Chapter 10

Just hearing him agreeing that there was a relationship between each other couldn't hide the smile on my face as I looked out the window and the view of the ocean appeared before us now. It took awhile for Elliot to find parking and once we got out making our way to the pier, it was cold being that we arrived so early in the day that the weather hasn’t warmed up just yet. We took our time making our way to the cafe because I wanted to look at the ocean and leaned over the rail feeling the breeze has now become so relaxing for me. We looked over the small shops I didn’t get to see from our last trip and after some time when we finally arrived at the cafe. I was starting to feel hungry now as we sat down at an empty booth and looked over the menu before we ordered.

He went with a traditional breakfast meal with pancakes, bacon, hashbrown and eggs while I went simple with just pancakes and a side of hash brown. We discussed how we’ll spend our day and Elliot retells his conversation about his brother returning home while we waited for our meal. He repeated the story about growing up with his step-brother before he moved away to college and the memories during the holidays together. This was it, I realized. I’m here with someone who was treating me as an equal and it felt like it’s been some time I’ve felt included in the world. I’ve met a person who is willing to accept me and has been there during the times I couldn’t handle myself. Who can tell me that when it’s okay to feel uncertain and uncomfortable.

“Why are you crying?” I heard Elliot asked.

I shook my head as I brushed my tears, “Nothing.”

“Was it something I said?” He asked, concerned.

“No… I’m just happy,” I admitted and I can hear Elliot chuckle.

“How can you cry and be happy?”

“It happens,” I said, feeling embarrassed, and I saw the waiter walking over with our food. “Just eat.”

The waitress placed our plates in front of us and I can hear Elliot chuckling as I started eating trying to put my emotions aside. I took my time eating considering I have a smaller plate and we continued on with our conversation. I think we spent almost all of our time on our conversation then we did eat, but we enjoyed our meal and I was completely full. Once we were done, we made our way walking along the pier and now the sun is high above our heads. It felt warmer with the sun hitting my face and there’s a crowd as we walked around until we came to the end of the pier.

“So since your brother is coming this weekend, how about coming over to my dad’s house the following week?" I asked him as we stopped and I stood by the rail overlooking the ocean.

“I’ll be meeting your dad and your step-mom?” He asked.

“Well she’s not my step-mom, but yes, you’ll meet them both and maybe if you want you can spend the night.” I said.

“Well, if they don’t mind then I’ll go over with you.” He said nodding. “How is your dad?”

I thought about this question for a second. “I don’t know how to describe him… he’s a good person now, but he was a bit difficult when I was living with him when I was younger.” I tried to explain. “He kind of became distant since my mom divorced him and she decided to move away leaving me behind with him.”

Elliot thought about this. “Did you ever go to him while all that was happening?”

I looked down at the water and I shook my head. “I wanted to, but I was scared and embarrassed. After I came out to him I felt like whatever that happened to me was my fault. Like I brought this onto myself. He was the one that told me that I had to deal with everything that happens because I chose to be gay. ”

“But that doesn’t make sense. That had nothing to do with you being gay. Having all that happened to you...” he said as he turned to me.

“True, but to me, I took his words literally and he never knew what was going on. For me to deal with it all and be in a relationship at that age was all that I know. I was alone and felt like there was no one except for Chris.” I said as we moved to a bench that was near us and I sat down facing him. “I guess it’s hard after having that kind of mindset.”

Elliot didn’t say anything for a minute and took a deep breath. “I guess you're right… it’s something I can’t imagine experiencing.”

I shrug my shoulders. “It’s better to have no experience or even imagine it happening to yourself. It felt like I had to be reminded that I was loved or cared by someone while also being pushed away by them. It’s a conflicting mindset.”

Elliot looked up at the sky as he thought about this before turning back to me. “I still don’t see why you picked to be with a guy like him.” He said as he reached out to hold my hand. “How could I tell you to not do something that you want to do or can do freely? I can’t even think about forcing myself on someone like that.”

I smiled as I felt his hands clutching mine before moving a little closer to him. “Because I thought he was cool and he could do whatever he wanted to do without caring what everyone thought of him. I couldn’t be like that so I thought I wanted to be near him instead. He didn’t mind me being who I am until it felt like I wasn’t enough.”

