Chapter 12

Making my way to school, I took my time walking and I wasn’t in a rush to start my day, but I knew that I had to get through by taking on everything that from my moms business trip to the conversation I started with Elliot. Elliot was waiting at the front building as he said and we both walked together to our classroom. It was quiet between us, but I’m sure Elliot was being cautious around me or maybe he just wasn’t too sure what to say after our many discussions from yesterday. I still wasn’t feeling well enough to continue the conversation honestly, but I don’t think there was more to discuss besides the conversation of what my mom would do this weekend.

During lunch, I spent my time in the library and during gym class I kept myself distracted as I’m walking around the track until I had to go home. Elliot was occupied with his volleyball team and I glanced over at Luis who waved at me from the distance; which I waved back to be kind. Once I was home, I noticed my mom came an hour earlier than she usually does and she had me eat dinner while I was doing homework. I wasn’t so hungry, but she would still wait for me to at least finish half of my plate and was watching me quietly.

“So, how come you came home early?”

“No reason. I just wanted to make sure that you’re cold went away. So, how was school?” she asked.

I was picking at my food and shrugged my shoulder. “Okay,” I answered.

“Were you able to eat before going to school?” she asks as she ate.

I nod my head, “Yeah.” I lied then put my fork down and got up. “I’m going to be in my room. I have a lot of homework to do.”

She watched me grab my plate and take it to the sink. “You barely touched your meal.”

“I had a big lunch since I didn’t eat a lot in the morning,” I said and walked over to my room.

I closed the door behind me and sighed heavily as I did what I usually do to end my night by doing my homework then wash up before going to bed. After my shower, I put on my shower when I suddenly felt a tight feeling on my chest and I had to inhale deeply feeling like I couldn’t breath. Maybe because I’m still a little weak and I haven’t collected myself for the past few days, but I think it's just a continuation from the anxiety attack I had yesterday while I was in the restroom stall. I’ve still been thinking about all the events that have been going on and the fact that I’ve just been ignoring it all hasn’t helped me. Once I had it under control I quietly made my way to my room and lay down hoping that if I just sleep it’ll go away.

But it didn’t; I suddenly woke up feeling suffocated that I had to pull off my blanket and I had to sit up for a while to relax myself. I reached for my phone to check the time, it was four in the morning, then got up to walk to the kitchen to grab something to drink. I can still feel my hands shaking as I thought about what caused me to wake in a panic and realized that I might have just been a night terror, but it's been a while. I almost forgot how shaky I can be from it as I held the cup tightly in my hand hoping that I’ll calm me down as I quietly walked back to my room. I took another sip before putting the cup down on my nightstand and laid down again, but I doubt that I’ll be able to go back to sleep. I laid in bed staring up at the ceiling when I heard the sound of running water and it only means that my mom is already getting ready for work.

I sighed as I pulled the covers closer and I shifted to lay on my side while I closed my eyes thinking that it’s been two hours that I’ve been awake and that meant I had to get ready for school after another hour. I waited in my room until it was almost time for Elliot to pick me up and a few times my mom came by to check on me, but I told her that I was getting ready for school. I was feeling tired by the time Elliot sent me a text saying that he is around the corner and I grabbed my backpack and started making my way out when my mom saw me when I reached the door.

“Hey, you haven’t had breakfast.” my mom called me.

“It's okay. I’m not hungry.” I said as I was leaving. “Look at the door behind me.”

I made my way to Elliot’s car as he pulled up and I got in putting on my seat belt.

“Morning.” He said as he turned to me.

“Good morning,” I responded back as I put my backpack in the back seat.

“You okay?”

I shrugged, “I woke up early and now I feel tired. I honestly feel drained.”

“Well, maybe we can stop and get you coffee or something.” he offered.

I shook my head, “No, I’ll be fine. I don’t drink coffee.”

“Alright,” he said as he continued to drive.

We were quiet for a bit before I turned to him. “You should teach me how to drive,” I tell him, wanting to break the silence.

“Yeah? Have you ever tried?” he asked.

“No,” I answered, shaking my head. “Dad never offered.”

Elliot thought about it as he pulled up to the campus and tried to find a parking spot. “Hm, well, we can see on the weekends and find a good parking lot or somewhere empty,” he said as he parked and turned off the car. “How does that sound?”

