my phone to text Ceasar to let him know that I’m here. Once I looked away from my phone, Chris already had a beer in his hands and I tried not to sigh out loud as he walked over to me trying to hand me one. I always take the beer can when he does this, but he never watches to see if I drink it and when I have the chance I set it on the side as he goes to his friends. I waited until Caesar finally arrived almost half an hour later and I spent my time hiding away in the kitchen; the only time people come to the kitchen is for snacks and they leave right away without wanting to talk to people.

In the end, I started drinking a can of beer only because I was getting nervous standing around, waiting, and maybe I was beginning to feel anxious as I stood alone. I know I haven’t forgiven Chris for coming onto me that night, but I felt like a child who was so afraid to speak up about a situation that not many would understand and to say how wrong I felt afterwards once I let everything sink in. How uneasy my body reacts now when he hugs me or he grabs my hand, but I just have to remember that I had to keep it to myself and I shouldn’t act like a child if I had wanted this relationship.

I took a deep breath as I saw Caser walking over towards me and we hung around for a while as I finished my can then made our way outside trying to look for an area to sit when we found a crowd huddled as they were playing beer pong. I sat there watching while Caesar, who is always social, was able to join in with the people here and at some point Chris came over with his friends. He moved a chair to sit beside me and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, I glanced over at him, when his friends started handing us another round of drinks. Chris opened the can for me and I just looked down at it before seeing Chris drinking his.

“Don’t drink so much,” I tell him, quietly.

“It's just a few drinks. Don’t be thinking too much of it.” Chris retorted.

I didn’t respond back to that so I just sat there while his friends continued to play and Caesar was on the side with another group talking as they walked away from the game. I took a sip deciding that I’m just doing to keep to myself until I could finally go home then I noticed everyone started clearing the table changing their games to filling up shot glasses coming together as a group. I looked around curious at what new game they were about to play when I saw the box of playing cards and I reached out curiously to read the instruction. It seems like they go around as one person pulls a card to ask the drinker to answer a question within three seconds or they have to take a shot if they don’t answer right away.

I put the card down knowing that I would be terrible at this game and I might sit this out if they tried to pull me into this. They started playing the game and it was a bit of an entertaining watching laugh until they started pushing me to join. Chris didn’t say anything to discourage them like he usually does at school and I was beginning to feel the pressure so I took two turns and both times I took the shots because I didn’t answer within the three seconds. Chris reached out taking two of the shot glasses and one of the bottles closest to us as he placed them in front of me.

“Come on, take a shot with me. It seems like you can handle your liquor now,” he tells me as he filled one of the cups.

I shook my head, “I’m already starting to fill it. I’m not trying to go home drunk or my dad will have another fit.”

Chris looked at me as he raised the glasses cup and handed it to me, “So? It’s just a more shot. I’m not asking you to drink the whole bottle.”

I looked down at it before I sighed, giving in. “Okay.”

We both took the shot and I was a little disgusted at the taste when I saw him reaching for the bottle again filling up both glass.

“Another one?” I asked, disgusted with the taste in my mouth.

“Come on, you agreed to come hang out with us tonight and that meant you also agreed to have fun as well,” he said.

I can feel my cheeks growing warm from the alcohol as I looked at him, “I’m not going to stay here later… I’m going to leave with Caesar and I don’t care if you're going to stay or go home with us.” I told him before I took the shot.

He stared at me before he took his drink. “You’re going with that dickhead?” he asked, sounding a little annoyed.

“He’s just a friend and you know that. Is that all you're thinking about after what I said?” I retorted, surprised at his sudden annoyance.

“So you’re just gonna go home with any other guy now just because I’m enjoying myself and what else are you going to do when you go home? Shag it up with him too since you’ve already done it?” He said.

I sat there as I watched him grab the bottle again, stunned at the words he just said, then reached out trying to take the bottle out of his hands. “I’m just letting you know because you always like to stay until five in the morning and I can’t do that. I don’t know what gave you the conclusion that I want to sleep with someone after what you did to me.”

Chris pulled the bottle out of my hand and raised himself out of his chair. “Fine, then go home with him. I don’t fucking care if that’s what you want to do.” He said, then turned making his way inside the house.

