Chapter 11

Elliot reached out to hold my hand and we were quiet for a few minutes after I told him the story.

“Honestly, I don’t know if it’ll be that easy to find him either way. He moved during the summer so it's not like he’ll be living in the same home or even in the city.” I said with a sigh.

“Well, if you ever want to go and act like detectives to look for him then I’ll go with you.” He offered. “I want to meet this friend of yours.”

I glanced over at him before nodding my head. “If he wants to meet us too...”

Elliot gave me this supporting smile as he looked over at me and I thought about the possibility of finding Caesar, but I don’t want to get my hope up.

“So then, I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah,” I said as I finally reached for my backpack.

“You’ll be alright?” He asked.

I nod, “Yeah. Text me when you make it home?”

“I will.” He said as he watched me get out of the car.

I started to make my way towards the door when I heard a car door open and I turned around to see Elliot walking over to me.

“Hold on.” He calls me.

“What? Did I forget something?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He said as he came up to me and he leaned over to kiss me.

I was surprised, but I honestly felt so warm, comforting, as he wrapped his arms around me pulling me to a hug and after a long minute or two he finally let go of me. He smiled softly at me as I held on to him a second longer before letting him go so he could return to his car and I went inside after. I finally heard his car driving away and making my way to my room to lay down on my bed. I stared at the ceiling for a while until I finally decided to work on my homework when I received a text from Elliot. We started messaging each other through the evening between my studies until I heard the front door open and I got up to see my mom putting her bags down by the couch.

“Hey, mom,” I said.

She turned to me, “Shouldn’t you be going to bed soon?”

“I am after I shower. I got busy with homework.” I said and looked at my phone when I heard the text alert.

She smiled, “Homework?”

I turned back to her and blushed. “Somewhat,” I mumbled.

“Well, let’s give your homework a break and come sit with me,” she said as she moves to sit on the couch.

A bit confused, I walked over to sit beside her and set my phone aside. “Is everything okay?” I asked her.

“I think we might have to change the arrangements with your dad to this weekend instead of next week,” she said with a heavy sigh.

“Why?”

“They asked me to do a trip for work and I’ll be gone over the weekend. I don’t want you to be home alone so I thought you should just stay with your dad this weekend instead,” she tells me as she sat back and looked over at me. “I hope that's okay.”

I thought about it before shrugging my shoulders. “I guess so… I mean, if you prefer it that way then I’ll go.”

"Thank you." She reached out to run her fingers through my hair and smiled softly. “Now I feel like you're growing up so fast. How did that happen?”

I rolled my eyes. “Mom…” I said I got up and started making my way back to my room. “Good night.”

I can hear her giggling to herself. “Good night,” she answered back.

I went back to my room, deciding to get myself ready for bed, and by morning after getting myself ready for school I was waiting for Elliot. I thought about the change of plans for the weekend and the idea of going back home to visit which was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I know my mom enjoyed her new work and I wasn’t going to tell her not to go. I yawned after seeing Elliot pulling up and I wanted to change my mood hoping that I wouldn’t show my distress.

“Hey, morning,” Elliot said after I got inside his car.

“Morning…” I answered.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he started driving.

“Um, my mom told me last night that she’s going to be gone for the weekend for work…” I tell him.

“Hmm, so you want to wait on me coming over to your dad’s?” he asked.

“I guess so,” I answered.

“You don’t sound too thrilled about going over…” he commented.

“It's not just that… Just the talk from yesterday still kind of bothers me… I don’t want to go just yet.” I told him as I looked down fidgeting with my fingers trying to distract myself.

“Then don’t. Just stay home,” he tells me.

“I don’t think my mom wants me to be home alone… I haven’t been left alone like that since I was released from the hospital. Since I was harming myself and depressed, she made sure that I wasn’t alone for a long period of time, but she’s still worried now so I don’t want to make her uncomfortable if I stay home alone.” I said as I tugged a little at the rubber band around my wrist.

