Chapter 15

We left the waterfall around five in the evening, only because it will be hard to walk down with the sun setting, Elliot said he knows his way even if we can't see with the sun gone, but I still worry about us getting lost or getting injured. We were trying to debate on what to do next as we were reaching the car and I paused for a second to catch my breath. Maybe because I’m getting over my cold or maybe I should exercise, but I’m more tired from hiking compared to the first time.

“Elliot, can we just buy something and go home?” I asked him.

“Are you sure?” He asks as he opens the trunk of his car to put his backpack there and unlocked the doors after.

“I don’t… I don’t want to go out.” I didn’t know how to say it and I don’t know why I suddenly felt like this. “I just want to go home.”

Elliot looked at me confused as I got inside the car and he got in as well. “Are you sure?” He asks me. “I thought you wanted to go out today?”

I shrug my shoulders, “I did, but…” I trailed off and I sighed. “Sorry, no, let’s go somewhere. I don’t know why I’m panicking.”

“No, it’s okay if you want to go home..” he said as he turned on his car.

I reached out to grab his hand, “I’m sorry, let’s go out. It's still early and we have enough time to do something before going home.”

“You sure?” he asks again.

I nod, “Yeah.”

Elliot drove for a while until we ended up at the pier, trying to find a comfortable spot for us to be in, and it took a couple of minutes to find a parking spot before making our way to the boardwalk. We walked around for a while wanting to spend some time exploring until we were hungry to the restaurant that we usually go to and by the time we were almost done eating the place started getting a pack. We were going to stay longer but the crowd started to make me feel uncomfortable as we had to talk over people who were loud and seeing everyone passing around us so we started making our way outside once we paid. I wasn’t too sure about staying longer, but I suggested for us to walk around a bit even though I know it'll be crowded for a Saturday night.

I was about to reach a hand out to Elliot while we decided to walk further down the pier when I saw something in the corner of my eyes that made me turn around curiously. I knew it would be packed coming here, considering that it's the weekend, but I looked around until I finally saw what caught my attention and I froze on the spot; like they say a deer caught in a headlight. I felt myself hold my breath as I stood there trying to figure out if what I’m seeing is real or my mind trying to confuse me again; I’ve never had illusions before. I walked over curiously, afraid to reach out, to realize that the person I’m seeing is real and now I just wanted to get away.

His face still looked the same from freshman year, yet built and taller, but it gave me such a dark aura that I didn’t want to be near him. Out of all the places that I could run into him, it had to be here. But then it’s not a far drive from the city dad lives in and people would often come to this pier since it’s a popular location. I realized my mistake seeing how close I was to him and I took a few steps back before I accidentally bumped into someone who was annoyed at me.

“Hey, watch it.” They yelled.

“Sor… Sorry.” I mumbled seeing the person walking away then I turned back to find Chris staring at me.

“Michael.” He said bluntly.

I froze again hearing my name, giving me cold shivers down my back, and I looked down afraid to keep eye contact with him.

“So you're not dead…” he said, almost in a laughing tone.

I didn’t know how to feel hearing him say that. “Chris…” I said in a quiet tone.

“Michael.” I turned around seeing Elliot walking over to me looking a little breathless. “I turned around and you were gone. I thought I lost you for a second.”

When I saw him I looked down and I wanted to reach out to him but it felt like I couldn’t with Chris eyes staring at me.

“Who this?” Chris asked, making sure I didn’t forget he was there.

Elliot noticed that I wasn’t alone and turn to him, “El-”

“No one.” I said, cut him off and moved to be in front of Elliot as if shielding him. “We’re leaving.”

I reached out to grab Elliot's arm to pull him away, feeling my hands trembling, and I felt the longer I stayed the harder it was for me to breath. I needed to go away. Hide so he can’t find me again.

“Michael!”

I paused hearing my name and I can feel my hand gripping on the end of Elliot's shirt afraid to turn around.

“I hear you're visiting your dad again.” He said, hearing him walking over to me. “You should have told me and visited. When are you coming back again?”

I kept myself looking away and hearing him say that was making me tremble, “Who told you that?” I asked, curiously.

“My friends spotted you when you were out with your dad. Everyone remembers you.” he said in a tone that I couldn’t distinguish.

Elliot wrapped an arm around me to pull me closer to him. “I’m sorry, but we have somewhere to be,” Elliot said, pulling me to walk with him.

Chris looked from Elliot to me, “I’ll see you next time.”

We walked quickly away from the pier and once I saw that we were off the boardwalk I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. I felt my chest tightened as I’m gasping heavily and I could feel my hands shaking when Elliot placed his hands on my shoulder trying to talk to me. I couldn’t make out the words he was saying as I felt my chest hurt with every breath I took and I couldn’t focus anymore. There were so many questions running through my head when suddenly it was just shouting at me saying to hide.

“Michael, you need to breathe slowly or you're going to faint.” He tells me. I can hear the concern in his voice when I finally looked up.

“I... I can’t,” I said, my voice coming out breathless. I looked around me trying to see where I was at, who was near us, then I covered my face and tried to calm down as best as I could.

“Michael. Who was that?” He asks me as he reaches up to grab my wrist trying to have me look at him. “Talk to me.”

I tried to talk but my breath was coming out short and I was crying now.

Elliot led me away to a bench having me sit down and kneeled down in front of me. “Was it… was it who I think it is?” He asks me.

I could only nod as I looked at him and from his confused expression changed to a hint of anger now.

“I wasn’t sure at first, but then I heard him call me and I got scared…” I finally said as I can still feel my heart racing. “I should have gone home. He saw me and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move. What if he comes back?”

“He’s not. I’ll make sure of it.” Elliot tells me as he reaches out to hold my hand.

“But he knows I’ve been going home, what if he looks for me?”

“Michael, you need to relax. You need to try and not think about this.” he said. “Come on, let’s go back to your house.”

I took my time getting up as he wrapped his arms around me to make sure I was able to walk beside him. I clutched his shirt until we made it to his car, finally able to breathe a little easier now, but I kept looking back afraid that Chris would be following us and that he would take me away. Elliot made sure I got in the car first, helping me put on the seat belt since my hands were still trembling, then went to the other side starting the car right away once inside. I leaned forward, almost placing my head against the dashboard trying to cover my face as I tried taking a deep breath and closed my eyes.