I opened my mouth wanting to say something, but I sighed as I sat there instead and glanced around seeing a few people looking over at me. I wondered if anyone held our disebut before. I stayed where I was trying to ignore everyone while I waited until my emotions subsided and didn’t know what to do or if I should just leave. I didn't think he would be mad about me leaving without him and the words we exchanged actually hurt me that I felt suffocated as if I shouldn’t have said anything to begin with. I watched the game hoping that it would distract me as the alcohol was finally catching up to me and I was beginning to feel a bit dizzy and my stomach was starting to hurt.

It was already five minutes since Chris went inside and after some debate I decided to go look for him; also get me away from the guys trying to get me to drink with them. It was a bit crowded as I walked around feeling lost, feeling as if I’m tripping over my own foot, when I saw Chris’s friend by the restroom door so I walked over to him and they were laughing as they were pressing their ears against the door. I hesitated as I watched them before clearing my throat and they all turned to notice me.

“Have you seen Chris?” I asked.

“I think he’s a bit busy.”

“Doing what?” I asked before glancing at the door. “Is he throwing up?”

His friend smiled, “Something like that.”

“I thought you two has something, but it seems like Chris had other fish to catch.” Another person in the group said and they laughed.

I looked at him, clearly understanding his metaphor, before leaning my ear against the door and for a second I couldn’t hear anything that had them laughing, but then I heard the sound of heavy breathing and a girl calling out his name. I pulled myself away from the door knowing that Chris was inside there with someone and I took a step back before I made my way through the house until I was outside. I felt myself trying to breathe as it was suddenly coming out short and I just wanted to couldn’t be near anyone right now.

I clutched my shirt as I felt my heart pounding against my chest and I kept walking down the block or did I cross the street? I just knew I wanted to go and my feet were able to move for me, but I stopped for a second hearing my name being called. I closed my eyes as I kneeled down on the ground and I wanted to throw up; I’m uncertain if it’s the alcohol or my emotions giving my stomach a knotting feeling.

“Hey, what happened? I saw you ran off and called you since you crossed the street.” he said, breathless.

“I’m going home,” I tell him, standing up to continue walking, but he grabbed my arm to stop and I tried to pull away from his hold. “Let go of me.”

“Wait, what happened? You can’t just leave like that without saying anything,” he said as he moved in front of me blocking my path.

I felt so much anger as I stood there, “I told you that I didn’t want to come because I didn’t want to see something that I’ll regret and now I just want to go home. I’m leaving.”

“What? What are you talking about? What did you see?” he said.

“Don’t act stupid, Caser. What did I tell you about me coming tonight? I told you I didn’t want to come because he was doing things at these parties and guess what happened.” I said, trying to control myself from crying and I stared at him. “He was in the bathroom with someone. I can hear them and you said convince me to come. You just don’t understand how I’ve been feeling...”

Caesar stared at me before trying to take a deep breath as he understood the situation. “Did you actually see him with another person?” he asked.

“No, but I can hear them. They were in the bathroom having sex.” I tell him.

“But you didn’t see him right?” he repeated his question before running his hands through his hair to push it back. “You didn’t see if it was actually him in there and you’re trying to walk home drunk. You're drunk and you think you can just walk like this? I saw how much you had and I’m surprised that you can come up with this.” he tells me.

“Yes, I’m going home because I’m not going to put up with him and you can’t just talk to me like that thinking that I’m making it up.” I said about continuing walking when he grabbed my arm again.

“Don’t be stupid, Michael. It’s three in the morning. I can’t have you walking home drunk and alone and I’m not saying that you're making it up.” he said,glancing back at the house then turned to me. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you. If he’s having sex with another person then just dump him already. Like, you know how he can be and how he acts. So,why stay with him? Obviously this is stressing you out then it has to and that’s just so toxic at your age. ”

I didn’t know what to say before I wiped away the tears from my face and looked down at the ground trying to words. “Cause I don’t have anyone else.”

“But, he’s a dick and you know that too. How can you think that and be okay with it?”

“Because what else is there? He was all that I had when I transferred last year and he was the only one that wanted me around.” I shouted as I was crying again. “He says he loves me and I believed him. He tells me that I’m important to him and I believed it. And if he’s not around then I’m nothing.”

Caesar stared at me before taking a step away and I can hear him chuckle, “That’s a fucking joke, you know that? Love you? What does he even know what love is if he’s spending his time fucking other people while your just his lapdog. Are you even hearing yourself? Who puts these shit in your head and belittles you to think that you're unimportant without him.”