Elliot looked over at me for a second before reaching a hand out to grab mine and held it. “So, you just have to deal with going to your dad…”.

I nod, and I didn’t know what to say.

“How about you spend the night at my house?”

“No,” I answered and I realized that I answered a little too quickly so I cleared my throat. “No, it's okay. I don’t want to be a bother.”

Elliot parked the car and we sat there quietly for a long minute. “You’re not a bother… But you know, Michael, I won’t do anything that you don’t want me to do. I didn’t mean it like that when I asked.”

I hesitated after hearing his words and turned away. “I’ve heard those words before...”

Elliot took a deep breath before shaking his head, “No, I mean it. I’m not going to do anything. I swear.”

I blushed covering my face with my hand for a second before turning to him. “I know… I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t. I’m just not comfortable going to someone’s home for now and I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep so easily either…”

“Alright. I understand,” he said and he waited until I was ready to get out of the car.

He walked with me to the building and once we were close to the door to our classroom he turned to me. “Are you okay to still meet Jennifer’s friends during lunch?”

I paused for a second before shrugging my shoulders. “I haven’t prepared myself for that yet.”

“We can always meet them another day if you don’t want to,” he said.

I shrug my shoulders and I glanced over at him. “I’ll think about it,” I said and made my way inside before he reached out to grab my hand to stop me.

“Michael,” he called me. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in the car or upset you remembering things that hurt.”

I looked down and saw he kept holding my hand so I slowly let go before turning to him. “I know. It’s not your fault.”

“Okay, but I feel like you think it's your fault as well when it's not. I can tell your thinking about it and it bothers you,” he said.

I didn’t know how to respond to him and I looked down as I nodded my head. Elliot looked at me as he wanted to hear a response from me so I took a small breath.

“Yeah, it bothers me because I never got over everything that happened and it's not always that simple just trying to forget it all,” I said before turning to look at him. “I know you won’t do anything if I was to sleepover. You’ve been at my house twice already so you already proved that…”

“Then is there something else that bothers you?” he asked.

I didn’t say anything for a second before feeling embarrassed at the words that I’m about to say.

“When you offered me to spend the night… I realized that I’m not ready for us to do more than what we’ve already done.” I tell him.

“Wait. I never mention anything like that though...” he said quickly after hearing my explanation.

I felt my face glow red as I said, “But you’re going to end up frustrated with me later on because I’m not going to be ready for any sort of intimacy. I honestly don’t think I can do it at all and some day you will get tired of waiting, but that would end up hurting our relationship.”

Elliot's face turned red as well and he shook his head. “Hold on. Hold on,” he said waving his hands like he’s calling for times out. “How did we even come to this topic? We’re barely starting a relationship, Michael. I haven’t even thought about sex or anything like that because I thought we both aren’t ready for that and we’re still trying to be comfortable with each other. When I invited you over to my house, it wasn’t so we can have sex.”

My face still felt warm and I shrugged my shoulders. “Isn’t that how it’ll be though? Isn’t having a relationship is all about intimacy or it’ll be nothing?”

For once I saw Elliot flustered as he figured out what to say when the first bell rang and he took a deep breath knowing that class is about to start.

“We’re going to have to talk about this later, but it's not all about that,” he said. “I’m not going to be annoyed by something like that. I won’t do it until you say it’s okay and when you say no, then it's a no.”

“You’ll get tired of waiting…” I mumbled.

Elliot opened his mouth about to say something when the final bell rang and that meant class was starting. He looked at the door for a second like he didn’t want us to go in, but he sighed heavily as he put his head on my shoulder and I stood there feeling a little upset at myself for continuing this conversation or bringing it up at all. I know he was right on a few things, but how things went for me, wouldn’t it be normal to think this way? Doesn’t that happen a lot in a relationship where it’s expected to want more kinds of affection?

“Let’s go inside,” he said as he reached out for my hand to lead me, but I took a step back and he frowned. “Michael…”

I couldn’t look at him. “It's fine.”