“I’m cool too, you know.”

“Being cool isn’t everything now.” I told him as I tried not to laugh while we’re having a serious conversation.

“Then what else is there?” he asked.

I thought about it before I thought of something Elliot would say. “Just being yourself,” I answered.

I got up to walk when I noticed the stunned expression on Elliot’s face before turning to me, grinning, as he walked over to me; obviously pleased with my answer. We walked for a while until we came across a bike path and followed it while I looked over at the ocean. It felt calm as we kept walking in silence and enjoyed the view or the feel of the cool breeze. After a while, we made our way back to his car and we discussed where we could go, but of course, Elliot already had a plan before I could even think of a suggestion. I didn’t feel so nervous as I wondered where we could be going, but at the same time I wanted to know where we would be heading to ease me a little until I noticed the mall.

“Why are we coming here?” I asked him.

“There’s an arcade area by the food court that is upstairs and there’s a lot of things to do there.” Elliot said as he parked his car.

I was confused for a second, “I don’t remember seeing that.”

“We didn’t have the chance to look around. They have a small bowling alley, arcade games, and pool tables.” he listed as we made our way inside.

“I never bowled before but I don’t feel like playing that right now.” I said as we made our way inside and I am starting to become nervous.

“Then we can play in the arcade.” Elliot began to lead the way.

I paused for a second as I saw a crowd and I turned to him as I reached out to grab his hand. “I don’t know…” I said, noticing how loud it is inside. “I’m not sure…”

Elliot turned back to me, seeing my distress. “It’ll be fine. It's a little crowded because it's the weekend and everyone goes out during this time.” he said, walking back to me. “We can just be here for a while and leave. Play a game or two.”

I took a deep breath, “Alright.”

“We’ll leave right after,” he reassured me as he looked at me and patted my shoulder.

“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath again.

“Come on,” he said as he held onto my hand and pulled me along, but I slowly pulled my hand away.

“I’m right behind you. I won’t get lost.”

He started walking to look for a machine to grab change to play the arcade games and looked around figuring out which game to play first. I tried not to think about the people walking around us and I made sure there was enough space between as I walked around trying to let them pass by first. Once deciding on a game of air hockey and it took me a while to get into the game, but the time I did Elliot was able to win me by scoring seven to two. We played another round and it wasn’t so bad this time since it was helping me focus on the game, not the people around us, but Elliot still won in the end. I didn’t mind losing because I’m not used to spending my time in these kinds of environments and I never had the chance to play a game of air hockey or any of the other arcade games.

I tried to enjoy myself hoping to not show that he’s made a mistake on bringing me here since he had good intentions. When we find something else to do, I try not to think about everyone who accidentally bumps into me or the kids running by, but it all started to give me this claustrophobic feeling like it was becoming difficult to move. I reached out to grab Elliot’s arm after a while and he pulled me to the side away from the people and I tried to breathe through my nose pushing down these unsettling feelings.

“I think it’s getting too crowded for me.” I tell him. “I wasn’t trying to let it get to me, but it’s a little too much now. I don’t think I can be here any longer.”

“It’s okay.” He tells me. “You don’t have to pay them any attention... We can go now if that’s what you want.”

“Okay,” I mumbled as I looked down at the ground as I felt my palms sweaty. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t think it'd be this crowded.” Elliot replied.

I glanced around before turning to him. “Let’s try again next time. I think I can do better if it was less crowded.”

“Sure. We can always bring Jennifer, Luis, and maybe some guys in the team that you’ve met.” He said and he started leading me out of the arcade. “We can have more fun with a group of friends.”

“Yeah…” I said looking down as I followed beside him keeping my gaze at the floor as he was leading me back to the mall.

I slowly came to a stop once we were outside and Elliot turned to me. “I don't want to ruin our date again.”

“You’re not.” he retorts.

“Yes, I am. You were excited to just hang around in there. I can tell.”

“So? You said we can try and come back again.” Elliot shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t mind waiting until next time.”

“So, you're not mad?”