I couldn’t help staring at the ground as I listened and glutched the bottom end of my shirt.

He continued on when he noticed that I wasn’t going to respond back, “Michael, come on, do you think that’s love? Or has he already fucked with your head to make you believe from right to wrong? What kind of relationship are you having with him, huh?”

I didn’t answer him.

Caesar stared at me, waiting “Well? What do you have to say? You need to speak up and tell me what you believe if he’s saying these types of shit to you.”

I felt my mouth so dry as I tried to get the words out of my mouth. “He… He came… He came on to me.” I stuttered.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“At the last party that I went to with him… Last month, he was drunk or high or both and he came on to me when we were alone…” I said as I covered my face wanting to hide myself. “He apologized saying that he didn’t mean to hurt me and that we’ve been together for two years that we shouldn’t have been shy with each other to begin with. We’re already in high school, at this point, I know that I’m gay and having to do it with a guy proves it.”

“And you believed him? You believed his bullshit excuse?”

“He’s my boyfriend.”

“Who raped his own boyfriend?” he asks me. “And I know he hit you too. Don’t fucking lie about that because I saw those bruises when you tried to hide them and make excuses for.”

I didn’t say anything before I saw Chris walking over to us and I hesitated at the words I wanted to say now. “He didn’t do any of that. And honestly, I’m drunk and I don’t know what I’m saying… Let’s just forget about it.”

Caesar looked bewild at me before seeing Chris and he stepped around me to walk towards Chris. “You're going to stop right there and go back. We don’t need you here right now.”

“Excuse me?” he asked as he shoves Caesar's shoulder. “Don’t be talking to me like that.”

“I can if I want. Michael and I are leaving so go back to the party. He’s done.” He said as he walked away from Chris to grab my arm about to lead me down the block.

I thought Caesar was mad at me after our argument. I felt stunned that he tried to have Chris leave and I was about to turn away when Chris grabbed my arm trying to pull me back trying to pull me back to him.

“Ow,” I winced as he held my arm tightly.

“He’s leaving with me,” Chris said. “You don’t have a say in this.”

“Well, he wants to go home and I’m just making sure he makes it home safe so let go of him,” Caesar retorted as he tried to pull my other arm hoping that Chris would let go of me.

I looked between the two before I tried to pull away and took a step back. “I’m fine, Caesar.”

“No, you're not. Why are you going to him after what you just told me?” he tells me, full of anger.

“Because I don’t want there to be a fight,” I said, beginning to feel light-headed.

Caesar looked at me before turning to Chris, “If you’re going to make him stay then I’m staying then when he goes home I’ll be going with him and make sure that he actually goes home.” he tells him. “But at this moment he’s drunk and is safer going home right now.”

Chris laughed as he started walking back to the house, grabbing my arms as if pulling me along with him. “Get the fuck out of my face.”

I felt his grip tighten as I almost stumbled and I glanced back at Caesar who was trying to follow behind us. “Stop, you're holding my arm too tight,” I tell Chris.

“Just shut up,” he tells me, continuing to pull me along his quick pace and I felt my arm twist a little as I almost tripped over. “What the fuck were you telling him?”

“Nothing,” I said, feeling uncertain at how to answer him.

“Don’t be lying to me because you obviously don’t know how to keep your mouth shut.” he said as he pushed me against the wall.

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything when I heard footsteps behind us then before I knew it I was falling to the ground because Chris was still holding on to me when he fell beside me and Caesar was trying to jump on top of Chris. I was confused for a second to realize that Caesar was hitting Chris across the face then suddenly Chris started fighting back and I was beginning to panic as he was able to get Caesar off. I saw him swing his arm at Caesar then I could hear the sound of Chris’s fist contacting Caesar's face and I quickly got up to wrap my hands around his arm trying to cover his fist from continuing the blow at Caesar’s face.

“Stop!” I shouted. "Chris, please, stop it! That’s enough!"

Chris pulled his arms back elbowing me, hitting my face and I fell back covering my face as the impact gave me a bit of pain near my eye. I couldn’t see for a second before I turned to the two as I watched them scuffle until people from the party started making their way over to pull the two apart and everyone around were quietly watching. Caesar was bleeding from his nose while Chris was bruised around his face and I saw Chris yanked his arms out of the guy's hold after being pulled away from the fight. Caesar was glaring at Chris before turning to me as he wiped the blood off his nose and stood himself up trying to ignore everyone around us.