I moved around him and made my way inside, not looking at anyone in the room as I walked to my desk. Jennifer turned to me about to say something, but I didn’t look at her or even listened if she talked to me. I can still feel my face warm and I’m sure I’m just still embarrassed about the conversation we had. I tried to only focus on my work and just wanted to be alone. During class, I only focused on my work and I didn't bother to look around me so once the bell rang I got up to make my way out of the class.

“Michael, wait,” Elliot called out.

I slowed my walk as I kept my head down. “I’m sorry I said all that…”

“But, what brought all this?”

I opened my mouth before I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. We’re going to be late for class…”

Elliot sighed, “Okay. But we still need to talk about it, okay?”

“Okay,” I said and I started walking away from him.

During class, I just kept to myself as usual and I think I was getting nervous because I kept playing with the rubber band on my wrist. I had to stop fidgeting because I think I saw someone glance over at me so I just put my head down and tried to work on the worksheet that was handed out. By the time the bell rang for lunch, I was already feeling sick, but I don’t think it was my nerves and more like a fever sickness. I made my way out to the hall heading towards the library where I’ll be waiting for Elliot and we started making our way out of the building area, but he pulled me to the football field. We started walking around the track quietly as I tried to ignore the small headache that I’m starting to have and figure out what I wanted to say to him hoping to clear the things I said.

“Michael, don’t be upset,” Elliot said after the long silence and he reached for my arm to stop me from walking. “Please.”

I couldn’t say anything so he continued.

“If you're embarrassed about what you said then don’t be because it’s good to just say it forward if that was something you were worried about,” he said. “I’m not going to dump you just because of that or if you think I’ll be sexually frustrated or whatever.”

I still didn’t say anything as I looked down and I sighed, “I know…”

“Sounds like there’s a 'but' after that…” he said.

I shook my head.

He still looked at me before reaching out to wrap his arms around me pulling me to a hug. “Why does it feel like you don’t believe me,”

I shook my head, “No, I do.” I said as I hugged him back.

Elliot glanced down at me. “Mind if I stay a bit at your house after school?”

I shook my head. “No, not today.”

“Why?”

I glanced up at him before looking away. “I just want to be alone.”

“But I don’t want you to.” he retorts.

“I’m not going to do anything,” I said.

“I wasn’t thinking that. I just don’t want you to be alone,” he tells me.

“Um, then, maybe.”

I started walking away after letting go of him, taking a deep breath, and saw Elliot following right beside me. He didn’t say anything else and I think for now he just wants to wait to talk more later since lunch is almost over. We didn’t eat and I wasn’t feeling hungry so I just started making my way to my classroom once the bell rang and again I didn’t bother too much during class as I still didn’t feel well. The only time I did talk was when Alex and I discussed our group assignment, but I couldn’t focus and my stomach was starting to hurt.

I sat there quietly for the rest of the class and I kept checking the time just waiting for class to be over. I sighed after the bell rang and we made our way to the gymnasium building to change for our final period. I saw Elliot walking over to me as I was changing my shirt instead of meeting me outside and waited beside my locker until I was ready to make our way outside. We were quiet and I can already tell that Elliot wanted to say something but I didn’t want to continue the conversation. I wasn’t ready to listen.

“I’ll see you later,” I told him as I turned to walk to my class after we made our way to the football field.

After the roll call, we all went to the basketball court and I was sitting near the hoop when I noticed Jennifer walking over with her friends. I knew they were curious about me not showing up during lunch and I knew I didn’t have a good excuse to give. They moved to sit with me and I felt chills going through my arms and back. I honestly just want to go home now and just lay in bed. How did I get sick?

“Hey, what happened during lunch?” Jennifer asked me.

“Um, sorry, I wasn’t feeling well,” I told her as I looked down.

“It’s okay. We were just concerned since you never showed up.” Alex said.

“You actually look sick, Michael,” Karen added. “Maybe you should take something once you get home.”

I opened my mouth to say something before I closed it and nodded. “Thanks... Um, I’ll be back, you guys,” I mumbled and started walking away from them.