“What? No, of course not.” He said as if bewild on my comment and reached out to take my hand pulling me to continue walking. “We tried and it just wasn’t something we can do for now.”

I looked down at our hand-holding and I felt like I was calming down now. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I meet your brother when he comes to visit?” I ask him. “You told me a few things, but I like to know more about them.”

Elliot unlocked the door. “I don’t mind introducing you to him.” he said after we got inside the car. “Maybe you can meet him when he comes to the game.”

“And your parents?” I asked, curiously. “You’ve met my mom.”

He sighed, “Well, I don’t mind, honestly, but I’m not completely open to them as we used to be. You can come over to my house if you ever want to and you can meet them. Since my dad's passing I have been a bit distant with everyone, I guess afraid of losing another family member, but they still try to be more involved in my life.”

I thought about it. “Is it bad?”

He shook his head, “I guess I might have closed myself after my dad’s passing and I just focused on school work. I let myself focus more on my work and just showing that I prefer to handle things on my own.”

I nod as I thought about it. “Was that why Jennifer said that you didn’t have many friends?”

He turned to me, “She said that?”

I smiled, “No…” I answered.

I’m relieved that he wasn’t mad, but it wasn’t something for Elliot to get angry over and he’s become more understanding in situations that I know that I can’t handle. I glanced out the window and was thinking for a bit until I paid attention to the road because I still don't know how to get around the area and I know if I don’t know my way around at some point I’ll end up lost. He finally parked and I got out of the car to look around before turning to him. God, I haven’t been in a place like this since I was a child and this was before my parents divorce.

“Mini golf?” I asked, confused.

He shrugs his shoulders as he leads the way. “What? It just popped up in my head.”

“You enjoy playing mini-golf in your spare time?” I asked him.

Elliot smiled, “Not really, but let’s give it a try, and maybe we can go eat afterward.”

I didn’t say anymore as we went inside to pay and once we had the ball and the putters we went through the doors to head towards the golf course. We walked over to the first course and Elliot put his red ball on the floor to be the first to play then paused turning towards me.

“How’s this, let's play 21 questions while we go through the course.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Every time we do the first hit on the ball we ask each other questions.” He explained. “And whoever gets the ball in first can ask a second question.”

I thought about this before shrugging my shoulders. “Okay.” I answered as I didn’t think much of it. We have already been telling each other secrets that I don’t think there’s much to answer by now.

Elliot did the first hit and the ball barely got it to the hole, but it didn’t go in. “Okay, my question is… when’s your birthday?”

I put my purple ball down and tried to focus on how to hit the ball before I made it into the hole. “I get two questions,” I said smiling that I did a hole-in-one. “Um, beginning of October.”

“Really? Oh, we should do something when it comes up.” He said as he took his turn to put his ball into the hole.

“No, I don’t think I want to do anything,” I said as we collected the golf balls and went to the second course.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t want to. Okay, so my two question is… what’s your favorite color and season?” I said, trying to come up with a question at the top of my head.

“Hmmm, my favorite color is green and I love summer.” He answered as he went first again and his ball rolled close to the hole. “Okay, my turn on asking. Favorite food?”

I hit the ball and it was nowhere near the hole. “Um, I like pasta. Chicken or shrimp, it kind of doesn’t matter. How about you?”

“My favorite is too simple: chicken.” He answered as he was able to hit the ball into the hole again. “My next question is: what do you want for your birthday?”

I smiled, shaking my head as I took my time putting the ball into the hole before answering. “Nothing. It's still months away.”

“Oh, come on, everyone wants something.” He said as we make our way to the third course.

“Nope. It’s not like I’m materialistic or want the next best thing.” I told him as I went first this time and I was able to hit it halfway through the course near the hole. “I don’t even know if there’s something I need.”

“Fine…” he said, obviously upset by the answer and took his turn.

We skipped the first hit question and saw who made it in to ask the next question. I smiled as I was able to make it to the hole and we went to the next course.

“Okay, so you said you want to travel, what’s the top two places you want to go?” I asked.

“Um, I’d say Italy and London.” He answered as he went first and turned to me. “Okay, let’s go to whoever makes it to the hole first ask questions because this might take a while.”

