Chapter 7

"Pregnant."

I stared at the doctor in surprise. This had to be some kind of joke. I couldn't be pregnant. I was on the pill. And I made sure to take it diligently. The last thing I could be was "pregnant."

"What do you mean pregnant, doctor. Aren't you sure you made some kind of mistake? Are you even sure the blood test is mine? The results? Are you sure they are mine?" I was frantic at this point.

"Miss Summers, really there is no need to panic." It was the woman who looked confused now. I didn't care. It served her right for assuming I would be fine with a baby without even knowing my history. Weren't doctors supposed to be completely unbiased?

"You have plenty of options. You just need to go back home and rest, then think on them. We'll be here to guide you," she said.

I couldn't even bring myself to smile at her, no matter how grateful I was for her words.

"Doctor, I'm on the pill. I don't…I don't understand how this could have happened," I whispered, then I looked up at my doctor.

"Did you take the pill regularly?" she asked kindly.

"Yes…I think so." I wasn't really sure. But I never missed it. Did I?

"You would have to check then, just to make sure. Like I said already, you have a lot of options. Don't make any decisions without making sure you are absolutely sure of it. And we could do an ultrasound if you—"

"No, thank you," I interrupted, not even caring that I was being rude. An ultrasound would just be a reminder I didn't want; that there was a baby growing inside of me.

"Oh. Don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything or if you have any questions then."

"Thank you," I said a little numbly, then I stood from the chair and stepped out of the doctor's office.

This was amazing. I was pregnant. Pregnant! I have sex once and I end up pregnant. Shouldn't there be some kind of unspoken rule that first timers didn't get to fall pregnant or something like that?

I sat out in the reception. I noticed the woman behind the desk give me a confused look, but I paid her no mind. I didn't know what to do. I was only 23. I had never thought I would be having a baby so young. I wasn't married, wasn't even close and I had so many goals.

I knew motherhood didn't necessarily mean abandoning my goals. But I didn't think I had much of a choice. I mean, I would need maternity leave. Which just meant I could kiss my promotion goodbye.

I put my hands in my lap, then rested my head in them. I was so confused.

I don't know how much time I spent out there, but I knew I had to get home. So I called an Uber and waited. Then I stood and walked out of the hospital. I didn't want to be in here anymore. I felt suffocated.

I got into the Uber as soon as I spotted it and I spent the drive staring straight ahead. I'm sure the driver thought I was weird. But what would you do if you were announced news like this? Especially when it was the opposite of all you ever wanted to hear?

I didn't know we had reached home until the man shook me. I looked at him and apologized, then I got out. I was pretty sure I looked like a robot. But I didn't care much at this point. I felt like one.

Actually, saying I felt like one was a stretch, because I didn't even know how to feel. I was pregnant. Pregnant from a one-night stand. For a man who hadn't even bothered to ask my name. It would be so laughable if it weren't so damned real.

I needed an escape. I got to my bedroom, stripped my body of all the clothes, then fell into a dreamless sleep.

***

I was woken up by someone shaking me gently. I wasn't very scared because there was only one person who had the keys to my house: Hana.

"Hey, you never called me. I was worried," Hana whispered, looking at me with concerned eyes.

I sat up in bed and ran my hand through my hair, wincing when it caught at a tangle. "I'm fine," I reassured her. I didn't know if I wanted to tell her. I didn't even know if I wanted to keep the baby. Telling her would just make it even more real. And I didn't want it to be real.

"You don't look fine," Hana said. I shrugged at her observation. I never did like lying to Hana. Besides, she knew me well enough to know when I was lying and when I wasn't.

"I made something—and it's not the broth," she added. I snickered a little. She was acting like my mother. "Come downstairs and eat. I know you're hungry."

My stomach chose that time to grumble, and I blushed. I couldn't very well lie now when we both had heard the evidence of that hunger. Besides, I was hungry. And I needed food. Even if I didn't know what the future held in store for me yet, I needed to keep whatever little being growing in me healthy.

I slipped a big sweater on and followed Hana downstairs. "What did you make?" I asked. I tended to blurt out things. And I definitely didn't want to tell her I was pregnant right away. So I needed to make random conversation.

"Pasta. And I brought your favorite over, a big slice of red velvet cake and some red wine. Maybe alcohol is going to get you out of this funk," she teased.

I tried to laugh but even to my ears, it sounded hollow. Hana shot me a weird look, but I pretended I didn't notice. She served the food and as soon as she was about to pour some wine for me, I stopped her.

"Uhm, I'm fine. The doctor gave me some pills and I don't want to mix them with alcohol," I said.

"Oh okay. It'll just be water for you then. What did the doctor say was wrong with you?"

"Uhm, she said I…I had the flu and a fever?"

"Ava? What are you hiding from me?" I knew she was going to catch on. She was smart and I was also a very horrible liar. A recipe for disaster, truly.

"Nothing. Let's just eat, Hana."

She looked like she wanted to insist, but thankfully, she didn't. I let out a sigh of relief. The meal was a quiet one. I didn't really feel like talking. I was hungry, but I didn't necessarily want to eat. So I picked at my food. Hana noticed. But she didn't say anything. I knew she was biding her time and the questions were going to come soon.

"Are you going to sleep over?" I asked. I needed someone. If I slept here alone tonight, I was going to die. Maybe that was too dramatic, but I was going to lose my mind.

"You want me to?"

"Yes please." Hana nodded and I leaned back in my seat, happy at least.