I can’t do it, I tell myself. I can’t.

I walked over to the teacher to excuse myself from joining and start making my way to the restroom. I was thankful that there was no one inside as I walked to the largest stall and leaned over the toilet having a tight feeling on my throat like I wanted to vomit but nothing came out. I felt my hands starting to shake a little as I tried to breathe and I knew this panic feeling was coming, but it took awhile for me to notice this episode while I was distracted from being sick. I closed my eyes as I tried to take a slow breath but the tight feeling in my throat wasn’t helping and I leaned over the toilet as I actually tried to make myself vomit for a couple of minutes.

I was so distracted that I could barely hear my name being called and I covered my face.

“Leave me alone,” I tell Elliot.

“Let me in.” He said knocking at the door.

“No… not right now,” I tell him between tears.

“Michael, please.” He called out. “If you don’t let me in, I'm going to crawl under the door.”

I glanced at the door before looking away. “Why can’t you just leave me alone. Just this once.” I yelled as I felt my voices raised for a second.

Elliot didn’t answer back before I heard a sigh. “Because I can’t… I just want to help.”

“I don’t want your help. I don’t want anything. I don’t want to go stay at your house; I don’t want you to stay at my house; I don’t want to go to my dad’s.” I said, my voice rising. “Why can’t it just stop? Over and over and over and it just won’t go away. I’m twisted with these thoughts knowing that you're trying to help, but I still have a hard time wanting to trust and put in that faith that you want from me.”

“Michael, just breathe.” He said as he shook the door to see if I unlocked it.

I covered my ears. “I know you meant well about inviting me over, but just remember that I can’t do that and I need to take steps to be comfortable. Having you spend the night was risky for me and you understand why. You don’t understand how it feels to be taken advantage of and when being asked to enter a home is like trying to trap me in there.” I continued cutting him off. “That’s why I said my room is my safe zone.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I never realized this was what you meant when you were nervous about me coming to your house the first time.” He replied. “But remember that I would never do that to you. Never.”

I lean against the wall and try to take a deep breath as I stay quiet as I thought about the things he said.

“Michael…?” Elliot called and I glanced over at the door.

Elliot tried to look over as he bent down under the door but I unlocked the door for him before he could try to crawl inside and came over to me to wrap his arms around me. I just rested my head against his chest and tried to calm myself before I said anything else. I took a deep breath as I still felt unwell and my headache from early has gotten a little worse, but it was nice having his arm holding me while I’m trying to collect my thoughts.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I don’t know why I’m like this….” I mumbled. “And then to say all that to you…”

Elliot reached out to hold my hand and felt my other hand before reaching out to touch my forehead. “You have a fever.”

I stood there quietly; I’m too worn out to care. “I know.”

“You knew and you didn’t say anything?”

“It doesn’t matter right now. I’ve been trying to ignore that all day.”

“All day? Since when have you been feeling sick?” He asks me.

“Maybe second period, but that’s besides the point.” I started but he cut me off.

“I didn’t mean for my words to sound like I had attention for us to do something and for things to be stressing you. I know how important it is for you to take our relationship slow and I thought that we’ll do anything sexual until you are comfortable to take that step if we ever want to go that far.”

I closed my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him and continued to cover my face against his chest. “I’m sorry too if I jumped into conclusion. I know there was no reason for me to think of something like that.”

“I’m sorry about the invitation to my home, but you have to decide what to do about this weekend. Where else can you go?” He said as he continued to pat my back to calm me. “You should tell your mom how you feel…”

“No, I don’t want to ruin things for her. I don’t want her to worry…” I said, took a deep breath.

“Okay, let’s stop thinking about it for just a second,” Elliot said as he had me face him. “You’re going to make yourself sicker.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.

Elliot grabbed my face as I tried to look away. “It does. Listen to me: it's okay if you tell your mom how you feel because she rather knows about it then letting yourself suffer and be uncomfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable going to your dad or staying at my house then maybe go with your mom on her business trip. You can always work something out with her. Don’t let yourself hesitate.”