I shrugged my shoulder, smiling. “I figured. It’s a lot of questions to be asked if we’re going to go through the whole course.”

We continued playing like this until we finally made it to the eighth course and it was taking us longer to make it into the hole; I was winning.

Elliot made his ball into the hole and he turned to me. “Okay, my next question is….” he thought about it for a second. “Any friends you miss from your other school?”

I took my turn and I didn’t answer him as I focused to make my ball into the hole then shrug my shoulders. “Not really,” I answered bluntly.

“There has to be one friend? Who would you borrow a pencil from? Or cheat off a test?” He asks as we move to the next course.

I looked down at my ball quietly before putting it down so I could go first. “Caesar… I had a friend named Caesar, but we don’t talk anymore.” I told him as I hit the ball but it didn’t roll too far.

“How come?” He asks as he takes his turn.

“We have a fallout,” I answered.

Elliot noticed that I wasn’t going to give him any more information so we continued to play until he made it to the hole; now taking the lead by a point.

“How did you guys meet?”

I’m assuming this is his winning question as I continued to play. “He talked to me and we got along. He was a good friend.”

Elliot reaches out to grab my arm to have me face him. “And what happened? Obviously this fallout wasn’t good.”

I looked at him before I reached for my ball. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him and continue on to the next course. “Maybe another day.”

Elliot followed and he took his turn but I won this time. “What about your dad? What do you miss about him?”

Elliot turned to me surprised by my question before shrugging his shoulders as he continued on playing. “Um, I think just spending time with him. I remembered he used to take me to baseball games when I was young or the time we went to the beach.”

“Do you think about him a lot when we go there? Is that why you like going to the pier?” I asked him.

Elliot smiled as he hit his ball into the hole. “Yeah, I do. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s just good remembering him that way.”

I nod and I sighed as I moved to sit on a bench taking a break. “I wonder about that sometimes. If I had died, would anyone remember me like that or thought about me.” I told him and he moved to sit next to me. “But thinking about it now, I think it would have only hurt my parents. I don’t even think anyone at school would have cared. Not even Chris.”

Elliot wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close to him. “Doesn’t it make a difference knowing that your parents would have been hurt?”

“Maybe, but I didn’t feel like they would be at the time,” I answered “I’m sorry if I upset you when I ask about it,” he said as he finally let go of me and we moved to continue the game.

“It’s okay. I never talked about it aside from you or my therapist. Sometimes it’s just hard to be open about it without worrying what people would think of you or end up scared of you.” I told him and paused for a second before turning to him. “Are you going to tell your parents?”

“About?”

“Well, about everything. Us, about what I’ve done and my past.” I asked him.

He paused to take a breath then took his turn to hit his golf ball. “I think I want to take my time telling them. I haven’t told them about my orientation yet so I have to see when I can bring that up before explaining that you’re my partner. And everything else is also something you should decide as well; like if you want them to know.”

I looked down as I stepped forward to take my turn, “I don’t know how to tell people about what happened or tell them about me. Like I said, my dad had me believe that I deal with my problems so I never was open to anyone so it’s been hard getting used to it since I’ve only been opened with you.”

“It's always up to you on who you want to tell about your life,” Elliot said as he took his turn after I was done and made it into the hole. “You can decide on what you want to say or how much they should know and what they are comfortable with in knowing.”

We moved onto the next hole and I think we were already done playing because we were a bit sloppy trying to make it to the hole now and after this course we ended the game. Overall score I won and according to Elliot, that means I get to pick where to eat. It took me a while before I decided on a restaurant and we returned the items we rented before making our way out. I had a difficult time trying to decide where we could go since I still don’t know the area well but we went to the simplest restaurant I can think of. We went in and waited a couple of minutes to get a booth then looked over the menu to see what to order.

“Doesn’t it embarrass you when we hold hands out in public?” I asked him.

It’s been a question I’ve been wanting to ask since the arcade and I wondered if there were things he wouldn’t want me to do when we’re out in public. We barely decided on being a couple and I’m not sure how comfortable he’s been, but I felt like we’ve done so much that it already feels comfortable. I don’t mind holding back if he ever wants me to since he does the same for me when I asked so far. I know how it feels to need that space.

