Chapter 18

“Michael.”

I glanced back and saw Elliot running to catch up to me after walking down the street.

“I’m not going back,” I said, continuing walking.

“Just wait,” he said as he reached for my hand to stop me. “Hold on.”

I pulled my hand away and tried taking a breath to control my anger. “Like, what the fuck was that? Why did he have to say it like he wanted to make sure it wasn’t his fault? Why does everyone keep blaming me?”

Elliot tried to reach out again but I just stepped away trying to continue walking. “He didn’t mean it like that. I know it wasn’t right for him to say it the way he did, but he didn’t mean to offend you,” he said. "And he wasn't trying to blame you."

“He did. Did you not hear him? If he wasn’t talking like that to me then I probably could have tried to explain it to him, but I can’t.” I said as I was about to step off the sidewalk when Elliot grabbed my arm pulling me back.

“Michael, cars are passing,” He said, grabbing my wrist to stop me from walking. “Just stop and breath. I know you're mad, but you're going to get hurt if you're not watching where you're going.”

“Just leave me alone. “ I said, still pulled my hand away.

“Come on, we both know that I can’t just leave you alone like this,” Elliot said as he started following me as I tried to walk away. “Where are you even going?”

“Just anywhere. It doesn’t matter. The longer I stayed in that house, the more it felt suffocating” I said.

“Michael,” Elliot said as he walked behind me. “Let’s stop.”

I paused turning to him, “You know what’s more frustrating to hear? He asked why I let it happen? I hate hearing that. I’ve told myself that all the time and there’s nothing that I can say back to that. I was eleven, Elliot, and kids were bullying me that I couldn’t handle it but I kept it to myself because he told me to suck it up.” I exclaimed as I tried not to yell at him but it was so hard to control my anger right now.

Elliot was about to reach out to me but stopped takinging a deep breath. “I know… I know,” he said.

“They threw milk at me, painted my face to call me a girl, and I had to deal with it.” I tell him, near tears. “What is so wrong in being gay that they had to hurt me?”

We looked at each other for a long second before turning away continuing walking while he followed right behind me and I didn’t feel like talking anymore. I can hear my phone ringing in my pocket but I didn’t bother answering it knowing it’s my dad trying to reach me and we walked for about five minutes until we came to a small park; I led him to a picnic table to sit at. I lay my head down on my arm as I leaned over the table and I tried to calm myself again. Elliot hasn’t said anything and it seemed like he was just waiting for me to collect myself so that we can go back, but I still wasn’t ready to face my dad just yet.

“Michael…” Elliot said, trying to break the silence.

“I’m fine.” I said, raising my head to rub my tears and sighed heavily. “Just let me calm down.”

I sat there trying to relax as I stared up at the sky while Elliot watched me and I’m sure he lost in his thought like I am. I’m not reconsidering the idea of spending the night and just going home right now. There was no point in staying and being under the same roof as my dad after that discussion. I would hate it if he wanted to continue it after returning back to the house and I don’t think my words will come out nicely if I did speak up.

“Michael? Is that you?”

I turned to see a person walking over to us and it took me a while to recognize his face until he stood right in front of me. “Caesar?”

“I knew it was you.” He said smiling.

“I thought you moved away?”

“I did. I’m just in town to visit my grandma,” he said as he instantly reached out to hug me. “I’m so glad I ran into you. I’ve been so worried.”

I was still surprised but I hugged him back. “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me anymore? ”

“I wasn’t anything like that and I know I was mad, but after hearing what happened I tried to see you and they said that you weren’t allowed visitors,” he said then glanced over at Elliot as if he just noticed him. “I hope I’m not disturbing.”

I took a deep breath and shook my head, “No… Elliot, this is Ceasar. Caesar, this is my boyfriend, Elliot.” I introduced them as I offered him to sit down beside me.

I can see the surprise look on Caesar’s face and reached out a hand to Elliot, “Nice to meet you.” He said.

“Same. Michael has mentioned you before.” Elliot said as he shook his hand. “We were planning to try and find you one of these days.”

