Doubts

Doubts
I might learn a thing or two from her and make use of them sometime later.

She dealt with the seven men without even a drop of sweat! I couldn't help expressing my respect and applause. I clapped my hands as I watched her walk towards me. She just smiled and asked if the ride had arrived already, but I told her my honest answer. Although it’s only been a few minutes, the ride is still on its way.

“Let’s go somewhere nearby,” she nodded and started to take steps.

She walked ahead of me. I was unsure where she wanted us to go or what she had in her mind, so I quickly followed.

“What about the ride?” I asked.

“Was it a cab?” She stopped in her steps and turned around to look at me as she answered me with another question.

“Yeah..?” I was confused. I couldn't help frowning as I gave my answer. She somehow looked different. Like, somehow... pissed? Annoyed? I couldn't exactly tell.

“Then let it be. Someone else can have the ride. I am sure a lot of people around here are looking for a cab to grab all the time.” She nonchalantly answered and started to walk forward again.

I did not understand the expressions she had on her face nor the way she seemed to be shrugging me off her skin. I froze on my feet for a while trying to figure something or anything out, but as I saw her getting farther away, I panicked, losing her from my sight.

“Where are we going?” I asked while I kept up with her pace and walked side by side with her.

“Do you have to know?” 

She asked in a different tone, without even sparing a glance at me. It was hard to tell if she was expressing her doubts about me or if she was just preoccupied with something. If she doubts me, I absolutely understand; after all, I am a stranger to her. I am sure she is trying to put me in a place where I would feel like I was a part of the puzzle for how her day has been going at that moment. She did not stop in her tracks, but I could clearly tell she was being cautious around me. 

I have to make her feel comfortable! Trusting me was too much to ask for now, I should settle on making her feel I was not a threat.

“No, of course not,” I answered right away.

“You can follow if you still want to have that deal with me, but if you have changed your mind, you can go on your way. I will go on mine,” she stated with confidence. 

And even without her saying the words blatantly, I got the message that she didn’t trust me. I wonder what I did to make her feel the way she does right now. To top it all off, she was subtly conveying a warning. As if telling me to fuck off if I was there to mess with her.

I am way too confused because if she knew I was faking the ask for help, I wouldn’t make it to keep walking on my perfectly fine set of legs. She would have done something already if she knew my real intentions. Why is she giving me the option to follow her or not? Shall I worry and fear what might be waiting for me at the end of the road she is leading me into? Shall I rejoice that she is letting me choose and decide whether to follow her or not? 

Could she be giving me room for doubt? Or could I be of some use to her, somehow?

"Fuck!" I cursed myself, realizing I was playing a very dangerous game and realizing it the hard way by witnessing how she dealt with her enemy solely and bare-handedly!

And since I have my hidden motives, my heart and brain cannot work in sync and create one concrete decision. I was half-hearted. Half was telling me that this would be wrong, but another part of me was telling me I wouldn’t find out unless I followed her to the end.

I stopped and saw her keep walking. She was taking the path to public transit, the subway.

“Fuck!!!! What should I do?!”

I saw her getting into the entrance door without even looking back at me. I am sure she knew it. There were so many glass walls around to make her check if I was walking behind her or not. She did not change her pace. She was walking as confidently as she always does. It scares me about her. Her confidence is intimidating. It brings forth fear to whoever wants to piss her off.

“Goddamn it!” I scratched my head as I gave up thinking, and my legs started to take big steps to walk towards her before I lost sight of her. She was on the escalator going down to the subway trails when he caught up with her. There were a lot of people, so I could only see her from afar, but I could not get close to her.

“Excuse me.”

“Sorry.”

“Please let me through.”

These words and phrases kept coming out of my mouth as I squeezed myself into the crowd to get closer to her. Despite all my efforts, I only managed to get to her a few meters away from where I was standing as we waited for the next stop.

She did not even look my way. I am not sure if she knew I was keeping up with her or not.

“Did she think I gave up?” I thought.

I kept my focus on her. I was worried I might lose her in the crowd, so I did not take my eyes off her. She was looking somewhat forlorn again. I saw her looking vulnerable.