XXVI. Away-2

I knew what I wanted to do. It had been on my mind all day, all week even. And I couldn't think of a better way to convince Shea that I was all in, and that I wasn't going anywhere, and that he could trust me. My own room had been quickly occupied by the sounds that were coming through the door, so I couldn't go inside and change, in hopes that Cece had perhaps brought something nice for me to wear in the end, but I wasn't about to interrupt. It didn't matter. I was just me. I swallowed, taking a deep breath, and found every ounce of gumption that I had within myself as I set off towards Shea's room. I walked past several rooms that had students falling in and out of them. I saw people making out, and I could smell the alcohol that some had managed to procure. Holy shit! Josh and Zoey. His door had just slammed closed, but they were together. I kept moving. Jamie had mentioned earlier today that he and Shea were in room 1228, which was significant as that was his birthday. I followed the signs as they directed me towards those numbered rooms. This corridor was just as loud, as most of the senior boys where roomed here. I watched as the shiny silver numbers climbed higher and higher as I made my way down the hall. 1220, 22, 24, 26 … and 1228. My heart was hammering in my chest. I could do this. I could do this, I kept repeating to myself. I was so nervous, and I had never felt more vulnerable or exposed in my life, and I hadn't even knocked on the door yet. The enormity of what I was about to do wasn't lost on me. I just wanted Shea to understand how much I loved him, and how he didn't need to worry about me. Before I could even knock, the door swung open. I assumed that he could hear my heartbeat from inside. Shea frowned as he looked down at me, which hadn't been the reaction I was expecting. He then stuck his head out into the corridor and looked both ways. "Did you walk here by yourself?" he demanded to know. Odd question. "Yeah." "Goddammit, Cece," he cursed under his breath. "She's supposed to be watching you tonight." Because that wasn't creepy. But I knew why he was worried. "Are you going to make me stand out here all night?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound as confident and as smooth as possible. Shea snapped out of his annoyance and softened, opening the door wider for me. I walked past him and closed my eyes to control my breathing and my pulse just as soon as he couldn't see my face. But, of course, he could hear it. My pulse was erratic as I kept up the nerve to go through with my plan. I had never been more nervous in my life. "Sara," he murmured, placing a large hand on my upper arm and turning me to face him. I gulped. Shea scrutinised me intently, surveying my every micro-expression with his inquisitive brown eyes. "What's wrong?" "It really bothered me, what you said earlier," I replied, surprised at the conviction in my voice. "What did I say?" "That I shouldn't make promises that I can't keep." "Oh," Shea said, exhaling. He ran his hand over his jaw as if he was pondering what to say next. I didn't want him to explain anything to me. I didn't want him to tell me that I was human, and my feelings weren't the same. I didn't want him to justify himself. I didn't want him to do anything. I had come here to show him how I felt. To show him that I trusted him. To show him that he could trust me. To show him that he could believe me when I told him that I loved him. With every bit of confidence that I had in me veins, I stood up on my toes and kissed him. I took him by surprise, so much so that he staggered back a little before recovering his footing. It only took him a second before he was reciprocating, deepening the kiss. My heart took off as I felt his mouth open, and his tongue moving with mine. My hands, which never ventured anywhere other than around his neck when we kissed, travelled down his torso to the hem of his t-shirt. Shea responded enthusiastically, helping me to remove his shirt, barely breaking our kiss. His fingers knotted themselves in my hair, his other hand on my back as he held me close. My hands bravely travelled across his chest, feeling the unnatural strength in his muscles. The heat was unlike anything else. Shea moved to kiss my neck, and murmured, "Sara, are you sure?" in my ear. "Yes," I confirmed, in an embarrassingly out-of-breath voice. "I want to show you that I love you, that you can believe me when I say I won't leave." And just like that, Shea stopped. He pulled away from me, though his eyes were wild. My heart immediately dropped, and I felt a sense of humiliation creeping in. All the confidence I had mustered was quickly flying out the tiny hotel room window, and I felt like a stupid girl who didn't know anything. "Sara, I don't want you to prove anything to me. You shouldn't be doing this to prove anything to me." I felt like the biggest fool. All sense of rational thought escaped me as I just felt like the biggest idiot there ever was. I had just majorly put myself out there and I had been slapped in the face with rejection and embarrassment. "I need some air," I stammered, quickly moving towards the door. "Let me come with you," Shea offered. "No!" I cried out immediately. The last thing I wanted was for him to comfort me about this."Just give me a minute!" And I ran. I sprinted down the hallway, barely breathing. I was too impatient to wait for the elevator, so I opened up the door to the stairwell and ran down them, taking them two, three at a time. I pushed open the heavy emergency door and let myself out into the parking lot. The cool November air hit me straight away, and I filled my lungs with it. My mind was still racing too fast for me to coherently process what had just happened. All I could concentrate on was the constant feelings of humiliation and dread that were currently taking up residence in my very soul. And because I didn't know what else to do, I started to cry. Had I not been a complete idiot, and been sobbing erratically, I might've heard the footsteps behind me. But I didn't. I only felt a prick in my neck before my world went black.