“Really? Because of all that happened?” He asked, turning to me and crossed his arms. “ I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I did that to you and I was angry when I should have been more helpful then not long after I heard you were in the hospital. I tried calling you, but it wouldn’t go through.”

I looked away, taking a deep breath. “They restricted visitors while they had me there for treatments and doing therapy for three months then I moved to live with my mom after I was released,” I explained. “My phone was broken so instead of fixing it I got a new phone.”

Caesar was quiet for a second before turning to me, “I should have been there. It’s my fault for not helping out and trying to do something besides getting mad at you or the whole situation. You probably wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t push you that day.”

“You can’t blame yourself,” Elliot cut in as he shook his head. “You both are pointing fingers at each other and it’s not all your fault. You guys didn’t know what to do about it all and it just escalated. You decided to walk away from the situation to find out that it got worse and that only made you feel guilty.”

We fell silent knowing that he was right and Caesar sighed heavily, “You should have seen how he was… Chris thought he could get away with anything just because his parents don’t care about him and he tried to push everything to the limit without caring about the people around him. It pissed me off because no one was stopping him and he was getting away with it all.”

I couldn’t say anything as I listened to him and I thought about the frustration that I was going through both now and remembering about the past.

“I told him to talk with the principal-” Caesar said, but Elliot raised his hand to cut him off.

“Let’s not bring that up right now.” he cuts in knowing that I’m still sensitive to the discussion and the one I just had with my dad. “Are you two still interested in being friends again?”

“I do.” Caesar answered, turning to me again . “I’m glad that you’re here and I hope that we can try being friends again. I wanted to tell you for a long time that I hope you can forgive me for being harsh and not realize that you were having a more difficult time than I thought you could handle on your own. Also, that I tried to force you to speak up when you weren’t ready and let my anger on you for it.”

I played with my hands as I listened and glanced over at him, “I was hoping we could be friends again as well. I was scared that you wouldn’t want to talk with me again and to hear you say all that forgives it all. It does and Elliot is right, you shouldn’t blame yourself.”

Caesar gave me a small smile then looked over at us both, “I actually should be going. I was only supposed to go to the store to get some things for my grandma, but let’s talk again.” he said as he pulled out his phone to hand it to me. “Give me your new number and we can keep in touch. I think we still have more to talk about and catch up on.”

I looked down at his phone before putting in my number. “Alright. Hopefully, we can try and find a day to meet up again.” I said as I handed him back his phone.

“Awesome,” he said as he looked at his phone before turning to me, reaching out to hug me. “I’ll see you again Michael.”

“Bye, Caesar,” I said as I hugged him back and watched as he walked away.

I was quiet until he was gone from my view and I’m just processing our conversation wondering if that means everything is okay between us now. I was a little distracted thinking about what Caesar said and I began to ponder a few things in my mind that I never thought about. Like, what would have happened if I reached out to him again and if our friendship would have been repaired? What has helped me and changed who I am today? No, maybe it wouldn’t, but it would have been nice if we fixed our friendship sooner.

Elliot reached out for my hand and I turned to him. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“That was just… I didn’t think I was going to see him again.” I said then I slowly stood up.

“You want to leave already?” He asked.

I pulled his hand so he could follow me, “Yeah… Seeing Caesar like that made me realize a few things.” I said as we both started walking.

“And what’s that?” He asked, curiously.

“Forgiveness,” I answered, squeezed his hand lightly for encouragement as we started making our way back to the house.

“Can I ask for more details?” Elliot asked.

I took a deep breath as I tried to figure out how to explain it. “I’m still mad about my dad for not understanding my situation, but that doesn’t mean I can be mad at him when I might never explain to him about what happened to me or learn more about my health. Also, if Caesar can apologize then that means people can change as well.”

Elliot came to a stop almost pulling me back to face him, “Does this mean that you can forgive yourself as well?” He asked with a serious expression.

I stood there before leaning over to him letting go of his hand to wrap them around his waist as I hugged him. “Not right now… I’m trying to, but I think I will always hate myself somewhere deep inside and it won’t ever go away. I also know that I can’t forgive Chris as well because I think he will never ask for an apology like Caesar just did.”