I nod, “Okay, that sounds good”

He turned to me and we were quiet again. “Hey, are you… are you still upset?”

I turned to reach for my bag and I shook my head, “I’m fine.”

“Michael… I don’t think you are,” he tells me and reaches out to hold my hand.

I slowly pulled my hand away and I took a deep breath before taking a glance at him. “I’m just tired because I had a panic attack, twice, and I couldn’t go back to sleep after the second one.” I told him and got out of the car.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked, concerned in his tone.

I nod, “Yeah, I’m just trying to not think about it too much. It got me tired.”

Elliot got out of the car and walked over to me. “Let’s go out after school and have something to eat.”

“It's Wednesday,” I said as we started walking towards the building.

“So? You don’t want to go out?” he asks.

I pushed the door open, making my way to the stairs as I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t have money right now…” I answered him.

“Then I’ll pay. We can go have pasta if you want or we can go to the pier,” he suggested. “I’m trying to ask you out on a date.”

I took a deep breath as we finally arrived at the classroom door and I looked down at the floor trying to figure what to say. “I don’t think I want to go out today. Like I said, I’m tired so I don’t think I’ll be up for that right now. Let’s wait on it?”

Elliot looked at me before nodding and we started walking to our classroom, “Alright. Maybe another time.”

After sitting down, I ran my hands over my face wondering if I should have taken up Elliot’s offer to get coffee and sighed heavily as class started. There was a pop-quiz giving me a good distraction during class while the rest of the day felt long. I spent lunch on my own in the library, Elliot said he couldn’t meet up with me which I didn’t mind, and in P.E I was able to just walk around the track. Luis tried coming over to me, but I tried to leave him behind with Jennifer as I kept on walking and I knew he was just wanting to make conversation with me since I haven’t hung out with him after school for volleyball practice. By the time class was over Elliot met me at my locker after he finished changing and I turned to him as I was grabbing my backpack ready to leave.

“How come you don’t meet me outside like you always do?” I ask him.

“Because I get to see you sooner,” he answered.

I looked at him for a second before we started making our way outside. “I still feel tired,” I tell him.

He reached out a hand and placed it on my forehead. “You are a little warm. Maybe it wasn’t so much the panic attack that is tiring you out and you just haven’t recovered from your cold.” he tells me. “You should take medicine when you get home.”

I sighed, “I figured.”

“You want me to stay home with you?”

I shook my head, “No.”

We got in the car and he started making his way towards my home leaving us in silence during the ride.

“I’m sorry that I don’t feel well today to go out,” I told him after we finally arrived at my house.

“It's okay. You're feeling sick so we can always go another day. I just thought it would be good to get some fresh air since you haven’t been feeling well or get some fresh air.” he tells me.

I sighed again, “Maybe another time. Just not now, but that does sound nice.”

“Once you feel better we can go out. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.

“Alright. Bye.” I said and made my way to the door.

I waved at him as I watched him leave before going inside and as promised I took medicine then spent my time doing homework until I heard the door open seeing my mom come in. I watched her enter the house and I checked the time before turning back to her.

“You’re home early again,” I said.

“Yeah, just things are a little slow at work,” she said as she walks over at me to touch my face before leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Have you eaten yet?”

“No,” I answered as I looked at her. “Are you just coming home early to check on me?”

She turned to me as she was walking about to walk to the kitchen, “No, I’m not. I just had less work.”

“Really?” I asked her. “I know Elliot told you about what happened at school…”

“He did…” she said, glancing down before turning back to me. “You should have told me that it was bothering you.”

“It doesn’t,” I said, almost cutting her off. “I’m fine about it Mom.”

“Michael-”

“Mom, I’ll go with dad. It's fine.” I said as I turned to go back to my room.

“Hun, what about dinner?”

“Just call me when it's ready.” I tell her before closing the door.

I was listening to music while I closed my eyes trying to rest and wondered if I wanted to talk more about it with my mom instead of pushing the conversation away again. I kept trying to avoid it when I knew that it was coming up and I guess I was hoping that ignoring it would be a better solution. And we kept things silent until the next day after coming home from school, I found my mom already home as if waiting for me in the living room and I looked around for a second confused.

“What are you doing here?”

“I think we need to talk,” she said as she pulled a chair for me and she sat down across it.

I sighed as I walked over already knowing what she wanted to talk about. “I said I’ll go with dad. It’s okay.”