“Not really.” He answers. “I mean, yes, I get a bit nervous, but I want to be near you like that… unless you don’t like it?”

“No, it’s not like that… I'm just curious because I don't want you to be...embarrassed or uncomfortable…” I answered. “It's okay if you don’t want to do things like that in front of people.”

Elliot looked up at me, “Are you saying that you don’t want me to be embarrassed of being with you in public?”

I looked down and played a little at the end of my shirt. “No, I’m not saying that… I’m just saying that it's okay if you don’t want people around us to know about our relationship.”

Elliot didn't say anything because the waiter came to our table to leave our meal and walked away.

“I don’t think it's something we have to hide. Okay, maybe I will be a bit nervous if I did that at school, but that’s because I still haven’t come out to my friends and I’m barely coming to terms about it all. Us. But that doesn’t mean I want to hide our relationship completely.”

I didn’t say anything as I grabbed my fork and started picking at my food, I got pasta, and I tried to figure out what I wanted to say.

“Then it’ll be between us until you're more comfortable about it at school. I don’t mind us being how it's been so far.” I said.

“Alright.”

“Also, I’m going to come out to Jennifer and maybe Luis.” I finally said. “I think they should know becauseJennifer has been there for me since I transferred and Luis seems like a good friend that I want to get to know.”

Elliot smiled as he started eating, “Well, do you want me to be there when you tell them?”

I shook my head, “No, I mean, it would be nice, but I want to do this by myself. I would rather be alone doing this.”

“You don’t have to.” he said.

I looked up at him, “I know.” I said. “I just… I haven’t had the chance to come out to anyone for years and they’ve always just been bad memories so I hope this time it’ll be different.”

Elliot nods as he continues to eat then turns back to me. “Well, if there’s any problems you let me know and you just have to give me time to come out to everyone, but that doesn’t mean that I want us to hide completely.”

I picked at my food before I continued eating and can understand that we both needed time between each other. I didn’t mind having to take my time with us coming out to people that we trust or even being comfortable with each other in public like at school. It was nice that it was something we are both new to. It felt like I wasn’t alone in this and I know that Elliot didn’t want to put pressure on himself while trying to figure out about himself . We can grow from this together and I think that was the exciting art from the conversation.

After we were done, Elliot brought me home and I stayed in the car for a while as I tried to think of what I wanted to say.

“Thank you… for today. For wanting to go out again after yesterday.” I said as I unbuckled myself. “I had a lot of fun. Sorry about what happened… both times.”

“It’s fine. Don’t think too much about all that,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I felt a little awkward as I got out of the car and locked the door behind me once inside taking a deep breath as I’m leaning against the door. That’s it. I survived our two-day first date; which I never thought would happen. I went to the living room seeing my mom home so I went to sit beside her and took off my shoes to feel comfortable.

“So how did it go?” she asked. “You were gone for a long time.”

“Alright,” I told her and was quiet for a second before turning to her. “I like him. Like really like him.”

“I know. And I think he does too,” she said as she reached out to give me a hug. “That means when he comes over you have to leave the door open and sleepovers are still in separate beds. No make-outs in the living room. Curfew is still at nine.”

“Mom...” I said with a sigh as I’m smiling. “Okay, okay.”

“I’m just letting you know,” she said.

I smiled as I shook my head, “We’re not doing anything like making-out in the living room.” I tell her. “I don’t know what son you're imagining, but that’s not me.”

“Nope, but it's fine,” she said. “Just follow the rules.”

I hesitated for a second, “Mom, I want to invite him over to dad’s. It won’t be this weekend, but next.”

“That’s not fast?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I just want to introduce him as a friend and see if Dad would like him,” I said. “I think I want to show him, too, that I’m doing fine. Dad, I mean. Like having friends and that he doesn’t have to be worried.”

“I’m sure your dad knows you’re okay. He wouldn’t have let you stay with me if he didn’t,” she said trying to reassure me. “There’s no reason for you to have to prove to him that you're doing well. Has he said anything like that to you?”

