Chapter 8

The day passed like a breeze until it was time for Hana to go. We hadn't talked much about the pregnancy because I was trying to avoid it. It had been so long since we had spent so much time with each other, especially because of my job and I was thankful that all this had happened.

I had to face my fears when I was all alone. I could barely sleep. I knew I had a lot of options. I wasn't far gone that I couldn't get an abortion. And I had thought about this option a lot. It wasn't that I didn't want a baby. It was just the timing.

I was aiming for a promotion. I had been working so hard for it. And I sensed that I was about to get one, if I out in enough hours. But a pregnancy was going to push all that back. I was going to have to start leaving the office at normal times. Not counting the maternity leave I would have to take.

But the thought of parting with the baby. I sighed. I hadn't gotten myself attached to it yet. But I knew it was inevitable. And once I got attached, there was no way I would want to get rid of it. How do you get rid of something you love?

I tried to banish the thoughts off my mind and sleep, but it was very difficult to. I ended up sleeping at 4 am which was why I was sporting dark circles underneath my eyes. I didn't even have the time to mask them with makeup.

"You look tired," I heard a voice say. I looked up. It was Pascal. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I know I looked tired. I had seen evidence of that in my mirror.

"I know," I said shortly, then I let out a deep breath. I looked up at Pascal and he looked a little disappointed. I immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, Pascal. I'm in a terrible mood."

"Want to make it up to me and come get lunch with me?" he asked jokingly, but I knew he was serious.

"Sure. Let me pack up."

We walked out of the building in silence as soon as I was done packing up at my desk. I didn't know what to say. Pascal kept looking at me, and every time I thought he was going to say something, he closed his mouth.

"So where are we heading?" I asked, trying to break the awkward silence. It was usually very easy to talk with him. I didn't know why today was different.

"The cafe I always get my food from. They have amazing sandwiches. Also, it's not very far from here."

"Lead the way then," I said with a smile. He returned my smile. Then opened his mouth to say something and closed it again.

I sighed. "Just say whatever you want to say, Pascal."

"I…I just…You look beautiful Ava." He said it so sincerely that I blushed despite myself.

"Thank you," I mumbled, then looked up at him and smiled. Pascal smiled back. And I felt like something had shifted in our relationship. We weren't just co-workers and friends anymore. But we weren't anything more. I just didn't know what exactly we were.

***

"Thank you for lunch," I said to Pascal. He had insisted on paying, even though he had said it was my treat to make up for my rudeness. I didn't want him to pay. It made it feel too much like a date. But he had been so adamant.

"Thank you," he said simply, then he faced me. It was like he was contemplating his next move, and after a few seconds on indecision, he moved into my space and hugged me. I blushed and returned the hug awkwardly.

"See you later," he said, and I nodded.

I sighed and sat at my desk. I had sensed a shift yes, but I was still of the opinion that having anything with Pascal would end up being a mistake. We couldn't ruin that friendship that we already had. And there was also the issue of the baby I was carrying, and the fact that I hadn't decided what to do yet.

I had to come to a decision quick. I knew that. But it was easier said than done.

***

I came back home to the appetizing flavors. I had never been one to have much of an appetite, especially since I had already eaten quite substantially at lunch, but my stomach growled. It was the new life in me causing these changes. And the changes were coming in more ways than I expected. I didn't think I was ready for them.

I walked to the kitchen and hugged Hana who was standing at the island. She really didn't have to, but I appreciated the fact that she was here and that she had made me food. I didn't know what I would do without her, if I was being honest.

"Hi babes," I said, going to the fridge and taking out a bottle of water.

"Hey," Hana said, smiling warmly at me. "How was work?"

"It was good," I answered, then I burst into laughter because of how we sounded. "We sound like an old married couple."

"We are married. We just need to sign the papers, Hana joked, and we laughed.

"How are you?" she asked seriously, when the playful moment had passed. I sighed a little.

"I'm okay. I have come to terms with everything I guess, the fact that I am pregnant. I just…I don't know where I am going to go from here. I do know I have choices. But I don't know. I guess I don't want to make the wrong choice," I said with a sigh.

Hana nodded. "I understand. Maybe it's best for you to stop thinking about it."

"I honestly wish I could stop thinking about it, Hana. I wish I could. It's honestly the only thought that is running through my mind. I don't know what to do, really."

I sighed and placed my head on the counters, staring at her as she worked. I envied her so much right now. I wasn't jealous of her. Quite the contrary. I was proud of my best friend. But I just wish my life was as uncomplicated as hers was in the moment. Her business was successful, and she didn't have the burden of deciding what the fuck to do with an unplanned pregnancy.

"It'll be fine. You'll make the right decision. I trust you," she said, then came over to me and hugged me.

I fought the urge to cry, which was what I had been doing for a while now. My emotions were all over, and I was doing things I would never have done if I wasn't pregnant. In the end, I couldn't help the tears, sniffling as I wiped them.

Hana pulled away urgently and looked at me. "Why are you crying?" she asked in horror. The look on her face would have been so funny if I wasn't crying already.

"I don't know," I said, wiping my tears, "You're just so supportive and I love you for that. Thank you."

She hugged me again. "You don't even have to thank me. You're my best friend, my sister. I have to take care of you. Don't even joke."

I laughed and held on to her even tighter. "Babes, maybe you should let me go so I check on the meal," Hana said, and I laughed then let go of her.

