After taking a seat in the living room, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. Adam was sitting right next to me and we had this awkward distance between us so that we weren’t touching. I tried to relax into the couch and prepare myself to relive the memories he was about to send my way.
“Okay, tell me what you’ve been remembering,” I told him softly, fidgeting with the loose thread on the hem of my shirt. Adam nodded, looking like he was thinking hard.
“The first thing that I remembered was screaming at you in a kitchen, I was trying to stop you from doing something. I remembered feeling angry, fearful but I also felt a strange sense of awe, as if I could hardly believe that someone like you existed. You were yelling back at me about how it was your life and that it was your choice. Then, Pio walked in and you left with him before we could continue yelling at each other.” I felt some tears gathering in my eyes. I felt like I was about to break. I had the urge to reach out to him, to ask for some comfort and support so I could relive this without feeling like I was so alone in this world. But I knew better than to do that.
Remember Kiara, Case. He wasn't yours anymore.
I squeezed my eyes shut at the sharp pang of pain at the sudden pang of loss. I cleared my throat and tried to smoothen my expression so that we could continue with this. I have to help him.
“That was the day I told you that I decided to join the competition to help you pay for your mom’s hospital bills. You didn’t agree with my decision and tried to stop me but-” a smile crept onto my face at the memory, “- but of course I was too stubborn. I told myself I wasn’t asking for your permission so I joined the competition nonetheless and slipped the money I got from the fights into your mother’s hospital room; That was now Dom got those pictures of me to brainwash you.”
Adam didn’t ask any questions. He nodded along and moved on to the next memory he had of us, seeming eager to get the explanations to all of them.
“I remembered laying down on an open field of grass and hills with you,” was all he told me and I smiled at that memory. It sounded simple and beautiful.
“You brought me there when I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare I had about the night Bryant died. I told you my story, about how Bryant saved my life by giving up his. I was experiencing what you’d call a survivor’s guilt. Somehow you managed to take away that guilt for a split second. You told me that he died a hero; that he didn’t die for nothing. All I could feel after that was love for my brother. You also told me about your mom’s condition and your family’s financial problems at the time.” I had to wipe away some tears while talking about Bryant but ended up smiling as I remembered how Adam comforted me.
Jesus, I’m so unstable; it must be that time of the month soon.
“There was that time that you accused me of trying to kill you for putting cakwe in your porridge. I think it became your favorite food?” Adam sounded amused as he quirked an eyebrow at me. I suddenly turned a deep shade of red at the mention of that time I overreacted to the cakwe in my porridge. I suddenly remembered he wasn’t sure that everything was a memory. Maybe I can use that to my advantage.
“Nope, that never happened. Cakwe has always been my favorite food!” I straight out denied, willing my blush to fade quickly as to not give me away. Unfortunately, I was never a great liar. This was why I tried to stay in the down low during high school and stayed quiet when someone bullied me instead of getting smart. I would have to lie if they questioned me. Adam saw straight through my lies and narrowed his eyes.
I sighed in defeat, knowing that I had to own up to that embarrassing moment in my life when I was completely oblivious to the existence of cakwe.
“Okay so I was feeling like complete shit that day. We were ambushed by guys who I guess were “warned” me that they were watching my every move a few days earlier and I couldn’t sleep for the next few nights. You made me porridge and introduced me to cakwe which I absolutely fell in love with. I had to explain why we were ambushed by those guys to you after I ate that porridge and then we made the trip to the hospital to visit your mom.” I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal although I clearly remembered the anxiety and fear I felt that day clearly. The fear that something was going to happen to Adam because of me.
“So why were we ambushed by those guys?” Adam asked, too curious for my liking. I tried to play it cool and simply shrugged but he was having none of my shit today and prodded me for answers.
“We were ambushed by two guys that night. One was a guy with a permanent looking scowl on his face, I call him scowl-face in my head.” I earned a chuckle from Adam when he heard the nickname I came up with.
“What?” I looked at him challengingly, daring him to question my choices in nicknames. He smartly chose to shake his head while trying his best to keep his laughter in. Keyword is trying, people. A few chuckles slipped out making me glare jokingly at him.
“Anyways,” I shoot a pointed glare at him. He gave me a sheepish smile, motioning for me to go on.
“The other guy that was with scowl-face, I call him baldy,” that earned me another laugh that I chose to ignore.
“So, the first time I saw scowl-face was in a match. I met baldy when I went to a party with Penelope; she’s a friend from our high school. We were walking down the road to catch a taxi when baldy tried to stop us. Turned out that baldy was scowl-face’s partner and scowl-face was the drunk driver who drove the vehicle who crashed into our car that night, killing Bryant.
Dom apparently wanted to eliminate all witnesses and tried to kill. That didn’t sit well with him so he wanted to get back at Dom by hurting me. He was counting on Dom's is infatuation towards me.”
Adam looked as if he was trying to take me seriously but couldn’t which was probably because of the nicknames. The nicknames were easy to remember, sue me.
“Okay, I think this was the last memory I could remember so far.” I took a deep breath, ready to get this over with. As good as this trip down memory lane was, I couldn't take anymore when I knew that I wouldn't be able to make any more. He had moved on from me.
“Okay, shoot.” I tried to sound nonchalant about it. But when he started talking about the last memory he had of us, I froze in my seat and could feel my throat started clogging up.
