Chapter 22

Logan

Ella watches me intently as I carve out a doorway to our sandcastle. I scoop the sand out from the indentations and toss it behind me. I glance at her to see her little pink tongue stuck out the side of her mouth. Her whole face lights up with a big smile. Her smile is infectious. “Now you make the big walls, daddy,” she says. “I’ll go get some more seashells,” she says and runs off with her dark green bucket. I smile a little as she inspects all the tiny shells along the beach. She’s unmissable in her bright yellow swimsuit and pink flip flops.

“You make cute as hell babies,” I hear Carl say. I look at him to see both he and David are watching us. They both sit down and start to help me.

“I think that’s Megan,” I tell him as I do as my 4-year-old daughter instructed me.

“Speaking of Megan,” he says. I look at him to see him nod behind me. I look to see her walking down from the house in a yellow bikini towards Courtney, who hasn’t moved from her sunbathing spot since we got on the beach. Yasmin and Lorraine are with her too. Megan is holding towels, and Yasmin and Lorraine are holding a basket.

Looking at Megan now, you wouldn’t think she was drowning her sorrows in the early hours of this morning. I watch as she ties her long chocolate waves into a high ponytail. She then starts to lay out each of the towels. I can’t take my eyes off her body. All the slender dips and curves of her that I’ve never seen on her before. She’s beautiful. “I think we’ve lost him,” I hear David say. I blink and turn to look at him.

“What?” I ask. Carl chuckles and shakes his head.

“Daddy,” I hear Ella call. I’m still not used to hearing her say that. But, this morning, when she called me it, I thought I heard things. Last night she told me for the first time that she loves me, and today she calls me daddy. I couldn’t be happier right now. “Look,” she says and runs towards me with a giant shell in her hands. I raise an eyebrow as I see the excitement on her face. “There’s something in it,” she tells me. “Look,” she says, holding it out to me. I take the shell from her and look to see she’s correct. “What is it?” she asks as she presses in close to look with me.

“It’s a hermit crab,” I tell her. She looks at me and frowns. “We have to put it back,”

“Is that what it’s really called?” she asks.

“It has another name; Paguroidea,” I tell her.

“Pagodear,” she says, and I shake my head. She huffs at me and frowns.

“Pag,” I start, and she repeats, “You-Roy-dea,” I sound out. She follows along and then smiles as she repeats it.

“Why is it in the shell?” she asks.

“That’s its home. It uses the shell for protection because its back isn’t solid and is vulnerable, so it climbs into a shell to protect itself,”

“Oh, why isn’t it born with a shell?”

“I’m not sure. I guess that it hadn’t evolved enough for its surroundings. So like humans, it’s had to adapt instead,” I explain. “We should put it back where you found it,” I tell her and get up to allow her to show me where she found the little creature.

“Can’t I keep it, Daddy?” she asks.

“No, it belongs here,”

“But, I found it,” she says while sticking her bottom lip out. I smile a little and notice the patch of sand she had dug to find it. I place the creature back on the sand and move the wet sand around it.

“Think of it like this. If someone found you, would it be ok for them to pick you up and take you home to keep you as a pet when you have a home already?” I ask her. She shakes her head.

“But I’m not a pet,” she whines.

“Neither is this little guy,” I sigh and move my hand to hers. “It would be cruel to take it from here. It would be taken from its friends, family and home to live in a tiny tank and would probably die very quickly,” I pause and make her look me in the eyes as she looks down to sulk. “You’re not cruel, are you?” I ask. She shakes her head and sniffles a little as she cries.

“No, Daddy,” she gives the hermit crab a longing look then looks back at me. “Will it be safe here?” she asks.

“I imagine so. Say bye,” I tell her.

“Bye, bye,” she says and gives it a little wave.

We make our way back to the sandcastle we’re building. David and Carl are making good progress on the castle walls. Never in my life would I see David building a sandcastle or in swimming shorts on a beach. This is a whole side of him I’ve never seen. “We need to build a river around it,” Ella says. I frown at her as I sit down. “All castles have a river around it,”

“A moat?” I ask.