I wiped my tears and took a drink of my water. I looked at Hana again and then she said, "Don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to make any decision right away, okay? Don't stress yourself. Okay?

I nodded. "Thank you. And I won't," I reassured her. Or I would try as much as possible not to.

The meal was so different from the one we had shared the previous day. It was chattier. It was almost as if Hana was buttering me up. I paid no mind to my thoughts though. I couldn't think of anything she would want to ask of me, anyways.

"Paul told me you and he hit off the other time, but you didn't talk about it," she commented curiously.

"Hit off? Who is Paul?" I asked, a little confused. Who the hell was Paul and why was she asking me about him?

"Paul? The dude I set you up with about a month ago?" Realization dawned on me, and I blushed, mortified by the fact that I had forgotten the dude's name.

"He told you we hit off?" That was weird. The conversation had been stilted and awkward. So I didn't understand why he would say we hit off.

"Yes?" It was Hana's turn to be confused. Then all of a sudden, she got a horrified expression on her face. "Oh my God, he said he had lost your number, so I gave it to him!"

"It's fine," I shrugged. And it was. It wasn't going to be hard at all to ignore him. So I didn't mind much.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to stress. Especially now that you are…you know." Hana was silent then she asked, "Are we allowed to say the word now?" she asked.

"What word? Pregnant?"

"Yes. Are we allowed to?"

"Sure," was my amused reply. This girl was a clown. She asked the dumbest questions sometimes.

"Let me clean this up since you cooked. I'll meet you in the living room. And don't try to argue with me."

Hana lifted her hands and walked towards the living room. I heard the TV turn on and I started cleaning up. My thoughts went to Paul. Why would he tell Hana that we had hit off? It was so creepy, especially since I remembered that he had assured me that we would be meeting again.

I sighed. I just hoped it was a bluff because the last thing I needed was someone to come and create more chaos in my already disorganized life. I finished cleaning up and as soon as I walked into the living room, Hana looked up at me. I gave her a smile, one I knew was tired.

I sat next to her, and we stayed like that, both of us in silence. "You know, it's really hard thinking about all this. I keep thinking how I could have avoided this situation by just doing one thing, insisting he wore a condom. Like one tiny action like that actually had such a huge impact in my life."

Hana didn't say a word, not that I expected her to. She knew that I had a lot on my chest and that I wanted to let it out.

"I didn't want to come to terms with this pregnancy. If I'm being honest, a tiny part of me was hoping that it would turn out to be just a dream." I sighed. "But all that was wishful thinking. Then I realized that it was of no use hiding from reality. I mean, I have to make a big decision about the baby. Hiding behind the shock factor is useless."

"I am glad," Hana said, then she pulled me in and hugged me. "I'm so glad that you've realized this. I've never been in this position, but I understand you. I hope you make a decision that you won't end up regretting. And remember that I will always support you, no matter what you do."

I wiped the tears that had fallen silently and burrowed my body in Hana's. "I love you," I said hoarsely.

"I love you too baby," she responded. The silence this time was even more peaceful that the ones we had shared with each other.

"I'm keeping this baby," I said suddenly.

"You are?" There was definitely an excited note in her voice. I knew she was going to support me even if I had said I was going to have an abortion. But I knew she was excited for this.

"Yes. I mean, so what if the baby wasn't part of my plans. They won't stop me from getting a promotion, just make me work harder. Besides, I have you right? I'll be fine."

"Of course," she said, "You'll always have me. But Ava?"

I already knew from Hana's hesitant tone that she might ask me something I wasn't ready to answer. But I hummed anyways, letting her know I was listening.

"I don't want to be that person, but what about him? The baby's father? Are you going to tell him?"

I sighed when I heard her question. Not because it was a stupid one. Quite the contrary. It was a good one. I didn't know this man from Adam, but we had conceived a baby. I knew his name and I had his apartment address. There was nothing stopping me from going up to him and telling him he was the father of the baby I was carrying…nothing except my pride.

"I don't know. I mean, I don't want my baby to grow up without a father. And I wouldn't want him to find out way later that I had kept this sort of information from him. I'll see, I guess. When I am ready for confrontation, then I'll tell him."

"Confrontation?"

"I mean, yeah. A random girl you slept with some time ago comes up to you and tells you she is carrying your child? Wouldn't there be some sort of confrontation?" I asked, rolling my eyes at Hana. And she said I was slow.

"Oh. Well, he better accept you and that baby, if not there'll be hell to pay from my side."

I laughed. "And what are you going to do to him?"

"I'm going to knock some sense into him. Wait and see."

"Girl, you're 5'4. The only thing you'll be knocking is knocking yourself out when you see just how big he is," I said, laughing. My best friend was a nut case.

"Oh, did you say big? Wait you never did give me details about this man!" Hana exclaimed loudly.

"That's because you didn't ask."

"So I have to ask you to tell me things now?"

"Of course not! You know I tell you everything," I replied, trying to keep my laughs at bay.

"Then why do I have to ask you about this dude?"

I laughed as I started to justify myself. I loved this girl so much. And even though it didn't seem much like it, I was happy. Maybe this baby would ground me and bring what I had been searching for a long time—stability. I knew it wasn't going to be easy—especially if Logan Sanders refused to acknowledge the baby. But I already knew I was going to do just fine.