“Well, tell me what you want to do?” she asked me. “You haven’t talked about this since the beginning of the week.”

I looked down, “I’ll do whatever you want me to, Mom. I won’t complain.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” she said, shaking her head.

I glanced at her for a second and took a deep breath before answering. “I would rather stay here… But I know you don’t trust me enough to be alone and I know that I will be fine here instead of staying at dads.”

“I never said that I don't trust you. I just feel like you would rather not want to be alone... I thought everything was fine at your dad’s,” she asked me.

“It was… But then I went to my room and everything came back to me of all that happened. It just gave me nightmares after and I just don’t want to go back right away because I can’t stop thinking about it. It's blurry of what I did, but I remembered how I felt and I guess that affected me more than I thought it would.” I tell her.

“And why couldn’t you tell me that?” she asks, frowning.

“Because I didn’t want to worry you. I don’t want you to always be worried about me when you're not here or when I say that I’m not feeling well.” I tried to explain to her.

“But I’m your mother. I’ll always be worried,” she said as she reached out to grab my hand. “I thought we trust each other enough to tell these things. If you're getting bad reactions on going to your dad then we can always change the arrangements.”

“But I also don’t want to hurt dad…” I mumbled.

“I don't think you should worry about our feelings. Your dad and I, we can deal with what you decide and what you don’t want us to do or be involved with,” she tells me and paused for a second to take a breath. “So, that’s why I want to see what you want to do… If you feel better staying at home then stay home.”

“But you don’t want me home alone,” I said.

“I’m not saying that you will. You can stay home, here, with Elliot.” She tells me as if this was a simple solution.

“I knew you would say that… I don’t need a babysitter.” I inform her.

“No, I’m not leaving a babysitter. I’m letting you spend the weekend alone with your boyfriend,” she said as she stood up and made her way to the kitchen. “I’m breaking the ‘mom code’ and letting my son be home alone where I expect things to be rated PG and that means no late outings, separate beds every night and no even parties as well.”

I paused for a second before turning to her as I watched her make herself tea. “Mom, you're saying all that, but you haven’t even asked him. Also I don’t think I’ll be having parties or any of that,” I said, still confused.

“He’s your boyfriend, Michael. I think he would say yes if you ask,” she said as she finished preparing her drink before turning to me. “You want some tea?”

I was still thinking about what she said and I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. Okay, Mom, are you sure about this?”

“Yes. Look, I’ve thought about it and I have already talked with your dad, but I wanted to hear what you had to say before I decide,” she said as she walked back over to me. “You can always tell me when you're uncomfortable about anything instead of just hiding it from me.”

I sighed as I rubbed my cheeks. “I just don’t want people to care for me like I can’t do things on my own.”

“I know, but it’s okay if you can’t…” she said as she reached a hand out to me. “It's not like we’re going to look down on you for it.”

I stared at her before I turned away as I reached to play with the edge of my shirt. “Sometimes I feel like everyone does…”

“Michael, it’ll be fine,” she said as she reached out to hold my hand.

I stared at her for a long minute before I nodded my head. “Okay…”.

“Give Elliot a call and ask him,” she said. “And afterward we’re going to have dinner.”

“Alright.” I said as I got up and made my way to my room.

I sighed as I grabbed my phone and laid down on my bed as I heard the call ringing waiting for it to be picked up.

“Hello?” I heard Elliot say when he answered.

“Hey, are you free to talk?”

“Yeah, what’s up? Everything okay?” he asked.

“I’m okay… I just have something to ask you.” I said as I tried to figure out how to ask, but I think Elliot already knew what I wanted to say.

Elliot was quiet for a second before speaking. “Yeah?”

“I know you know what I have to ask… I heard you talking to my mom.” I said as I took a deep breath.

“Yeah, but I want to hear it,” he said and I could tell he was smiling.

“Would you mind spending the weekend at my place?” I asked him. “Just until Sunday and you have to follow my mom’s rules or you’ll get kicked out.”

Elliot chuckled, “Yeah, I want to and if you're okay with that too.”

I shrugged my shoulders as I thought about it. “I mean… Yes, I’m fine with it.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again.

“I don’t mind… I just didn’t want anything to happen….” I trailed off and I couldn’t finish what I wanted to say.

“Michael,” Elliot said, cutting into my thoughts. “I won’t do anything while I’m there. You know I won’t.”