“Why was he there?” I mumbled, more to myself.

“Michael, you need to take it easy or you're going to get sick again.” He told me as he reached out to grab my hand but I pulled my hand away.

“I can’t right now. I thought I’ll never see him again, that I’ll be able to handle it if I did, but I couldn’t.” I tell him. “And he knows I’ve been visiting my dad. What if he tries to find me? I can’t have him be there. I don't know what he’ll do.”

Elliot pulled over to the side of the road and turned to me grabbing my shoulder. “Michael, please, just breathe. You're having a panic attack and you're still getting over your cold so that’s just more stress on your body.” He said, “I know you are in shock, but if you faint or continue having problems breathing I might take you to the hospital and I don’t want to do that.”

I looked at him then nodded as I took a shaking breath, “Okay… Okay, I’m trying.”

“Good. I need you to be more calm before I start driving again.” He tells me as he lets go of my shoulder. “Just sit up and take a deep breath through your nose then out your mouth. You know these breathing exercises.”

I clutched my hands together as I started to breathe like he tells me and also counting hoping that it’ll clear my thoughts. We stayed on the side of the road for more than fifteen minutes and he was quiet as he watched me waiting until I could breathe calmly. I tried to not think of anything as Elliot started making his way again, driving me home, and once there we took our time making our way inside. He locked the door behind him while I stood there in the living room rubbing my forehead feeling a headache and we looked at each other for a long second.

“Come on, let’s go lay down,” Elliot said as he grabbed the edge of my sleeve gently pulling me to my room.

He didn’t have to force me to follow him as I moved to sit down on my bed while Elliot moved over to me reaching out to help take off my sweater. I was in a daze that I didn’t think much of it before I saw him moving to remove my shoe and I turned to him a little surprised at what he was doing. I knew he was trying to help me but I felt shy seeing that he was trying to make me feel comfortable and I wasn’t too sure what to think right now.

“I can do that,” I said as I stopped him so I can take them off myself.

“I just want to help you,” he tells me.

I sighed as I moved to lay down, “I know… I just don’t know what I’m feeling right now… It’s like I feel numb because I was scared and afraid that he was going to do something. I choked when I saw him and I just don’t know what happened from there. I was terrified but now that we’re home I’m trying to feel safe and away from him.” I tried to explain.

Elliot moved to lay down beside me so that I was facing him. “You’re safe here. You're safe with me,” he tells me. “He doesn’t know where you live and I doubt he would think about following us. I’m sure he knows better than to do something in public.”

I leaned forward to rest my head against his chest and I felt his hands patting my back. “The last time I saw him… There was a big fight between us that led from one thing to another…” I mumbled.

Elliot thought about this for a second before saying, “Let’s not talk about him right now. It'll be easier on your mind to worry later when you're at ease and we’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything. You might not ever see him again.”

“I don’t want to see him. I’m scared to be alone with him or be near him or what he will do…” I said and I felt myself starting to panic at the thought.

Elliot continued to rub my back, “Breath.” he tells me. “I don’t want you getting sick from the stress.”

I took a deep breath and it came out shaking. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” he said as he reached out a hand to brush his fingers over my forehead and I closed my eyes.

“You won’t leave me, right?” I asked him in a quiet voice as I kept my eyes closed.

“Never.” He answers.

We laid in bed for the rest of the night and I don’t know how long we were up or when I fell asleep. During that time Elliot stayed by my side, continuing to console me, and we were quiet staying away from any topic that could lead me to have another panic attack. I could hear the sound of Elliot’s heart beating as I was leaning against him and I listened to relax me, but it didn’t help me from having nightmares. It wasn’t like it was having nightmares actually, but memories like I was reliving them from certain pieces that I recalled that would wake me up in a fright. I woke up gasping as if I was holding my breath and I was still hazy from the dream that I was startled when I felt my shoulder being grabbed. I moved away as I panicked and almost tried to push away when Elliot grabbed my arms trying to have me look at him.

“Hey, it was just a bad dream, Michael.” he told me as he pulled me to lay down and I felt myself gasping. “You're okay. Remember, you’re home.”

I felt my hands clutching tightly at his shirt trying to catch my breath. “Sorry… I’m sorry.” I cried.

“It’s just a bad dream. You're safe.” he tells me.

I moved to sit up, covering my face, as I took a deep breath before looking around the room trying to wake myself up and realized where I am, “I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

“It’s okay. There’s nothing for you to be scared of,” he tells me as he watched me and reached out to grab my hand. “Come, lay down again.”

I nod as I do so and he pulls the covers over me then brushes his hands over my forehead.

“You’re going to need some medicine… You feel a little warm,” he tells me. “Where do you keep your medicine?”

“Um, in the kitchen. The first cabinet on the left side of the fridge.” I told him as I sat up. “I can get it if you want.”

“It’s fine. I can do it,” he tells me as he gets up to leave the room.

I waited until he came back to hand me a glass of water and two pills. “Here.” he said as I sat up.

I took the pill and I sighed as I handed him back the cup once I was done. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Now, lay down, it’s like two in the morning so you should sleep some more.” he tells me as he walks out of the room to put the cup in the sink.

I lay back down and I felt a little cold as I pulled the covered over myself. “I'm sorry that I woke you up,” I said after he returned.

He shook his head as he moved to lay beside me. “It's fine. I can be a light sleeper sometimes,” he said as he yawned and wrapped his arms around me pulling me close to him. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired… And exhausted after… After all that happened.” I told him and sighed softly. “Don’t tell my mom…”

“Why not?”

“Because she wanted to make sure that everything went fine while she was away; that there was nothing for her to worry about,” I said as I closed my eyes. "This won't help after everything that we talked about and she won’t let me be alone again."

"Michael, didn't you have a fight with your mom because you weren't telling her about what's been going on with you?" He asked me.

I opened my eyes as I thought about this before looking at him. “I know… sorry… no, I’ll tell her.”

“You want me there when you tell her?” He asks me.

