Chapter 14

I got out of the car following Elliot as we went inside seeing Jason already putting in his order and we waited for our turn to put in our order; Elliot got himself a BLT burger while I only got a regular burger. I’ll be sharing fries with Elliot because I wasn’t hungry. After getting our meals we all sat down at a table and for a while, it was quiet between us as we started eating then Elliot started small talk with his brother: asking him about the university, the classes that he’s taking, and was curious about his time in the university dorms. It was interesting listening to the things he had to say because I haven’t thought about college yet and I know that Elliot will be graduating this year… So what college would he be going to?

I glanced over at him before reaching for a napkin to wipe my hand, “Do you know what college you would be going to?”

Elliot shrugged his shoulders, “I have two universities that I hope I can get into, but I haven’t gotten any words yet. I still have another month to wait for their responses."

I didn’t say anything because I just realized that we never talked about college and his graduation that’s coming up. What if it ends between us because he’ll be going to school somewhere far like his brother and he won’t want to come back. I picked at my fries that I had and I glanced over at Elliot as these thoughts went through my head. Maybe right now I shouldn’t be thinking about this and I can ask him about it later on while we see what college he decides to attend. I tried to listen to the conversation realizing that I haven’t been listening in and saw that Jason was directing his attention on me now.

“And what do you want to study Michael?” Jason asks me.

I shrugged my shoulder, “I don’t know… I haven’t thought about it. I’m not sure there’s anything that I’m good at or interested in right now to study in college.”

“You're in your junior year?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Well, you have this year and next year to figure it out. Find a subject you think you're good at and look more into it.” He tells me. “It’s good to find something that gives you confidence and to work with in your life.”

I looked down as I thought about it. “I haven’t had a chance to focus in school until this year so I have to see about that after I give myself time to think about it…”

Elliot reached to hold my hand, under the table. “It’s okay if you don’t know right now.”

I looked up to see Elliot glancing over at me and it was like he wanted to comfort me. “Yeah…” I mumbled.

Jason looked at us both before leaning against the table, “So what is it between you guys?” he asks us.

“What?” Elliot asked, sounding a little hesitant.

“Oh, come on, it’s pretty obvious,” he said.

“Is it?” I asked, blushing slightly.

“We’re dating.” Elliot blurts out and I glanced at him then to his brother. “We have been for a while and I was actually going to tell you today.”

Jason didn’t say anything for a second before sitting back, “I didn’t know you were gay.” he said.

“Well, I guess you can say bisexual,” Elliot said and he cleared his throat. “It was something I never thought I felt until recently.”

I didn’t know what to say so I started quietly.

“Have you told our parents?” he asked Elliot.

“No.” he answered shortly. “I haven’t come out to anyone yet.”

Then Jason turns to me, “And do your parents know?”

I turn to Jason and nod, “My mom knows. I haven’t seen my dad for a while so when I go visit him I was planning to tell him.” I said.

“Your parents are divorced?” he asked.

“Yes, my mom left my dad when I was young, but I’m currently living with her,” I explained and I looked down not wanting to say more.

“Michael is open about it with his family and they don’t have problems about our relationship,” Elliot said.

“Oh, well, that’s good. Well, I guess it’s nice that you can tell me. I won’t tell if you don’t want me to.” Jason tells Elliot. “I honestly don’t know how open my parents are… We never talked about homosexuality before…”

“There shouldn’t be any pressure with telling them… I know it’s always important for the parent to accept it and hope that they won’t flip out, but also know that they won’t give you any type of response right away as well.” I said as I looked down at my empty plate. “Just saying it out loud is just healthy for you because it’s just a sign of acceptance towards yourself.”

Elliot looked at me before Jason said, “Those are wise words.”

I glanced up, “I just know by experience…”

Jason nods and Elliot let out a heavy sigh, “I think we should call it a night.” he said.

“Alright. Then I’ll be heading out.” he reached out to pat Elliot on the back before reaching out to shake my hand. “It’s nice meeting you, Michael. Watch over my idiot brother.”

I smiled, “I will.”

We watched him leave before I turned to Elliot, “So, how does it feel telling him?”

“Alright. I mean, I knew he would be more understanding, but I was still nervous,” he said as he got up and waited for me before we headed towards the parking lot.

“I liked your brother. He seemed so easy to talk to.” I said as we walked to the car and I paused for a second as I moved to stand in front of him. “Elliot?”

“Yeah?”

I looked up at him as I tried to find the words I wanted to ask him. “Are we… Are we still going to be together once you graduate? What if you go to college far and we don’t end up seeing each other anymore?”

