Chapter 12 GOODBYE
I press myself even further into the wall when he takes a step towards me. A whimper unintentionally escapes my throat. I can only imagine how weak I appear to him. However, he doesn't look much better. Behind his eyes, he is broken. Perhaps not as much as I am, but he doesn't get out of this completely unscathed.
He stops mid stride and holds his hands up in front of him, allowing me to see he won't come any further. If he does, I am sure to break all over again.
"I'm just here to talk," he says. "I won't come any further if you will prefer it."I don't speak. I am afraid to. My voice can't hold up speaking to him. If I do, everything I have buried deep inside of me will come spilling out with my words. Instead of answering, I just nod and he understands. He drops his hands and sits on the edge of my bed facing me.
My wolf is all ears.
"I had to see you before you left. I need to explain myself before you decide on hating me forever."
His words seem sincere. My wolf believes him.
"I want you to know, I never intended on rejecting you. The day I discovered you was the happiest day of my life. I was just confused. I needed to go home and think about what this meant. Even though I wanted you, I knew this would complicate things. I had to figure out how to sort everything out."
He pauses momentarily as if thinking about that particular night then continues. "I wanted you to come with me so nothing could change my mind about us. I knew that the longer you were with me, the more I would want you." His expression becomes despondent. "But you wouldn't come. You made me see that forcing you to do so would do more harm to us than good. So I went alone."
His memory seems to take him back there again. He stares intently at my peach colored floral wallpaper and frowns.
"I had planned on telling Josephine about you that night after I got home. When I got there she was waiting up for me with something of her own to confess."
I don't have to guess to know what it was.
"After she told me," he continues, "my mind went blank. Everything had changed. I could no longer tell her what I had planned to. Though I was elated by the news of our baby I was also heartbroken for us because I knew what it meant." A tear slips from my eyes at his confession. So he did want to be with me. He wasn't just leading me on.
My body wants to go to him, show him we still care, however, I won't allow it. It would hurt us both more in the end. The outcome would still be the same.
"So many times I wanted to call you and deliver the news, but I couldn't. I knew you deserved better than that. I wanted the chance to explain in person. Then, as the days passed, I found myself making up excuses for not telling you. I soon realized I was only putting off the inevitable and I had to tell you."
I soft sob erupts from my throat causing him to look at me in guilt.
"I was planning to tell you everything. I had Andrew watching you until you got off work and then I was planning on coming to get you. Unfortunately fate intervened, taking me there a lot sooner than I expected. When I found out that you were there with Samuel I knew I was too late."
The tears are pouring down my face now making my vision become blurry. The soft sobs continue as he stands up and cautiously walk toward me again. This time I don't stop him.
"I'm so sorry, Grace." His hand touches my cheek once his is within distance of me.
When he stops in front of me, we are as close as the night he first recognized me as his mate. Blood rushes to the surface of my skin where he touches me. It sends a fire down the right side of my face as the hand trails down to my neck. He lets it rest there.
I try to force myself to remain unresponsive to his touch, but my body is working against me. I reach my hand up and lay it on his. Electricity flows between us. It surges through both of our arms like wildfire.
I don't stop the moan that comes from my lips. My wolf is enjoying this closeness, but she still seems cautious of him. She isn't quite trusting of him yet. Perhaps she senses something that I don't.
Logan leans his head into mine and hovers just above my lips. There are only mere centimeters separating us. He pauses, his breath fanning over my face.
To my surprise, my wolf is begging me to get away from him. She is hurting and I can feel it. We both know that what is happening between him and I can't ever go anywhere. So why don't I listen to her?
I don't have time to think before his lips crashes down on mine. At first they are rough and hard, showing a sense of urgency, trying to get a reaction out of me, but when I don't respond they become slow and soft. It is then that the shock wares off and I am finally able to grasp the situation.
The same electricity that flowed through our veins before is now on our lips. Any voice of reason from my wolf is not heard due to Logan's distraction. And soon she disappears altogether. She intentionally shuts herself off from me as a defense mechanism.
No sooner than I gave into the kiss do I realize what I am doing.
I gasp and roughly push him away from me. I can see that he has not been expecting that.
I shake my head. "No."
Even though my voice is barely over a whisper he listens to me. His eyes become apologetic.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I just had to know what it was like." He says.
This time I make my voice a little stronger. "You can't just reject me, then waltz in to my house like you own the place, fill me with some sob story, then kiss me. It doesn't work like that. I understand your dilemma, I do, but that is no excuse. Josephine is your mate now, not me."
I am surprised that doesn't hurt me to be so blunt about it. There is a twinge of sadness still in me, but with my wolf is gone again, I am hollow once more.
He looks away from me in shame, staring at the full open suitcases on my bed.
"So I guess you're going then," he says.
"Yes, I am, tonight."
His head snaps to me. "So soon?"
"There is no need to prolong the inevitable, is there? I need to pick up the pieces and move on with my life and getting out of this town is the only way to do that."
"I suppose," he admits sadly. "But where will you go?"
It takes a moment for me to answer him, thinking of the best way to tell him. After a minute passes I decide to be vague.
"I have somewhere, don't worry." That's all the information I feel I owe him. Not because I want to spare his feelings, but because it is really none of his business what I do anymore.
He wants to question me more, I can see that much, though he doesn't. He must have come across the same realization that I have. It is not his business to know. At least we can both agree on that.
"I should really finish packing." I say, breaking our silence.
He nods. "Yeah, I guess so. I'll leave you to it then."
He smiles halfheartedly at me; it does not reach his eyes. With his hands pushed in his pockets he backs away from me and turns toward the door. He doesn't get far before he stops in his tracks and looks at me once more.
"It is asking too much to part on good terms? I couldn't bear it going through life knowing that you hate me."
"I don't you," I say. "I forgave you the moment I woke up and realized what was going on." It isn't exactly easy to hold a grudge against your mate, if fact it is nearly impossible. That isn't the reason that I forgave him, though. I know that if I don't, I can never really let him go. He'll always be there in the back on my mind haunting me and I won't allow that. Forgiveness means moving on, which is exactly what I have to do.
"Thank you," he says thoughtfully. "Take care of yourself, will you?"
"I will," I promise. "You do the same." And then I say something I think would never come from me. "Good luck to you and Josephine." And the scary thing is, I mean every word of it.
"Good luck to you as well," he replies.
The half hearted small drops from his face letting the pain show through one last time. "Goodbye, Grace."
I return the sorrowful expression and bid him the same. "Goodbye Logan." He stares deep into my eyes for the briefest moment and then, just like that, he is gone. Nothing left but the faint scent of his familiar smell and the quiet he leaves in his wake.