Chapter 5 — Apologies don't make it better

Astrid:

"Do you believe I did it on purpose?" He asked quietly. I could feel his presence behind me. He was so close, I could smell his cologne. Mint and sandalwood. I used to love that scent.

"Yes and no"

"Why?"

I sniffed, glancing upwards at the star ridden sky. "I don't know"

"I've apologized so many times."

I whirled, we stood face to face, our bodies inches apart "Your apologies doesn't make it better Aaro. It doesn't take away the pain I feel every time I see you or I remember"

"I know that, I understand. I know I will never understand your pain but you don't understand how much it hurts me too" he paused, taking a step back from me, giving me space.

"After what happened, after the divorce I couldn't live with myself. I just couldn't knowing that I caused it, I caused everything. I was too rough, too angry." He blew out a sigh "when you walked out on me, it felt like I couldn't live anymore knowing I hurt you so much you couldn't stand me. I tried to end my own life thinking I could atone for making you lose our daughter"

I gasped, Aaro tried to kill himself? Reaching out, I grabbed the lapels of his jacket, hauling him to me "You almost committed suicide?"

He looked at me, his eyes filled with regret and overwhelming sadness. I never knew he felt this way.

I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, I completely disregarded Aaro's. He must have been overwhelmed with grief and guilt and sadness.

The tears flowed freely from my eyes now as I held onto him, staring up at his remorseful face.

"I shouldn't have shoved you so hard my love, it was all my fault. Everything was my fault. Blame me for everything. I know nothing I say or do will ever atone for my sins towards you, but I can't live with you hating me. You can hold a grudge against me but please don't hate me."

He paused, his voice shaky, I have never seen Aaro this vulnerable before. It tore my heart in two.

"I'm trying really hard to become a better person for you. I have been going to therapy for my anger issues, I've given up alcohol. I know none of these things matter to you, but I'm really, really trying." His hands came up to cup my elbows, his touch lighting sparks on my skin.

"I know there isn't a chance that you'll take me back but I can only hope for your forgiveness"

A loud sob broke through my lips and he pulled me to him, my head against his chest, listening to his racing heart. He hugged me to him tenderly. Dimly I felt moisture hit my forehead, making me glance up at him.

Tears were rolling down his face. Seeing him cry broke my already fragile heart into pieces.

Time passed and we just held each other. Two broken hearts seeking healing, Two ships in the dark sea, just searching for each other.

"I don't hate you" I finally said, after I had sobered up a little. "You don't?" Aaro looked down at me, his eyes misty.

I shook my head "I couldn't, For three years I tried to hate you, to despise you but I couldn't" I paused, sucking in a breath "and as for Forgiveness, I've forgiven you a long time ago"

He blew out a huge breath, his eyes brightening a little "Thank you Mio Amore"

"But I can't come back to you, not now anyway" I completed and he stilled before nodding once "I understand, but it doesn't mean there is no hope for us"

"I need time to heal Aaro, I need to find my peace and I can't do it with you around me"

He nodded "I completely understand" he paused "I love you so much Astrid and I will respect your wishes, I will wait for you until if and whenever you're ready"

"Thank you" I breathed.

Suddenly he leaned down and claimed my lips in a soft, lingering, passionate kiss before turning on his heel and disappearing through the door.

I missed him already.

~*~

The crying came much later.

I left immediately I got my bearings enough to do so, I left a text for Sydney and got a taxi home, I crawled into my bed and cried my eyes out. The tears didn't stop until the morning.

I cried for my broken heart, I cried for my lost child, I cried for my broken marriage, I cried for the pain that won't go away, I cried for my tormented husband who lived with crippling grief for so long, I cried for his attempted suicide. I cried for everything I had experienced. By midmorning, I had fallen into an exhausted sleep, dreaming of a baby girl with red hair and caramel eyes.

I woke up to the sound of the doorbell, ringing downstairs. It was probably Sydney, waiting to bite my head off for leaving her alone at the wedding.

I sighed and shuffled downstairs, my head heavy from all the tears.

I pulled open the door and was assaulted by a giant bouquet of roses. "Are you Miss Waller?" The delivery man asked and I nodded.

He thrust the bouquet at me and beamed "Have a good day, love."

"Thanks," I drawled and shuffled back inside with the flowers.

Inside, I picked the pristine white card tucked in between the delicate buds and opened it. Written in beautiful familiar cursive writing was the message "Thank you. From Aaro"