Elliot looked at me confused for a second before reaching out to put his hands on my shoulder. “I haven’t even thought about that far yet. I know it’s coming up for me to graduate, but going to college is still months away and I still haven’t found out what college I will be going to,” he tells me. “Don’t worry about any of that because I was never planning to break up with you just because I’ll be going to college. You're still important to me.”

I looked at him before I nodded, “Okay…” I said as I sighed heavily. “The school year is almost ending and I never thought about what would happen for the next school year and I haven’t even thought of what I want to study when I go to college. I don’t even know what college to go to or anything.”

“Michael, hold on, don’t get so worked up about this. All of that is good to be thinking about, but it’s okay to take your time to think it over and you don’t have to figure it out right away because you also have to focus on your senior year as well.” he tells me. “If you need help figuring it out then ask me or even a teacher at school. There’ll always be someone to help guide you.”

I looked at him, “And will you be okay with whatever I end up picking?” I asked him.

“Of course,” he answered. “We have to figure things out in time, but let’s not do that now.”

“Alright…” I said as he finally let go of me and we got inside the car.

We started making our way towards my house and once at home I waited for Elliot to take down his bag while I grabbed my keys to unlock the front door. I let Elliot leave his bag in the room and after a while he used the restroom to wash up and I looked around my room trying to clean up any mess while I started building the air mattress that he’s been using when he spends the night. I paused for a second thinking that I didn’t mind him sleeping in my room, but maybe he would be more comfortable in a bed or even the couch since there is no one at home.

“What are you thinking about?” Elliot said and I turned seeing him walk out of the restroom.

“Do you want to sleep here or would you rather sleep on the bed?” I asked him, curiously. “You don’t have to sleep on the floor; there is my mom’s bed or the couch.”

“I don’t mind it here,” he said as he put his clothes away and turned to me. “Unless you rather I sleep somewhere else?”

I shook my head, “No, here is fine. I just wanted to make sure before I finish setting everything up. I know the air mattress might not be comfortable...”

“It’s still early. Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked me.

“Alright,” I said as I finished setting his bed and got up as we walked over to the living room.

Elliot was sitting down on the couch and I went over to turn off the lights before moving to sit beside him. We went through the channel until we came across a movie we were able to agree with and we sat quietly watching then I moved leaning over towards him then he wrapped his arms around me pulling me closer. It was so warm being held like this and I reached my hand out to hold his. We watched the movie to the end and I was slowly falling asleep when I heard Elliot calling my name softly.

“Michael, do you want to go to bed?” He asks me.

“Sorry,” I said, running my eyes and sitting up a bit.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” he tells me as he grabs my arm.

“Um, yeah,” I said as I slowly got up.

He turned off the television as we made our way to my room and I sleepily climbed into my bed feeling Elliot's hand brushing over my forehead. I almost forgot that I was sick with the cold and I wondered if he was checking to see if it was back, but I felt fine all day and I think the medicine helped me.

“I’m okay now,” I mumbled as I put the covers up over myself. “I haven’t felt sick since this morning.”

“I’m just making sure.” He tells me as he flicks the light switch and I can hear him move to his bed on the floor.

“Elliot?” I said as I opened my eyes and moved so I can see him from where he’s laying.

“Yeah?”

“Tomorrow, let’s go back to where you took me at that mountain with the waterfall,” I asked him.

I can hear him chuckle, “Is that what you want to do?” He asks.

“Yeah,” I answered, moving to lay down again, closing my eyes again and making myself comfortable. “Is that fine?”

“Sure.” He answered. “I don’t mind. We can do whatever you want to do.”

"Okay..." I was falling asleep again, “Good night.” I said quietly.

“Good night Michael.”

In the morning, I woke up before Elliot and made my way to the restroom first before going to the kitchen to get something to drink. I stood there for a while feeling the house so quiet and for a second I thought I’ll hear my mom coming out of her room until I remember that she wasn’t home. I put the cup down and I took a deep breath as I made my way back to my room seeing Elliot still asleep. I moved to lay back down on my bed hoping that I can fall back to sleep since it’s still so early in the morning; I’m so used to waking up so early then I have to. I was laying there for a while feeling the house so quiet that it was making it difficult to just fall back to sleep and I sighed sitting up again feeling restless.

“What’s wrong?” I hear Elliot asking sleepily as he turns over to face me.

“Nothing. Go back to sleep. It’s still early.” I tell him.

He sighed heavily as he started moving a bit making space beside him, “Come on.” He said as he closed his eyes again laying back down.

“Elliot-”

“Shhh, come over here.” He said as he yawned and patted at the space beside him.