I shook my head, “No, I should be alone when I do. We never talked about Chris… She only knows from what my therapist told her, but we briefly talked about what happened.”

Elliot thought about this before turning back to me. “Alright. And you’ll call me after you talk to her?” he asked.

I nod and I closed my eyes again. “Yeah, I promise.”

Elliot didn’t say any more as I felt his arms holding me close again and I started falling asleep after a while once I was able to clear my mind from the nightmare. By morning, I woke up looking around for a second to see that I was by myself and I was thankful that I didn’t have another nightmare waking me up again. I still couldn’t believe that I ran into Chris at the pier, that he approached me, and saw that dark look in his face that always haunted me. I covered my face as I sighed heavily before looking up, hearing the door open and Elliot walked in with a cup in his hand.

“Morning,” he said as he sat beside me and offered the cup to me.

“Morning… What time is it?” I asked as I looked down at the cup and saw that it was warm tea.

“It's almost one,” he answered as he watched me then raised a hand to touch my forehead. “You had a small fever after you fell asleep… It seems like it's gone now.”

I noticed he looked tired and I wondered if he wasn’t able to sleep because of me. “Yeah, I feel fine now.” I said as I took a sip from the cup. “I can’t believe I slept that long.

“You overworked your body. I can understand why you would rather sleep it off,” he tells me and sighed. “And your mom called.”

“What did she say?”

“That she’ll be home around six and was curious why you were still asleep; it was eleven when she called,” he informs me. “I cleaned a bit in the kitchen and I made some soup since I saw there were a few cans on the shelf.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said as I slowly stood up.

“Oh, come on, I barged into your home for the whole weekend. At least let me help clean,” he said, giving me a small smile.

We walked over to the living room about to go to the kitchen when I stopped and turned to him hesitating on my words. “Don’t baby me… I don’t want it to come off rude and I know I’m sensitive after everything that happened, but I’m just not used to being taken care of.” I tell him.

Elliot sighed as he reached his hands out to grab my shoulders, “Why can’t you just let people help take care of you, Michael? You always push people away when you know that they care or want to help you. We get worried too because you don’t say anything when things bother you, or we worry when you have these episodes.” he tells me. “You say all this, but you're just scared of getting help too.”

“I’m not scared.” I retorted, a little surprised by what he said.

“Yes, you are. You know we are trying to help but you're scared because you didn’t have help before and you're worried that we’ll leave you in the end,” he said, his voice slightly rising, and he stopped for a second before continuing on. “We’re not going to leave you. Why can’t you get that through your head?”

I didn’t say anything as I looked at him for a second, “Because in the back of my head it always feels like it will all end at some point. That feeling never goes away and I’m scared that it will actually happen. I’ve already had it happened before.”

“And this is different compared to back then. This has been better,” he said as his voice softer now. “Just please, let those feelings go… It’ll continue to eat you if you don’t let it. I want you to someday be able to go out and not be afraid; to let people hug you; see you smile all the time.”

I listened as I began to tear up. “For what? So it can hit me in the face again and be left alone? Can’t it just be this?” I ask him. “I have you and my mom… I don’t need anything else.”

Elliot reached out, having his hands cupping my face as I looked up at him. “At some point, this won’t be enough… I’m going to college by the end of summer. I won’t be around so much and you also need to find out what you want to do as well.” he says. “You need to find something else that can make you happy while I’m not here.”

I felt so small as I listened to him, “So you are leaving me…” I mumbled.

“I promise I’m not, but if I move out to live in the dorms or if my school is more than thirty minutes away then it will be hard to have the time to see you. That’s all I’m saying,” he tells me and he pulled me to sit on the couch. “I thought about this all night…”

“What?”

“Well, with your reaction after seeing Chris, I realized that you need to be stronger… I said that you’ve made a lot of progress, but I don’t think it’s enough.” He said.

I looked at him confused, “What else is there besides what I’ve done so far?” I asked him.

“Michael, I’m not trying to say all this to offend you or saying that you're not doing enough, but I know that you can do more if you try or let yourself do better,” he tells me. “That’s all I wanted to say.”

I didn’t say anything for a second as I thought about this and I glanced over at him. “You're only saying this because of what happened with Chris.”

“Of course. I thought about it a lot and I just want you to be able to be more dependent on yourself for the future,” he said. “To be comfortable knowing that you can do things on your own. I know that you can do it if you try harder.”

I took a small breath and I nod, “Yeah, I understand.”

Ellio reached out to hold my hand, “I hope that doesn’t upset you.”

I shook my head, “No, I know what you're trying to say and you’re right about it. I’ll continue to keep trying. I had promised I would so I shouldn't back away from it. I’m just still freaking out in my head...”

He gave me a small smile, “Alright… Now, come on, we need to get you some food.” he said as he pulled me out off the couch.

I followed him to the kitchen to see that Elliot actually did make soup and he grabbed a bowl to serve me. “What did you make?”

“Just some chicken soup. I’m sorry that I looked around, but it’s just one of the things I do know how to make without touching your food,” he tells me. "Well, it's not cooking so don’t think of it as anything fancy."

“Do you cook at home?” I asked as I grabbed a spoon and moved over to the dining area.

“No, not really. There was a while that my parents were gone for the weekend and I was bored of take-outs so I tried to make something,” he tells me as he served a bowl for himself and sat beside me. “This just seemed easy to make for a quick meal.”

I nod, “Thank you.”

We started eating and it was a little quiet between us, but it seemed like I was more distracted in eating then continuing on with our conversation. I gave myself a second serving while Elliot went to wash the dishes and I would catch myself glancing over at him. I understood what Elliot meant when he said that I should try more to do things on my own, but it's just so hard being able to do that right now and being around people still makes me anxious. Having to take that step now seems terrifying. It's not that easy being able to go to the market or the mall, anywhere, because the crowd of the people surrounding me as they pass by gives me this claustrophobic feeling or a sense of being lost and not knowing how to get out. Just the thought was giving me anxiety right now, but I tried to ignore it as I started taking my bowl to the sink to wash it.

“I can do that.” Elliot offered.

“No, let me do it,” I said as I started washing it then put it in the dry rack once I was done.

“You want to watch a movie?” Elliot asked me as he stood beside me waiting.