“Let’s go.” He tells me.

I looked at him before glancing at Chris, who was watching me as well, and I saw his expression so dark I felt so terrified that to move or say anything.

“Michael,” Caesar called me again.

I froze before shaking my head and I can hear my voice coming out low, breathless. “I can’t.” Caesar stared at me before he shook his head in disbelief. “Are you going to stay?”

I can see the blood across Caesar's jawline when Chris grabbed my arm pulling me back away and I couldn’t look back afraid to possibly see Caesar's disappointed expression. At this point, I’m wondering, will he ever let me go? Walking through the crowd, he led me into the restroom and I stumbled back as Chris pressed me against the door. I felt my hands trembling as I could see his knuckles red from the fight and that’s when I was afraid that he was going to do the same to me when he raised his hands.

“I’m sorry,” I said, breathless.

“What the fuck did you tell him?” He asked.

“Nothing,” I answered quickly. “I was just trying to go home. I wanted to leave.”

“Yeah and you think that was all that was going on? You said something, so what is it?” He said as he reached out to grip the collar of my shirt.

I hesitated as I turned my face away from looking at him, “I told him what we did… I was hearing because I-”

“And that it was my fault right?” he asked as he shoved me against the door and I reached up to grab his arm.

“It’s not like that. Beside it was your fault that had me wanting to leave and the drinking too.” I said as I tried to shove his hands off me.

“Don’t be putting your fingers on me for the shit that you wanted to do.” he told me.

I looked at him as I heard his words then I couldn’t help but raise my hand hitting him across his face which didn’t hurt as much as he did in return. My cheeks feel warm from where he struck me and I couldn’t help trying to try to hit him again before he grabbed my arm trying to shove me against the counter of the sink. He glared at me as we were quiet then reached a hand out grabbing my face forcefully having me look at him and I grab his wrist trying shake myself out of his hold.

“If you’re thinking of talking shit to people about our relationship then I suggest you shut your mouth. There’s nothing you can get out of by saying something anyway.” He said.

I didn’t know what to say as I looked at him feeling my face throbbing from where he hit me.

He waited a second before letting go of me. “You better fucking be here when I say we can leave.” He said and stepped outside of the restroom.

He didn’t bother to look at me as he stepped out of the restroom and once he closed behind him I felt myself gasped as if I was holding my breath. I was trying to progress with everything that happened and I cried throughout the time I was spent alone; feeling my chest heavy trying to breathe. I leaned against the counter trying to hold my balance as I felt my head throbbing taking a look at myself in the mirror. I saw the bruise under my eyes, the red marks on the side of my face, and I can still feel the burn feeling when he gripped his hands on my arm. I took a step back crutching down on the ground, not wanting to see myself in the mirror, to see what I’ve become.

I clutched my shirt feeling my breathing coming out heavy, making me dizzy, and I think it's a panic attack that I’m having. I gasped a few times as I didn’t know what to do and I just felt my stomach hurting that I just went to the toilet to throw up hoping that it’ll help me; or maybe I was throwing up the alcohol that was still in my system. I don't remember the time Chris came back for me, but he pulled me off the ground and we started making our way out of the house. I felt so sick walking beside him and I wanted to throw up again as if that would help make me better. I just held it in. I held it in as he had one arm on my shoulder, almost like he was making sure I wouldn't run away, and once at my house he had me look at him.

"Put something on your face before it gets worse." He tells me as he reaches out to brush his thumb over my cheek.

I wanted to turn away, but I didn't want to show him that I was scared. "Okay…" I mumbled.

"And you're done being friends with Caesar. Or anyone in general. It's better off that way. You don't need anyone." he tells me.

I looked at him as I couldn’t bring myself to respond, but I just nodded my head just wanting him to leave and I can be myself again. I can't breathe with him in front of me. I can feel the tight feeling in my breath as I’m trying to put up a face when he leans over to kiss my cheek then turns away finally leaves to go home. I went inside once he was gone and quickly made my way to the bathroom upstairs, locking the door behind me, and I kneeled down over the toilet as I finally threw up into it. I felt as if my throat was closing in on me as I’m trying to catch my breath, but my chest was feeling so tight that at this point it was just hurting with every breath I took.