I stared at him for a second before I slowly went to lay down beside him and put his covers over me. “Thanks” I mumbled.

I laid there beside him as he moved to put an arm over me like he was to hug me then quickly fell back to sleep as if he was sleep-talking the whole time. I laid there looking up at the ceiling, as I can hear him snoring softly beside me and I didn’t know why I let myself lay beside him when I promised myself that I’ll keep my distance when he spends the night. But sleeping beside me doing absolutely nothing aside holding me as if I’m like his stuff bear and I hate that I have to keep reminding myself that he’s not going to do anything. I took a glance over at him before I closed my eyes finally feeling tired enough to sleep again. Elliot was closer to me when I woke up again and he was still asleep. I looked at him closer, turning my body to face him properly, and Elliot sighed as he moved his head to lean on mine.

“Why are you up so early again?” He mumbled.

“It’s almost eleven now,” I tell him.

“It’s a weekend. That’s when you sleep in.” He retorts.

I smiled, “I don’t usually sleep in. This is actually oversleeping for me.”

He opened his eyes to look at me, “You're such a morning person. You even woke up at six in the morning last time I slept over.”

“I wake up early to see my mom before she leaves for work and I don’t see her again until late in the evening,” I tell him. “I’m just used to it now.”

Elliot looked at me before leaning in to kiss me. “Don’t you get lonely being here alone?” He asks me.

I was a little surprised when he kissed me and thought about his question. “No, not really” I answered as I looked away. “I spent a lot of time by myself even before living with my mom so I’m used to it. I get up in the mornings to see her before she leaves because she’s been trying hard to be involved and she’s helped me a lot.”

Elliot leaned in to kiss me again and he didn’t pull away. Was it something that I said that made him want to kiss me?

“I haven’t brushed my teeth,” I said, blushing.

“It’s fine. I haven’t either.” He said quietly.

Elliot continues to kiss me and I kissed him back because it felt nice; because it was warm having him beside me; because I knew that he wasn’t going to hurt me.

“We should get ready if we’re going to the mountain.” I cut in, breaking our moment.

Elliot sighed as he lay back down, turning his head to look at me. “That’s right…Why do you want to go there today?”

“Because I want to make a better memory compared to our first date,” I said as I sat up. “Also I want to see the waterfall again.”

Elliot thought about this before sitting up as well. “You always worry about what I say and when I’m around people, but I worry when you say things like that to someone else.” He tells me as he moves closer to me, kiss me again.

I wanted to laugh, “I didn’t say it in any way.”

I’m still taken by surprise because he’s never been passionate like this before and there’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m still feeling cautious with every movement he makes. He moved closer to me, slowly laying back down, and I raised one of my hands to cup along the side of his jaw as he continued to kiss me. At the moment it felt so nice to be able to wake up and have someone besides me, even in an empty home, that now it was more comforting. I saw him move over me and I felt his hands brushing along my neck to my shoulder and for a second I couldn’t see his face like it was becoming a blur.

My mind suddenly went wanting this to stop as I suddenly had a hard time breathing and as I saw this dark shadow over me giving me this terrifying feeling on the pit of my stomach. I'm trying not to remember and confuse myself from the past to the present, but it was so hard to ignore when I could recall the memories like it just happened yesterday. Elliot must have noticed my panic because he moved his hands away and moved away from me so that he wasn't over me. We sat there for a while as I had to look away trying to calm myself and try to push those memories away.

“Michae, it’s okay,” he said as he reached out to grab my hand so I can look at him. “I’m not going to do anything. I promise.”

I looked up at him and I tried to take deep breaths as I nodded, “I know.” I said. “It's just those flashbacks… It just always freaks me out.”

“Do you want me to step out of the room?” he asked.

I couldn’t help but smile, “Are you joking or you mean it? Because I would rather you stay here then leave. It’s, um, going away now so I’m fine.”

He smiled softly as he brushed his fingers across my cheeks before leaning down to kiss me, almost pulling away before I kissed him back.

“Do you want to get ready now?”

“Yeah.” I answered.

He moved as he helped me up, “Come on, let’s also have breakfast because you’ll faint if you hike with an empty stomach.” he tells me.

I sighed as I thought about this, “I'm not really hungry…”

He turned to me, “Come on. If you want to go up to the mountains then you have to eat.” he tells me with a pouty face.

I looked at him and smiled, “Alright, I’ll eat. Let’s get ready now.”