I shook my head as I dried my hands before looking up at him and reached out to hold his hand. “If I work to get better, would you feel more at ease when you go to college?” I asked him.

“Yes, but it was also to make sure that you can be more at ease being able to do things on your own as well without worrying,” he answers.

I buried my face against his chest as I moved to hug him. “What am I supposed to do when I go visit my dad?” I asked.

“What is there to worry about?” he asked. “You go visit him and you enjoy that time with your family. Don’t be worried over him.”

“That’s not so simple. I’ll be scared that he’ll randomly show up or try to take me away or do something… What if he tries to hurt me again?” I said quietly enough that I know he can hear me. “I’ll only think about that every time I go.”

“Would it be easier to put a restraining order on him? That way you know that he’s not allowed near you?” he asked me.

I thought about this before shrugging my shoulder. “Will that even work?”

“Of course,” he said and he starts to lead me back to my room.

We went back to laying down on my bed since I didn’t feel like doing anything else and for a while, I thought Elliot was mad after our discussion, but a while later he pulled out his phone to go through it before putting videos for us to watch online. We watched until it was over then he gave me a turn to pick the next one, but I was actually curious about the videos he owned. I laughed at the photos he started to show me, him as a little kid, and he looked completely different compared to now. He let me take his phone, looking curiously through his photos, before pointing one out to him and turned to him.

“How did you get that cast?” I asked as I came across a picture of him with a cast on his leg.

“I fell down while playing with my cousins,” he said as he looked over at the photo. “We were skateboarding and I didn’t know how, but I wanted to look cool in front of them until that happened.”

I smiled as I changed the picture. “I never bothered with that,” I mumbled. “I probably would have broken a bone too.”

“It's fun when you're not falling.” He commented.

I smiled as I continued to go through the picture and came across a few of him with his friends while Elliot just stayed besides me looking over my shoulders watching. Elliot named out his friends and I remembered some faces from the volleyball team while the others I don’t remember seeing them at school. After I was done going through his phone, he asked about the photos I had on my phone. I hesitated as I pulled mine out my phone and I wasn’t sure what to show him.

“I don’t have a lot saved…” I said as I tried to remember what picture I do have.

My phone is still new by a couple of months and the only pictures I had were ones I took outside like street view or the mountain while on the drive when we were moving here; a few of my mom and I. There were a few pictures from my old school and a few class pictures that we took on my last day. Elliot was quiet as he was going through them and he would ask one or two questions about my old classmates or where the pictures were taken. He never asked why there weren't a lot of pictures and there weren't any pictures of myself in them.

I was quiet as he returned my phone to me and I looked at it, “Don’t ever show yourself to him…”

Elliot was confused for a second before realizing what I was saying. “Why?” he asked.

“I don’t want him to know about you if we ever see him again. I don’t want him to know anything about me.” I tell him.

Elliot sighed, “Alright. But I don’t think anything else will happen if you see Chris again.”

“Nothing will happen because that would be the last time we’ll ever see him,” I said as I grabbed his phone again and looked through his pictures.

Elliot looked at me as I tried to ignore him and he sighed quietly. “We both know that we don’t know that for sure,” he tells me. “If I go with you or not to visit your dad, there is a possible chance that Chris would randomly show up or you can see him in the streets.”

I didn’t say anything as I went through his playlist now and I didn’t want to think about it when Elliot reached out to pull the phone away.

“Michael. Are you listening to me?”

I sighed, “Why can’t we just drop it? I promised that I’ll do better so why do you keep saying his name? Why are you saying his name so casually? I don’t even like saying his name, let alone think about him. I’ll take your advice and I get that I could see him, but I don’t want to.”

“Because I’m trying to be realistic about this and you should as well,” he answered. “I’m not saying it like you’ll run into Chris right when you step out of those doors, but you might see him in the streets in a few weeks or months or next year. I just don’t want you to be scared.”

I took a deep breath and my voice came out a little rough, “I’ll always be scared. Whether I ever see him again or try to avoid him, he’ll always haunt me no matter what. It just makes it easier if we don’t acknowledge him by saying his name.”

“I’m sorry Michael, but it doesn’t work that way and I know you know that too,” he said, calmly.

I didn’t say anything as I stayed quiet for a while and I tried to take a breath. “Please, can we stop talking about it?” I asked.

Elliot sighed heavily, “Okay.”

He wrapped his arms around me again and he leaned over kissing my forehead as I stayed in his arms in silence for a while until I looked up at him leaning in to kiss him. He kissed me back as he leaned more over me as he had his hands cupping my face while I clutched his shirt and I can hear myself apologizing about the way I’ve been acting, the harsh words, while he continued to kiss my lips trying to shut me up. For a second, it felt like everything that happened, the hard words we said, went away and we were just comforting each other just wanting to get closer like this instead of fighting.

I suddenly pulled away to grab my phone hearing it rings, but Elliot didn’t stop as he hugged me while his hands were tickling my sides. I laughed pulling away from him so I could sit up and glanced at my phone seeing my mom’s name. I moved to sit on the other side of the bed, facing him, and he smiled as I answered the call.

“Hey mom,” I said.

“Hi, I’m just checking in on you and to let you know that I’m almost home now,” she said on the other end of the phone. “Do you want me to bring you dinner?”

“Um, Elliot is still here…” I said glancing over at him.

“So, pizza for everyone? I’ll see you two soon,” she said before hanging up.

I slowly put my phone down and Elliot reached out to pull me to sit beside him. “What did she say?” he asked.

“She’s going to bring pizza,” I said, turning to him. “You’ll still stay when she comes home, right?”

“Of course. I’m not just going to leave you alone right away,” he said as he reached out to hold my hand.

I nod as I looked at our hands before turning to him. “Elliot, I want you to come with me to visit my dad this coming weekend. I don’t want to go alone.” I tell him.

“I know,” he said as he looked at me, giving me a small smile. “Maybe it’ll be hot enough for us to go swim.”

I thought about this for a second, “Wait, isn’t that hangout with Jennifer this Friday?” I asked.

Elliot shrugged, “We can always skip it or we can leave to your dad’s on Saturday instead.”