“I’ll be in the way.” I retort. “I’m barely handling things now, but for me to go somewhere and be alone for countless hours doesn’t sound like it’ll work out. I don’t think I want to do that either.”

“And I’m sure you’ll be fine. You need to be more comfortable with yourself when you need to travel or go somewhere out of the city. I’m sure if you try hard that you can handle it.” he tells me.

“I don’t want to hear that right now. I don’t want you to say things, like assuming that I can do things when I know my limits.” I tell him.

“Okay. It's fine,” he said and we were quiet for a while until he took a glance out the door. “We should go to change. I think the bell already rang.”

“No, not yet.”

“Okay…” He said as he looked at me before looking down for a second.

“I listened to everything you say, I do, but it just doesn’t always make sense to me sometimes because I somehow think that what you say could be wrong or that it doesn’t feel right. If I want to do something, it's just going to end worse for me in the end like it always does so there. ” I told him and stepped away to the sink to wash my face.

“It hasn’t been like that,” Elliot said as he stood beside me. “And if something does happen, it doesn’t mean that it's your fault. It only means that it just wasn’t meant to happen at that time.”

I turned away from him as I couldn’t bring myself to respond back and I rubbed my forehead still feeling the headache. “I don’t think I want to hear this right now. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you how I’ve been feeling.”

“Okay and I’ll say this last thing… If you're ever afraid that I ever expect things from you again then you're thinking of the wrong guy because that’s not me.” He tells me as he grabs my arm to make sure that I was listening.

I sighed heavily and nodded. “I understand. I never meant to assume things like that from you... I want to go now.”

Elliot was about to reach his hand out, but he stopped. “Okay, I’ll take you home.”

We walked out of the restroom and made our way back to the locker room noticing that school was over. Elliot was first to meet me after he finished changing and we walked to his car in silence; even the drive was silent. When arriving at my house Elliot wanted to follow with me inside and I tried to explain to him that I was going to sleep once inside but he was so persistent that I let him in. As I unlocked the door, I saw him following beside me as he glanced around seeing an empty house and I put my backpack down on the couch.

“Your mom is not home?” he asked.

“No, she’s still working. She usually comes home around six or so, depending when they let her go.” I said as I made my way to the kitchen to take something for my cold then turned to him. “I am going to sleep. You should go home now and I’ll just call you once I wake up.”

“No, I’ll just wait for a while to make sure your cold doesn’t get worse,” he said as he was watching me.

I nod as I made my way to my room laying down on my bed and closed my eyes feeling comfortable now that I’m home. “If you go home while I’m asleep, make sure the door is locked.”

“I will. You should sleep underneath the covers.” Elliot pointed out as I can hear him moving around my room then there was a blanket over me.

I just wanted to sleep so what I’m feeling now can just go away and I can forget everything that I said for a while. I can hear him moving around as I tried to ignore him and focused on my breathing, finally able to fall asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep, but when I opened my eyes I could see Elliot sitting on the floor beside me as he was maybe doing homework or on his phone and I closed my eyes falling asleep again. I woke up a second time and I looked around the room to see Elliot was gone. I rubbed my face still feeling tired and saw that it was past six-thirty. I was about to walk to the living room to see if my mom was home when I saw my mom talking with Elliot as they’re sitting together at the dining table.

“I don’t understand. He said he was fine.” She said.

“He’s just still adjusting with everything going on and trying to make show that he’s better, but he’s going to continue having these depressions or mood behaviors.” Elliot tried to explain. “I know he’s trying, but I’m just worried that he’s trying too hard to make himself believe that he’s healed and backlash at himself when something doesn’t go right. He puts himself down when that happens.”

My mom sighed. “And I’m worried about that too. I’m just going to cancel my trip for the weekend… I didn’t think it'd affect him that much.”

I looked down feeling upset at myself and I took a step back retreating to my room not wanting to hear more when I paused after hearing Elliot’s voice.

“No, don’t do that. He doesn’t want that.” Elliot cut in. “Let me see what he wants to do first.”