“Would you even ask Chris for forgiveness after all that he’s done?” he asked me.

“No,” I answered. “He probably doesn’t understand what he did wrong and will never think he did anything wrong; knowing his personality. When I would go to his house in middle school, the first thing I noticed was that it was empty like my own home, but he would always say that his parents wouldn’t care if he was out late or had people over and that's what made us different.”

“What do you mean?”

“That Chris was more neglected by his parents compared to my own and might have never corrected him when he was wrong which led him to believe that he can do as he pleases.” I answered as I sighed heavily leaning my head against him. “That’s why I’m not expecting an apology because he just doesn't know how far he’s persona can harm someone.”

Elliot wrapped his arms around me, hugging me back. “I’m proud of you for thinking this way. I’m glad to hear that you don’t just put blame on yourself and can have a view that can give you an understanding of another person's situation. Did seeing your best friend give you this new boost of confidence?”

I smiled, “Are you going to be jealous?”

“No,” he answered as we continued on walking and he kept his arm around me.

“Are you just happy that you ran into your best friend?”

I smiled, “Are you going to be jealous that I’ll have a new friend to hang out with?”

“No.,” he said, then pulled me along to continue walking as he kept an arm around me.

“Can I ever make you jealous?” I asked.

Elliot chuckled, “No.”

I smiled for a second not believing him but then again it seems below of Elliot to come off as a jealous person.

After a while, I slowly came to a stop once we reached my house and I looked up at the building. “Do we still have to stay tonight? Let’s just go home.”

“You can’t just run away from this,” he answered. “You need to talk to your dad.”

“If I try to talk to him and it doesn’t go well again then we’re leaving,” I said turning to him. “I’m not going to listen to your fake excuse that you're tired. I’ll call my mom if you won’t come with me.”

Elliot looked at me before sighing, “Okay.”

We made our way inside and when I opened the door my dad was standing in the kitchen, the same place he was when I left him.

My dad sighed as he put his phone down when he saw me, “Your back. I’ve been calling you.”

“I wanted to get some air,” I answered as I walked over to sit down.

Lily came downstairs giving me a hug, “I was worried.” she said and I noticed she glanced over at my dad.

Dad exhaled as he pulled up a chair to sit across from me and it was quiet for a second before looking back at me. “Can we talk about this again?”

“What do you want to talk about?” I said as I tried to not look at him.

“Just tell me what you had wanted to say,” he answered as Lily now moved to sit beside him.

I looked out the screen door that leads to the backyard as I tried to decide what to say. “I don’t think I have anything to say because everytime I say something to you it always feels like you don’t take it seriously and I embarrass you.” I began to say then paused for a second to look at him. “You didn’t want to listen when I told you I’m gay and you were never around so I was never confident enough to go to you.”

My dad didn’t say anything for a minute as he had this blank expression before sitting back in his chair. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t understand when you came out to me because I was confused about how I didn’t notice and you were also being bullied so I didn’t know how to help you handle it besides transferring schools.”

“You never asked me about it. I probably would have felt more comfortable talking to you about it instead of disappearing to your work.” I said as I tried to not get angry again after I’ve calmed down. “I wanted to go to you when everything started, but every time I come home you're not here and when I wake up you have already left for work. I forgave mom for not being there, but how can I forgive you when you didn't want to listen?”

“So you just want me to say sorry for being a bad parent?” he asked.

I saw Elliot about to open his mouth but I raised my hand to stop him. “I’m not trying to put the blame on you. I’m just telling you that I wish you were around more so I could have had someone to talk to.” I told him as I tried to control my emotions.

“Is that why you moved with your mother?” He asks me.

I took a breath through my nose and shrugged my shoulders. “Yes, I mean, it was because I wanted to get away from what was going on here, but slowly I was able to trust Mom to tell her almost everything that had happened.” I tried to explain. “Would you have listened and helped whenever I had these episodes or panic attacks or when I got pulled out of school because I freaked out over someone grabbing my arm or bumped my shoulders?”