“I don’t want to skip it since I was avoiding meeting them for a couple of days.” I said, thoughtfully.

“But that was different. You don’t have to go if you're not comfortable with them,” Elliot said as he sat up a bit. “We can always hang out with them some other time.”

“But they invited us… I haven’t hung out with friends for a while.” I mumbled.

“And me?” Elliot asked, smiling.

I glanced over at him, “You know what I mean…”

Elliot sighed, “I know, I know. I just don’t want you to feel pressured to hang out with them just to please them.”

I moved so I can face him and I couldn’t help but smile, “I’m not trying to please them. Are you more worried for me or yourself? Do you not go out with your friends? Have you ever gone to parties?”

“I have,” he said. “I just don’t always go to a lot of them. Don’t laugh at me because we both know you did more partying compared to me.”

I was smiling for a second as I laid back down then thought about his last comment while staring up at the ceiling. “I’m not laughing at you and it's not like I enjoyed those parties. Not with those types of people… You wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with them either.” I said, paused for a second thinking back on it. “I honestly didn’t mind them at first because they weren’t paying attention to me and they weren’t bugging me at first. That’s why I’m curious about Jennifer’s friends and I want to see how they hang out because they seem fun to be around with. I want to know how that feels too…”

Elliot watched me after it got quiet, “Go to prom with me.” he said.

I turned to him confused for a second at the change of subject, “What?”

“Go to prom with me. As a couple, out in the open.” He said. “Would you?”

I didn’t say anything at first before I nod, smiling, “Okay. I will, but prom isn’t for another two months.”

“I know, but I want to make sure that you’ll come with me,” he said as he kisses me. “I want to enjoy my last year of high school with you.”

“So, does that mean next year you’ll go to my prom?” I asked him. “Going to your prom would be the first time going to any sort of school dance; even though I don’t know how to dance.”

“You never went to any of the dances at your schools?” he asked me.

I shook my head, “I never thought much of them before and it wasn’t like I had someone to go with.”

“Then I’m glad that the first dance will be with me.” He said as he was about to kiss me again when we heard the door open again in the living room.

We waited for a second hearing my mom called for us and I turned back to him, “I don’t dance.”

Elliot about to respond back as I got up to make my way to the living room to greet my mom and Elliot started going on about how he’s going to show me to dance which caught my mother’s attention. I didn’t mind it much as Elliot explained to my mom while I grabbed plates to serve them and we spent the rest of the night together as my mom tried to give me dancing tips. Elliot told my mom what we did while she was away, except the part where we ran into Chris, and my mom tells us about her time on her business trip. In the end I told her my plans about seeing my friends before going over to my dad’s house over the weekend and for a second she was uncertain until she finally agreed.

Mom looked happy as she talked about her work and I decided that I’ll tell her later on about what happened while she was away and wait until she was free again. Elliot left after another hour after we finished eating and it looked like he didn’t want to leave me, but he promised to pick me up tomorrow in the morning when we go to school. I watched him drive off and I spent the rest of the evening with my mom then went to my room once it was late. I couldn’t help feeling alone, maybe because Elliot was with me for the past three day and he was with me after what happened in the pier; not leaving me alone while I had my panic attack. It felt nice having someone always around the house when I usually spent it alone and I wondered if it’s just my emotions just being sensitive again.

It took awhile for me to fall asleep and it didn’t take so long for me to wake up from a nightmare that I knew would still creep up to haunt me. I was awake by six in the morning with a headache and I didn’t bother going back to sleep. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling as I couldn’t help feel emotionally drained and for a second I wondered if Elliot would be awake if I called. No, I’m sure he was tired after dealing with me yesterday and would still be asleep. I got out of bed after wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt and began getting ready for the day just to help distract myself until I heard my mom coming out of her room to knock at my door.

“Honey, what are you doing up so early?” She asks me.

“Sorry. I couldn’t sleep.” I said as I opened the door for her.

“You don’t have to go to school for another hour or so,” she said as she looked at me. “You should sleep a little more, you look tired...”

I sighed, “I tried, but I thought I’ll just clean my room instead.”

“Alright. You don’t have to see me off. Just rest until you have to go to school.” she said as she gave me a kiss on the cheek before leaving my room.

After she left to work, my day felt like it was going slow like I couldn’t let my mind process through the day and I kept my distance from my friends again even when I tried not to push them away. Elliot joined us for lunch meeting Brian and Fernando, which it took awhile for them to get to know each other, and they were still bringing up the hangout on Friday. I almost forgot about it until Thursday came and in P.E I was walking around the track field with Luis while everyone else was playing at the basketball court.

“So, I’ll be seeing you tomorrow at the hangout?” I asked him.

“Maybe. I’m still debating about it,” he answered and wrapped his arms around my shoulders trying to pull me closer. “So, what’s been going on with you? You’ve been having this long-face look like you’ve been upset.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. It's like something is going on with you and you're not there sometimes; like you're thinking about something half the time,” he tells me. “I can tell something is bothering you.”

I glanced over at him, “You can?”

“Yup. Come on, I thought I’m one of your closest friends here; besides your boyfriend.” he said, giving me an encouraging smile.

I took a breath and smiled back. “You really are.” I mumbled as I looked down for a while trying to collect my thoughts. “Elliot and I were out this weekend when I ran into my ex… I guess I’ve just been so zoned out by it.”

Luis looked at me, “Are you okay now?”

I shrug my shoulders, “Not right now, but maybe I will later on. I haven’t told Elliot, but I’ve been having nightmares since then and I know it just won’t go away for a while.” I tell him.

“Is that why you always look sleepy? I thought you were still sick with your cold.” He said as we stopped walking and went to the bleachers to sit.

“No, my cold is gone,” I said as we sat down then I covered my face for a second before glancing over at Luis. “I’m just scared that I'll be depressed all over again… I promised Elliot that I’ll try harder and I want to as well, but the more we bring up the topic of therapy or these types of self-care the more I just feel hesitant. Being depressed is a different level than me being upset and it's terrifying to think that I can put myself further down then I feel now.”