“A river,”

“It’s a moat,” I tell her. She frowns and rubs her sand-covered hands on her swimming costume to rid the sand.

“Will the Dragons like a moat?” she asks.

“Wait, is this a castle for dragons?” Carl asks.

“Yeah, for big scary dragons,” Ella says.

“Do these dragons breathe fire?” David asks.

“Yeah,” she says with a grin. “Like this,” she says and roars while making claws with her hands. I chuckle, and Carl acts like he’s dodging the fire. “You’re so silly, uncle Carl,” she says after roaring.

“Sorry, I really thought you were a dragon,”

“Really?” she asks. He nods, and her face lights up, and she roars again at him.

The sandcastle is forgotten about as she chases Carl around the beach, pretending to be a dragon. I don’t think I’ve felt this content in a long time. Everything seems right. Megan and I may not be together right now but having her in my life is all I can ask for. Ella means the world to us both, and as long as she is happy, that is what matters.

“You’re doing well with her,” I hear David tell me. I look away from Ella and Carl playing to David. He’s watching Ella too. “I knew you would; I just thought you’d want to hear that you are,” he says and then looks at me. “Regardless of how this relationship started, you’re a good dad, and you should be proud of yourself,”

“Thanks,” is all I can say. He knows I don’t take compliments very well, but he is right. To hear from him that I am a good dad means a lot to me. I glance at Megan to see her putting sun-lotion on.

“What happened between you two last night?” he asks.

“She got drunk and tried it on with me. So, of course, I rejected her, but only because she was drunk and upset,” I say quickly. “She doesn’t remember,” I add calmly.

“I see,” he says and then looks back at me. “She remembers,” he says with a small smile. I frown and watch as Megan stands up once she has finished putting sun lotion on. If she remembers, what does that mean? Is she annoyed with me for rejecting her or upset at what she had done and said?

“Ella,” she calls. Ella looks up from pinning Carl down on the beach at her. Megan frowns, and I can see she’s trying not to laugh. “What are you doing?”

“I’m a dragon, and I caught uncle Carl,” Ella says like it’s the most normal thing.

“Oh, ok,”

“Now I’m tickling him,” she says and tries to tickle his neck.

“Ok, well, come and put some suncream on,”

“Aww but, Mommy,”

“I don’t care; Dragons can burn in the sun too,” she says.

“Fine,” Ella huffs and climbs off Carl to then run towards Megan. Carl gets up and walks back towards us.

“Who knew 4-year-olds were so strong,” he says as we walk towards the girls.

“You’re just weak,” David tells him, making Carl frown at him, and I chuckle.

The night goes on without any mishap. Megan hasn’t mentioned last night or what had happened in the early hours of this morning. She’s not avoiding me, which is good, but she hasn’t wanted to be near me. When we set up the fire to make smores on, I’d sat next to her, and she got up within a few minutes, saying she needed the toilet. That would have been fine if it wasn’t her choice of seating when she got back. But, instead, she decided to sit on the floor when her seat was still available. A part of me finds it a little funny that she feels this awkward around me.

Ella had fallen asleep on me with a s’more in her hand. Lorraine and David wanted to put her to bed, and I wasn’t complaining. But it meant they’d have to wake her up and then clean her up. One thing I’ve noticed Ella has a tantrum when she gets woken up too soon. It’s like she’s a different child. She might be different with them two. Megan had made a small joke regarding them taking her. Something along the lines of it’s their funeral. “How much did you make last night?” Megan asks Yasmin and Courtney as she adds another lump of wood before poking the fire. The conversation had turned to something about the club.

“Just a little over 1800,” Courtney says.

“Same,” Yasmin adds.

“Damn, wish I was working,”

“If you were working, we wouldn’t have got that,” Yasmin says, making Megan smile.