“You don’t seem to have that many problems with it now.” He commented.

“That’s now, dad. What about when I was released from the hospital?” I asked him. “Did you know I spent five months hiding inside the house afterwards? It took a lot of convincing for me to go to school again. I almost had to repeat a year.”

He was quiet for a second. “I didn’t know…”

It grew quiet between us that he wasn’t looking at me so I took that as him ending the conversation and I stayed there for a while until the silence began to unsettle me. I stood up walking to the kitchen counter then turned to him unsure if I wanted to continue the conversation, but I just let it end there. Elliot stayed where he stood by the hallway and he looked over at me as if waiting for me, but I shook my head walking back over to the table to face my dad again. I opened my mouth for a second before taking a breath as I just wanted to make sure that we each said everything or ending it now before it could get out of hand again.

“Is that all?” I asked him.

“For now, yes.” He said as he stood up.

“Wait, honey, I think we should discuss this more.” Lily said as she watched him then turned to me. “Michael, you should know that this also affected your father as well. He had a hard time after you left and I’m sure he just doesn’t want to tell you about it.”

I reached out to grab a chair and I saw my dad walking towards the living room. “Then why doesn’t he tell me this?” I asked her.

“Because he didn’t want you to worry… I was with him when we found you and he was terrified because he thought you did die.” She told me as I moved to sit beside her when she patted the empty chair. “It shocked him and so did everything else that we learned. He just doesn’t know how to express himself. Please, don’t be mad at him, but also give him time to open up.”

I sighed sitting back against the chair as I looked straight at the wall. “Why can’t he just say that… He can tell me that too. He never says anything about that day or about anything.”

“It's just hard to talk about,” She said.

“Okay,” I said, standing up and reached for Elliot's hand as I led him back out through the front door.

“You're not going to run into the streets again are you?” He asked.

“No,” I said walking to the sidewalk and stopped leaning against the fence. “I’m so stupid…”

“Why are you saying that?” Elliot asked, confused.

“I sound just like my dad right now,” I said, rubbing my eyes before turning to him. “I keep asking why he didn’t say anything to me when I could have said something to him as well. It’s just a stupid question we’re both asking each and it’s like when Caesar and I were blaming each other a while ago.”

Elliot didn’t say anything for a second and reached to grab my hand again, “Maybe you should tell him that…” he suggested.

I sighed as I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I know,” I said.

“And maybe you should talk more with him about what happened that night. It seems like he’s just as affected as you were.” He continues. “He thought you died. I’m sure that scarred him.”

“I don’t think he’ll want to continue talking.” I said as I let go of him to look over at the house. “And maybe I shouldn’t push it either. I think we both have said enough so far.”

“Well, then, let’s go back in and see. If he doesn’t want to talk anymore then just tell him that he can always talk more about it next time when he’s ready.” Elliot said as he began to pull me back to the house.

I followed right behind him, “Alright.” I said.

Elliot stopped at the doorway and pulled me closer to him as he kissed me, “Are you at least a little better now?”

I nod, “Yeah.”

Lily was in the kitchen and she turned to us. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I just wanted a bit of air,” I told her and looked around. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s outside thinking he needs to fix something.” She said. “Do you still want to stay? I’m making dinner already.”

“Yes, if you guys still don’t mind us staying,” I said as I leaned over the countertop.

“Of course. This is your home so I’m not going to tell you when you're not allowed to be in it.” She told me then walked over to me and gave me a hug. “Look, about everything we talked about today…”

“It’s okay. I understand now. Is it okay if we just talked more about it another day?” I asked her.

“Of course. And with your health, I hope you’ll feel better and if you have any problems let us know so we can help you.” She tells me as she walks back to the stove.

“I will,” I said, before moving to go outside and I see Elliot staying behind talking to Lily.

I saw my dad at the shed we have by the side of the house and I walked over grabbing a chair to sit down when he saw me but continued to rearrange things inside. Maybe he wanted to talk or he wasn’t ready to listen as well. Sometimes I’m not even sure what he’s thinking and not approaching him always felt like an easier option.

