I passed Jerry on the way out of the living room and immediately ran to him, seeking for a much needed hug. His face broke into a concerned one and he wrapped his arms around my trembling body.
I haven’t seen him since I got here but I was relieved that he was there when I was about to have a melt-down. He had been a father figure to me and I probably needed that the most right now.
“Oh Case, I’m so sorry.” Jerry whispered in a broken voice that mirrored how I felt. I simply shook my head as I kept my face pressed to his chest. The pain was too much and I felt like I was going to burst. I felt myself being pulled to the direction of the kitchen and he sat me down on one of the stools under the kitchen counter.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” Jerry coaxed, sitting down on the stool next to mine. He raised his arm to hug me sideways and I leaned on him, not knowing where to start.
“You told me, when I made that choice to not tell Adam who I really was, that he deserved the right to know. But you also told me that you wouldn’t interfere because it was my choice to make,” I began, sniffling as I spoke softly.
“I didn’t regret my choice of drawing this distance between us because I honestly do think that I’m bringing all sorts of danger to his life by being with him. The accident proved it.” Fresh tears sprung into my eyes when Jerry tried to defend me after I voiced the guilt I was still feeling.
“That was not your fault, Case. It was an accident and you didn’t have any control over it.” I could tell that Jerry was really trying to convince me because his voice turned steely on the edges but I still shook my head stubbornly. I decided that I couldn’t explain myself properly to him unless I told him everything about the messed up situation I was in right now.
“Jer, the truth is that I’ve been street fighting for years now. When Adam told me about Carla and how you were struggling with the bills, I joined a competition to win some money and help you guys secretly with the hospital bills. I didn’t realize it then. It was all about saving Carla at first, but I now realize that I made a mistake in being that reckless. I underestimated how dangerous it was to participate in a competition where ruthless people partake in.” I kept my head down as I tried to tell him my story in a concise manner. I was ashamed of what I’ve done to disrupt the peace and quiet of his family.
“I attempted to quit when Carla passed away but there was that man who came during her funeral. Apparently, I injured his brother in a fight and he demanded that I continue fighting in the competition or he’ll hurt the people I love. I was terrified but Adam was sure he was bluffing so I tried to have some faith. But the next thing I knew, Adam got hit by that car.” I wiped my damp cheeks. I was scared of what I would see if I raised my head to meet Jerry’s eyes. I was scared of the resentment I might see.
When I heard no response from him, I continued talking and avoided eye contact with him.
“That night I chose to keep my distance with your family as much as possible while still being there for you guys to keep the promise I made to Carla. I thought that maybe by keeping my distance, the next set of people whose feathers I accidentally ruffle won’t target your family. I don’t have anyone to blame but myself for my thoughtless decisions. But I didn’t regret not telling Adam who I really was to him.”
I finally looked up, searching his eyes for any hatred or disgust directed at me. Thankfully, I found none. Nothing but sadness and concern were there. “Does it make me a bad person for not regretting keeping things from Adam while still crying about the consequences of that action?” I asked him, still searching his face. I knew that he probably knew about Kiara. The Jones’ boys weren’t exactly shy about their love lives.
I remembered the day that I met Jerry and Carla. It didn’t take long for him to introduce me to his parents and I believe that was the case for Kiara too.
Jerry shook his head, gathering the mess before him in his arms. I continued weeping over my broken heart in his fatherly embrace.
“I’m sorry, Case. The day he went home with Kiara trailing after him, I dreaded the day that you found out about them. I knew it would break you though you have always acted strong. You had this hard exterior of a fighter even when you tried to play the part of a goodie two shoes. It breaks me seeing you like this; it really does.” His voice was bleeding the pain it harbored and I could barely hear him whisper, “Adam, what have you done.”
I wept harder from how kind this man has been to me even after knowing the full story of the disaster I have brought upon his family.
“What do I do now, Jer?” I was so lost and I felt like I was grasping blindly in the dark for a sense of direction; for any sense of direction. For once, I felt like a little girl who was alone in a dark world.
“The cops?” Jerry asked. I quickly shook my head no and he nodded in understanding.
“As much as I don’t like the idea of you putting your life on the line continuously like this, I hate to admit it but you just have to pull through this fight and win. You have to play the offence in this life, if you settle with simply putting up a defense, you’re basically preparing to die. As for Adam, I’m sure everything will work out in the end. I know this isn’t something that you’d like to hear but at the end of the day, there’s always going to be a greater plan set for all of us and it’s all for the best. Whatever happens for Adam and you, it would be for the best. Whatever happens between the both of you, you are always welcome here. You’ll always be like a daughter to me.” Jerry’s words touched me. He reminded me to have faith and trust whatever plan that has been laid out for me.