I looked down at my bedsheets and picked at the fabric. “I know… I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know you're scared of being alone, but I won’t do anything that would make you think of me taking advantage of you,” he tells me. “I promise.”

I pressed my lips together before taking a deep breath as I started to feel emotional about the words I want to say. “You said to not compare you to him and I don’t. The problem is that anything can just make me recall things about him and that scares me because I know he’s not here to hurt me anymore, but it's just so annoying because he fucked with my mind and it made me believe that I can’t do things like I used to.”

“Michael… Michael, do you want me to come over?” he asked me.

“No… I’m just a little upset with myself and I’m just tired because I’ve been having these panic attacks then the nightmare I had messed with me too.” I said wiping my face with the collar of my shirt as I was in tears.

“Alright. Just breathe slowly and count to ten. It’ll help calm you down.” he said, softly.

I took a deep breath. “ I’m sorry that I’ve been like this, pushing you away, and I’ve been doing the same thing with my friends which I’ve been so lucky to have.” I said, covered my face with my hand. “I didn’t mean to be such a mess.”

“I know you didn’t. It's okay to feel upset and you also haven’t been feeling well so you shouldn’t have to put so much pressure on yourself.” he tells me. “Just keep taking deep breaths.”

I listened as I inhaled and exhaled, feeling my breath come out shaky. “I just wanted all these feelings to go away, but it just kept getting to my head and it went to the point that I just didn’t want anyone near me. I pushed Jennifer and Luis away when they tried to see how I’ve been doing. What if they hate me?”

“They’re not going to hate you. I’m sure they know you just wanted some space to be alone. It’s not like they’ll get offended.” Elliot said and I can hear him taking a breath. “Michael, I’m outside your house. Are you sure you don’t want to see me because I do...”

I paused for a second before I slowly got up. “No, wait, stay there.” I said as I reached for my sweater and started making my way out of my room.

“Michael?” My mom called.

“I’ll be back,” I said as I stepped out the front door making my way to the front gate.

Elliot was leaning against his car then started walking my way once he saw me and I had my arms wrapped around his waist after he reached out to me. I buried my face against his chest while he held me and I remember that earlier I didn’t want him to touch me, but now that he’s holding me, I just wanted to be under his arms. I guess being held like this was comforting me more than I thought it would and it wasn’t fair that I’ve been keeping a distance from people that care about me. I wondered to myself and thought why I didn’t want this; just being held and comforted.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said softly as he patted my back to calm me.

“It’s not okay. I’m not fine. First it was about staying with my dad then I bought up that conversation that was just embarrassing in the end. I just let all that get to me and it probably isn’t that big of a deal then it should be.” I said.

“Even if it wasn’t a big deal, it's still important for you because it’s something that you need to deal with in a different matter. Also, you need to find a way to work around your anxiety because it’s been affecting your health.”

“I know. I noticed because I’ve been skipping meals when I shouldn’t and trying to either sleep more or sleep less. I don’t know what I’m doing.” I said.

“Hey, hey, look at me,” he said as he stepped back while he also moved his hands to my cheeks and he wiped my face with his thumb. “It’s all going to be fine. I’ll help you through this and your mom can too. We’re here for you.”

I looked at him as I listened and I could feel the warmth coming from his hands as he held my face before he went back to hugging me. I didn’t have anything to say as he still held me under his arms and after a while, I finally calmed down in his hold. I’ve been crying for some time now that I’ve gotten a little light headache and I just lean my head against his chest trying to ignore the small pounding. I can feel his hands patting my back, comforting, then raising it to touch my forehead before pulling me back.

“Did you take medicine as I told you?” he asked me after a couple of minutes in silence.

“Yeah, but I haven’t been taking more than I should.”

“Your fever is coming back.” he tells me. “You should take some before going to bed or we’re going to have to tell your mom to take you to the hospital.”

I shook my head again, “I’ll take the medicine.”

“After you eat, too.”

I nod my head, “I will.”

“Promise?” he asks me.

I looked up at him and nodded my head again, “Yeah, I promise.”

Elliot looked at me for a long minute before he slowly leaned towards me so he could kiss me. It was a quick kiss, but for me it felt long and it felt so calming now that I just didn’t want to let him go yet. Was it because I didn’t let anyone near me for the past couple of days or because I’m sick and clouded with emotions at the moment? It felt like I’ve missed him even though he’s been with me the whole time. I also miss my friends that I’ve been pushing away.