We changed into comfortable clothes then within a couple of minutes we were ready to leave and Elliot thought it’ll be better to buy food on the way to help save time because it was already close to twelve by the time we walked out of the house. We pulled up to the supermarket for a quick stop to buy drinks and snacks then to a drive-thru to buy our very late breakfast and we ate quietly in the car with the radio on. I was finishing eating while I was helping by putting the snacks inside the backpack we brought and I made sure it wasn’t too heavy or overpack because Elliot still wanted to bring the blanket again for us to sit when we reached the waterfall.

“Alright. Ready?” he asked as he parked the car and turned to me.

I nod, “Yeah.”

We got out of the car and Elliot took the backpack as I followed beside him making our way down the path. I had on one of my better shoes this time so I wouldn’t fall down again, hopefully, and as we’re walking there seemed to be more people compared to last time. After a couple of minutes while walking in silence I reached my hand out to him and we walked together as we made our way up the hills making sure that we were being careful. I was already a bit breathless as we almost reached the waterfall and I grabbed a water bottle to take a sip,

“Do you want some?” I asked him.

“Sure,” he said as he reached for the bottle that I drink from. “You know, to help with your episodes, stress, and whenever you're not feeling well, it says that getting exercise is a good healthy way to relieve it.”

I turned to him. “I know that I’m not fit.”

“No, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m only saying, from the books that I’ve read, it just says going for a run or walks can help cleanse your body and mind,” he explains. “And it’ll just give you a healthier balance. It's the same if you rather write when you're feeling upset or meditating.”

I thought about this for a second before we pulled out the blanket to lay it down close to the waterfall and I moved to sit down. “I haven’t opened that workbook that I bought at the bookstore…” I tell him. “I sometimes don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’ll work. I’ve just gotten used to just dealing with it on my own.”

“But you don’t have to deal with it on your own. It should be fine if you ask for help or see a professional therapist so you don’t have to do it alone.” Elliot tells me.

I looked over at the water seeing people playing around, “I just got used to it that way. When I was in the hospital, I had to be held for two months without visitors besides my parents while doing therapy… After I was released and figuring out what I will do, I continued to do therapy for another four months before we couldn’t afford it anymore.” I told him.

“Well, would you be interested in figuring a solution together?” he asks me. “We can go running in the morning or after school, maybe we can spend our time working on the workbook or see what else we can do.”

“You don’t have time for all that… You also have volleyball and I’m sure you’ll be busy soon with your classes.” I tell him. “Don’t you also have senior activities coming up?”

“So? I don’t spend my time caring about senior activities and with volleyball, it’s not an everyday thing.” he retorts. “I can give time to be with you and be with you through this if you want me to.”

I didn’t say anything as I leaned my head over his shoulder and we stayed quiet for a couple of minutes.

“Let’s try that out then…” I said after a while.

“Well, would you be interested in figuring something out together?” he asks me. “We can go running in the morning or after school or maybe we can spend our time working on the workbook or see what else we can do.”

“You don’t have time for all that… You also have volleyball and I’m sure you’ll be busy soon with your classes.” I tell him. “Don’t you also have senior activities coming up?”

“So? I don’t spend my time caring about senior activities and with volleyball, it’s not an everyday thing.” he retorts. “I can give time to be with you and be with you through this if you want me to.”

I didn’t say anything as I leaned my head over his shoulder and we stayed quiet for a couple of minutes. “Let’s try that out then…” I said after a while.

Elliot wrapped his arm around me, almost pulling me to a hug. “You think practicing with volleyball can help you out?” he asks me.

I thought about this, “Maybe. It’s a nice distraction, honestly.”

“Then we can work with that,” he said and it slowly became quiet between us for a while.

“I didn’t mean to freak out earlier….” I said, breaking the silence.

“It’s okay. You didn’t freak out,” he said, turning to me. “I should be the one to say sorry because I promised that I wouldn’t do anything and I did.”

“You kissing me shouldn't be something to apologize about…” Blushing at the words I just said and I pressed my lips together for a second. “It was just the same thing as before… My vision just confused me with what happened in the past again and it made me panic for a second. It wasn’t because I thought you were going to do something or thought that you would hurt me.”

Elliot looked over at me again, “So, you didn’t mind it?” he asked me.

“I didn’t,” I answered.

He smiled, “So, you wouldn’t mind it if I were able to do that again?”

I know my face is still red as I shook my head, “I don’t.” I answered, turning to him. “I was surprised, but I don’t mind it.”

He leaned over to kiss me and smiled, “Good. I was waiting for you to be comfortable after what happened when we were here.” He tells me.

I thought about this, “I didn’t mind it then, but it’s the same thing as before where my body just panicked. I always try to push those memories away.”

“It's like the flashback, you call it. That happens when you repress those memories, they can come back like a person remembering their past after having amnesia,” Elliot tells me and he reached out to hold my hand. “I can see why you would get confused and panic.”