“But you said he doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere,” she said. “If it were anything, I know he feels safer here because it's the only place he’s felt safe compared to anywhere else, but I can’t just leave him by himself.”

Elliot was quiet for a second, “If he and you are comfortable with the idea, would you not mind me staying with him?”

I wanted to look over curious to see my mother's expression before completely turning away to walk back to my room not wanting to hear any more of their conversation. I already know how the conversation would end and I just don’t want to hear anymore of it. I laid down on my bed, closing my eyes trying to sleep again, but I think I was distracted wondering how the conversation even started or how it concluded. After some time I heard the door open and I opened my eyes to see Elliot walking in.

“Hey,” he said as he sat on the edge of my bed. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No,” I mumbled as I looked at him.

“Are you hungry? You didn’t eat lunch and you slept for a good couple of hours,” he tells me.

“No, I’m fine,” I answered.

“Are you sure? Your mom is home and she said she can make you soup if you want.” He said reaching out to touch my forehead. “You had a small fever so you should be careful or it’ll come back again.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off.” I said as I closed my eyes again.

“Michael,” Elliot said as he moved a little closer. “Listen, it's okay if you want a bit of space after what we talked about today and everything that you were worried about. Just know that I’m not expecting anything when we hang out or go out on dates. Yes we are a couple, but sex or anything sexual is something that we’re not going to rush into.”

I listened before opening my eyes pulling the covers over my face. “Okay. I’m just still embarrassed about it all… I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll pick you up in the morning.”

“No, at school. I’m going to walk it in the morning.”

“Michael.”

“Please, just let me be alone for a bit. I think we had said a lot and I know it was my fault for bringing them up and making it a bit more commotion then it has to be.” I said, turning to him. “And I don’t want it to feel like I need a babysitter when it comes to the situation with my moms trip either.”

“I’m not trying to be.”

I sighed as I turned away from him and I just didn’t want to talk anymore seeing that he wasn’t going to mention that he was secretly talking to my mom. I waited for him to get up and leave, but I felt my bed move and I opened my eyes to see him lay down beside me on the edge of the bed.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing. Go to sleep if that’s what you're trying to do and I’ll go home right after,” he tells me he wraps his arm around me. “And I’ll wait for you in front of the school tomorrow, okay?”

I looked at him hoping that I wasn’t being harsh and closed my eyes as I rested my head against him. “Fine,” I mumbled.

Elliot didn’t say anymore as we laid there quietly now and didn’t think I would go to sleep right away. I might have dozed off because when I opened my eyes he wasn’t there any more and I checked the time and it was past eight. I took my time to get out of bed and met my mom when I stepped out of my room deciding that I’ll try to eat. She served me soup, like Elliot said she made, and we ate together in the dining area while she checked to see my temperature. I honestly felt better compared to earlier in the day and I wasn’t having any more body aches or cold chills.

I was able to finish eating and I made my way back to my room to try to do my homework since I hadn't started on it after sleeping the whole evening. My mom made sure I wasn’t up late before she went to bed and after a long shower I went to bed myself almost near eleven in the evening. By morning, I sighed as I slowly got up getting myself ready for school and once I was done I went to the living room to see my mom in the kitchen. She looked up when she saw me then gave me a small smile as she was preparing herself something to eat.

“Morning,” she said.

“Morning,” I respond back as I look for my backpack.

“Do you want breakfast? I can make you eggs or pancakes?” she asked me.

“No, I’m not hungry,” I tell her as I pick up my back and go through to see what I don't need inside it.

“Honey, you didn’t eat so much last night. You must be a little hungry.” she said.

“I’ll stop by a market on my way,” I tell her as I put my backpack on. “I was already planning to leave a little early, but don’t worry I feel better now.”

“Michael, wait,” she said following me to the door.

“Mom, I’m fine,” I said turning to her.

“I just want to say that I love you,” she said as she reached out to kiss me on the cheeks.

I took a deep breath and nodded, “I love you too.”