“Maybe it’s because the more it's brought up about the whole therapy topic and no work there is putting into, it’ll feel like it’s just talk,” Luis said. “And that’s okay if that’s how it feels like right now because you know it can be a growing matter for your depression. I know depression is serious and I’m sure no one would want you to feel like that.”

I thought about this and looked over the football field seeing Elliot working out with his teammates. “I guess I’m just scared to do things on my own if all this were to end,” I said as I looked away and covered my face with my hand. “I don’t want to be on my own anymore. I can’t handle things alone like I used to.”

“And who said you’ll be alone? Even if Elliot leaves for college, you still have me and Jennifer. Her friends obviously care about you as well so there’s no reason for you to think that you’ll be alone.” Luis said as he reached a hang out having me look at him and gave me a soft smile. “We’re going out after school today and I’m not taking a no for an answer.”

I looked up at him, “What?” I asked.

“You heard me. We’re going out and you're coming along with me.” he said as he started to make his way back to the field and I followed.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“To the arcade.” He said as he waited for me to walk together to the locker room after hearing the bell ring.

“I don’t… I don’t know about that.” I hesitated.

“Oh, come on, it’ll be fine. We’re gonna relax, enjoy some games, and you can consider this as an exercise.” He said as he stopped walking to turn to me. “You said that you want to try hard and not be depressed so let’s go out. Let’s give it a try on helping you feel better and I’ll be there.”

“And Elliot? He always gives me a ride home…”

“So, invite him or don’t invite him. It’s up to you. Maybe it’ll be better if there are more people that could join us.” He said as he wrapped his arms around my shoulder again. “If you do this with me then I’ll come to the hangout tomorrow.”

I stared at him, “Are you trying to bribe me?”

He smiled, “Yeah, I am. Is it working?”

I sighed, “Alright.”

I gave in as we got ourselves ready then waited for Elliot outside the locker room to see what he’ll say about the plan and I wondered if he’ll disagree compared to our last visit when we went to the arcade. I wasn’t in the mood to be going out, honestly, but at the same time I know that Luis is doing this for my well being and maybe it could be fun going out with more friends like he said. I saw Elliot looking confused for a second as he walked over to us, but smiled kindly to Luis possibly knowing that we have plans.

“How are you, Luis?” he asked him.

“I’m good,” he answered then took a breath. “So, would you mind if I steal your boyfriend for the day, or do you want to be our third-wheel?”

I couldn’t help but smile at what he said before turning to Elliot, “Luis wants to take me to the arcade for a bit… Do you want to come?”

Elliot didn’t answer right away, “Well, I don’t mind coming along if you want me to or would you rather go alone with Luis?” he answered.

I looked at him knowing that he was leaving it up to me to decide and I smiled softly. “Um, I want you to come along. I think it’ll be fun if it was a group trip.”

Elliot smiled back, nodded, “Okay. Luis do you need a ride?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind,” he answered.

Elliot nodded as we started walking and it was a bit quiet between us as we made our way over to the car. It didn’t take long to arrive at the mall, I paused for a second looking at the building until Elliot walked over to me waiting until I was ready to go inside and Luis walked ahead of us. Elliot and I took our time making our way through to reach the escalator going to the second floor where the arcade area is at then Elliot had me wait with Luis as he got us playing cards to use for the machines. Luis was trying to distract me about which games we should try to compete in like skee ball or basketball when Elliot returned handing each of us the playing cards.

“I never played any of these games so you're most likely going to win them all,” I tell him.

“Well, you have me so I’m sure that I can make it even,” Elliot said as I looked at the card, seeing that we have to swipe it to start the game. I guess they don’t use tokens anymore. “So, the loser buys dinner.”

“Deal, but it’s still cheating since it's two-vs-one,” Luis said as he started walking over to the gaming area and Elliot stayed close beside me, following along.

I wanted to laugh at how silly they are to be competing as I followed along starting to play a few games and it was fun being able to join in with them. I obviously wasn’t winning many of the games but Elliot was better so he was able to make up the score points and Luis was complaining whenever he wins. We were playing basketball now and I tried to shoot the ball into the moving hoops, but I was feeling a little discouraged as I missed more of my shots then I hoped to score.

“I suck at this.”

“You're doing just fine,” Luis said as he grabbed a ball from my side and threw it to help.

“You just have to aim and bend your arm before throwing the ball,” Elliot said as he swiped his card to play another round then walked over to me. “Let me show you.”

Luis stepped aside and I was about to follow when Elliot grabbed my hand to pull me back as he handed me the ball.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“I’m going to show you.” He said again and moved me to be in front of him. “Okay, so you hold the ball like this…”

He started positioning me as I listened to how he wanted me to move and I glanced over at Luis feeling a little shy now. “I’m still going to miss…”

“That’s why you practice. You can do it.” Luis said as he started playing in the next booth beside us; maybe he can tell I was embarrassed having an audience.

“Okay, so now you just have to aim and shoot the ball when you think you're ready,” Elliot said as he stepped back. “Remember to bend your legs and throw the ball with your wrist.”

I sighed as I looked at the moving hoop before tossing the ball as Elliot showed me; it bounced on the ring before it slowly went in. “I did it!” I said.

“Awesome,” Elliot said, smiling as he hands me another ball. “You still have thirty seconds.”

“Oh,” I grabbed the ball and began to throw them before the timer ran out.

“Not bad, that’s double the score you were getting before,” Luis said as he scruffed my hair.

I smiled, “It’s still last compared to you guys, but I did it.”

Elliot smiles, reaching to hold my hand. “Let’s try some other games.”

“You only show him how to play one game and you're two are already acting all cutesy with each other,” Luis comments as he leads the way.

I blushed, glancing over at Elliot, “So, who's winning so far?” I asked.

“Us; obviously,” Elliot answered.

“Yeah, because I’m losing against two players,” Luis said as we stopped at a car racing game.

“Well, this might be our last game because it’s already past five and I can’t be out too late,” I said as I moved to take a seat.

“That’s fine. We’ll buy us food tomorrow if you want.” Luis said as he sat beside me.

“It’ll be you two on this game,” Elliot said standing beside me.

“Alright. Ready?” Luis asked as he slid his card to activate his side and I did the same on mine.

“Yeah,” I said after we agreed on a track and picked out the cars.

