Chapter 72

I curl up on the couch with a book and start reading.

I let Elana know that I made it home. She blew up my phone, so I turned it off.

My eyes start to burn, and I sigh setting the book down. A knock sounds on my door. I consider ignoring it.

Whoever it is seems relentless. I groan and open the door. Carter.

"What are you doing here?" I ask crossing my arms.

He sighs and steps around me into the house.

"I don't know what's going on, but my mother is freaking out and she won't tell me what's going on. I came to check on you to give her some peace of mind."

"You coming here isn't going to give her peace of mind." I laugh sitting back on the couch.

"What makes you say that?"

"It doesn't matter. It's just the truth. Carter, I told you we live separate lives now."

"One where my mother tries to give you something to help you sleep and you refuse. What happened to you?"

"Life. Life happened to me, Carter. It keeps happening."

"When was the last time you've slept?" He asks studying my face. I turn away and sigh.

"I don't know. A while now." I shrug.

"Define a while."

"I don't know. A month. Maybe two."

"Two months?" He sputters.

"Give or take ten minutes here and there. The other night after I drank, I slept half an hour." I shrug.

"Jesus Cassandra. That isn't healthy."

"No, it isn't. Neither is this." I say lifting up my sleeve and showing him my wrists. Then my thighs. My torso.

"What the hell?" He asks.

"Before you woke up in the hospital I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was hallucinating and hearing voices. It got worse. After you left. I started having these episodes in my sleep. I would go to bed and wake up with blood all over me from the knife in my hand. I was carving myself in my sleep because I hallucinated Evan. I spent weeks, months in and out of the hospital. Sleep studies, tests, medications. Some uppers and some downers. The one I'm on now helps with everything except I don't sleep. It's a fair trade." I say looking away from him.

"Christ." He breathes.

"The best thing you could have done was leave." I say.

"No, I should have been here. I should have called you back. That night you called me, I should have answered you."

"That was the night I realized I would give anything to get my life back. I traded sleep." I shrug.

"How don't you hate me for this?"

"It wasn't your fault. It had nothing to do with you. It was me. My brain. My body. It needed rewired and I'm working on it, every day. It's going to take the rest of my life but I will do it. I have to."

"Is that why you haven't dated anyone?" He asks.

"I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to tell someone how real the damage is. Not until I know they'll stay."

"Unlike me." He adds. I cut my eyes to him.

"I'm glad you're happy. It's all I wanted for you. You left me in good hands. Remember?"

"I remember." He sighs.

"You can tell your mom I'm fine. Lock the door on your way out."

"You're wrong." He says from the hallway.

"About?" I ask flatly.

"You are so much stronger than your fears. I just don't understand why you don't see it."

I don't respond and eventually he leaves. I lay back on the couch and sigh.

Tomorrow, he will be gone and things will go back to normal. Tomorrow, I will talk to Cara about speed dating or something. Maybe I can put myself out there.

The next few days pass by in a blur. I stay busy. Saturday night I decide to go out on a date with this guy I met through Cara. We'd been out before, but my heart wasn't in it.

He was nice and attractive, but it was too soon.

I meet Killian, Cara and Greg at the bar.

We order drinks and Greg offers me some of his food. I take some to be polite and we catch up. It seems nice to talk to someone that doesn't know every detail of my life.

Cara tells me how much she misses baby Leo tonight and I keep reminding her it's good to have some space. For the baby and the parents.

She nods and tries to throw herself into the night.

After a few too many drinks we walk outside.

"Hey." Killian grins. I follow his drunken smile to Carter.

"Hey." He says glancing at the hand on my hip.

"I thought you left."

"I extended my stay a few days for my mom." He says glancing at Killian before he looks back at me.

"We should go." I muse nodding to our taxi. Carter nods and moves out of the way. I force myself not to look back.

They drop me at home first and I stumble up the stairs. unlocking the door, I go to my room to change.

I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth before heading for a glass of water. I stop in the kitchen and almost scream.

"What are you doing in my house?" I ask. I try to remember if I locked the door.

"You left the door wide open." Carter says.

"That tends to happen when I drink too much." I admit. He furrows his brows, confused by my good mood probably. Or my lack of awareness.

"I could have been a burglar."

"Good thing you weren't." I state filling my glass.

"I thought you weren't seeing anyone." He says making me choke on my drink.

"It was a first date. Technically second but it was so far between it doesn't count. I think." I say furrowing my brow.

"I think you're trashed."

"I think you're right." I laugh.

"I wanted to make sure you made it home alright."

"Well, I did."

"Clearly." He mutters.

"You don't have to keep checking up on me. I'm not your problem anymore." It seems my mouth works without asking my brain permission.

His jaw ticks.

"I thought we established I was never very good at staying away from you."

"Try harder, you managed fine for six months." I want to shove the words back in but it's too late now.

"Finally, something I remember. Before you started holding everything back and turning it into positivity."

"I just mean, you have a girlfriend, so you need to try harder." I state.

"She broke up with me last night." He states catching me off guard.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Me too." He sighs.

"Why?"

"I told her I would be commuting from her until mom was better and she flipped out. She acted childish and cruel. When I called her out on it she didn't like it very much." He shrugs.

"People fight. She'll come around."

He nods once but doesn't say anything. He seems lost in thought, so I go to my room and close the door. Climbing into bed and willing sleep to come.