“Are you going to school tomorrow?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered. “I’ll take medicine and I’ll make sure I’ll go to sleep after.”

“First you eat, take some medicine and then go to bed.” He tells me as he pulls me to another hug.

“Okay,” I said as I hugged him back. “Thank you.”

“I’ll see you in the morning.” He said letting go of me as he’s giving me a soft smile.

I nod as I’m making my way back to the house, but I quickly turned to him. “And stop talking to my mom like you guys are friends.”

I could hear him laugh before I walked inside the house and saw my mom in the kitchen cooking.

“Everything okay?” She asked me.

“Yeah.” I said as I walked over to her. “It’s better now.”

She smiled, “Good. Now let’s eat cause I’m starving.” She said as she reached out grabbing plates.

“What did you make?” I asked to go to the sink to wash my hands and made sure that I cleaned myself.

“Stir-fry chicken.” She answered and reached for a plate to serve me I walked over to serve myself a cup of juice before going over to the table where she placed my plate. “So, Elliot said he doesn’t mind staying over, but I think you knew that already.” I told her as I started eating.

“No, it was honestly my idea and I needed permission from his parents as well to know if he can, but it’s fine?” She asked.

“Yes,” I answered and I ate quietly for a while until I turned to her. “What time are you leaving tomorrow?”

“Around twelve.” She answered. “So you won’t see me when you get home from school.”

I thought about it as I mumbled. “Okay.”

“Is that fine?” She asked.

“Yeah. Elliot has a game tomorrow so I’ll just go watch and we’ll come home right after.” I said but I suddenly remembered that his brother is also going to be at the game.

“Alright. Do you need money?” she asked.

“It’s okay. I still have some.” I said as I picked at my food for a second then I continued to eat until my plates were empty. “Do you have any cold medicine, mom?”

“Yeah, let me check,” she said as she grabbed my plate to put in the sink and went to look through the cabinets and grabbed a small bottle. “You need one or two?”

“Just one,” I said as I refilled my cup and I took the pill when she handed it to me. “Thanks.”

She watched me for a second before she leaned over to give me a small hug, “You should go to bed. I’ll see you on Sunday and you call me if you need anything or if you miss me.”

“Alright,” I said as I hugged her back.

I took the pill before making my way to my room, giving my mom another hug, and laid down on my bed thinking about everything that happened to the conversation with Elliot. I laid there for a while until I heard my phone ring and I reached out to see that Elliot's message. I slowly sat up, he wanted to talk on the phone, starting to change while I waited for his phone call. I was putting on my pajamas and after I moved to lay down in my bed again feeling comfortable now.

“Hey,” I said as I pulled the covers over me.

“How are you?” he asks me.

“I’m okay now,” I tell him. “I really am.”

“Okay. Did you eat and took some medicine?” he asked.

“I did. I ate with my mom and she gave me the pill. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I just want to make sure that your cold doesn’t get worse.” Elliot said and I think I can hear movement on his end of the phone.

“What are you doing?” I asked him as I closed my eyes feeling tired.

“I’m just cleaning my room since my brother is coming over tomorrow,” he said and paused for a second from what he was doing. “Are you okay about coming to my game tomorrow? You can sit with my brother and we can go to your place after the game is over or we grab something to eat after .”

I opened my eyes as I thought about this. “You want me to meet your brother?”

“If you want to, but it's okay if you don’t. I only said that in case you don’t want to sit alone.” he tells me.

“But your brother doesn’t know me,” I said, hesitant about sitting for an hour with Elliot’s brother and I wonder how that would go.

“Michael,” Elliot said.

“Yeah?”

“It's my brother. I promise that you can trust him. I wouldn’t suggest it if I knew he can make you uncomfortable.” he tells me.

“He’s not going to like me,” I mumbled.

I can hear Elliot give a very small laugh. “He doesn’t even know you yet,” he said. “It’ll only be for a little while and he’ll go home after the game is over if you don’t want him to join us. My brother is older so he won’t be offended if I send him home.”

“Okay, I’ll sit with him if I can find him from the crowd.” I answered as I closed my eyes again and kept the phone to my ear as I was getting sleepy now.