“3… 2… 1!” Elliot counted down as he watched the race start.

I pressed my lips together as I tried to focus and I honestly wasn’t so bad at it, “I’m reaching third place.” I said after finishing my second lapse.

“I’ll catch up,” Luis said as he was in fifth place and after finishing the final lap I won second place.

“I won!” I said as I stood up.

“Congratulations. Now, we have free dinner from Luis.” Elliot said.

“Alright. Time to head out before we add more to this bet.” Luis said as he started making his way out.

I smiled as I followed right behind him, “Yeah, let’s go.”

Elliot took Luis home first after we left the mall, I felt at ease during the car ride as we talked about our plans for tomorrow and it seemed like Luis will be joining us; we agreed on stopping by some restaurant first before going over to meet the others tomorrow. Luis got out of the car when we arrived at his house and I raised a hand out to stop him before leaving. He waited as he came to my window and looked at me curiously.

“Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for suggesting this and trying to help me out. I think you were right and we should all go in a group more often… I had a lot of fun.” I tell him.

Luis nods, “Yeah, we should do this again again and your boyfriend isn’t that bad.”

I couldn't help but smile, “I know.” I said.

I watched as Luis walked away and waited for a second before turning to Elliot.

“Ready?” Elliot asked before he started driving.

“Yeah,” I replied.

He started driving towards my house now and we were quiet for a while until I turned to face him when he pulled up to my house.

“Thank you,” I tell him.

“For what?” he asks.

“For coming along… For being able to be patient with me because I know I haven’t been feeling well since we ran into Chris.” I said.

“It's okay. It seems like today made it better for you,” he tells me.

I nod, “It did... I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I leaned over to kiss him then made my way inside the house dropping my backpack on the floor when I went to my room then moved to lay down already feeling tired. I was able to go to sleep after a while, I’ve been losing some sleep from the nightmares, and I spent my evening with my mom talking about my plans for the weekend. The next day after school, we started driving off to fast-food places that Luis promised to buy for us and Elliot wasn’t too thrilled to go to the hangout, but knowing that Luis will be joining us seemed to ease his mind. We ate in the car only because we weren’t too sure when to head over to Fernando’s house and we waited for a message from Jennifer to see when she’ll be heading over.

“So, I was thinking, can Monday we try practicing again?” I asked them. “On playing volleyball.”

Elliot turned to me, “If you want to. I’m free that day.”

“What did you want to do?” Luis asked.

I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t know. Basic training or just showing me how to play? The whole exercise therapy isn't a bad idea to do.”

“Alright. We can do that and we can even see if anyone else in the team would help show you how to play a match-game.” Luis said.

I nod, “Okay, but if you're going to try and have me play a game, go easy on me.”

Elliot smiled over to me as he started collecting the food wrapping after we finished eating then stepped out to throw it away. “We should probably head out now.” he said after returning to his car.

“Alright. Jennifer just sent me the address.” I said as I showed the message to Elliot so he knows the direction.

“What time do you guys want to head out later? It’s barely four.” Elliot asked us.

“I say maybe eleven the latest? Or whenever you guys want to go? I don't know how long everyone else is going to stay or when you’ll.” I said and glanced over at Luis. “You have a curfew?”

“Not really? I’m used to being out late on the weekends so it doesn’t matter to me if you want to leave early or wait until then.” Luis answered.

“We can go whenever you want to as well,” Elliot said, turning to me.

I nod as I slowly started shaking my leg, starting to feel a little nervous. “It’s fine. I’ll let you know if I want to leave early.”

Elliot parked the car two houses down and I followed right beside him walking up to the house then followed the instruction on my phone to walk towards the backyard by cutting through the driveway. I know they aren’t the types of people I used to hang out with before, but there was still that fear coming out to these people and this was my first time meeting up with a large group of friends in years so I can’t tell I was also feeling excited or shy. Elliot walked beside me as we walked over to the group once they saw us and I saw Luis waving at Jennifer.

“Hey, you guys made it!” she said, smiling.

“Who else is here?” I asked.

“Everyone is here. I just got here with Alex.” She told me as she led us to a long table and I noticed the pool beside where everyone was sitting.

“Cool,” Luis said as he saw the pool.

I took a small breath and turned to everyone, “Hey.”

We all started greeting each other while grabbing empty chairs to sit in and Karen came over handing up sodas; the table was already covered in snacks. Luis sat across from me; he looked a little shy since he still doesn't know everyone so well compared to us. For a while, we were having light conversations as they talked about school and their plans for the weekend. I tried to not be so nervous as I sat there listening and I couldn’t help being a little fidget because I felt like I didn’t know how to engage in the conversation or if I had to do something. Elliot reached out to hold my hand under the table and I turned to him before smiling softly showing that I’m okay.

“So, Elliot, you're older than us right?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, just a year,” Elliot answered as he turned to him.

“I’m sure you have other plans besides coming here,” Fernando said as he moved to grab a drink from the cooler. “You know, all those senior parties and going out to find those frat parties to sneak into.”

Elliot shrugs his shoulders, “I never cared too much about all that.” He answered. “I guess I never was the type to go out partying like that and I didn’t find it so important.”

“Oh come on, these are the times to go get wasted and make sure your senior year is the highlight of your life,” Brian said as Fernando came back with a few beer cans and placed them in the middle of the table.

“You don’t have to drink them if you don’t want to,” Fernando tells us, but it seemed like he was saying it to me.

Elliot reached out to grab a can and I didn’t want to drink; I haven’t drank since that last house-party I went to with Chris and Ceasar.

“So, Michael, what made you change schools?” Karen asked. “I don’t think we’ve ever asked.”

“We did.” Brain cut in. “He already told us.”

I turned to him before looking at everyone else. “My mom received a job promotion and had to transfer to a different company building,” I answered as I drank from the soda can that they gave me.

“I would hate changing schools during the end of the semester or in general,” Karen said as she turned to Jennifer. “I mean, we are always together so who am I going to hang out with if I left?”

“It’s not that big of a deal for me. I wasn't close with anyone there.” I said and took a small breath. “I’ve transferred a few times before.”

“Oh, what were the other reasons before?” Fernando asked, curiously.

