Chapter 18 Outside Her Window
Calix Pov
Two in the morning. I was still awake. Lying in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Sleep wouldn't come. Hadn't come in days. Not since the full moon run. Not since I saw her standing there watching me. Not since our eyes locked.
That moment kept replaying in my head. Over and over. Her face. Her eyes. The way she stumbled when the bond hit her. The way every part of me screamed to run back to her.
I'd almost done it. Almost turned around. Almost ruined everything I'd been trying to maintain. The only thing that stopped me was another wolf crashing into me. Snapping me out of it.
But now I couldn't stop thinking about her. Couldn't stop wondering if she was okay. If she was safe. If she was sleeping or lying awake like me.
My wolf was restless. Pacing. Had been pacing for hours. "Go to her. Check on her. Make sure she's safe."
"No," I said out loud. My voice echoed in the empty room. "We're not doing that."
"Why not?" my wolf demanded. "Just go look. Make sure nothing's wrong. Then come back."
"That's stalking," I said.
"That's protecting," my wolf argued. "There's a difference."
I sat up. Ran my hands through my hair. This was crazy. Going to her dorm in the middle of the night was crazy. Creepy. Wrong.
But the pull was too strong. The need to see her. To make sure she was okay. It was overwhelming. Consuming. I couldn't fight it anymore.
"Just one look," my wolf said. "Just to make sure. Then we'll come back. Then we'll leave her alone."
I knew it was a lie. Knew I wouldn't leave her alone. Knew this would make everything worse. But I got up anyway. Pulled on shoes. Grabbed a hoodie. Walked to the door.
The hallway was empty. Dark. Everyone else was sleeping. Living normal lives. Having normal dreams. I was the only one awake. The only one tormented.
I walked down the stairs. Out the door. Into the cold night air. It bit at my face. Made me shiver. But I kept walking.
Her dorm was across campus. A good ten minute walk. I took it slow. Gave myself time to turn back. To change my mind. To be smart about this.
But my feet kept moving. One step after another. Toward her. Always toward her.
The campus was dead. Nobody out. Just me and the shadows. The moon was still full. Still bright. Watching. Judging.
"This is wrong," I muttered. "This is so wrong."
"This is necessary," my wolf said. "We need to see her."
"We need to stay away from her," I said. "That's what keeps her safe."
"She's safe when we're watching," my wolf said. "She's in danger when we're not."
I didn't have an argument for that. He might be right. If someone tried to hurt her and I wasn't there. If something happened and I could have prevented it. I'd never forgive myself.
I reached her dorm building. Stood outside. Stared up at the windows. Trying to remember which floor she was on. Which room.
Third floor. West side. I'd seen her go in once. Watched from across the quad like a creep. I knew exactly which window was hers.
I walked around to that side. Looked up. Her window was dark. Curtains closed. No light. She was probably sleeping. Probably safe in bed. Probably fine.
But I needed to be sure. Needed to see. Needed to know.
I stood there. Under her window. Staring up. The cold wind bit harder. Made my eyes water. Made my nose go numb. I didn't care. Didn't move.
"This is pathetic," I said quietly. "Standing here like some lovesick idiot."
"This is love," my wolf said simply. "This is what mates do."
"Mates are together," I said. "They don't hide in shadows watching from a distance."
"We're doing the best we can," my wolf said. "Given the circumstances."
The circumstances being my curse. Being the fact that I killed everyone I loved. Being the fact that I was too dangerous to be near her.
Minutes ticked by. Five. Ten. Fifteen. I kept standing there. Kept watching her dark window. Kept torturing myself with being so close but so far.
What was she dreaming about? Was she dreaming about me? Or about her ex? Or about whatever trauma brought her here?
I wanted to know. Wanted to understand her. Wanted to know everything about her. Her favorite color. Her favorite food. What made her laugh. What made her cry.
But I couldn't ask. Couldn't talk to her. Couldn't even be near her without risking everything.
"Just knock on her door," my wolf suggested. "Wake her up. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel."
"And then what?" I asked. "Tell her I'm cursed? Tell her everyone I love dies? Tell her I'm standing under her window at two in the morning like a creep?"
"Tell her she's your mate," my wolf said. "Tell her you're trying to protect her. Tell her the truth."
"The truth will scare her," I said. "She'll run. Or worse she'll stay. And then I'll hurt her."
"You don't know that," my wolf said.
"Yes I do," I said. "I know exactly what will happen. It always happens. Every time."
My wolf went quiet. Sad. Defeated.
I checked my phone. Two thirty now. I'd been standing here for over twenty minutes. This was getting ridiculous. I needed to leave. Needed to go back to my dorm. Needed to stop this.
But I couldn't make myself move. Couldn't make my feet walk away. Just stood there frozen. Staring at her window. Aching.
The mate bond pulled at my chest. Physical pain. Like someone was tugging on my heart with a rope. It hurt. Everything hurt.
"Please," my wolf whispered. "Please just go to her. Just this once. Just to see her face."
I closed my eyes. Fought against it. Fought against every instinct screaming at me to climb up to her window. To wake her. To claim her.
"No," I said firmly. "We're leaving. Now."
I turned around. Forced myself to walk away. Each step felt wrong. Felt like I was abandoning her. Betraying her. Failing her.
But this was right. This was what kept her safe. Distance. Space. Staying away.
I walked back across campus. Back to my dorm. Back to my empty room. Back to my lonely bed.
Lay down. Stared at the ceiling again. The ache in my chest hadn't gone away. If anything it was worse now. Stronger. More painful.
"That was torture," my wolf said. "Pure torture."
"I know," I said. "But necessary torture."