“Are you going to stay out here all night?” I asked him.

“Just a bit.” He answered.

I sat there by the side as I watched him and I took a deep breath before saying, “Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were so affected by my actions and it just never occurred to me that it would hurt you because Iwas in the right mind to think about what would happen when you find me.”

My dad walked over to me pulling a chair to sit beside me. “I don't want you to apologize to me for what happened and I had a lot of thinking to do while you were away. I know I have my own faults... I just don’t always know what to do or say about things and this is something that I just don’t know how to handle. In a way, it’s good that you're with your mother because it seems like she’s doing better with you then when you were with me.”

I thought about this and looked down at the ground, “I just hope that everything is okay now between us and with everything that happened. I’m still learning to be open about my past and I’m okay about talking about it with you later on in the future. And, also when you're ready too.”

“If you give me time then it’ll be good to talk more about it later.” He said as he reached out to pat my back.

I didn't have anything else to say and we made our way inside to see Elliot helping Lily set the table. They obviously were well engaged in a conversation, Elliot always gets along with everyone he meets, and we sat down around the table as Lily served us pasta that she made. It was comfortable sitting all together then I thought and for a second I wondered if we shouldn’t have had that argument earlier or if the discussion was too serious to have brought up right away, but I just hope this will make it better for me to return here again. Once dinner was over, I offered to wash the dishes while Elliot continued to talk with my parents and I feel like maybe he was just trying to make them comfortable after our discussion or he just wanted to continue to keep a good impression of himself.

“What do you want to do?” Elliot asked as he walked over to me while I wiped my hand with a towel after I was done.

“What are they up to?” I asked him, quietly.

“They’re watching television in the living room,” he answered as he grabbed the towel after I finished wiping my hands and put it on the counter. “How are you doing?”

I inhale as I lean against the counter, “I’m okay. Distracted about everything that happened today so it was good that it all didn’t end bad or with me running out of the house again. I’m also trying to process that we just randomly ran into Caesar earlier. It’s just been a long day.”

Elliot reached a hand out to brush over the top of my head, “You’ll be okay tomorrow after all that happened?”

I nod, “Yeah, I will. I honestly feel okay. I’m not mad anymore and I actually feel calm, but I think it has more to do with all that we discussed. I’m just hoping that my dad and I can communicate better now or within time.”

“I’m sure it will,” he said as he smiled softly. “Come on, let’s go sit with them before we go to bed.”

"Wait," I said, stopping him to wrap my arms around him holding on to him. "Thanks for being here and helping out. For everything."

He didn't say anything as he hugged me back then began to pull me along as we made our way out of the kitchen.

"How about I buy you ice cream tomorrow," he said.

I laughed, “Okay, that sounds like you're trying to reward a little kid.”

“What you don’t want?”

“I do."

Elliot and I sat together on the empty couch quietly watching the movie that was already on the television while the rest of the evening we had small talk about the movie and my dad was the first to head to bed then Lily followed behind him. We were left alone in the living room and I moved to lay down, placing my head on Elliot's lap while my legs rested on the armrest with my feet dangling. We watched another movie after going through the channels and I was completely distracted when I felt Elliot's fingers running through the top of my head. It was a soothing feeling after a while that I began to get sleepy and I could barely pay attention to the movie.

“I’m going to fall asleep if you keep doing that…” I mumbled as I closed my eyes.

“Then sleep. I know you’re tired,” he said as he continued brushing my hair. “I never noticed your curly hair. It’s getting a bit long.”

“Should I shave my head?” I asked him, jokingly.

“No. I like it,” he answered as he moved his fingers brushing over my cheeks.

I was almost falling asleep as I felt his hands moving lower as his hands brushed my neck and I opened my eyes reaching out to grab his hands. “What is it?”

“Nothing. Just keep brushing my hair.” I tell him as I let go of his hand.

He didn’t say anything as he ran his fingers over my head again, “Do you want to go to bed?” He asked.

“No,” I answered as I looked at the television again. “I know what you're planning.”

“Do you?” he asked.