I heard a knocking at the door that startled me, "Yes?" I said as I started splashing my face then reached for a towel.

"Are you alright?" My dad asked.

"Yeah, just a little sick," I said as I flushed the toilet and rinsed out my mouth after.

"Alright." He said and I can hear him walk away.

My dad didn't see me the rest of the day late at night when he saw my face and assumed that I had gotten myself in a fight so I wasn’t allowed out for a few weeks. He didn't ask how or why I had the bruises aside from his assumption, but I couldn't even bring myself to explain what happened if he did ask. I spent the weekend in my room feeling as if I was hiding myself away and I tried to call Caesar, but he wouldn’t answer my call and Chris only messaged me trying to apologize about his behavior. I wasn’t too sure how genuine he’s apologizing is and how much of it I can accept at this point. By Monday, I was walking to school when I saw Caesar reaching the front gate and I took a deep breath hoping that he would listen to my apology or hope that he wasn’t too angry as well.

“I’m sorry,” I said, walking over towards him.

“You didn’t even fucking defend me.” He said once he saw me.

“I was scared and I froze. What was I supposed to do?” I said and noticed that he was walking away so I followed.

“What you were supposed to do was follow me… You should have followed me and gone home,” he said as he suddenly stopped and I almost bumped into him.

“It's not that easy,” I mumbled.

“Yes, it is! I tried to help you and you fucking took his side after what he did to me. How can you be my friend after you let your boyfriend beat me up? Don’t you see what’s wrong here?” he tells me.

“It wasn’t like I let him hit you. It happened so fast and I tried to stop him, but when he’s mad it feels like there’s no stopping him.” I said, feeling my heart beating against my chest.

“But you didn’t take my side,” he tells me.

“You don’t know how he can be when he’s aggressive. I can’t just take your side like it’s so easy and walk away from him. You saw how he was and you end up getting hurt which was why I went with him in the end.” I retorted.

Caesar sighs heavily. “Fine, if you're so worried about his anger problems then I’m just going to tell someone… That's all you have to do and it'll be over. Tell them everything that you told me: that he's abusive, when you took advantage of you, and anything else that you can say. Just open your mouth, Michael.”

I shook my head as the thought about speaking was beginning to make me feel anxious, “No… Just drop it. We don’t have to say anything.”

“Just drop it?” He repeated, in disbelief.

“Please,” I begged him.

“No!” He shouted. “Look at yourself, Michael. You have a black eye and you can tell he also hit you before. You said he forced himself on you and you're telling me that you don't want to report it?” he said. “How about we tell your dad?”

I paused for a second of the thought of telling my dad then I shook my head, “No.” I answered.

“Then we can tell the teachers-”

“No, just stop. Just stop talking about it.” I said, cutting him off as I can feel the panic rising against my chest and it’s making it hard for me to breathe. “Why can’t you understand me? Don’t you think I get what’s going on here and be okay with it? By the end of the day, I’m the one who's more ashamed of what is happening compared to him and if my dad finds out then it’s my fault. No matter what I brought it to myself.”

Caesar stared at me, bewild. “Are you kidding me? Is that what you think?”

“I’m being serious,” I said, turning to him. “I don’t want to tell anyone. I can’t… I can’t do it.”

“That’s why I’ll go with you. This isn’t something to be ashamed of or, at this point, be shamed about speaking.” He said, reaching out to grab my arm and he started to pull me to the main building where the principal's office is at. “We’re going in, talk to the principal and you can tell him everything. Don’t leave anything out.”

The panic on my chest raised as I looked at the building then I stopped pulling my arm out of his hold. “I’m not gonna do that,” I said, sounding breathless. “I can’t.”

“Michael.”

“ Just stop! Forget about it and leave me alone.” I shouted as I turned away, making my way towards another building and I made sure that he wasn’t following behind me.

I barely heard Caesar calling my name before rushing to the nearest restroom and locked myself inside the stall leaning against the door after I locked it. I was hoping that there was no one else around as I covered my mouth trying to take deep breaths as I’m crying, but my breathing was short and my hands trembling as I realized that I might have walked away from the only person that I can trust. I don’t know what I’ve done, but I might have made the biggest mistake and now it’s starting to feel like I couldn’t take this anymore.