I looked down as I shrugged. “I just don’t want Dad to put blame on himself because he couldn’t always be there all the time and I think he was just struggling trying to understand everything.”

“And what about me? How am I doing?”

“Mom, I think you're doing fine. I mean, you’re always working, but that’s because they just promoted you and you wanted the new position.” I tell her. “I’m not going to tell you to stop all that because you’re not always here. It was just a different situation with dad than how it is here.”

“Well, he should trust you to believe that you are fine until you say you aren’t,” she tells me. “And it should be the same way with me too.”

I took a deep breath and looked at the show that my mom is watching before nodding my head, “Yeah, I’ll say something if there’s anything going on with me.” I promised.

“So, what is going on?” she asked. “I was surprised when I saw Elliot this morning. I mean, it's his second time sleeping over, but you didn’t let me know until it was late at night.”

“We went out yesterday and I just… I had a minor panic attack or anxiety; I think it was a mixture of both. And we talked about a few things that he felt like staying over.” I tell her. “It wasn’t anything important, but he just wanted to make sure I was fine.”

“Are you fine? This isn’t something I should be worried about, right?”

I shook my head, “No… It turned out to be a good thing honestly. I think I opened up more than I was scared to say and we ended up talking about stuff. He only wanted to make sure I was fine afterward having that little episode.”

“Yeah? So, it worked out in the end?” she asked. “After today?”

I nod, “Yeah, it did and I’m curious about how it’ll go from here. It's new for the both of us and I’m just scared that he’ll change his mind or regret it.”

“If he’ll regret it or has cold feet then that’s his fault. Whatever he does that ends up not wanting to continue means that he couldn’t commit to this relationship,” she tells me as she reaches out to hold my hand. “Never blame yourself thinking you did something wrong when you didn’t.”

“I wish someone had told me that before…”

“Well, I guess it's good that I’m telling you now,” she said as she nudged me.

I sighed as I hugged her. “Yeah… Thanks, Mom.”

“Do you talk about things like this with Elliot?” she asks.

“Yeah, well, that was one of the main conversations we've had recently…” I tell her.

“That’s good. I’m glad that you're talking about this with someone and just growing up like you should be,” she said.

I stayed with my mom for a while until I was tired and I made my way back to my room already done with the night. I laid down as I stared at the ceiling just thinking about the past two days and everything that we talked about. Our dates. I pulled the blanket over myself and I couldn’t help smiling to myself as I’m recalling all the good memories of our time together. At some point, I fell asleep and by morning I woke up getting ready for school still feeling groggy as I figured out what to wear. Elliot came and everything was going fine in school until P.E. I was walking around the track with Jennifer and Karen, Alex was absent today, and I was playing with the edge of my shirt. I don't know why but I decided I wanted to come out to her today and for some reason, it felt like it was better to get it over with instead of waiting it out.

“Hey, Jennifer…” I said, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.

She turned to me, “Yes?”

I glanced over at Elliot, he was running laps on the other side of the track, and I tried to gather courage as I turned to her, “Remember how you wanted to introduce me to your friends, for dates for the dance?”

“You changed your mind?” She asked, curiously.

“No.” I said, shaking my head and trying to hide my nervous smile. “I still don’t want to go, but I wasn’t interested in meeting your friends for different reasons. I’m gay. I rather go to a dance with a guy instead of a girl. I just wanted you to know…”

Jennifer wrapped her arms around mine to walk side-by-side and grinned. “I kind of had a feeling.”

“You did?”

“Well, I mean, no but now that you tell me then I was close to being right.” She said. “Besides, it’s okay to tell us. We don’t judge people like that.You’ve become a great friend.”

Karen nods, “You're safe with us. Besides, I think Alex is gay too, but she just too stubborn to tell us.”

“Let her decide to tell us if she is,” Jennifer said and turn back to me. “And thank you for trusting us.”

I smiled. “Thanks. I'm just not used to telling people. I wasn't too sure what you would think.”

“It's okay. We'll keep it between us if you want us to.”

Elliot passed us while he continued running and I caught him glancing back at us; I couldn’t wait to tell him. It felt a little silly now to be so nervous about coming out, but after all that happened I guess the worried scars will always be there. I let out a small breath that I must have been holding in and I knew that at some point I also wanted to tell Luis as well but maybe not today.