“I was making a batch of cookies and you and a girl were in the living room with someone, watching Harry Potter.” I tried to clear my throat and hide my tears.
“Um, that –“ I paused, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. I apologized softly, trying to regain some of my composure. “That was the night you got into the accident. You were making snacks for us and you went out to buy some milk. I thought we were going to stay in and watch some movies that night but I guess fate’s a disrupting bitch, huh.” I forced out a small laugh. I wiped a few tears from my eyes.
“The phone rang and Cali was crying on the other line, she told me what happened and where you were. I immediately rushed there and I just knew that it was my fault. There was this g-guy who made a threat against me and h-he did that to you to prove he wasn’t joking. I d-don’t have any evidence but I know it was him.” I stuttered as I continued to hold back sobs. Even though I tried to shut it down, the guilt was nailed there. What happened to Adam was my fault. Everything was my fault. I had hurt the people that I love the most.
“I’m s-so sorry. If I had tried harder to keep my distance, you wouldn’t have been targetted. You wouldn’t have gotten hurt.” I apologized in-between sniffles, not being able to hold in the emotions anymore.
Adam scooted closer and he wrapped his arm around me. He tucked my head under his chin and rubbed circles on my back with his hand comfortingly. He told me that it was okay, that it was all over now but I knew better. It wasn’t going to be over until I've dealt with the matter between Cole and I and quit fighting for good.
After a few minutes of comforting me, I finally got a grip on myself. I gathered my scattered pieces and pulled myself together once again. I straightened up and pulled away slowly, wiping my eyes and unflattering snot.
“Can you tell me about us? How we met? Who I was before the accident?” Adam’s request made me look at him in surprise but I guess why not. I slowly nodded, thinking about where I should start.
“Well, I guess it was kind of cliché now that I think about it. You were the new kid and I was the loner who wanted nothing to do with the spotlight. Then you came along and you bugged the crap out of me.” I felt a bubble of laughter rising and I let it out.
“I was so annoyed with you. No matter what I tried to do, I simply couldn’t shake you off. You bothered me so much I wanted to punch your face for it. But sooner than later, you grew on me.” I smiled softly, staring at the coffee table in front of me.
“You forced me to let you become my friend. You made it a point to remember things that I love. At some point you knew me better than I knew myself. You looked out for me, you took hits for me, even when you knew I could take them. You were ever the gentleman and it never bothered your ego that I never needed saving. It never bothered you that I never screamed for your help. You were my best friend. When I was with you I felt like a better person, and maybe I was a better person. Once I finally let you in my walls, we were completely glued by the hip. I was addicted to the feeling of being around you. When we’ were together, it’s like we were in this bubble. Everything became okay and the worries of the world just washed away. Everyone within a mile radius could see that we were in love. I don’t know what made you love me but I tried to never take it for granted.”
I blushed when I finally realized I was blabbering. I cleared my throat and tried to seem unfazed. I looked up to find him looking at me intently, as if he was trying to picture everything I described. It made hope blossom in me that maybe he was trying to remember because he felt something for me.
I quickly stomped on that hope and crushed it. I couldn't go around hoping like that. He was better off without me. He was safer without me in his life.
“Why did you lie to me that night in the hospital?” Adam asked softly. Maybe there was this part of me that still wished he hasn’t moved on from me because I think I imagined the hurt in his tone.
“Everyone that I’ve ever loved the most has always gotten hurt. You would’ve been in more danger if I had kept you around. I just decided that pushing you away was the best way to keep you safe; and away from the life I got myself entangled in.” I sniffled while shrugged to emphasize my defeated state.
“I never wanted you to be in any kind of danger. I’ve always known that I was putting you in danger by keeping you around but I guess you made me feel safe. You made me feel like everything’s was going to be alright as long as we were together But I know that that’s not the case now.”
I desperately hoped that the pain wasn’t obvious in my voice as I tried to suppress the new wave of tears. I will not break down anymore. He didn't deserve this kind of burden on his shoulders.
This was a new start for him, he should be able to turn his back on me and walk his own path now.
“That wasn’t your choice to make, Case.” His voice was hard but smooth as if he wanted to get angry but couldn’t afford to. I felt my anger building up for some reason. I knew, when I made that choice, that it was unfair to Adam. But that choice was the right one. It had to be. We've gotten this for.
“Of course, it was my choice! I was the danger. I was the threat in your life, in your family’s life. You’re someone I love, Adam! Of course, I had a say in whether or not you should be in harm’s way! How would I have lived with myself if I had selfishly kept you close to me in your vulnerable and clueless state with all the shit that life’s been throwing at me?” I took a deep breath, looking into his eyes. I letting my hand reach out to caress his cheek, and reveled over how familiar the short stubble felt under my palm. I was a threat in his life and in his family’s life but I made a promise to Carla to be there for them. I couldn’t completely withdraw my presence from their lives completely but I could keep my distance.
“Look around, Adam. You’ve got Kiara now, you’ve got your happiness. Keep that happiness, take care of it and don’t turn away from it. Don’t make the same mistake I did. If you’ll lose her, you might never get her back ever again.” I let my hand drop and rise from the couch, making my leave.
Don’t look back, don’t run to him. Be strong and walk away. Don’t look back. You’re doing the right thing.
Am I?