I thought about this for a second before I nodded, “You actually said it just right… I try hard to not remember everything and there are times that it just comes back in dreams or it just flashes into my head during stressful situations…” I explained. “It can be a bit overwhelming when that happens so that’s why I freak out and start to panic.”

“Yeah… I can understand that. I know I didn’t understand that before when I first met you, but now I do and I was trying to be patient about it with you.” he said as he moved to lay down and patted on the side beside him.

I looked at him before I moved to lay down, “I was afraid you would get tired of me when I’m like that.” I confessed as I looked up at the sky.

He looked at me confused for a second, “No. Not once have I ever thought of that.” he tells me. “Were you always worried about that?”

“Yeah… Especially when I’m not having my good days because I feel like I’m not worth being around with or you’ll get fed up with me.” I told him and I sighed heavily. “I get fed up with myself sometimes.”

“If I was ever tired of it, as you call it, I would have left a long time ago.” He tells me.

I didn’t say anything as I listened to him and after some time I sat up as I moved closer to the waterfall. Elliot watched from where he sat as I leaned over to running my fingers through the water and stayed there for a while now a little lost in thought; it felt cool and refreshing as I moved my hand under the water. It was nice being able to talk through with him and just hearing his words as he tried to understand me. I glanced over at Elliot and he was still watching me before I went back over to him as I wondered a few things.

“You don’t talk much about your family,” I said breaking the silence.

“What do you want to know?” He asked.

“Well, anything, I guess. You never say much besides what happened to your dad and meeting your brother.” I said as I dried my hand with the blanket.

“Well, I guess I’m not exactly close with my family as I think I am. I like my step-dad and Jason is a good person, but then I don’t always get too involved with family activities.” He tells me.

“Is it the whole blood-family part?” I ask.

“No, not really. For a while, it was when my mom started dating again, but I guess maybe I just pushed them away so I won’t be hurt like how it happened with my dad.” He said as he moved to lay down again.

“So, just like me, you're afraid to get hurt again?” I asked as I looked down at him. “You pushed them away too?”

He didn’t say anything for a second as he looked back at me. “I guess so. I never thought about it like that.” He answered.

“But you’re happy having them around now, right?” I asked, curiously.

“Oh, yes, I like my dad and Jason has been a great big brother so it’s nice having a bit of a bigger family,” he answered and he paused for a second before turning to me. “Did you ever want a bigger family? Your dad has a girlfriend so what if they have a baby together?”

I shrug my shoulder, “I don’t think I cared about big families or siblings. I always thought things were fine how they are and I got over their divorce, but now I wish there can be another child so their focus won’t always be on me. It would be better if there was another sibling around for them to be distracted from. I hate that I’ve caused them so much worry and stress.”

“But that’s family. We cause stress or they bring stress to us.” Elliot said as he reached for his backpack and pulled out one of the snacks that we bought.

I stared at him as he grabbed the bag of trail mix before I reached out to stop him from opening them then put my wrist on his hands instead after I pulled up the sleeves on my shirt. “I think I’ve already done enough stress…” I tell him.

Elliot was confused for a second before looking down at my arms to my wrist then running his thumbs over after noticing my scars. “You didn’t have to show them to me,” he said as he still brushed his fingers over my skin.

“But at some point, you will see them and it doesn’t feel like I’m hiding them from you as well,” I tell him. “We’ve talked about me not cutting anymore, but it wasn’t like you ever witnessed it happen or saw the scars since I’m always covering them.”

“I know…” he said sheepishly and turned to me. “Has anyone ever seen you harming yourself?”

“No… They only see cuts afterward, sometimes.” I answered and took a deep breath as I pulled my hand away to hand him back his snacks. “I try not to show it as best as I can. My dad didn’t know I cut myself until I was in the hospital and I continued it after I started living with my mom for a few months.”

Elliot nods as he opens the bag then offers some to me first. “That just seems so painful…” he stated. “I can’t even imagine doing that to myself… I never could understand how a mind would lead a person to self-harm, but then dealing with what you did and where your state-of-mind goes...”

I didn’t respond back as I ate some of the trail mixes that he gave me and we were silent for a while quietly thinking to ourselves. Elliot decided to not go swimming in the water this time because it’ll be cold once we head out and I didn’t want to risk having a cold again to join him. We hung around a little longer compared to our first visit as we finally talked about a lighter subject; like school, going swimming when we go visit my dad this coming weekend. I was feeling easier now being able to talk about the past than it ever felt before and I knew there were things that Elliot wouldn’t understand, but he took in every word that I said.