“How much do you roughly make a week?” Carl asks.

“Easily over 6k,” Megan replies. “Depends, the end of month weeks I make more,” she adds.

“Same,” Yasmin and Courtney state.

“Apart from the money, what made you get into it?” I ask. I’m not going to lie; I try my best not to talk about her job because when I do, I get annoyed and angry at myself. Not talking about it makes me think of her doing something different. So I guess it’s my way of dealing with it.

“I was a waitress first. Then, one day a lot of the girls had phoned in sick. Courtney told Elena about my gymnastic training and told her I’d be good. I wasn’t so sure, I only had to dance for half an hour, and it was the scariest, most exhilarating 30 minutes of my life. It was exciting, and I enjoyed the power that came with it. I made more that night than I’d ever made as a waitress. The first time I did a lap dance, I nearly threw up from nerves, but Elena told me to remember no one knows it’s me. I’m in a mask, and the anonymity is powerful,” she explains.

“When you’re on stage or giving a lap dance, you take on a different persona. It’s fun, and no one that comes in cares about your past or what you’re going through. There’s no judgment, and it’s the easy money,” “Courtney adds.

“Do you go fully nude?” Carl asks.

“No,” Megan says, and Courtney and Yasmin both shake their heads. “I’ll go topless depending on the client that I‘m giving the lapdance to”, she adds. At that, I try my best not to show the emotion I feel at hearing that. It’s her choice; I have to tell myself.

“Unless your Courtney, who will if it’s someone she has a thing for,” Yasmin says.

“It happened once,” she snaps with a small smile and takes a sip of her beer.

“What?” I ask.

“A rapper I like came into the club for his birthday, he had booked the platinum package, and well I was excited, I got to meet him, and well, I don’t usually allow touching, but heck, I’d let him touch me wherever he wanted,” she says dreamily. I and Carl both chuckle. “Hey, don’t laugh,” she tells Megan, “at least I didn’t kiss the new boss,” she says, and Megan sighs and shakes her head.

“I am never going to live that down,”

“She’s slept with both of them,” Yasmin says, and an awkward silence fills the atmosphere. “In fact, she’s slept with everyone here but me,” I frown and look at Megan to see her finding her drink the most entertaining thing here.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Yasmin,” Courtney warns.

“A threesome,” Yasmin states and Megan chokes on her drink. “Carl, Courtney and Megan,” she clarifies. I look at all three, and then I chuckle.

“Seriously?” I ask Carl. He shrugs with a nod. I look at Megan to see her cheeks have gone red, and she looks like if she could run and hide now, she would. “Wow,” I say, leaning back in my chair.

“Don’t be jealous,” Courtney states with a slight smirk. “Like Yasmin,” she adds.

“Can we change the subject?” Megan asks.

“No,” Courtney says and turns to Yasmin. “What’s your problem? So we’ve had a threesome a few times. What’s the problem. We were all single. Are you annoyed because Megan had a threesome or that Carl has slept with everyone here?” She asks her.

“Courtney,” Megan warns softly.

“Urm, he hasn’t slept with me,” I point out.

“Not without trying,” Carl adds on, and Megan smiles at that.

“He’s seen you naked,” Courtney points out. “I bet you two have had your fair share of threesomes,”

“And then some,” Carl clarifies.

“So what is it?” she asks Yasmin. Yasmin is seething, she was in a mood earlier, but I guess the alcohol has heightened her anger. She abruptly stands up, tells Courtney to do herself explicitly and staggers away from our little group around the bonfire.

Megan watches Yasmin with concern; I notice Carl does too. But I guess they now realise that their relationship has hurt her. This is a storm I don’t want to be in the middle of. “Maybe we should see if she’s ok,” Megan says to Courtney.

“No, she’s drunk and is angry at Carl, not us,”

“What did I do?” He asks.