“So in the morning, I was thinking we can stop by somewhere so we can have breakfast together before going to school,” he said. “Or we can grab food to eat at the school parking lot if you prefer that instead. What do you say?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. We can do that.” I mumbled.

“Alright. I’ll come by a little early in the morning so we can have time.” He said on his end of the line.

“Okay,” I said more quietly.

“You're falling asleep aren’t you?. Want me to hang up?” he asks me.

“No, not yet,” I said as I pulled the cover closer to my face.

I can hear him chuckle and he said something, but I was already falling asleep.

Flashback 3

After winter vacation and we returned to school it seemed like Chris didn’t care if his friends knew about our relationship or maybe that they wouldn’t care since we’ve all known each for a little over a year now, but we just were obvious that it didn’t need to be questioned. They didn’t even pay me any attention anyway when I was around and I didn’t mind it since I never cared about his friends; I was never part of their group. I didn’t bother trying to get involved with them considering these are the friends that would also join fights with Elliot and I wasn’t trying to be friends with those types of people.

We were entering spring now and Chris has been spending a lot of his time hanging out with his friends as they started going to high school parties. I wasn’t sure what kind of they do there until Chris called me a few times, surprisingly drunk on occasions, and I realized that he’s a lot riskier than I would ever do. We were walking home from school and we were discussing ideas to spend time together since Spring break was coming up when Chris became distracted with his phone after receiving a message. I looked away knowing that he’ll be on his phone for a while and I wasn’t going to bother with finishing our discussion.

“Sweet. There’s a party going on tonight,” he said as he put his phone away. “We’re going.”

“We? You never invite me. Also, you know I’m not that social and I don’t have a reason to go…” I said, turning to him.

“Come on,” Chris said as he pulled me to walk faster.

“Why? I don’t want to go.” I said as I frowned. “You never wanted me to go before.”

“I want you to come with me this time and we never had any fun like this before.” He tells me.

“I don’t drink or dance and I suck at socializing.” I listed and he wrapped his arm around me to pull me closer to him. “And your friends don’t like me so they would be upset if you bring me along.”

“Which is why you need to loosen up, relax and enjoy your teenage years!” He tells me as if it's so easy. “The more you get yourself involved with everyone the more easier it’ll be for you. Just take it as it goes.”

I looked at him, seeing this excited to bring me long that I couldn’t say no to him. “Fine. Okay.” I gave in.

“Fuck yeah! Finally taking you to your first party.” He shouted so loud then kissed me.

I felt my face blushed and pushed him away softly, “Not in public.”

“They don’t care.” He said, shrugging his shoulders.

I looked down feeling shy, knowing perfectly well that we’re still in broad daylight and it wasn’t like we were hidden away from people to show that type of affection in front of people. We walked for a good couple of minutes until we finally arrived at the only house in the block that’s throwing a massive wild house party and you can already see people heading inside where the music was blasting so loud; the neighbors will be annoyed by the end of the night. We walked inside, you can already tell how this was a typical party where half the teenagers here are either drunk, stoned, or all the above. This was a little overwhelming because I was never interested in being involved with these types of crowds only because I was never interested in being intoxicated and I didn’t know where they were getting it from so I could put myself at risk.

I’ve gotten used to Chris spending his nights hanging out with his friend and doing these things, but there were times that I had to come fetch him during those calls me made. I would only come because his other friends were already past out or left him behind and in my mind I felt uneasy knowing that he might have issues returning home or not go home at all. I took a deep breath, found it hard to breathe because there were so many people that we had to squeeze our way around them. I couldn’t help but reached out to hold Chris's hands as I tried not to lose him from the crowd and I was nervous of what to expect.

“Where are we going?” I asked, yelling so he could hear me over the music.

“Just follow me.” He said.

We walked into the kitchen and, of course, I saw Chris's friends talking with each of them holding a bottle in their hands while passing around a joint. Great. They all greeted Chris when they saw him, already handed them a beer, until they saw me then it felt awkward as they tried to greet me. They tried to offer me a can and I kindly declined, but Chris took it, placing it on my hand saying that I might change my mind. I knew better than to decline as he opened it for me and I looked down at the beer can feeling uncertain if I even wanted to try it.

“You don’t have to drink it all. Just enjoy yourself.” he tells me as he leaned over to me.