I turned back to Jennifer, “So you don’t want to go out with Luis?”

I saw her blushed. “He seems… interesting.”

“You can’t hide from us. We saw you getting shy around him at the game.” Karen said, nudging at her. “I thought about it as well.”

“Okay, so I am interested in him, but I doubt that he’ll even see me like that.”

“Want me to ask?” I offered.

“Oh no, cause then he’ll feel like he has to ask me out for my feelings or he’ll just straight up and say that he’s not interested in me.” She said.

“But wouldn’t it be better to know?” I ask her.

She didn’t say anything for a second. “Yes, but still…”

I smiled, “Okay. I won’t bring it up.”

“Good. Now are we going to see you after school during the tutor lessons?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I think I might skip for today… I’ve been caught up in my classes now so I think just cutting back on a few tutoring sessions isn’t a bad thing.” I said.

Jennifer nodded, “That’s alright. If you have any problems just come back if you want a break from it. It's okay if you don’t want to go every time we have a session. Besides, I would think you would get tired of it.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, not many students take advantage of after-school study sessions or tutoring like we try to offer and if they do come they get bored in a few days and never come back,” she tells me.

I shrug my shoulders, “I think it’s good to have that. It helped me get my grades up and I’m no longer confused every time I open my book. Thank you for inviting me. It was nice of you to do that when you didn’t even know me.”

“Hey, it turned out well because not only are you doing well in class, but you also gained a friend,” she said, smiling.

“Um, friends.” Karen cut in. “Do we just not count? Alex and I”

“Well, Alex isn’t here to defend herself.” Jennifer teased.

I smiled, “No, you guys count too. And I was curious if it's okay if I join you guys during lunch tomorrow… You did offer to introduce me to your group of friends… or you change your mind about that?”

“Oh, yes, let’s have lunch tomorrow,” Karen said. “You can finally meet Jason and Adrian. And there are the other girls, but I’ll introduce you to them another time. The guys are the ones we’ve been close with.”

“Yeah. It’ll be fine. They are all cool and we’ve all known each other since middle school; even some from elementary.” Jennifer added.

“Okay.” I nodded my head as I tried to not sound nervous. “Is it fine if Elliot comes along? If he wants to.”

“Yes.” Both girls said then blushed quickly embarrassed by their sudden reactions.

“I mean if he wants to,” Jennifer said, running her hands through her hair.

I looked at them knowing well that they still have their interest in him then I glanced at Elliot. “I’ll ask,” I mumbled.

The bell rang and we all started making our way to the locker room to change. I knew Elliot was waiting for me outside, but I decided to take my time since there was no rush for us to leave and when walking outside I saw David passing by. I paused for a second trying to stay out of his eye-sight and thinking about how he hasn’t bothered talking to me since his suspension . I saw Elliot watching me being cautious so he started walking over to me and we both waited until he was gone.

“He’s not going to do anything when I’m around,” he tells me as he reaches for my hand.

I held his hand for a second before slowly pulling away. “We don’t know that… He could still try something.”

“So, I’ll stop him.” He said and we started making our way out of the school grounds.

“You can’t always be there like a knight or superhero,” I commented.

“I can try.”

I rolled my eyes at him as I waited for him to unlock the car and when I got inside I turned to him again. “That’s what I worry about.”

“What?”

“You always be there like I need someone to always help me, but it can’t always be like that,” I said. “I know how it is when you want someone there for you, but it just doesn’t happen… They can’t always be there.”

Elliot started his car and waited for it to warm up. “But that was then so it’s different to how it is now. You have more people that would be there for you so why can’t you ask for help?”

I didn’t say anything for a second and I can tell he was curious about how I would respond. “I don’t know how to… I just forget that I can do that.”

“And that’s fine,” he said as he finally started driving. “But you also have to remind yourself about the people you have now. Stop with these thoughts that you have to deal with things alone.”

I paused for a second before turning back to him again. “Hey, would you hang out with me during lunch tomorrow?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Don’t I always?”