“Everyone apparently,” I say, and Courtney laughs. “So, have you had any other sexual experiences?” I ask Megan. She looks shocked by my question. I watch as she stutters over what she wants to say. Her mouth opens and then closes and then opens again.

“No,” she settles on, and I chuckle.

“Daniel,” Courtney says. I look at her, and so does Megan.

“Courtney, please shut up,” Megan says.

“Is Daniel hot?” Carl asks.

“He’s alright, we got drunk at a Xmas party, and that ended with a threesome,” she says.

“Oh god, kill me now,” Megan mutters to herself as she looks up at the sky. I laugh in response and down the beer I’m drinking.

“It doesn’t bother me. Sex can be a good release, and experimentation is what helps you know what you like,” I tell her. She narrows her eyes at Courtney, silently telling her not to talk.

“She experiments alright,” Courtney adds with a smirk.

“Courtney, I swear I will kill you while you sleep if you don’t shut up,” Megan threatens.

“Why? What do you like?” Carl asks.

“I need alcohol for this conversation,” Megan tells us.

“Not Vanilla,” Courtney informs. Megan sighs and looks up at the night sky as her cheeks take on a pinker colour. I smile a little and decide to save her from this conversation.

“Can I talk to you about something?” I ask her. She looks at me and then at Courtney.

“Urm...yeah, sure,” she says. I stand up and hold my hand out to her. Her feminine, delicate hand slides into mine as she pulls herself up. She gives me a small smile and then slowly lets go of my hand. I glance back at Carl and Courtney as Megan leads me back to the house. Carl tilts his beer at me.

“Have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,”

“There’s nothing you wouldn’t do,” Megan calls back.

“Not with Logan,” she calls back, and Megan shakes her head while laughing. I walk with her up the steps and then move her towards the seating area near the pool. The lights come on, kicking the heater on too. I sit down next to her on the two-seaters.

“What Yasmin said down there, it just kind of happened the first time,” she states nervously. “I don’t really know how the other times happened,” she mutters.

“It’s fine. I’m not bothered. I didn’t stay celibate when I moved,” I confess.

“I know; I just don’t think you want to hear about who I sleep with,” she tells me.

“True,” I say and look towards the sea. How do I tell her about this morning? That it’s ok, and I feel the same about her; that if I didn’t love her, everything would be easier, I could move on and find someone else.

“What did you want to talk about?” she asks. I look at her. She’s beautiful, and she’s matured so wonderfully. Her body, even her personality, the way she carries herself is magnetic. The strength she has amazes me.

“This morning-”

“Oh god, I’m sorry about that,” she tells me as she moves her hands to her face. “I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know what came over me, well I do, sexual frustration and the last few times I’ve had sex was just horrendous,” she stops as I stare at her. “That was too much information,” she says, and I watch as her face goes red again. I smile at her, so she remembers coming onto me. Does that mean she remembers the things she said?

“Sexual frustration,” I say to her.

“Well yeah,” she says and then sighs. “Probably not. We both know that there’s tension between us,”

“There’s bound to be,” I tell her. “But you coming onto me isn’t the only thing I wanted to tell you,”

“Oh no, what else did I do?” she asks.

“Ok,” I say slowly as I try to think of the best way to tell her. “You got emotional and told me a few things,” I say cautiously.

“Like what?” her voice is barely above a whisper.

“That you’ve not had a boyfriend since me, that you didn’t want to introduce a man to Ella because you wanted me to be the first,” I tell her. She nods and then looks out at the ocean. “You also told me your angry at yourself, for still loving me, that you know you’ll let me in and asked me not to hurt you when you do. That you can’t hate me,” I explain. She moves her hands through her hair and then stands up.

“I basically told you things I’ve never told anyone,” she says.

“It’s ok, I actually-” she cuts me off.

“How the hell is it ok? This is not ok. I am telling you how I truly feel about you like some pathetic single mother who is still waiting for her baby daddy to make her life complete. God, I could not be any more pitiful,” she cries as she walks away from me.