“It was obvious when you asked me to spend another night here,” I answered as I kept my eyes on the television now.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

I moved to sit up and reached for the remote to turn off the television. “If I’m going to sleep in that room then let’s sit outside for a bit,” I tell him. “Sitting here would just make me anxious.”

“Alright,” He said as he followed me and we made our way outside to sit by the pool.

I sat by the edge of the pool taking off my shoes then socks to just dip my feet in the water while Elliot sat beside me in a chair.

“When you were young after your dad died, were there any problems that you faced?” I asked him. “I know you said that you had a hard time coping, but it seemed that none of that has ever happened to you.”

Elliot tilted his head as he thought about this and glanced over at the water thoughtfully. “I guess I would have been the opposite of who I am today if I didn’t take care of myself or had help. I was like you: restricting myself from being around people, avoiding making friends, and getting attached to people. I know Jennifer told you all this already, but I guess you can relate more compared to other people.” he tells me.

I looked over at him and I nod slowly, shifting slightly to face him while keeping my feet in the water. “Yeah, I can understand. I don’t... I don’t cause you any triggers? I know you’ve told me that I’m not a bother, but I’m sure I do stress you out. You don’t have to pretend if my behavior has bothered you enough that could affect your past behavior.”

Elliot moved off from the chair to sit beside me, cross-legged, and wrapping his arms around me lean against him. “If you don’t want me to lie then, yes, I do stress out but that doesn’t mean that you stress me out or that you trigger me. I stress out because I wonder if I’m good enough for you because I might come off too strong when trying to help you deal with your problems and it does remind me of who I was as a kid. Maybe to you it seems like I handle myself well, but in the back of my mind I worry that might not be enough or I'm not enough."

I thought about this and smiled, “So, you worry about things like that too?”

He nods, “I do, but just remember that you don’t affect me. Are you asking me this because your dad said he was hurt about your suicide attempt and now you're worried about me again?”

“Of course. I thought it was just my life that changed, but it also changed for other people more than I thought it would and if I had known that then maybe I wouldn’t have done that.” I answered. “I didn’t think about my dad or Lily or what they would do when they find me and now that I know…”

Elliot leaned his head against my shoulder and I can hear him taking a breath, “I thought you said that you're okay?” he asked me.

“I am… These thoughts came to me after a while and it just made me curious.” I told him as I leaned my head to rest on top of his head and I continued to stare at the water. “I don’t want all this to bother me and I’m still tired from last night then I got tired after talking with my dad and now I’m just tired in general.”

Elliot didn’t say anything for a second before glancing over at me, “That doesn’t sound like you're okay.”

“I’m only saying.” I said as I turned away as I closed my eyes taking a breath. “Okay, let’s go inside. I think I want to sleep now.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “We can stay out here a little longer.”

I shook my head as I pulled my feet out of the water and moved to stand up, “Come on.” I said reaching a hand out to help him stand up. “Let’s just go to bed.”

Elliot watched me for a second before reaching out to stop me from walking, “Alright. We can go to bed, but if you don’t feel well you have to wake me up. Don’t let yourself deal with it alone just because you don’t want to bother me.” he tells me.

I nod as I look at the ground nervously before glancing back to him, “I promise.”

Elliot pulled on the sleeve of my shirt to lead me in the house and we made sure the doors were locked before going upstairs. We took turns to use the restroom preparing ourselves before getting in bed and the whole time I waited outside my bedroom until Elliot was done because I didn’t want to be alone in my room. I wanted to say that the room felt tense, but I also think that it was just me as we moved to lay down and laid down closer together as we realized that the bed was a bit small. Elliot wrapped his arm around me to hold me closer as I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, as I tried to remain calm and hoped that I could fall asleep soon.

“Do you want to know what I worry about when I can’t fall asleep?” Elliot asked me as he leaned his head closer towards me and I can feel his fingers brushing across my palm as if trying to get my attention.

“What?” I asked him.