I’m not in this alone and I never have been. I’ve had Preston even when I didn’t have Adam. I had Jerry who was silently supporting me even though I could tell he disapproved of my decisions and actions. I have never been alone all this time. Even when I was crying alone in my car or in my room, I knew that God has been watching over me and that I was safe. I just needed to trust in that greater force because at the end of the day, I was only human.
After spilling my guts out to Jerry, he told me to stay the night and take the guest bedroom. My parents were coming home the next day so I told him that I might leave early the next morning to make sure I wasn’t late in picking them up from the airport.
Jerry gave me another tight hug before bidding me good night and retiring to his own room. I took the guest bedroom I stayed in during the few nights that I got to stay over. I didn’t bring any change of clothes since I wasn’t planning to stay the night. I’d usually go and borrow something from Adam but since that wasn’t an option anymore, I opted to fell asleep in the current clothes I was in.
The following day, I quietly slipped out of my room to not cause any ruckus that would wake anyone up in the early hours. I wasn’t expecting to bump into anyone at this hour but apparently, fate was trying to force me into having another lovely conversation with my dearest ex.
He was in his, what I presume, jogging attire, slipping his shoes on when I opened the door to the porch. He had on a grey singlet and joggers with earphones plugged into his ears. I guess there wasn’t any loud music being played on them since he twisted around to look at the door when it creaked open.
“I thought you already left yesterday,” he said. He was looking at me with wide eyes, as if he couldn’t believe I was standing in front of him. He took off his earphones and I shrugged in response.
“I bumped into your dad and we caught up. It was pretty late when we finished talking. He told me to take the guestroom so I stayed the night,” I replied easily I muttered an ‘excuse me’ as I stepped beside his sitting form to walk down the porch.
“You’re leaving this early?” Adam called out, his earphones dangling between his fingers. I nodded, prepared to say my goodbyes. I wasn’t planning to meet him again anytime soon. Everything would probably be like the old times where I’ll be avoiding him because let’s be honest here; pretending like nothing had ever happened between us was way too painful for me to bear.
I was about to wave goodbye at him and slip into my car but a hand gripped my wrist. The act brought me back to that day he blackmailed me into going to that party shortly after we met. I was about to walk away from him then when he caught my wrist and forced me to stay.
A spark of hope rekindled in me, I thought that maybe this time will be the same. Maybe he’ll stop me from walking away from him like old times. My eyes flew to his face from the hand that was gripping my wrist, searching for whatever emotions his eyes had to offer me. I was hoping like a helpless teenager. It was completely and utterly pathetic but I couldn’t help it.
However, I crushed the hope before it could spread like wildfire throughout my system. I can’t go around hoping like some little girl. I needed to be strong. I needed to be independent and I needed to accept the fact that I’ve lost him. Most of all, I needed to move on — like he has.
His mouth was gaping and closing like a fish out of water, finding something to say before he seemed to gather his composure and decided on what he wanted to say to me. His grip on my wrist lingered and I felt the skin under his grip heating up as the second ticks by.
“About yesterday, I’m sorry for not telling Kiara about the accident and have you there to witness the whole screaming thing.” He finally let go of my wrist and I cradled it with my other hand, wanting to keep the spot that was in his grasp warm. Adam reached up and scratched the back of his head, looking a bit sheepish. I quirked an eyebrow at him.
“Was that all you wanted to say?” I was ready to receive a nod and take my leave. My car door was already open and it acted as a barrier between Adam and I.
But instead, Adam surprised me with a shake of his head no. I felt my eyes widen a fraction and felt my hands started to get a little clammy with anticipation.
“I’m sorry for blaming you for my mother’s death and I know it’s illogical but I’m sorry for losing my memories. I feel like something, what we had, was taken away from you so suddenly and seeing me with Kiara probably had you shaken up.” I wanted to snort at that. Shaken up was a definite understatement. It felt like something sharp pierced me and left me breathless and bleeding.
“Thank you,” I whispered. For what? I had no idea but I didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t deserve me screaming at him because he had as much control of what happened as I did which was as good as none. I looked away from him because all I saw in his eyes was pity and I hated it. I didn’t need his pity, I brought this upon myself all on my own.
“I wish you nothing but happiness, Adam,” with or without me.
I slipped into the car and drove away. I kept my eyes from drifting to the side-view mirror, not wanting my emotions to get the best of me. I shut my thoughts off and let the sound of the radio drown out my self-thrown pity party.