We cleaned up, then went upstairs. Hana was the first to slip into bed. I knew she was tired, and I knew it was partly because of me. I felt so guilty. She had a lot on her plate, but she was here. And I didn't even want to tell her the truth so she could stop worrying.

"Do you have some kind of deadly disease? Is that why you don't want to tell me anything?" Hana asked quietly as soon as I slipped into bed with her.

"No. When I said I was fine, I meant it."

"Then why were you puking, why were you sick?" she whisper-yelled.

"If I tell you, promise you're not going to make a big deal out of it. And that we'll talk about it tomorrow."

"Just tell me." Hana sounded impatient. But I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy or whatever tonight. I couldn't.

"Promise me, Hana."

There was a slight pause and I waited with bated breath. "I promise," Hana said finally. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay. Don't freak out." I took in a deep breath. "I'm pregnant?"

"What?" Hana exclaimed.

"Don't freak out. Please. Let's go to sleep."

It was like she heard the serious and tired note in my voice. I saw her nod, then I turned off the bedside lamp by my side of the bed and Hana did same.

She didn't ask any questions; it was so quiet. But I was happy for that. I knew just how much it was hard, because she was a curious person and what I had just announced to her was serious. I appreciated her for that.

"Promise you'll tell me everything tomorrow," Hana said.

"I promise. Good night babe," I whispered, then I placed a kiss on her forehead. She did same and soon after, I drifted off to sleep.

***

I woke up before Hana the next morning. She wasn't my maid, and it was unfair that she got to cook, do the dishes and clean up after me like I was an invalid. But when she walked into the kitchen with a frown on her face, I knew she was going to say something, and I might not like it.

"You're pregnant. You shouldn't be doing that," Hana said. As she rushed towards me, I stopped her.

"Have you ever been pregnant?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Well, no but—"

"I feel fine," I interrupted. "I promise. If I didn't, I wouldn't even be up. Come and eat breakfast."

Hana sighed but she did as I told her. As soon as we started eating, she asked, "Why did you hide it from me? Why didn't you want to tell me?"

I was quiet for a while as I thought of the best way to answer her question. "I was scared. I still am," I confessed ruefully. "I didn't want it to be real. And telling you? That made it so real. I'm sorry."

Hana nodded. "It's fine. I guess I get you."

She opened her mouth, and I already knew what she was going to ask. I shook my head and Hana closed her mouth promptly. I knew she was curious, but like I said, it was going to be hard to come to terms with all of this.

"Aren't you on the pill?" Hana asked curiously.

I nodded. "I am. But I don't know, maybe I forgot to take it or something like that. I'll check."

"You didn't use protection with him?" she continued with her line of questioning.

"I…no. I thought the pill was going to keep me safe," I mumbled and looked away from my best friend. I already knew that she was going to give me a lecture.

"Ava! What if he had some kind of disease or infection? What if—" she started, but then she interrupted herself. I already knew what she had wanted to add. What if I had gotten pregnant? But it wasn't a what if anymore. Unfortunately.

"He didn't have condoms. And I don't walk around with condoms. Besides, we were already at his place. I wasn't going to tell him I wanted to leave."

Hana sighed and looked away from me. I knew she was disappointed. I was as well. She couldn't even imagine how I felt right now. Which was why I didn't want to come to terms with the fact that I had a fetus in me.

"What are you going to do?" Hana finally asked the question I dreaded most. Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't let them fall.

"Please don't ask me that question. I don't know, Hana. Don't ask," I said in a hoarse voice.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Hana asked urgently, but I didn't respond. "Ava, sooner or later, you will have to accept the fact that you are pregnant. And you will have to decide what you are going to do about the pregnancy."

"Don't you think I know this?" I asked her, the tears that I was trying to stop finally sliding down my cheeks. "I know this, Hana! I do. But I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to think!"

She stared at me for a while. Then she caved in and took me into her arms. We sat there like that for a while, her just comforting me and me sitting there, just basking in her arms. I didn't get comfort like this on the regular. I was an independent person, and I could come off as standoffish. I guess people took that as me not wanting affection.

"What about him?" Hana asked, after we had stayed in each other's arms for a while.

"Who is him?" I asked, frowning a little.

"Come on, Ava, don't play stupid."

I was a little hurt, because I truly had no idea what she was talking about.

"Hana, I wouldn't ask you if I knew who you were talking about," I said tiredly. Hana sighed.

"The dude you slept with. The father of that baby you're carrying."

"And what about him?" She was confusing me at this point. I didn't understand her.

"Ava, are you going to tell him you're pregnant? Goddamn. For someone who is very smart, you sure can be stupid sometimes."

I didn't say a word. I think Hana felt bad because she tightened her grip around me. "I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have."

"It's fine," I said with a sigh. Hana could be really insensitive, but she was my friend. We all had out faults at the end of the day. "And as for telling him, I don't know yet. When I decide on the way forward, then I will think about telling him.

Hana didn't say anything even though I knew she wanted to. I was thankful though. I really didn't want to second guess any of my decisions right now and just a word from her could lead to that.

"You'll tell me when you come to a decision, yeah?" she asked in a small voice.

"Of course. Who else would I tell?" She could be funny. She was basically the only person I had. There was no way I wouldn't tell her about what I decided to do with the baby.

"Better."

"No more questions, alright?" I said.

"No more questions," Hana affirmed. I smiled.

We stayed like that for a long moment. My mind was swirling with all those of ideas. I had told Hana not to ask any questions, but it didn't stop the fact that I was asking myself all those questions…