I can feel his friends watching me, I’m sure it was a test to see if I will drink it or not, and I nod taking a small sip. I instantly didn’t like the taste of it, but I continued to take small sips as I stood on the side while they were talking among each other and I watched as Chris started smoking with them. I tried not to show any emotions or reaction because we were both fifteen and I’m sure I was far too young to be around these groups of people. I’m unsure if I regret coming because after some time they were engaged in their conversation that it felt like he left me alone when he promised that he wouldn’t and then they slowly started walking away.

“I’ll be back,” Chris tells me as he pulls me close to him to hear him.

“What? Where are you going?” I asked.

“They want to do something fast.” He said walking away.

I stood at the kitchen alone as they disappeared into the crowd and I looked around as everyone was doing their own thing barely acknowledging me. I didn't want to leave in case he comes back but a large crowd came looking for snacks or maybe more drinks so I slowly walked around trying to see if there was anyone I knew. Caesar wouldn’t be here because he’s out of town visiting his family and in the end I didn’t know anyone else around me. I was starting to become overwhelmed with everyone pressing against each other trying to walk through the house and it started to feel a little suffocating as they began to dance around me. I almost wanted to step outside when suddenly someone pulled me from behind and I saw Chris appearing out of nowhere.

“Where did you go?” I asked.

“Nowhere. We just went upstairs for a smoke and I knew you wouldn’t want to join us.” He said as he wrapped his arms around me like he was trying to comfort me. “I’m sorry.”

I sighed. “I thought you weren’t gonna do that if I come.”

“I know, but I need it.” He said as he led me to a room less crowded and sat down on a chair pulling me along so I could sit on his lap.

“You didn’t have to leave me like that just so you can do something like that,” I said and I couldn’t help looking around seeing people watching us.

He rolled his eyes, “Why can’t you shut up about it? It’s not like you are my mom telling me what to do. We’re trying to have fun, remember?”

I took a deep breath, “Sorry.”

Chris wrapped his arm around me as he started kissing my neck and for a second I thought he'd stop until I felt his hands start moving underneath my shirt.

“Hey, not here,” I said as I tried to move his hands off me, seeing a few people watching us again and talking closely to each other. “People are looking.”

“Let them,” he said as he raised his hands, almost lifting my shirt and I began to feel uncomfortable with everyone laughing as if this was a joke.

I finally pushed myself off him, stooding up. “I’m going outside.” I said quickly trying to make my way through the front door.

I felt myself breathing hard, my chest tightening, as I stepped through the doors finally feeling the fresh cool air and I was sure that my face was red. I didn’t bother looking back to see if Chris followed me or not and looked for a spot to be alone for the time being as I’m trying to calm myself. I must have been outside for thirty minutes and I was starting to get cold from the night air so I decided to look for Chris having decided that I was going to go home. I was done with this party and this fun that he’s talking about was not what I agreed to.

I looked around as I entered the house and I couldn’t seem to find him between the crowd. He wasn't at the spot we were sitting at and he wasn’t in the kitchen with his friends. I couldn’t leave without seeing him because that would leave me wondering if he was fine or the condition that he could possibly be in. I was about to make my way upstairs when someone grabbed me from behind making me lose my step and saw Chris pulling me towards him. I had to be careful because he was basically yanking on my arm and before I knew it he was kissing me.

“Wait… Chris,” I said as I tried to push him off me and caught a whiff of his breath. “Were you drinking?”

“Come on,” he said, leading me upstairs and I almost tripped following as he wouldn’t let go of my arm.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I tried to get out of his grip. “Chris, just stop. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going home.”

“What for? We’re at a party. You promised that we’ll have fun.” he said as he opened one of the doors in the hallway and pulled me in with him.

I wasn’t too sure what was going on until I noticed that he had me in an empty bedroom giving me some warnings in my head. Who’s room is this? No, wait, I want to go home and get away from whatever this is. It suddenly felt like we were recreating our first kiss when Chris pulled me to his room the first time he kissed me and he was doing just that right now as he had been pinned against the door. He didn’t pull away as he dragged me over to the bed pressing me down making sure I stayed down while he kissed me and this time it wasn’t as gentle as he had been. I felt his hands around my waist and I tried to push him off me because I knew where this was leading to; I didn’t want it.

“Chris, wait, stop it. You're drunk."