“Before meeting you, I wondered a few times about why I’m studying psychology and wonder if it will ever be worth it. I say I want to be a psychiatrist, but I have moments where I wondered if I’m studying all of this to help people or is it because I couldn’t help my dad.” Elliot said as he still traced his fingers over my palm before intertwined his fingers in mine. “I didn’t like myself when we first met and getting to know, learning what you went through, made me realize that I finally met someone that could understand me and someone that I could express my feelings to that won’t judge me.”

I listened to him and for a second I wanted to smile, “You do know that you don’t always talk about your feelings right?” I said.

He smirked, “I know, but I’m trying to be honest right now. Having to share about my dad felt overwhelming that I didn’t think anyone could understand and maybe it didn’t matter to other people.” he continued to explain. “That’s when I thought it didn’t matter what I say so maybe there are others whose voice that does and I rather reach out to them instead.”

For a second I didn’t know how to respond as I glanced down at our hands, “I think what you’ve done for me these past few months and all the words you’ve said is something I could never expect from anyone. I think that’s something that you should be proud of. I hope you do know that what you were worried about actually made you a better person and also amazing at what you do.”

He leaned over to kiss my cheek, “I can only believe that because you said it.”

“Don’t your parents know about the career path you want to study?” I asked him.

“No, not really. I explained it to them, but it seems like they’ll just see how I do when I start college and I guess when I actually work in that field,” he tells me. “I don’t mind what they think honestly because I am still trying to focus on my studies and making sure that I do go to a good college to be able to do all that.”

I thought about this for a minute and looked back at him as I pulled the covers over my legs, “I don’t know what I want to study… I know we’ve talked about this before, but thinking about college and what I should major on is difficult. I don’t know if I want to do something to help people like how you want to or taking on something like teaching or even computers. None of that is me or catches my interest.”

“You’ll find something that you’ll like,” Elliot said as he let go of my hand to hug me. “If it still bothers you later on then you can always talk to a college counselor and they’ll help you. There's also no harm in taking elective courses in college to find something that’ll grab your interest.”

I slowly moved to sit up and leaned back against the headboard, “Speaking of counselor… I think I’m going to reach out to see a therapist,” I tell him as I let out a long breath. “My mom moved because they offered her better health care at her job and it was originally so I can look for help when her old insurance couldn’t cover it. I’ve been avoiding it and I think maybe I need more professional help.”

Elliot moved to sit up as well and seemed confused for a second, “Well, I think that would be good if you need the extra help.” he said.

“I think my emotions have gotten a little uncontrollable recently. I can be so mad and frustrated then I suddenly have my episodes because I overthink certain situations.” I tried to explain to him as I rubbed my neck feeling a little nervous. “Maybe I should go back to taking pills to help me again… I need better control of myself…”

“What brought this? You never said anything about it.”

“I just thought about it after my episode last night. Thinking about why I had the episode, trying to deal with that panic attack, and everything that happened today with my dad just left me feeling frustrated.” I said as I can feel the anger as I was trying to explain it to him.

Elliot didn’t say anything as he looked at me for a long minute, “Well, talk about it with your mom first and when you're up for it make an appointment once you find a doctor.” he said as he moved to lay down again. “I think that’s good that you want to do this.”

“I’m just nervous, but I know I should do this and I’ve been delaying it for too long,” I said as I moved to lay back beside him.

“Don’t be nervous. You’ve met a therapist before and you were able to do it before so it should be making you feel more at ease knowing that you're asking for help.” He said as he closed his eyes.

I slowly reached a hand out to brush over the front of his hair pushing it back. “Hey, about what you were saying before… You said that you didn’t like yourself. Do you still feel that way now?”

“No.” he answered. “It's different now. How about yourself?”

I thought about this before closing my eyes, “I’m still trying not to.” I answered. “I think I still need sometime to be happy with myself; just like when I said I need time to forgive myself. All those feelings came at once and to deal with it for years wouldn’t make it go away as you wish.”

“Then, give yourself that time,” he tells me. “Now, can you be able to sleep peacefully?”

I smiled, “Yes.”

“Then let’s sleep or we won’t wake up on time for school,” he tells me, yawning as he’s slowly falling asleep with his head resting against my shoulder.

“Good night,” I mumbled.