“No, Megan,” I go to comfort her.

“Don’t touch me,” she snaps. “Just pretend I never said any of that. Make my life and yours easier and forget what I said,” she states and then walks away from me in anger. I sigh heavily. How did that turn around on me so quickly? I can understand her upset. She’d bared her true feeling, opened herself up to me and showed me the wound she’s carrying that I caused her. That is something you don’t want anyone to know. I didn’t tell her to hurt her; I told her because I love her. If she is that vulnerable with me, then I want to be just as vulnerable. Hiding my feelings from her was how we got to where we are.

After about half an hour, I stand up from my seat and decide to talk to Megan again. She told me how much I hurt her, what I had done to her. I can’t forget what she said.

Once at her bedroom door, I quietly knock and wait for a few heartbeats. Finally, her bedroom door opens, and she looks at me. Her face is set in stone as she glares at me. She’s dressed in a pale blue silk and black lace slip nightie that comes to her mid-thigh. “What do you want?” she asks, folding her arms. I take in her damp hair and the fresh scent of shower gel.

“Can I come in?” I ask. She looks like she’s about to say no when we hear Courtney and Carl come into the house. She sighs and turns to the side, opening the door wider for me to come in. I walk in and shut the door behind me. “Where’s Ella?” I ask once I notice she’s not in here.

“With Lorraine and David, I’m guessing she asked to sleep with them,” she tells me. She sits on the bed and looks at me. “What do you want, Logan?” she asks. I sigh and sit down next to her.

“I can’t forget what you said to me. Just hear me out, please,” I say when I notice her ready to object to what I’m saying. “I understand why you’re upset, but I only told you what you said because I need you to know how I feel. I’m not telling you to get you to be with me. I know that isn’t on the cards for us right now. The thing is, I love you. I’m always going to love you. You mean everything to me, and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in therapy is that hiding how I’m feeling isn’t good for me; keeping it in just makes me do stupid shit. That overdose, I took heroin because I’m a coward, and I was scared.

“Growing up, my parents weren’t the best role models on what a parent should and shouldn’t do. The pressure they would put on me was exhausting, and the beatings I’d get from my father for not accomplishing the goals he set out for me. I never in my life thought I’d be a good dad or even a bad dad, but after I detoxed and I actually thought about being a dad, I started to get scared. The day of that barbeque, James, Carl and Eric kept telling me things would change once the baby would be born. Eric and David told me I need to be ready, that children are a challenge, and I just felt this immense pressure. I started to feel how I felt when I was younger—this sense of panic and dread. I knew I couldn’t tell you, not with how scared you were about everything. I’d never been in a position where I didn’t know what I was doing or a subject that I didn’t know anything about. Whenever I could, I’d read up on babies, I spiralled. I would read articles all night and read reviews of products suggested on different parenting forums, and it all just became too much. So much of it contradicted itself. I was trying to know the answers, not just for myself but for you as well. I wanted to answer any problem that came forward for us so that you didn’t worry.

“I know now that it was impossible, but at the time, I didn’t. I wanted everything just to stop. Everything that was going through my mind to end. I felt like I’d failed you, and I couldn’t handle that, so I….” I pause and take a shaky breath. I have only told one person this, and that was my therapist. I look at Megan to see the tears in her eyes. I gulp and look down. “Please don’t hate me,” I beg. “I overdosed on purpose,” my voice cracks as I confess. “I loaded that syringe knowing it was too much for my body to handle,” I let out a calming breath. “If you hadn’t found me,” I shake my head and look away from her. “I’m ashamed, and that’s why I didn’t come back when I got clean. I knew what I’d done was unforgivable,” I look at her to see her wipe her cheeks. I watch her stand up and take her silk robe from the door, and put it on. She walks to the bedside table. I hadn’t even noticed the bottle of whiskey or the glass with ice inside on the side. She pours a measure of whiskey and hands it to me.

“I’ll be back,” she says and walks out of the room.