I saw Elliot glance over at me and I shrugged my shoulders, “I didn’t like it there.”

“Well, fair reason.” Luis said, cutting in to help end the conversation on me.

The rest of the night went by so fast that I didn't notice the time because we were starting to play card games and I decided to finally open the beer can that was in front of me. I knew that I maybe shouldn't be drinking and Elliot seemed cautious when Brian handed me a new can once I was done with the first one, but I needed the drink to help calm my nerves. I wanted to be able to show that I was comfortable around them while Jennifer and her friends decided to go in the pool while the rest of us stayed at the table hearing the guys trying to prove who can win in a wrestling match. I moved a chair closer to Elliot as they took turns trying to fight with each other. It was a bit funny watching them, but I think it’s my low alcohol tolerance that could just be finding this amusing and I could be a little drunk now that I feel my face a little warm.

“How are you doing?” Elliot asked me.

“Alright,” I answered.

“I didn’t think you'd drink.” He commented as he saw the can in my hand.

“I didn't either,” I answered, glancing down at the can. “I was nervous so I couldn’t help myself and took this one because he offered it to me.”

“It’s fine, but you shouldn’t push yourself to drink if you don’t want to.” He said as he turned to face me. “I forget that you’ve drank before, but that’s been a while and you can get drunk very easily.”

I took a deep breath as I watched the guys wrestle each other. “I wasn’t planning to get drunk,” I told him then I glanced over at the pool. “We should go swimming by the end of this year.”

“We’ll do it at your dad's if you want.” He said, glancing over as Jennifer stepped out of the pool and walked over towards us.

“You guys, you can't just waste the whole night fighting. If one of you gets hurt, it won’t be our fault.” She tells them as she reaches for a towel that was left on one of the empty chairs.

Karen was following behind her, shivering, and quickly grabbed a towel as well. “It’s so cold. I should have stayed in the pool.” She said.

I watched them before I got up, putting the can on the table, as I quietly made my way to the pool's end seeing it empty now; Alex got out seeing that she was by herself. I looked down seeing my reflection and I started to wonder a few things as I bent down reaching a hand out to touch the water. Today has been the first time that I was able to hang out with friends and they weren’t being hostile with me; it's just a regular hang out. I can tell that the guys still weren’t used to us being around them, but they tried to get to know us more and it felt like maybe they will be more welcoming as time goes on until the end of the school year. It was refreshing having to feel the cool water and I was about to go back when I heard them calling my name.

“Jump, Michael!” I hear Fernando yelling.

“Yeah, go for it Michael!” Brian encourages.

“Grab his phone so he won’t get it wet,” Luis tells Elliot.

“He’s not going to jump in,” Elliot replies as he gets up to walk over to me. “Right?”

“Jump! Jump!” Karen started joining in.

“It’ll be fine,” I said as I stood up to hand Elliot my phone and wallet.

“Michael, you’re a little drunk. You don’t have to show off to them.” Elliot whispers to me as he grabs my arm. “Besides you said that you can’t swim.”

“It’ll be fine. I just want to go in fast and I’ll make sure that I don’t go in the deep side. I just have to float up, right?” I said as I took off my shoes. “And I’m not showing off.”

“Michael,” Elliot said, frowning, but watched as I took a step towards the pool.

I took a glance back seeing everyone watching me before taking a small jump going into the water and I could hear them cheering behind me until I was under water that the sound muffle as I was sinking towards the bottom of the pool. It felt like I was on a cloud floating at ease as if the heavy feeling in my body made me weightless and I saw the surface sparkling from the moonlight above me. Maybe I am a bit drunk that this was making me feel so relaxed that I can fall asleep here and it’s like I’m floating away as if time has frozen the longer I stay. For a second I remembered this relaxing feeling, like I’m drifting away, when suddenly I felt a tug on my arm pulling me away from this ease feeling and I gasped once I reached the surface suddenly having an arm wrapped around me trying to pull me towards the steps of the pool.

“Oh my god, Michael. Are you okay?” I heard someone say.

“What was that...” Someone else said.

“Dude, I thought he drowned… that fucking scared me.”

I coughed a few times as I could finally stand up and walked to the side trying to catch my breath while someone started patting my back. I didn’t think I lost my breath during that time I was underwater and I wondered how long I was down there for everyone to be worried. I looked around me and noticed that it was Elliot behind me soaked from jumping in to pull me out of the water. He tugged on my shirt as he led me to the steps and I was shivering as I felt the cold air against my wet clothes.

“What happened?” I asked, confused.

“We saw you jumped in and we didn’t think much of it at first, but you never came up.” I can hear Jennifer say.

“We waited, but when we noticed you weren’t coming up Elliot jumped in to get you,” Luis explained.

“I told you to not jump on.” Elliot said as he was still breathing hard.

“I was fine,” I told him.

“Then why didn’t you come up?” He asked with a look of panic.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” I said as I looked at him before looking at everyone. “I really didn’t… I’m sorry.”

Luis sighed before turning to everyone, “He seems fine. Let’s give them some space.” he tells them.

Everyone fell silent as they slowly started to move away until it was just Luis. “Maybe we should leave once you guys are ready.” He tells us.

I nod as I watched him leave before turning to Elliot. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was fine and I was just caught up at the moment that I didn’t think much when I was in the water.” I tell him.

Elliot looked at me for a second as if he wasn’t certain to believe my words. “You shouldn’t have jumped in to begin with. You don’t know how to swim and you were drinking. I thought for a second that you were drowning and that terrified me.”

“No… no, it wasn’t like that,” I said realizing why he looked frightened. “I wasn’t drowning… It wasn’t like I was trying to drown myself or anything like that.”

He reached out to grab my arm to make sure that I was being serious, “Are you sure? You promised you'd tell me when you are feeling depressed,” he tells me.”If you didn't know how to swim was an excuse then I’d thought you threw yourself in to drown after seeing how long you were under.”

“No, I promise. I just got into the moment when I was underneath the water and I just wasn’t thinking much about it. I didn't know I was down there for so long,” I told him as he let go of me when Luis came over to hand us each a towel.

“Thanks,” Elliot said, taking them both and putting one of the towels over my head.