Chapter 37

“You can pick the music, but just this once.” I giggled at the fake pointed look he gave me and nodded. I just put on my “Chill” playlist and tried to relax. The way to the hospital seemed to be engraved in my mind at this point. It only seemed like a few seconds before we were at the valet parking for the hospital. Doctor Skies was waiting for us at the door with a wheelchair. I took a deep breath before I got out of the car. Doctor Skies came right over and sat me down.

“How’s my favorite person?” I just turned towards him and my lip trembled.

“When do I get to see Paige. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. Oh my-” I turned back around and stuffed my head in my hands. I tried to grab onto hair that wasn’t there.

“Oh Bri, it’s going to be okay. You are here so I can take care of you. I will contact Paige so you can meet with her as soon as you're settled.” I just nodded but I didn’t lift my head. Doctor Skies then brought me through check-in. I had to be put back in the system and get my hospital bracelet. After all of that, he brought me up to a spacious room. “I got you a suite.”

“Thank you,” I whispered out. I heard Doctor Skies start to talk to my Dad while I got lost in my thoughts. Why did he do that? Does he think that I’m not leaving? Does he want me more comfortable when it happens? I was so tired of these thoughts and being on edge. My hands shook and I started to put my hands over my ears. “Stop,” I mumbled. The thoughts were drowning out any other noise. “Stop,” I said a little louder. However, the louder I said it, the louder they got. “Stop,” I said in a loud voice. I felt Dad and Doctor Skies come over to me and say something but I couldn’t even process it. “Stop!” I finally screamed. The thoughts seemed to listen and everything went quiet.

“Can you hear me Bri?” I just looked up and saw two very concerned people.

“I’m so overwhelmed. I am so scared. I don’t know what to do. Help me. Please help me.” Dad just picked me up and carried me over to the bed that was now my own.

“I think you are overtired. Maybe try and sleep Love. I’ll be here when you wake. I’ll also make sure Paige is here.” I just looked at him with my teary eyes and my trembling bottom lip.

“I don’t want to sleep. I need to talk to Paige. Where is she?” My hands were shaking and I was on the edge of having a panic attack.

“Okay okay, I’ll get Paige over here right away,” Dad said while looking at Doctor Skies. Doctor Skies nodded and left the room. Only a few short moments later, Paige was running into the room.

“Hey Bri, how are you?” I just broke down sobbing yet again. She quickly ushered my Dad out and sat by me. I quickly grabbed her hand and sobbed into it. She used her other hand to rub my back and try to help me calm down.

“I’m going to die. I’m going to freaking die. I don’t want to but I do. I don’t want to be in pain anymore but my life was just getting good. I finally found my family. I finally found happiness. Nothing in my life can ever go right. I got cancer. I can feel it killing me. I’m so weak and so sick. I can’t eat, I can’t do anything. I am just putting my family through so much. They struggle so much with me. I’m so done.” In the end, I just screamed out and continued sobbing into our hands. “I’m so scared. It is so hard for me. Please just make my thoughts stop. Make everything stop.” She let me calm down a bit before she started to talk.

“You might feel weak Bri, but you are so strong. You don’t even know. What you’ve been through and what you're going through is the hardest stuff anyone could ever go through. You’re so young too. You have experienced more in your short years than someone would in a lifetime. This is so scary, I can’t even imagine how scary it is for you. However, you are at the best hospital in the world surrounded by the best doctors in the world. Whatever happens, you are going to be in good hands and you will be comfortable.” I just looked up at her and saw that she had small tears in her eyes.

“D-D-Do you think I’m going to…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and continued. “Die, do you think I’m going to die?” I heard her take in a breath but she responded anyway.

“That’s a loaded question Bri. I don’t want you to die. I know that you are in the best hands possible. I don’t know that Bri though. I don’t want to say something and then another thing happens. However, I know you’re a fighter and I know you got this. You just have to believe in yourself.” I gave her a small smile and gave her her hand back. She gave me a smile back and clasped her hands together. “You must be tired. Doctor Skies has to put in some stuff before you sleep so I’ll grab him and then you can nap. She went to leave but I stopped her.

“Wait!” She turned around quickly and waited for me to talk. “Thank you. I know you’re paid to be here but either way, it is so nice to talk to you.”

“I’ll let you in a secret Bri. Pick and choose my patients. I picked you because I wanted to. I picked you because I liked you. I enjoy seeing you.” I gave her the biggest smile I could before she left. Soon Doctor Skies came back in and started to poke and prod me. He put wires and needles everywhere. He let me get comfy first. Dad was there holding my hand every step of the way.

“Okay Bri, we are all set for now. Get some sleep. You’ll need it. Tomorrow we will do some tests and make sure everything is good.” I gave him a smile as he left. Dad squeezed my hand and wiped my face.

“I love you, Baby.”

“I love you too Dad.” My eyes were closing by the second and I just let myself get some much-needed sleep. Before I fully fell asleep I mumbled to Dad. “Don’t leave me.” I fell asleep, finally at peace from the day.

Waking up to pain isn’t always ideal. However, it seems that pain is needed in my life. I have never had a break. Either physical or mental, I am always in pain. It is a prison. I am trapped within myself and I can’t get out. Nothing can save me but my own self however, I can't even save myself. You can’t escape yourself. Nothing can help.

You’re trapped.

I am trapped and I have no way out. I’m drowning in my own tears. Nobody can hear my screams for help. Nobody knows what is actually happening. I want to be able to scream my heart out and tell everyone but I don’t want anyone to know what happens in my head. It’s a dark scary place and it is horrible. I wouldn’t put anyone through that ever.

Waking up is supposed to be the easiest part of the day. It might not be enjoyable but it is easy. However, waking up seems like an uphill battle for me. I don’t want to get up. I don’t know what will happen. Living in fear takes a toll. At some point, you just give up. You don’t want to care anymore, but you do. I finally decided to jump the gun and peel my eyelids open. I was met with a dim room which was soothing for my aching head. I moved my head and scanned the room. Dad sat in one of the chairs next to my bed. He was passed out. On the other side of me, Ethan sat in the other chair sleeping as well. I sighed and laid my head back on my pillow. I wanted to close my eyes again but I knew I would not open them again. I sat in silence for a while, soaking in the minimum peace that I know I would lose soon. My throat ached for some water or food but I couldn’t bring myself to wake anyone up. I didn’t even know what time it was. I sat in my thoughts for a few minutes before Dad started to stir.

“Good morning, Amore.” He fully sat up and cracked his back over the back of the chair. Loud pops could be heard through the room making me giggle.

“Good morning, Dad.” I croaked out. Without asking or saying a word, he stood up and filled up a cup of water for me. He walked over to me and gave me the cup. Without wasting a second, I chugged the whole cup of water. My throat immediately felt better and I relaxed. He chuckled a bit and sat back down in his chair.

“Do you feel better Bella?” I just shrugged at him. I didn’t know how I felt. I am always in pain but that doesn’t make it okay.

“I have a bad headache.”

“Well, why didn’t you wake me up?” I shrugged again and he sighed. He stood up and pressed the call nurse button on my bed remote. Almost immediately, a nurse came walking into the room.

“Good morning Bri. Good morning Mr. Black.” Dad just nodded, putting on his cold front for the stranger.

“She has a very bad headache.” He looked down at her name tag and then back up at her. “Jessica.” She nodded, very uneasily, and came over to my IV. She took a look at what they were already giving me and then turned towards me.

“Looks like your pain meds ran out a few hours ago. I will go and get you some more.” She gave me a small smile and went to leave the room however, Dad stopped her before she could leave.