I felt the pounding on my chest as I tried to turn away from him, trying to get around him, but he pulled me back giving me this panic that we scuffle between each other until I’m breathless. He was heavier compared to me because there wasn’t much of a struggle for him to grab my wrist and felt like the rest that happened was a blur that my mind couldn’t process. My mouth was so dry that I couldn’t talk anymore or maybe it didn’t matter because no one could hear me as I tried to talk him out of it. I felt my hands shaking as I stared at the ceiling feeling his hands touching my body and I remember looking at his face, but the room was so dark that it just made him look at a dark figure over me.

I had to turn away because it was fighting to look at him and suddenly I felt my body tense up as I gripped the bed sheets. From there I couldn’t remember much that happened or how long we were in the room for and it was like I shut myself from feeling anything else. I just remembered that I was staring at the ceiling until it was over and after some time I reached for my pants finally able to walk home, but what else happened? Was Chris still in the room when I left? Did he say anything to me when I left the room or cared that I was leaving without him?

I do remember Dad yelling at me once I got him and I made my way to my room laying in my bed, but I couldn’t sleep and I lost track of time. When I finally woke up from this trance I went straight to the showers and I made sure that I washed everything away. I probably used all the bar soap thinking that the more I scrubbed my body it wouldn’t show what we did and make it seem like it never happened. I went to bed after I was done, pulling the covers over myself, and in my head I was telling myself that it wasn’t my fault while I was half convinced that it was because I wanted to go with him to the party. I might have annoyed him about my opinions of his actions, but he shouldn’t have forced himself on me when I didn’t want him to.

There was a knocking at the door and I closed my eyes.

“Yeah?” I said, my voice sounded so dry.

“I’m going to work. I’m just reminding you that you're grounded for coming home late: you're not allowed to leave the house and if you're gone when I get back then don’t come home at all.” he said. “I don’t know who had you believe that you can just go out and come home at any hour like it’s a hotel.”

I tried to hold back my tears as I listened and pulled the covers closer to my face, “I got it.”

He closed the door after hearing me and I opened my eyes slowly sitting up wondering about the time it was. I know Dad goes to work around seven so did that mean I didn’t come back until five? I was about to step out of my room when I heard my phone ring and I turned around looking for my phone when I saw a message from Chris asking where I am. I stared at the message for a long time and I couldn’t respond back. I was about to set my phone down when it started to ring and I honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe seeing his name on the screen. I slowly reached out to answer it and I tried to stay calm.

“Where are you? Are you home already?” he asked.

I took a lot in me to respond back, “I don’t want to talk to you. Just leave me alone.”

“Michael, come on, don’t act like that after what we did.” he tells me. “I’m walking up to your house right now.”

“I don’t want to see you…” I said quietly.

“Open the door. I only want to talk.” He retorts.

I opened my mouth and before I could say anything I started hearing pounding downstairs.

“Come open the door,” he said again. “I know your dad is not here so he’s not going to get mad that I’m here.”

I slowly stepped out of my room and for a second I hesitated as I made my way to the front of the door. When I opened I saw Chris standing there and that tight feeling in my chest came back that made it hard to breath. I tried to breath through my nose as I watched him put away his phone once he saw me and walked in casually. I looked at him and noticed that he was around to reach a hand out to me, but I stook a step away from him.

“Don’t,” I said, already out of breath.

“I’m just here to say I’m sorry,” he said as he reached out to grab my hand again and took it. “I sobered up and I realized that I didn’t know what I was doing until the end.”

“I told you I didn’t want to…” I said already in tears.

He wrapped his arms around me trying to hug me and I just wanted to push him, but he held on to me. All I could hear was him apologizing and he brushed his fingers over my cheeks feeling like he wanted to convince me of his mistake. We stood there for a while and he waited for me to calm down while I felt small in his arm as he continued to hold me.

“I’ll leave right now… I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said looking at me as he let go. “I’ll come by tomorrow, okay?”

I wiped my face with the collar of my shirt and this whole time that he was talking to me I couldn't bring myself to say anything while I cried. He cupped my face in his hands to have me look at him and leaned in to kiss my cheek. I was disgusted by it and I don’t know what was worse that I felt the warmth of his hands linger on my face or that I was close to believing his apology.

"I'll be here every day or all summer," he tells me. "It'll be like it never happened and I´ll take care of you.¨

I couldn’t respond back as I just stood there watching him until he disappeared and I could finally close the door. I can finally close myself from everything that happened and just take deep breaths.