I smiled, “No, not always. But tomorrow Jennifer and her friends want to introduce me to some of their group of friends during lunch…”

“And you don’t want to go alone?” he asked.

“Yeah… But I also don’t want you to show off either if you come with me.” I added in as I looked down at my hands as I reached out to hold his.

I can hear him laugh, “When do I show off?”

“All the time,” I answered.

He finally came to my house and parked so he could face me. “What?” he asked, confused.

I couldn't look at him and I shrugged my shoulders letting go of his hand.

“There’s more. Come on, you can tell me,” he said.

I sighed, “All the girls are just excited if you do come and you're always witty with the things you say.”

Elliot stayed quiet before reaching out to hold my hand again and I let him. “So I’m witty… Are you saying that you're jealous when I’m with them?”

I didn’t say anything.

“There’s no reason for you to be. I’m going out with you and if you don’t want me to talk to them then I won’t.” he insures me.

“I’m not saying that you can’t join the group,” I said turning to him.

He smiled, “I know, but if you're worried that they’ll take me away. It won’t. I’m with you.”

I looked at him for a long minute before sitting back in my seat and looked down away from him, “There’s been a few occasions where Chris would make me go to those wild house parties we talked about last time… I never liked going because they would always be drinking and getting high… He would always end up leaving me alone for countless hours and I know he was sleeping with other people during that time. It caused a bit of a dispute between us and that led from one thing to another; like a few arguments.”

Elliot didn’t say anything as he listened to me.

“Maybe I am jealous, but that’s because I feel like you might still change on how you feel about me and you could just leave me for a girl that comes your way... But I have no right to stop you either if that happens.” I continued. “I’ve seen how people make you think they are interested in you when they’re not and they just leave you in the end. I never thought of it as anything else if that were to happen.”

Elliot still didn’t say anything and I wasn’t sure what else to say. There was a long silence until he sighed and was curious if I said something that I shouldn’t have.

“I don’t think I’ll change my mind because all I want to do is just be with you.” He tells me and I can see his jaw clenched as he tries to find the words to say. “What he did is not what you're supposed to do when you have a partner; a real relationship. I’m just upset that you had to go through all that and having to limit yourself afterwards or have these types of views.”

I sighed as I tried to explain. “I know. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but I was scared too. I guess I got used to just being there when he needed me and how things were going like it was all natural. Like I said, it wasn’t like that before, but in the end I realized that he wasn’t interested in just me. I knew that he might not be gay, like me, but I saw him look at girls and it’s the same for you too.”

“And? I told you that there aren't any girls that I was interested in when you tried to put me with Jennifer. You didn’t have to push me with a girl if you think it was better for me when you didn’t consider my feelings as well.” he tells me. “Also, that’s fucked up for him to be using you like that. The more you tell me about him, the more I get ticked off at what he’s done. I just never met someone who had a mind like that and believed that what he was doing was right. It’s not.”

I didn’t say anything for a second and leaned my head back against the headrest.

“Remember that friend I said that I miss?” I ask him.

“Yeah?”

“I said we had a fallout… He was trying to help me, but it just went all wrong and I couldn’t do it. It made him angry.” I tell him. “He was angry that he just gave up in the end and soon after things got worse for me… I couldn’t bring myself to trust people or be open with them.”

I can see the curiosity on his face and I don't know what to say for a second.

“Wouldn’t you want to make up with him?” he asked.

“Maybe… But I don’t know if he’ll hear me out.” I answered. “I messed up.”

“I think that if you ever see him again you should try to reach out. It would eat up on me if I didn’t say something if I were two cross paths with an old friend.” he tells me.

I didn’t say anything for a long minute before turning to him. “But will he want to listen? He stopped talking to me and everything afterward… I left just a few months after and I heard he moved too.”

Elliot paused for a second before asking, “Was this before your suicide?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “After that fight between us, my relationship with Chris became worse and he wasn’t around anymore. I sometimes wonder if he blames himself or was hurt if he heard what I did.”

“So that’s why you can’t face him?” he asked.

“Yeah, I hope he doesn’t blame himself for it as well. Mostly because he did try to help me and I couldn’t go with him. I couldn’t take that step with him before things got worse.” I said.